Wild Summer (3 page)

Look, I thought it was strange when you texted me and said you were coming down for a few days in the middle of term. I mean, summer break is what, three weeks away? You told me last time you were here that if your exams weren’t so bloody important, you would have gone to Russia with Peter and Pasha to meet Pasha’s family, so I thought something was up before you even got here…. And
of course you don’t have to fucking tell me. I just… I want you to know I’m here,
we’re
here
—
Julian cares for you too, we both do, deeply. If you’d rather talk to him, he’ll listen
—
he’s good at that. Just, don’t bottle it up, okay…? I won’t mention it again….
Romeo rolled his shoulders back, unable to hide the hurt in his eyes that Crash wouldn’t talk to him, despite his words.

Crash could feel his resolve wanting to cave, but he held on.

Something just threw me off-balance, and I needed to get away. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine.

Tightly, Romeo nodded, and they paddled back to shore without any more conversation.

T
HAT
NIGHT
Crash and Romeo got a little drunk in the candlelit garden. It was just a bottle of wine given as a gift, but the alcohol made them both giddy. For the first time in a week, Crash felt like himself, as if he could let go of the weight he was gripping on to so tightly rather than feel it was gripping on to him.

The woods around them took on a magical appeal in the candlelight, and their silent conversations were about everything and nothing. Even Julian’s somberness eased as he lay in Romeo’s arms, though it was not due to alcohol (since he’d gotten clean, Julian didn’t drink alcohol). More likely it was the intensity in Romeo’s eyes as he looked at him, the way his touch held a promise even Crash was not blind to.

Julian signed fluently nowadays, as if he’d been doing it his whole life, and Crash realized as the evening progressed that he respected and liked him deeply. He needed to show him that, needed him to know, and when Crash lay down in the grass and hugged them both, Romeo’s laugh vibrated through him.

You’re such a puppy,
Romeo signed happily, not realizing his words set off a discordant, sobering echo in Crash’s head.

L
ONG
AFTER
midnight Crash finally gave in to the tiredness that swept through him like a great ocean wave and went to bed, leaving Romeo and Julian kissing under the stars. As he lay looking up at the moonlight on the wooden beams crisscrossing the ceiling, he knew he would dream. He just hoped he could finally let the dreams go.

Before….

“R
EN
ISN
’
T
there. I’ll have to go back later,” Summer said, anxiety swirling in the depths of his eyes even though his expression remained neutral. “You followed me,” he added matter-of-factly, not quite meeting Christopher’s gaze.

Summer had tensed up when he’d walked out of the club and seen Christopher waiting by the back door. Though it seemed to Christopher his tension was more out of fear than anger that he’d been followed.

Christopher dipped his head, embarrassed but not ashamed of doing what his heart told him was the right thing. He would have followed Summer
inside
had the door not been frustratingly locked.

“Come on, we’ve got some time to waste. I’ll take you to see the sea,” Summer said, a little of the tension melting from his body.

Back out in the sunshine, the shadows of the alley fled. And once they were clear of the high street, Summer took his hand, and they ran. Despite Summer’s lack of height, as he’d proved earlier, he was by far the quicker, shooting like a jet across the grass. By the time they reached the sea wall, they were both panting and grinning, and Summer flung their joined hands out wide in the direction of the glinting, blue-gray sea. It was beautiful, Christopher thought. But not as beautiful as the blue-haired boy beside him.

“Want to go down to the rocks?”

Summer leaned over the wall and pointed at the black rocks some fifty feet below.

Without thinking, Christopher nodded, knowing he’d follow this boy anywhere and feeling slightly unnerved by the realization. It had barely been a few hours they’d known each other, and yet it felt like
always.

The path down the cliff was winding and narrow. Yellow and purple gorse grew out of every rocky crevice, spiking their skin and catching at their clothing. Christopher shifted his bag awkwardly as it banged into his hip and wished there was somewhere he could have left it for a while.

Every so often Summer looked back as if to check Christopher was still there, still following, perhaps concerned he would take a misstep and slip down the cliff into the sea. He needn’t have worried—Christopher was in possession of considerable natural grace, unusual perhaps in someone so tall. He had a love of heights and climbing, albeit the climbing mostly involved office buildings, but still, a cliff face did not faze him, especially not one with a
path.

The tide was coming in, lapping against the rocks below.

“It’s only shallow,” Summer told him, sitting down at the base of the cliff to remove his shoes. “There’s a small cove round the corner.”

Carrying their shoes, they waded across the smooth rocks through the warm clear water. The heat of the afternoon sun made Christopher’s skin prickle, and he had a huge desire to strip off and dive into the water to cool down.

“Won’t we get stuck if the tide comes in?” Christopher asked, wishing he didn’t think about things like that, wishing he could just lose himself in this flow of moments, this boy by his side.

Summer stopped, leaned against the cliff wall, and shrugged. In the blue sky above them, seagulls wheeled in endless circles—no beginning, no end.

“There are worse things,” he said, his eyes sparkling with sunlight.

When Summer smiled like that, there was nothing brighter, and Christopher felt his insides liquefy, his knees go weak. He put a hand on the rock face beside him to steady himself. It was hopeless—he was done for. To be the cause of that smile was the only thing he wanted. It would become his mission in life.

“You don’t know my name,” Christopher said, all at once needing Summer to know, to recognize him, to say his name so Christopher could see the shape of it in his mouth.

Taking a single light step through the water, Summer placed a finger against Christopher’s lip.

“Don’t” was all he said.

Now… (four years later)

A
FIRM
grip shook him, and Crash groggily opened his eyes and squinted at Julian.

The sky was still dark, moonlight shining over the swaying trees and into the room, light enough to see by.

