Why We Love (36 page)

35
. DeLamater 1995; Cherlin 1995.

36
. Morell 1998.

37
. Daly, Wilson, and Weghorst 1982; Wilson and Daly 1992.

38
. Black 1996; Mock and Fujioka 1990.

39
. Morell 1998.

7. Lost Love: Rejection, Despair, and Rage

1
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 293.

2
. Hamill 1996, p. 133.

3
. Baumeister, Wotman, and Stillwell 1993.

4
. Baumeister and Dhavale 2001.

5
. Evans 2001, p. 52.

6
. Meloy 1998.

7
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 297.

8
. Ibid., p. 275.

9
. Alarcon 1992, p. 110.

10
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 260.

11
. Millay 1988, p. 86.

12
. Jankowiak 1995, p. 179.

13
. Harris 1995, p. 113.

14
. Harrison 1986.

15
. Jankowiak 1995.

16
. Bowlby 1973; Panksepp 1998; Lewis, Amini, and Lannon 2000.

17
. Whittier 1988, p. 82.

18
. Schultz 2000.

19
. Panksepp 1998.

20
. Lewis, Amini, and Lannon 2000; Panksepp 1998.

21
. Panksepp 1998.

22
. Baumeister and Dhavale 2001.

23
. Bowlby 1973; Panksepp 1998.

24
. Lewis, Amini, and Lannon 2000.

25
. Panic involves a region in the midbrain, the periaqueductal gray (PAG), a region that lies close to regions that generate physical pain. The periaqueductal gray then sends signals to many other parts of the panic system. No one knows exactly which brain chemicals produce feelings of separation anxiety and panic (Panksepp 1998). Glutamate, the most excitatory neurotransmitter, is probably one; it contributes to everything we do. As this neurotransmitter increases, animals begin to make distress calls that are specifically associated with abandonment. Scientists know much more about what quells separation anxiety and panic than the condition itself. Opioids, such as morphine, rapidly soothe the distress calls of abandoned animals. Oxytocin, the hormone associated with social attachment and bonding, also decreases separation-induced distress. This is probably why animals tend to stop crying when they are touched; massage activates oxytocin and opioid receptors.

26
. Smith and Hoklund 1988; Campbell, Sedikides, and Bossom 1994.

27
. Kapit, Macey, and Meisami 2000; Nemeroff 1998.

28
. Panksepp 1998.

29
. Scientists still don’t know exactly which brain chemicals are involved in rage, but several probably contribute (Panksepp 1998). Substance P, a neuromodulator, can produce anger. Glutamate and acetylcholine promote fury. High levels of norepinephrine and low levels of serotonin can generate anger. And low levels of serotonin contribute to the impulsivity that generally accompanies fury (Panksepp 1998; Tiihonen et al. 1997).

30
. Panksepp 1998.

31
. Ibid.

32
. Ibid., p. 196.

33
. Dozier 2002.

34
. Darwin 1871/n.d., p. 703.

35
. Panksepp 1998.

36
. Bowlby 1973; Shaver, Hazan, and Bradshaw 1988.

37
. Dozier 2002.

38
. Ellis and Malamuth 2000.

39
. Bowlby 1960, 1973; Panksepp 1998.

40
. Mearns 1991.

41
. Rosenthal 2002; Nemeroff 1998.

42
. Baumeister, Wotman, and Stillwell 1993; Buss 1994.

43
. Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

44
. Taffel 1990.

45
. Tavris 1992.

46
. Hatfield and Rapson 1993.

47
. Ibid.

48
. Whittier 1988.

49
. Ustun and Sartorius 1995.

50
. Mearns 1991.

51
. Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

52
. Harlow, Harlow, and Suomi 1971.

53
. Panksepp 1998.

54
. Schultz 2000.

55
. Panksepp 1998.

56
. Kapit, Macey, and Meisami 2000; Panksepp 1998; Nemeroff 1998.

57
. Beck 1996; Niculescu and Akiskal 2001; Price et al. 1994; Nesse 1990, 1991; Panksepp 1998; McGuire and Troisi 1998.

58
. Troisi and McGuire 2002; McGuire and Troisi 1998.

59
. Hagen, Watson, and Thomson, in preparation.

60
. Watson and Andrews 2002.

61
. Nesse 1991; Hagen, Watson, and Thomson, in preparation; Rosenthal 2002.

