Willie's Redneck Time Machine (14 page)
Read Willie's Redneck Time Machine Online
Authors: John Luke Robertson
YOU SMILE AT THE WOMAN
interrogating you.
“I’m wondering
—have you seen Chewbacca anywhere? Maybe Luke?”
She doesn’t smile.
In fact, your remark seems to have made her very unhappy.
She pulls out a round, disklike thing and places it in the palm of her hand. It begins to hover.
“That’s cool,” you tell her, trying to show that you’re a friendly, good guy.
You can see she’s reading something on the disk.
“I think, Willie Jess Robertson, born April 22, 1972, it’s definitely not ‘cool.’”
“Wow
—future technology. Did you buy that at RadioShack?”
She lets out a fake laugh as she grabs the disk and turns it toward you. You see a screen like a small, round television. On it is an image of your face.
What is that?
“That is you,” she says.
You can read minds?
“Yours I can. Good-bye, Mr. Robertson.”
You wake up and find that you’re a construction worker in the year 1990. It’s strange because you end up having these confusing memories. Of West Monroe. Of going to the future. Of having a beard. Even of Mars.
But, alas, you spend the rest of your life beardless and West Monroe–less and never even know what a duck call really is.
Until, of course, someone suggests you get a memory implant, an amazing new procedure that will allow you to experience a fully imagined other life.
This gives you déjà vu, but you really can’t recall why.
THE END
“WELL, LOOKY WHAT WE GOT HERE,”
a voice says from across the warehouse.
You’re sitting on a box of Duck Commander hats in front of the mystery outhouse as Phil strides over. He’s wearing all camo and has shades on. He stands right next to you, staring at the outhouse.
“Go ahead, get inside,” you tell him.
“Why so glum?”
You doubt your father is involved with the joke everyone else seems to be playing. But then again, maybe
everybody’s
in on it.
“You know why this thing’s here?” you ask.
“No, sirree,” Phil says. “What would I know about a wooden shed containing a toilet in the middle of your warehouse?”
“I don’t know. People keep getting inside and then disappearing.”
Phil looks at you and nods slowly. He examines the control panel on the door.
“I bet you’re going to get inside and disappear too, right?” you say.
“A man doesn’t go into an outhouse unless he’s got business to take care of,” Phil says in his trademark quotable tone.
“You seen John Luke, Jase, or Si?” you ask.
“They’re all in there?”
You smile. Maybe Phil is indeed a part of this. “Oh yeah. They all went in, but they didn’t come out. It’s one of
those
outhouses.”
“Sounds like the Mafia to me.” Phil opens the door and looks inside. “Ain’t smelling anything, so that’s a good thing,” he says.
“Ain’t seeing anybody, so that’s a strange thing,” you reply.
“So if I go inside and come right out, will you take me to get some lunch?” Phil asks.
“I’ll even
pay
,” you say.
“Okay. I’m hungry. That’s all I gotta say.”
The tall, lean figure of Phil steps into the outhouse. The door swings shut, and the lights flash blue and green. You knew this would happen
—maybe Phil will pay for your lunch instead. If you ever find him, that is. You’d hear
something if your family members were all escaping into a secret underground tunnel or through a back door.
The lights blink one more time, and the door opens.
“I bet you’re not there, are you?” you say.
You look around the warehouse to see if someone’s
finally
going to jump out and surprise you. But, nope. So you check the outhouse again.
Empty.
Unoccupied.
Abandoned.
Deserted.
You stand there and think for a minute.
Some say you can be stubborn, but they’re wrong
—what you really are is smart. Caution can be an asset. And sometimes being suspicious can save you time and money.
Plus, you have two older brothers and a younger one, and also five kids. You know the importance of being careful about what’s behind the door.
Lots
of things have been behind doors in the Robertson home.
But now that Phil has vanished
—and you know he’s not much into playing pranks
—you think that something really, truly might be going on with this outhouse.
Sometimes it pays to hold back, but sometimes you simply gotta get on with it.
You step inside the wooden box and shut the door behind
you. It doesn’t take long to realize that you were wrong, for what you’re standing in is not an outhouse anymore.
Do you press a flashing button on a control panel in front of you?
Go here
.
Do you decide you better not touch anything until you can figure out what’s going on?
Go here
.
YOU JUST LET UNCLE SI
crack open your head to find a hidden implant in your brain.
Are you crazy?
Has the time travel really gotten to you?
When Si tries to do whatever he needs to do to your head, something seems to go wrong, and he falls back a moment.
“What? What is it?”
You’re feeling a bit woozy.
“What happened?” you ask.
“Are you
—? You can still talk?”
“Yeah.”
You try to put your hand on your head. But then you realize you’re missing a big chunk of it.
“That can’t be good,” you say.
Si just stammers, “I-I thought I knew how to work one of these things.”
“And you tell me that
—”
Now?
Those are the last words you will ever say.
Until you hear a familiar song and find yourself singing along. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”
Your phone is ringing. Somehow you’re back in your warehouse. And somehow . . .
Wait a minute. Where are you back from?
And why’s your head pounding?
