Wild Iris Ridge (Hope's Crossing) (21 page)

He clenched his jaw. “I’m doing the best I can, Lucy. I lost my wife twenty-six months ago. My life has been a mess since then. I’m sorry if I’m not quite ready to jump into something right away with her best friend.”

“No matter what your feelings are?”

His feelings.

The word seemed vague, meaningless—especially when he realized this
feeling
seeping through him was love.

He didn’t know how it had happened but he loved Lucy Drake.

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t recognized it before. Since the moment she moved back to Hope’s Crossing and he found her at Iris House, coughing and wheezing and covered in soot, he hadn’t been able to get her out of his mind. These past weeks, he had come to admire so many things about her. Her sweetness with his children. The concern she showed her sister. Her passion and strength and those rare moments of vulnerability.

He loved her.

And it scared him senseless.

He thought of those hellish months after Jessie died. How could he do this again? Give another person that kind of power over him, even when he loved her?

“I care about you, Lucy. More than I ever expected. I just...I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet. Can you give me a little time?”

She swallowed and looked down at the trail at their feet. When she looked up again, her eyes shimmered with tears.

“No. I’m sorry. I can’t.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I
T
WOULD
BE
so easy to say yes.

He had feelings for her. Even if not for his endearingly awkward confession, she knew he cared about her. So why couldn’t she just tell him that she would wait as long as he needed?

She pictured herself a year from now, two years from now, still hanging on, marking time until he decided he was finally ready to let himself love her.

She had spent most of her childhood fighting for her father’s attention, waiting for him to love her.

Brendan had broken her heart once when she was a stupid twenty-one-year-old and he had chosen Jessie over her. In the time since, she had worked too hard to become someone she could respect to put herself through that again.

She folded her hands together, wishing she could do something about their trembling. “I could give you time to figure things out. But I won’t. What would be the point? This will never work. Surely you can see that. I think that’s why we’ve both tried so hard these last few weeks to stay away from each other, because our heads understand even if our hearts don’t.”

“Understand what?”

“I can’t be the woman you need.”

He needed someone sweet, warm, loving. Someone like Jess, not a tangled mess of a woman, who was prone to panic attacks and insecurity.

“Don’t you think I should be the one to make that decision?”

“Yes. You’re not ready to make it yet. I get that. But I can’t put my life on hold until you do.”

“So that’s it?”

She gave him a long look. “What else is there to say? I’m sure you won’t mind if I let you finish things up here.”

“I can give you a ride,” he said, his voice terse again.

She shook her head. ‘No thanks. I could use the walk right now.”

In reality, as soon as she was out of sight of him on the trail, she started to jog and then full-out run, needing as much distance between them as she could muster. By the time she made it to the trailhead, her breathing was ragged, her chest tight.

She blamed it on exertion but when she reached her BMW and went to unlock the door, the keys slid from her suddenly tingling fingers to fall into the rocky dirt. The panic attack roared out of nowhere like an out-of-control freight train slamming into her, and she followed the keys to the ground.

She huddled by the side of her car with her chest fluttering, her stomach roiling, praying he took his time coming down the trail after her. She couldn’t bear for him to see her like this.

As always, she was afraid she was going to die. This time, though, she was also afraid of how she could possibly survive the pain that would come from being without Carter and Faith and Brendon in her life.

When the worst of it receded, she threw up in the bushes, rinsed her mouth out with the water bottle she still somehow clutched in her hand and then climbed with aching muscles into her car.

* * *

T
HOUGH
EVERY
INSTINCT
urged her to go back to the safety net of Iris House after the panic attack to indulge in a big bout of tears—and maybe a hot bath and some ice cream—she refused to wallow.

That would accomplish nothing, other than leaving her feeling worse than she already did. Instead, she forced herself to drive back to the community center. This day was about Giving Hope and she would darn well do her part, even if it ripped her heart out.

The parking lot was a bustle of activity with people coming and going, picking up supplies or new assignments, dropping off trash to the big recycling bins in back.

She parked her car and headed toward the door when it opened and Claire McKnight came outside with a box that looked twice as big as the bead store owner.

“Here.” Lucy stepped forward. “Let me help you with that.”

Claire peered around the box and her face lit up when she spotted her. “Oh! Hi, Lucy! How did things go on the trail cleanup with Brendan? Are you guys done already?”

