Winning Back Ryan (10 page)

             
“I don’t have a problem paying,” I said, “but now that I know what’s involved I feel a lot better. There’s no expectation of…you know, right?” I was well aware that at the age of twenty-three I should be comfortable saying the word sex. I normally was, but I was talking to Brian, and we stayed away from these topics, so it felt taboo to say it.

             
“There should be no expectation. Men are men, though, Annie. If he’s a decent guy, you’ll have a good time, no hassle. If he’s a jerk with only one thing on his mind, you might find yourself kneeing him in the groin. Just pick who you go out with carefully.”

             
I let his advice marinate in my mind for a moment before saying, “I think our avant-garde art is getting boring.”

             
“Is that so? We’ll have to spice it up a bit then.”

Before I can even ask what he meant by that, he placed a plastic, hairy spider on my stomach. I let out an ear piercing scream, jumped out of the bed, hopping up and down as my hands flailed. When I looked over at Brian chuckling, he had his phone out, taking video. I made a vulgar gesture with my finger before grabbing my packages and heading for the door.

              “Come on,” he said to me, still laughing fifteen minutes later. “You have to admit it was funny.”

             
“I’m not admitting anything,” I said glancing at the large mall directory sign, reading what other stores had recently opened.

He leaned over, his hand moving to my underarm. He began tickling me, and I shrieked. This was the problem with best friends. They knew you were
arachnophobic and highly ticklish.

             
“Come on, admit it.” He brought his second hand around to begin tickling my other underarm and tears streamed down my face from the laughter. “I- I won’t.” I could barely speak the words in between laughs.

             
“Admit it,” he said again, keeping up his attack as my body wildly thrashed about trying to get away from him.  Another minute and I couldn’t handle any more.

             
“Fine!” I shouted. I’d say anything at this point to make him stop. “Your attack was well thought out.”

             
He sighed in relief, releasing me from his torture. “I know,” he said smugly.

             
I needed to keep walking, so that he didn’t attack me again. “Ooh a coffee stand,” I said, reading the sign and started walking in the direction it pointed towards.

One mocha flavored iced latte
later, I paid the barista for the drink.

             
“You really drink a lot of caffeine,” Brian griped before I turned and read the sign above me:
Sexy Secrets

             
“Come on,” I said, patting his arm. “We’re going to have a lot of fun.”

Walking around the store, I felt overwhelmed. There was a lot of stuff here. Did men like it all?   No wonder Ryan left me.

              “So, how does a woman know if she’s good in bed?” I asked Brian who was curiously hovering over me his eyes darting around the lingerie store.

             
“What are you talking about?” he asked and if I stopped short, he would slam into me he walked so close.

             
I turned toward him with a silk camisole in hand. “How does a woman know if she’s pleasing a guy?” I asked again.

             
“Don’t hit me for this answer,” he said, “but generally if he comes then you’ve done the right thing.”

             
“There’s got to be more to it than that. I’m sorry. Is this TMI?” I asked, trading out the camisole for a leopard-print padded bra.

             
He glanced from the bra to me, before answering. “We’re good. What is it that’s really bothering you?”

I sighed, knowing that Brian wouldn’t allow me to beat around the bush; he always mercilessly cut out the fat to reach the heart of the matter. I have always greatly admired that about Brian. I traded out the bra in my hand for one that appeared see-through.

              “I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day about once I’m with another guy realizing that Ryan is not so special. I’ve been thinking about that.”

             
“Oh, yeah, and what have you been thinking?” he asked, his voice animated.

             
“About being inexperienced. As I told you, Ryan was the only one. I mean I’m not totally clueless, I have watched videos.”

             
“What videos?” His eyes  watched me intently.

             
“Well, I lied to Ryan saying he wasn’t my first. So, you know after the first few times, I figured I needed some help to actually make the lie seem believable.” I glanced back, pointing my finger at him. “You better not make fun of me,” I threatened him.

             
“I promise you that I won’t.”

             
I felt satisfied with his promise and continued. “Well, I watched sex videos for pointers.” His brows rose to his hairline. “You know, ways to heighten his arousal, how to give him better orgasms, positions that turn him on.”

             
“How to give him a better orgasm?”

             
“Yeah, but I don’t know if it works the same on every guy. Does that mean I have to start over again?” I turned and saw a bustier, picked it up, and held it to my body. “What do you think? Too much?”

             
“It’s great,” he replied quickly.