THE END
YOU REALIZE YOU DON’T
WANT
to see the future. It’s too weird. This store and John Luke and that little car. Thanks but no thanks. You can experience 2038 after living another twenty-odd years, as you explain to John Luke before you go back through the Walmazon doors.
Wandering down an aisle, you try to find the men’s restroom. Surely the outhouse will still be there, right?
You pass a huge display that shows guys wearing some kind of strange camouflage you’ve never seen before. Then you read the header.
Squirrel & Girls
There are T-shirts and toys and books and even Chia Pets.
Wait a minute.
Everything looks like Duck Commander. They even have a logo of . . . a squirrel.
What is this?
You go over to a lady behind the jewelry counter.
“Hey, what’s this Squirrel & Girls?”
“Oh, they’re great.”
“Who are they?”
“A family living in Monronia.”
You lean over because you think you didn’t hear her right. “Mon
ronia
? What’s that?”
“Our town. You from out of town?”
Yeah, I’m from
out of this world.
“Something like that,” you say. “So what do they do?”
“Oh, they’re great. Funny. It’s a mother and father
—the mom used to hunt squirrels, and now the four daughters all do the same. They’re a huge brand. They sell everything. They’ve had four movies come out. You didn’t see them?”
“Movies?”
“Sure,” the woman says. “I watched one on my refrigerator the other morning. It was good.”
Somehow it seems like every other word this lady is saying isn’t coming out right.
“What’s the movie called?”
“Oh,
The Dark Squirrel Rises
.”
This must be the bizarro future caused by something you ate. Again you remember those fried pickles from right before you got into the machine.
“Okay, thanks.”
“But don’t start there,” the woman says as you begin to leave. “Start with
Star Squirrels
. Then
The Squirrel Who Loved Me
.”
“Will do.”
You gotta get out of here.
Before you leave the Squirrel & Girls merchandise center, you see a stack of boxes that say
Chia Jillie
. You can only shake your head and keep going.
When you get to the restroom, you see workmen carrying pieces of wood out of it. You rush in and find what remains of the time machine: a pile of scraps.
It’s been battered and destroyed.
You’re never going back home, back to 2014.
You decide to shout a loud and long “nooooooooo!”
“Greetings, Willie,” a voice behind you says.
But you’re still yelling, “Noooooooo!”
Eventually you stop.
“Willie Robertson. The once-famous Duckman.”
You look up and see an older guy staring at you. The workmen leave the scraps so you two can have a private conversation.
“Do I know you?” you ask the older man, who, strangely enough, sorta looks like you.
He’s got a thick gray beard and long hair and even has a bandanna on his head.
“It’s Henry Billowby. From West Monroe High.”
Of all the people you could imagine meeting right here and now, he never would have crossed your mind.
“And yes, I know you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here.”
“I’m wondering what
I’m
doing here,” you say.
“Since I’m really the only villain your story has, of course I need to show up at some point. Don’t you think?”
“I’m not quite following.”
“The world has changed, Willie. Duckman. Ever since you decided to come back and pick a fight with my brother and me when you saw us in high school. Remember?”
“That never
—”
“Oh yes, it did,” he interrupts. “And it changed the course of everything. Everything.”
You stare at the busted time machine.
“What’d you do?” you ask.
“For one thing, I helped get legislation in place to make duck hunting illegal.”
“You what?”
Henry nods. He looks seriously sorta crazy.
“That’s right. No more duck hunting. Ever. And you know what happened then? That meant no more Duck Commander. It opened up room for my franchise.”
“Let me guess . . . Squirrel & Girls.”
“Yes. And we’re bigger than anything Duck Commander did. We have our own movies. That’s right. Full length. With special effects. Forget books about time travel. We filmed scenes with space travel.”
“I’m getting out of here,” you say.
“Oh no.”
Now he’s pointing a mysterious object at you. Something that resembles a lollipop.
“This is a blowgun. The round top contains a synthetic blast that could kill you instantly.”
You laugh. “This is ridiculous.”
“I mean it!” he screams. “Now I order you to get into the second stall over there.”
“What for?”
“You’ll see.”
“Look, Henry, whatever you might
—”
“Now!” he screams as he waves the lollipop-like thing at your head.
“Okay, fine.”
You start to enter one of the bathroom stalls.
“The second one!”
You step inside and wait.
“Can I come out?”
You keep waiting. You don’t hear anything.
“Henry?”
You decide to slowly open the door.
When you do, blue skies surround you, with similarly colored water below. You see hills in every direction.
Then you spot a field of ducks. Hundreds, maybe thousands of ducks.
You don’t know this now, but you’re in a place called Kendahari, which is a small town in Malaysia. Five people live here. Now there are six.
You never learn the year because you can’t speak the language. All you know is that this place protects ducks. They love ducks. They’re pets.
Here in Kendahari, you have to live alongside ducks for the rest of your life. And you can never harm them nor eat them nor anger them.
You will forever be haunted by ducks. Thanks to Henry Billowby and your time travel machine.
You knew you shouldn’t have gone inside it.
You find yourself wishing you could go back, right to the moment before you spotted the time machine, when you were innocent and busy and didn’t even know time travel was possible.
Funny thing about wishes, however.
Sometimes they come true.
THE END