What’s going on?
he signed, puzzled at why Julian knelt on the dusty floorboards, shaking him awake.

You were shouting,
Julian replied.

Bringing his hand up to his forehead, Crash squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t even remember the dream this time.
Sorry,
he signed, embarrassed.

Julian shrugged.
You okay?

The unexpected worry in his expression caught Crash off guard.

No. Not really.
He frowned at his admission, still trying to remember the dream.

Do you want a drink? I was… just going to make a hot chocolate…. It helps when I can’t sleep.
Julian smiled awkwardly, as if unsure his offer would be accepted.

They hadn’t always been friends. In the past they had got along because of Romeo, because they both loved Romeo, but there was something here, Crash could feel it, the possibility of deepening the trust between them. They were similar deep down, beneath the surface—both acutely shy, though they dealt with it in different ways—both loyal and true. Both willing to sacrifice everything for the person they loved.

Crash nodded, getting out of bed to follow Julian quietly down the stairs.

Julian closed the narrow wooden door at the bottom of the stairs behind them, carefully clicking the latch.

Romeo’s a light sleeper mostly, except when he’s drunk
.
Then he could sleep through an earthquake,
Julian signed.

They lit candles on every work surface, until the kitchen held a cozy yellow glow. The way the flames flickered and swayed in the drafts was mesmerizing, calming.

Romeo and Julian had a generator outside for electricity, but it required a bit of effort to get going. Not something you wanted to be doing in the middle of the night.

Watching Julian as he thoughtfully prepared the drinks, Crash got the distinct feeling Romeo had made the absolute right choice with his peaceful life out here. Because sometimes he had wondered about that choice, especially in the beginning—though he would never have given anything other than support to his friend. But now he could clearly see Julian would love and look after Romeo until the end, even if it meant sorting out his friend’s problems for him so he slept better at night.

I make these too sweet for most people,
Julian signed apologetically after he placed the mug down in front of Crash on the tiny kitchen table.
Romeo thinks it’s a hang-up from being hungry and living on the streets like we did. He won’t believe I just have a sweet tooth.

For Julian, who didn’t normally say much at all, this was a surprisingly candid and expansive revelation.

It’s nice,
Crash signed, smiling after he took a sip.
Thank you… for this and for putting me up here. I know… I know I’m not being the easiest houseguest at the moment.

Absently he ran his fingernail along a deep gouge in the table’s battered surface. Most of the furniture in the cottage was reclaimed from somewhere, and the table, Crash knew, had come from the sea.

So what’s happened?
Julian signed when Crash looked up.

Crash gave him a rueful smile—Julian didn’t beat around the bush.
You know Romeo asked me the same question?

Julian nodded. He didn’t seem to
expect
any answers; he was just giving Crash an opening… and somehow that made things easier. It was as if Julian understood that sometimes there weren’t any answers to give.

The chocolate was too hot to drink in big gulps, so Crash sipped it, then put the mug down and cupped it with his hands.

“Hurts to talk about,” he mouthed.

But not talking about it hurts too…,
Julian signed.

Only someone with secrets held in his own heart would know that, would understand.

Crash didn’t look up for a long time, and Julian didn’t press him, and that was comforting in its way.

Did you know you loved Romeo from the start?
Crash asked eventually.

From the moment I laid eyes on him?
Julian shook his head.
I wanted to protect him more than anything. Love was more like a snowball effect that picked up momentum over time, but….
His cheeks flushed, and he bit his lip, making Crash smile—he rarely saw Julian be anything but cool and certain and serious.
I fell hard pretty quick, yeah.

The first time Julian had seen Romeo was when he was being beaten up by a gang of thugs, so Romeo had told Crash, and Julian had waded in with a metal bar like some avenging angel and saved him.

It was very different from Crash’s meeting with Summer…. Or was it? They had both saved someone.

Crash sighed. Nothing made sense. Feeling the way he did didn’t make sense. Why wasn’t he over this? After all this time, all these years, he’d thought he
was
over this.

I think I’m going crazy,
he signed, hopelessly.

Julian sipped his drink and waited.

It was all a mess in his head, and Crash didn’t know where to begin. He decided to be blunt.

I met this boy when I was fifteen.
I saved his life.
I loved him
. Even now the intensity of it was immediate. The pain complete.
I thought at first he might feel the same…. I mean, I never even questioned whether he was gay or not. There was just this force pulling us together…. I knew it was more than attraction from the start. But he was with someone else, and one night they hurt and humiliated him and I was there and I didn’t stop it. I should have, but I was scared, and I didn’t know how to handle what had happened. Afterward he was so hurt and angry. I can see now he was ashamed of me witnessing it. But at the time I didn’t have a clue. He told me in no uncertain terms he never wanted to see me again, and that was it. I ran. And I never went back.

Crash took a deep breath. His chest hurt.

I got over it. It took time, but you have to, don’t you. He became someone I lost. You can’t live your life so full of regret, thinking about someone who doesn’t want you, can you? Every so often I had dreams, but as the years went by, they became less and less. Until last week.

What happened last week?

I saw him again… just saw him. We didn’t even speak, but… I’d got over this. I did. I can’t feel like this again. I can’t.

Mortified
,
Crash choked back a sob.

Shocked, Julian reached across the table and laid a hand on his arm.

I think I need to go for a walk,
Crash signed abruptly, standing up, not wanting anyone to witness him losing it, because he knew he was going to.

Julian reached into a drawer behind him and pulled out a torch.

I’ll leave the door unlocked
, Julian signed solemnly as he let him out.

They both knew Crash wasn’t going for a walk. They both knew he was only going to sit in the garden awhile and pull himself together.