Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Online
Authors: Lundy Bancroft
“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft’s book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families.”
—
Publishers Weekly
(starred review)
“Most books about abuse in relationships focus on women—how they’re hurt, why they stay. As important as these questions are, they can also distract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroft boldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue.”
—Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning video
Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity
“Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a fifteen-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change.…This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended.”
—
Library Journal
(starred review)
“At last—the straight scoop on men who abuse women. This is a book not just for abused women and domestic violence professionals, but for everyone who wonders why there’s so much violence in America. Read it.”
—Anne Jones, author of
When Love Goes Wrong
and
Next Time She’ll Be Dead
“Bancroft helps women who feel trapped in unhealthy relationships make sense out of what is happening.”
—Sarah Buel, J.D., codirector, Domestic Violence Clinic, and lecturer, University of Texas Law School
“A compelling read about a tough topic. What you read here will come back to you long after you put the book down.”
—Angela Browne, author of
When Battered Women Kill
“An informative and necessary read.”
—Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., author of
Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages
I
NSIDE THE
M
INDS OF
A
NGRY AND
C
ONTROLLING MEN
Lundy Bancroft
B
ERKLEY
B
OOKS
New York
THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
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Copyright © Lundy Bancroft by Lundy Bancroft
Cover design © Lundy Bancroft by Tom McKeveny
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form
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BERKLEY
is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
The “B” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
The Library of Congress has catalogued the G. P. Putnam’s Sons hardcover edition as follows:
Bancroft, Lundy.
Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men / Lundy Bancroft.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN: 978-1-1012-2073-3
1. Abusive men—United States—Psychology. 2. Wife abuse—United States. 3. Family
violence—United States. 4. Victims of family violence—United States. I. Title.
HV6626.2.B255 2002 2001048850
362.82'92'0973—dc21
For details, write: Special Markets, The Berkley Publishing Group, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
To the thousands of courageous women,
many of them survivors of abuse themselves,
who have created and sustained the movement
against the abuse of women, and to the many
men who have joined this struggle as allies.
The Nature of Abusive Thinking
The Abusive Man in Relationships
The Abusive Man in the World
Changing the Abusive Man
I
HAVE HAD MANY
, many teachers along my path to understanding the mentality and behavior of abusive men. Before I can name names, however, I need to thank above all the hundreds of female partners and ex-partners of my clients who have shared their stories with me and who have thereby shed light on the denial and distortions running through my clients’ accounts of events. The survivors of abuse have been my greatest educators; if we could hear their voices much more, and the voices of the abusers and their allies much less, the world would move rapidly to eliminate the chronic mistreatment that so many women currently face in their intimate relationships.
My early colleagues at Emerge have a unique responsibility for setting me on the course that has brought me here: David Adams, Susan Cayouette, Ted German, Magueye Seck, Chuck Turner, Charlene Allen, and Jim Ptacek. In addition to being such a pleasure to work with, this group provided me with indispensable intellectual support and stimulation; I hope I was able to return some reasonable part of what they offered me.
Equally important to the growth of my understanding of abusive men, and of their impact on their partners and children, was Carole Sousa, who simultaneously educated us at Emerge and kept us honest. Her criticisms of our blind spots were often annoying, mostly because of how right they were. No single person has contributed more to the understandings that I am now sharing. I need further to thank Carole for generously reviewing the manuscript for this book and marking her comments (important ones, as usual) with dozens of sticky tabs. Her suggestions have strengthened this book in critical ways.
Other important influences on my insight into controlling and angry men and the destructive trail they leave behind them include Lonna Davis, Pam Whitney, Isa Woldeguiorguis, Susan Schechter, Sarah Buel, Jim Hardeman, Janet Fender, and Brenda Lopez. I would also like to express my appreciation to Jeff Edleson, Claire Renzetti, Jackson Katz, Peter Jaffe, Barbara Hart, Bonnie Zimmer, Elaine Alpert, Joan Zorza, Jennifer Juhler, Stephanie Eisenstat, Range Hutson, Scott Harshbarger, and Maureen Sheeran for their contributions to my learning about abuse and oppression and for their professional support and encouragement. Kate O’Kane contributed by providing me with a beautiful and relaxing place to write during the day.
I also need to acknowledge how much I have learned from my clients themselves over the years, but it would not be appropriate for me to thank them, since without their abuse of women the writing of this book would be unnecessary.
I am grateful to Gillian Andrews, Carlene Pavlos, Jay Silverman, Steve Holmes, Catherine Benedict, Gail Dines, Carrie Cuthbert, and Kim Slote for their combination of personal support and intellectual/professional stimulation and assistance over the years. Gillian and Gail in particular have both kept after me for years to write this book, and it is largely due to their continued prodding that it is finally here; Gillian also provided invaluable comments and suggestions on the manuscript. My family, too, has been loving and supportive (and tolerant) during the time-consuming and sometimes stressful writing process; I love you and thank you more than I can say for carrying me along.
I owe tremendous gratitude to my agent, Wendy Sherman, who not only found a home for this book but also played a major role in forming the original concept and guiding its direction. A writer could not be in better hands. My appreciation also goes to Deb Futter at Doubleday, who led me to Wendy. My editor at Putnam, Jeremy Katz, has had unshakable faith in this project from the beginning and has helped me through several moments of anxiety or hesitation. It fell to Jeremy to let my wagonloads of text dump down upon him so that he could stir it all around and figure out how to shape it into a presentable whole. I also wish to express appreciation to other people at Putnam who supported and worked on this book, including AnnMarie Harris, Denise Silvestro, Marilyn Ducksworth, and Brenda Goldberg.
Finally, I want to express my deep gratitude to three people who don’t know me but whose work has inspired and sustained me for years: Bruce Cockburn, Mercedes Sosa, and Linda Hogan. Perhaps our paths will yet cross.
Lundy Bancroft
Winter 2002