62
. Bowlby 1969; Ainsworth et al. 1978; Hazan and Shaver 1987; Chisholm 1995.

63
. Leary 2001.

64
. Baumeister and Dhavale 2001.

65
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 266.

66
. Buss 1994; Buunk and Hupka 1987.

67
. Buunk and Hupka 1987.

68
. Voracek 2001.

69
. Buss 2000.

70
. Ibid.

71
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 282.

72
. Sheets et al. 1997; Mathes 1986.

73
. Meloy and Gothard 1995.

74
. Fremouw et al. 1997.

75
. Gugliotta 1997; Meloy 1998.

76
. Gugliotta 1997; Meloy 1998; Jason et al. 1984; Hall 1998.

77
. Meloy, in press.

78
. Dozier 2002.

79
. Ibid.

80
. Buss 1994; United Nations Development Programme 1995a; Wilson and Daly 1992.

81
. E. Goode 2000.

82
. Ibid.

83
. Wilson and Daly 1992; United Nations Development Programme 1995a.

84
. Shakespeare 1936,
Othello,
act III, scene iii, lines 304–7.

85
. Wilson and Daly 1992.

86
. Daly and Wilson 1988.

87
. Wilson and Daly 1992.

88
. Dozier 2002.

89
. Nadler and Dotan 1992; Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, and Young 1978.

90
. Gugliotta 1997.

91
. E. Goode 2000.

92
. Euripides 1963, p. 17.

93
. Ibid.

94
. Tiihonen et al. 1997; Panksepp 1998.

95
. Ibid.

96
. Mace and Mace 1980.

97
. Hagen, Watson, and Thomson, in preparation.

8. Taking Control of Passion: Making Romance Last

1
. Holmes 1997.

2
. Whittier 1988, p. 41.

3
. Hamill 1996, p. 13.

4
. Yutang 1954, p. 72.

5
. Wolkstein 1991, p. 153.

6
. Peele 1975, 1988; Carnes 1983; Halpern 1982; Tennov 1979; Hunter et al. 1981; Liebowitz 1983; Mellody et al. 1992; Griffin-Shelley 1991; Schaef 1989; Findling 1999. Because scientists report that many aspects of personality have a genetic basis, I suspect there is a genetic fingerprint to the feelings of romantic love; in short, different people feel this passion to different degrees, with different intensities and durations. In support of this speculation, there are several forms of love disorders. A few people are unable to fall in love (Tennov 1979). They marry and build happy long-term partnerships, but they report they have never felt the passion of romantic love. Others are “love junkies.” They are so addicted to this excitement that they are unable to maintain a long-term relationship; as the passion fades, they seek their next romantic “high” (Liebowitz 1983). In fact, psychiatrist Donald Klein named a form of recurrent depression that some of these love junkies suffer: hysteroid dysphoria. As these disastrous love affairs proceed, the lover suffers severe mood swings (Liebowitz 1983). Others suffer what psychologists call Clerambault-Kandinsky syndrome (CKS) or erotomania. In this condition, the obsessed lover does not even know the beloved (often someone who is famous), yet the lover holds the delusion that this person is in love with them (Zona et al. 1993; Rosenthal 2002).

7
. Leshner 1997; Rosenthal 2002.

8
. Bartels and Zeki 2000.

9
. Regis 1995.

10
. Alarcon 1992, p. 85.

11
. Thayer 1996; Rosenthal 2002.

12
. Rosenthal 2002.

13
. Kolata 2002.

14
. Rosenthal 2002. New data indicate that when mice are kept away from their daily exercise routine of running, brain regions associated with craving for food, sex, or narcotic drugs become active.

15
. Rosenthal 2002.

16
. Carter 1998.

17
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 279.

18
. Baumeister, Wotman, and Stillwell 1993.

19
. Baumeister and Dhavale 2001.

20
. Stallworthy 1973, p. 253.

21
. E. Goode, Petersen, and Pollack 2002.

22
. E. Goode, Peterson, and Pollack 2002; Stahl 2000.

23
. Frohlich and Meston 2000; Rosenthal 2002.

24
. Rosenthal 2002.

25
. Ashton and Rosen 1998; Labbate et al. 1997; Walker et al. 1993; Clayton et al. 2000; Gitlan et al. 2000; Ascher et al. 1995; Rosenthal 2002.

26
. Rosenthal 2002.

