Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love (10 page)
Read Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love Online
Authors: Barbara Pease
Kevin understood how this love criterion operated in a woman’s mind, so he bought his wife several impressive pieces of jewelry. Personally, Kevin wore only a plain gold wedding ring and occasionally a watch and saw no point in buying expensive jewelry for himself. He didn’t feel the need to use jewelry to make a statement
.Kevin’s brother, Glen, applied this same male perspective to his wife, Leanne, and rarely gave her any jewelry, and if he did, they were usually small, crappy pieces he purchased in Thailand or at a garage sale. He was unaware that his attitude diminished her belief in his commitment to her because she knew he could afford to buy something better for her. Glen also believed that the regular purchase of flowers for a woman was a waste of money because flowers die in a few days. To his logical male mind, a potted plant made much more sense because it was more permanent. So he bought her a potted
plant—a rose. “The flower of love,” he announced. In fact, he told Leanne she could take cuttings from it and sell them for money. Hey, she could even go into the flower business! To Leanne’s female mind, however, when a bunch of flowers dies, it presents a new opportunity for Glen to buy another bunch and to again demonstrate his commitment to her. Yesterday, Glen’s proctologist removed the rose from Glen’s rear end, and he should be back on his feet in a few days
.
To the logical male mind, a potted plant is a better gift than a bunch of roses, and so this man sleeps alone
.
Because an act of love signals commitment of resources, it is placed high on women’s lists everywhere. Almost all studies of the importance of love as a prerequisite to a long-term relationship show that worldwide 80 to 90% of women say they would need love for marriage or a permanent relationship. One study by Sue Sprecher, coauthor of
The Handbook of Sexuality in Close Relationships
, and her colleagues showed that 89% of American women said they would not marry someone they didn’t love—11% would—whereas 41% of Russian women said they
would
marry someone they didn’t love. The Russian result is largely because there is a shortage of available men in Russia, and because of the wider choice of women, these men are therefore less likely to want to make a commitment. In Kiev, in the Ukraine, we found that the average life expectancy for men in 2009 is fifty-six years, and for every twenty-year-old male, there are four available females. Tickets to Kiev can be purchased from your local travel agent, gentlemen.
So our advice for men: You can skimp on many things in life but
never
skimp on any important item of jewelry you give to a woman. If you gave a woman a small ring at the start of your
relationship because money was tight, upgrade it as soon as possible to a more impressive one. Whether you like it or not, it can affect your love life and other women will use it to judge your commitment. We found that the only women who will argue with what is written here are women whose men have given them cheap or microscopic jewelry and have refused to upgrade it.
Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up. I love the feel of cold, wet porcelain.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Wow, get a whiff of that one! Pull my finger again!
Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.
This diamond is much too big! And by the way, I’ve got enough shoes!
Take that block of chocolate away!
I don’t care if it’s on sale: $500 is too much to pay for a designer dress!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I’m going out for a while. Why don’t you phone your ex?
The following seven points are also on women’s list of criteria for a man’s attractiveness and are cues to a man’s ability to gather resources. They are not in any particular order here, but one thing is for sure: Women are attracted to men who can and will do these things.
A man having a sense of humor sits at or near the top of almost every survey on what is attractive to women and is regularly mentioned in the personal ads. When a woman laughs, her brain instructs her body to release endorphins—a chemical with a structure similar to morphine—which give her that warm, tingling feeling. Endorphins are one of the body’s natural painkillers; they build the immune system and protect against disease. Laughter causes a reduction in stress hormones, such as cortisol, and it also lowers blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease. Increased cortisol levels suppress the immune system, so decreasing this hormone is beneficial to overall health.
A woman subconsciously understands that a man who can see the lighter side of life will be good for her health, overall well-being, and long-term survival, so she will avoid men who are constantly negative and miserable or men who look like they’ve been weaned on a pickle. Men understand the power of humor, too—they compete with each other to tell the best joke. They know that the guy who gets the biggest laughs gains the most status at that time and that humor appeals to women.
High on every woman’s list is a man who is willing to listen to her talk about her problems and feelings without interrupting her or giving her solutions. If you are a man, reveal personal details about yourself as she reveals things about herself. This type of “mirroring” creates rapport and leads to intimacy more quickly. It doesn’t mean a man has to behave like a woman, just to listen with compassion and without offering solutions.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
.
For around a million years men have been hunting for food and giving it to women. Even in the twenty-first century, any man who can cook a meal for a woman will stir primeval feelings in her. This is why taking a woman to dinner is such a seductive event for her, even if she is not hungry. It’s the act of a man who is willing to provide food resources for her that is the motivational trigger. If you are a man, enroll in cooking classes today.