So very done, in every possible way. “Yes. Things went well. It’s ready for the season now and looks fantastic. I came to see if there’s anything else I can help you do.”

“Oh, you are a lifesaver!” Claire exclaimed.

“Am I?” Right now she didn’t think she could save much of anything. She felt weak and stupid and heartbroken.

“Several boxes of decorations for the gala were accidently overlooked and left here. Genevieve called in a panic, looking for them. Any chance you could be a dear and drive them up to the resort ballroom? I’ve been trying to get them to her for half an hour but my cell phone won’t stop ringing. I’ve been waylaid four times just trying to make it to my car with the first box.”

She didn’t want to be anywhere
near
the gala that smacked too much of hearts and flowers and romance, but she supposed she could manage a small errand for Claire. “Of course. I’m happy to help.”

“Thank you!”

Claire grabbed a couple of teenage boys to help her load everything in Lucy’s car and she took off again, this time driving through town toward the winding Silver Strike Canyon Road that led to the resort.

On the way, she passed many small groups working on various projects around town. A couple of teenagers were painting benches along Main Street, more were planting flowers out front of the senior center. Several family units were collecting trash along the roadways.

This evidence of people helping others seemed to soothe her battered heart. This was a good town, a place filled with kind people trying to make the world a little better wherever they could.

When she skulked into town in the dead of night nearly two months earlier, desperate for a place to lick her wounded ego, she never would have guessed she would come to love Hope’s Crossing and the people who lived here.

She hadn’t really hated Hope’s Crossing when she lived here with Annabelle, but she hadn’t felt any real burning affection for the town, either. For her, Annabelle and Iris House had always been the reason she returned.

Something had changed these past weeks. She felt part of a community, a piece of something bigger than herself. In the process, she had made lasting friendships with Genevieve and Charlotte and some of the other women in town and had created cherished memories.

She would miss it.

She put away her melancholy and the lingering effects of her panic attack as she arrived at the huge resort lodge, where she was directed to a back entrance that led straight to the resort ballroom.

Genevieve rushed out to greet her the moment she pulled up.

“I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you! Claire told me you were on the way with the rest of the decorations. We can finally get this done.”

A group of volunteers—most of whom she had met at the bridal shower for Claire and Genevieve—swarmed her car and carried the boxes inside. Lucy followed with the last of the supplies and stood inside the ballroom, which had been transformed into a magically elegant place of cleverly angled mirrors, fairy lights, candles.

“Oh. It looks wonderful!”

“Watch. It will be even better in about fifteen minutes when we set up the table decorations you brought us,” Gen said as she rushed past with an armload of floral arrangements.

“What can I do?”

“You can help Charlotte and Evie hang the lanterns. They’ll show you what to do.”

This was much more her speed than clearing the trail in Wild Iris Ridge and the company much easier on her heart.

For the next hour, she was able to bury her emotions while helping do her part for the Giving Hope celebration. When every task on her extensive list had been completed, Genevieve gathered everyone into the middle of the room for one last look around.

“It looks perfect,” Evie Thorne, hugely pregnant, declared.

“Absolutely wonderful,” Charlotte said.

“You’re brilliant,” Lucy said. “Hiring you to decorate Iris House was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.”

Genevieve looked delighted at the praise. “It’s been a thrill. I almost feel guilty letting you pay me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m charging you an arm and a leg. But I can still feel guilty about it, right?”

Charlotte and Alex Delgado chuckled.

“So when do we get to see the place?” Evie asked. “I can’t wait for the grand opening.”

“Two weeks,” Lucy said. “The couple I think I’m hiring to run the place can’t start until then.”

That part of the announcement was met by a stunned sort of silence.

“You mean you’re not going to be running it yourself?” Katherine Thorne asked.

“No.” She might as well tell them. Word would be out soon and this way she could tell everyone at once.

“I’m, um, actually leaving town next week. I’ve taken a new job in Portland.”

“No, you’re not!” Charlotte stared. “This is a joke, isn’t it?”

Lucy shook her head. “I’m afraid not. Aidan offered me a job as marketing director at one of his new offshoots. I start a week from Monday.”

“Oh, how exciting!” Katherine exclaimed. “Exciting for you, sad for us, I should say. We’ll be sorry to see you go, but Aidan is a genius. He seems to do no wrong these days.”