27
. Brody et al. 2001; Goleman 1996.

28
. Brody et al. 2001; Goleman 1996; Rosenthal 2002.

29
. Brody et al. 2001.

30
. Ibid.

31
. For a superb book on how to heal depression, pick up
The Emotional Revolution,
by psychiatrist Norman Rosenthal (Rosenthal 2002).

32
. Flexnor 1965, p. 294.

33
. Hamill 1996, p. 70.

34
. Shakespeare 1936,
All’s Well that Ends Well,
act V, scene iii, line 41.

35
. Dutton and Aron 1974.

36
. Hatfield 1988, p. 204.

37
. Dutton and Aron 1974; Berscheid and Walster 1974; Aron and Aron 1986; Reissman et al. 1993; Aron and Aron 1996; Aron et al. 2000.

38
. Norman and Aron 1995; Aron and Aron 1996; Aron et al. 2000.

39
. Wolkstein 1991, p. 44.

40
. Panksepp 1998.

41
. Gallup 2003, personal communication.

42
. Gallup et al. 2002.

43
. Carter 1998.

44
. H. Fisher and J. A. Thomson, in preparation.

45
. Ibid.

46
. M. Fisher, in preparation.

47
. Ashton and Rosen 1998; Labbate et al. 1997; Walker et al. 1993; Gitlan et al. 2000.

48
. Sternberg 1986; Cancian 1987; Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

49
. Helgeson, Shaver, and Dyer 1987.

50
. Brod 1987; Fowlkes 1994; Tavris 1992.

51
. Tannen 1990.

52
. Fisher 1999.

53
. Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

54
. Brod 1987; Fowlkes 1994; Tavris 1992.

55
. Tannen 1994.

56
. H. Fisher 1999.

57
. Ibid.

58
. Rubin et al. 1980; Cancian 1987; Tavris 1992.

59
. Tornstam 1992.

60
. Fisher 1999.

61
. Buss 1988.

62
. Cancian 1987; Tavris 1992.

63
. Rubin et al. 1980; Tavris 1992.

64
.·Gottman 1994.

65
. Schultz 2000.

66
. Hopkins 1994, p. 55.

67
. Epstein 2002.

68
. Tucker and Aron 1993; Traupmann and Hatfield 1981; Mathes and Wise 1983.

69
. Liebowitz 1983.

70
. Tucker and Aron 1993; Mathes and Wise 1983; Schnarch 1997.

71
. Tucker and Aron 1993.

72
. Knox 1970.

73
. Ibid.

74
. Schultz et al. 2000.

75
. Norman and Aron 1995; Aron and Aron 1996.

76
. Schultz et al. 2000.

77
. LeDoux 1996.

78
. Damasio 1994; LeDoux 1996.

79
. Damasio 1994.

80
. LeDoux 1996.

81
. Ibid.

82
. Ibid.

9. “The Madness of the Gods”: The Triumph of Love

1
. Ahearn 2001.

2
. Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

3
. Buss 1994.

4
. Rosenblatt and Anderson 1981; Broude and Green 1983; Prakasa and Rao 1979.

5
. Rosenblatt and Anderson 1981; Prakasa and Rao 1979.

6
. Mace and Mace 1980.

7
. Friedl 1975.

8
. H. Fisher 1992; H. Fisher 1999.

9
. W .J. Goode 1959; Frayser 1985.

10
. H. Fisher 1999, 1992; Stone 1988.

11
. Bruce et al. 1995; W. J. Goode 1982.

12
. Stone 1988; Stone 1990; W. J. Goode 1982.

13
. H. Fisher 1999.

14
. United Nations 1995b; United Nations 1995c.

15
. Allgeier and Wiederman 1991; Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

16
. Hatfield and Rapson 1996.

17
. Cancian 1987.

18
. Jehl 1997, p. A4.

19
. Wattenberg 1997.

20
. Rowe 1997.

21
. Hatfield and Rapson 1987.

22
. Purdy 1995.

23
. Wang and Nguyen 1995; Hatfield and Rapson 1987; Butler et al. 1995.

24
. Bulcroft and O’Conner-Roden 1986.

25
. Cristiani 2003.

26
. H. Fisher 1992.

27
. Stone 1990; Furstenburg 1996; Posner 1992.

28
. Ibid.

29
. Holmes 1996; H. Fisher 1999.

30
. Espenshade 1984.