The sole purpose of dancing is to draw attention to oneself, with sex as its base motivation. When couples dance, they often hold each other and mirror each other’s body movements, just as other animal species do before they mate. Only one in eight men is equipped with a “rhythm switch” in the brain, which allows you to sense pulses and click your fingers in time to music, whereas most women have this naturally. The purpose of most female dancing is to attract the attention of potential mates, nothing more, and any man who is willing to participate will be a big hit and never short of a date. If you are a man, go to dancing lessons immediately after your cooking class has ended.
“Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.”
George Bernard Shaw
Women feel insecure about three things: their appearance, finances, and whether they are loved. A woman wants to be told she looks good, smells good, tastes good, and feels good. To not notice that she has a new hairstyle or is wearing new shoes says to her that she’s not worth noticing. Telling her how wonderful she looks and complimenting her choices of styles or designs makes a woman feel sexy, and she might consider having sex. A man coming home late or not explaining his whereabouts creates suspicion and breeds insecurity in most women, so a man calling to say where he is or when he’ll be back or that he misses her allays a woman’s fears.
“Does this dress make my butt look big?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “It’s all the chocolate cake you eat that makes your butt look big.”
The reason a woman wants to be in a relationship is to be part of a unit in which she can feel secure, reassured, and comfortable. The ability to create life is the trump card women have, so any man who signals that he likes children by playing games with children, pulling faces, being humorous, or telling bedtime stories will score well in the attractiveness ratings.
Women everywhere rate a man’s good health as very high to critical on their list of desirable male qualities. This is for two reasons: First, if he is in poor health, he may die early or become incapable, and this cuts off her resources; second, he may transmit the disease to her or her children through
physical contact or through genes. A man in good health carries the promise of potentially healthy offspring and the long-term provision of resources. Women generally rate signs of bad health as anything from poor physical condition and open wounds to bad breath and inadequate grooming habits. Good health can be observed by good physical condition, clear skin, and high energy levels, which are indicated by fast walking and movement and a lively attitude (also characteristics of higher-status individuals). Laid-back, slow-moving males are perceived as likely to live longer but are also considered to lack motivation and ambition and are therefore poor prospects for long-term resource value. So if you are a man, go straight to the gym to work out before you cook dinner for a woman and take her dancing.
Studies everywhere reveal that men who lack ambition are seen by women as very undesirable, and women will end a relationship with a man who becomes lazy, loses his job, or lacks ambition. This is why a man who works hard and has career goals is more desirable to most women. Conversely, the same attributes in a woman are generally irrelevant to the majority of men because, as we will discuss in the
next chapter
, men see the opposite sex primarily as a healthy container for their genes.
To some women, this can make men sound cold and callous, but understanding its significance gives women an enormous edge when it comes to dealing with them in the game of love.
“Shall we try swapping positions tonight?” he smirked.
“Great idea!” she replied. “You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!”
All wars are started by men, and warfare has only one goal—capturing the other guy’s resources. Resources come in two clear forms: tangibles, like land, oil, and cities, and reproductive resources, meaning women. Throughout history, warring men would raid the next guy’s territory, steal his property, kill him and his sons, and rape or kidnap the women. Women were rarely killed, because they presented the perfect opportunity for the conquerors to pass on their genes.
Modern men’s urge to gather and control resources evolved because of women’s preference for men who controlled them. Men are regularly criticized by women for putting more time and interest into their work than they put into their families. Women complain that men are more concerned with knocking other men out of the game and chasing bottom-line results than spending time at home with their families, but if women didn’t have inbuilt preferences for men who can do these things, modern men would never have the desire to gather resources. Men do it because they know women want it.
The new international symbol for marriage
Ancestral women would have closely examined the attributes of a potential long-term partner because a poor choice could lead to starvation, abuse, or abandonment and consequently these are the same
base criteria
by which twenty-first century women
make their choices. Today’s women still don’t want to be abused, abandoned, or treated badly. This does not necessarily mean that all women are motivated by the money a man has, but they are certainly
first motivated
to choose men who display qualities that will lead to resources in the long term, such as intelligence, status, and ambition. It doesn’t mean a woman will always end up with a man who possesses these qualities; it means she definitely prefers him. If a man has no resources or lacks ambition, then overall women aren’t interested in him unless they believe he has the capacity to gather resources. So if he’s a broke twenty-two-year-old student who is studying to be a brain surgeon, lawyer, or doctor, she’ll see him as a good catch.