“Who ever would have guessed that the quiet, nerdy Aidan, who always seemed to be playing around on his computer would turn into such a hot geek one day?” Alex said.

“I know, right?” Gen grinned.

“Girl, you picked the wrong Caine,” Alex said to Gen. “Why would you want Dylan when you could have a Learjet and a house in San Francisco and a sexy nerd in glasses?”

Gen’s grin turned soft. “I wouldn’t trade Dylan for a fleet of Learjets and an entire city block in San Francisco.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet,” Alex said.

“Nothing sweet about it,” Genevieve said with a sultry look. “Aidan might be a sexy nerd who knows his way around a motherboard, but Dylan has a few serious skills of his own.”

“Ew,” Charlotte exclaimed. “Stop. These are my brothers you’re talking about, remember?”

The women laughed, and even Lucy mustered a smile, though her emotions still felt raw and tangled.

“So you’re moving to Portland?” Alex asked. “That’s a great food town. I’ll send you a list of a few fantastic restaurants I know in the area.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

The women spoke for a few more moments then everyone started dispersing to begin preparing for the evening’s gala. Lucy picked up a few empty boxes and stored them in the room off the ballroom then started to head to her car.

She wasn’t fast enough. Charlotte intercepted her before she could reach the door.

“Do Brendan and the children know you’re leaving?”

Her heart gave a hard, sharp spasm. “No. I haven’t had the chance to tell them yet.”

It was a lie. She had been with Brendan for three hours that morning. She could have mentioned it at any time, and she had had two weeks to prepare the children for her departure but she hadn’t yet found the courage.

“Don’t you think you need to?”

She sighed. “I don’t know what you think is going on between your brother and me but whatever it is, you’re wrong. We’re friends.” Right now, they weren’t even that, she thought with a pang, but she didn’t mention it to his sister.

“He cares about you. We all could see it at Carter’s birthday party.”

She flushed. “You’re imagining things.”

“Really? The way you were locked together in the kitchen was just a figment, then?”

Lucy winced. “You saw that?”

“I went in to grab more chips. Neither of you even heard me open the door. You were too busy being, uh, friends, I guess. I quickly backed out and ran interference so nobody else could go inside.”

“Thanks for that, at least.” She narrowed her gaze at his sister. “Wait a minute. You arranged for us to be assigned to work together today, didn’t you?”

Charlotte compressed her mouth into a line. “You don’t know what the last two years have been like. Losing Jess like that destroyed him. He never laughed or smiled at much of anything, until you came back to Hope’s Crossing. I just want him to be happy.”

Oh, she did, too. Even though that wouldn’t be with her.

“Charlotte, I know you love Brendan. I...I care about him, too. But he needs to work things out at his own pace. Don’t push him, okay?”

“Do you really think running away to work for Aidan will help the situation?”

“It’s a good opportunity for me. One I can’t pass up right now, especially when Brendan can’t give me any other reason to stay.”

To her surprise, Charlotte reached out and wrapped her in a hug that brought those dratted tears swimming to the surface. “We’ll miss you. Whatever you think, you’re good for Bren and for the kids. They need you. He’ll figure that out. You’ll see.”

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“Who knows? Maybe tonight you’ll dance together at the gala and he’ll realize he can’t live without you.”

Right. And maybe Max could join a dogsled team. All five pounds of him.

Lucy forced a smile. “Who knows? Anything can happen.”

Except that scenario Charlotte had just painted, of course. Since she wasn’t going to the gala, Brendan wouldn’t have the chance to dance with her, forget about realizing he couldn’t live without her.

“I should probably go. I have a certain puppy who’s been alone too long. I’ll see you later, okay?”

She hurried away through the magical wonderland of the ballroom before Charlotte could press her further.

She regretted she wouldn’t be able to see it at night with the lanterns lit and the fairy lights in the trees but nothing could drag her back here for the gala.

Instead, she would go back to Iris House. Maybe she would take Max for a walk and then take a long, luxurious soak in the deep claw-foot tub in her favorite of the bathrooms.

Yes, her heart might be breaking but she would look for whatever solace she could find.

* * *

“S
HE
’
S
NOT
HERE
.”

Brendan shifted his gaze from scanning the resort ballroom to find his father at his elbow holding a couple of drinks.

“Who’s not here?” he asked with deceptive casualness.