             
“Really?” I glanced over the piece again. It looked uncomfortable, so I put it back on the rack.

             
“So, if Ryan was your first, does that mean that I was your first kiss?” he asked, wearing a devilish smile.

             
“You mean when you shoved your tongue down my throat making me gag, and grabbed my breasts like you were hoping they’d detach? I don’t consider that a kiss or a make-out.” I picked up a pair of lacy thigh-highs.

             
“Ouch. It was that bad?” he asked and I realized he looks a little wounded.

             
“I did leave the movie theater, didn’t I? Listen, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve decided since you’ve dated nearly half of New York at this point that you’ve now got crazy skills now. Also, I’ve never told anyone about what happened on our date, and I never will.”

             
“See, this is a problem for me,” he said, arms folded.

             
“What?” I asked holding up a three piece set in my hands. “The green’s too much?”

             
“The green is fine. I feel it’s unfair that I can’t redeem myself. I am forced to have you walking around believing that I’m a terrible lover. That seems unfair. Plus, you weren’t that good of a kisser, either.”

             
“What?” I turned around with lingerie still in my hand. “I’m a good kisser. I may not be great at the other stuff, but I’m an excellent kisser.”

             
“Well, it has been five years. Lots can happen since then, but I’m still left with the impression that you’re not all that spectacular.” I glared defiantly, as he shrugged his shoulders. “Facts are facts.”

For a brief moment, I thought about planting one on his lips to knock his socks off. Instead, I took a step back, grabbing a blue pair of lacy boy shorts.

              “What about these?”

He smirked, nodding.

              But, my ego was now bruised, so I couldn’t help but ask, “What makes a girl a good kisser?”  Did Ryan think I was a good kisser? Who cares, I reminded myself.

             
He glanced up at the ceiling before glancing back at me aloofly. “You can’t force passion or come across overeager. It has to be natural.”

             
“That sounds pretty vague,” I said, “There have to be techniques.”  I saw a navy blue camisole. “Ryan would love this,” I said, rummaging through the rack to find my size.

             
“What?” Brian asked, looking off-balance.

             
“I wanted to make Ryan jealous by walking around the apartment in lingerie. Let him see what he gave up. You know…to mess with his head a bit.”

             
Frowning, Brian replied, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I ignored his comment, glancing down at a table full of different types of knickers. I held up a pair of red, silk panties.

              "Do you think Ryan would find these sexy or trashy?" I asked Brian.

             
He looked at the underwear then at me, swallowing hard. "You should buy those."

I huffed. He needed to stay on task here, although I was not entirely sure what that task even was anymore.

              "That's not the question I asked you."

             
"I don't care what the question was. The answer is that you should buy those," he replied with excitement in his eyes.

             
“Why isn’t that a good idea?” I asked, my arm on my hip.

             
“Because you claim that you’ll be messing with his head, but I think it’ll be messing with yours,” he said, looking concerned.

             
“Why do you say that?”

He strode over to me standing a breath away, his hands on my arms. He leaned his head in, our noses touching.

              “If he did this to you, could you resist?” he whispered.

My mind completely blanked.

              I released a shaky breath and sputtered, “Yes.”

             
“Are you sure?”

             
I nodded. “I know how I would feel afterwards. All I have to think about is how much I’d regret it later on.”

             
He took a pointed step away. “Yes, regretting it afterwards. That’s a problem.” I stood there with my heart pounding inexplicably.

             
“So, um…which kinds do you think he’d like the best?” I asked trying to figure out what was going on.

             
“Get all of it, get none of it, it’s up to you, Annie. Don’t buy what you think he’ll like, buy what you like. If you’re happy in it and feel sexy, it will show and he’ll find you sexy. While you make your choices, I need to go outside.”

             
“Why do you have to go outside?” I asked still clutching the silk panties.

             
“I need to go think about road kill, and my parents doing it, and the feeling right before I took a college exam,” he said, rubbing his forehead.

             
I glanced at him confused. “Why would you need to think about those things?”

             
“Annie, I’m a man. I have limits. Men only belong in this store if they are purchasing these things for their love as a gift, or if they’re here with their girl and it’s a sneak preview of what’s to come later that night. Neither is the situation here, so I’m going outside.”

             
“Fine! Leave you big baby!” I shouted. I couldn’t believe he was abandoning me over some silk and metal wiring.

             
Brian turned, shaking his head, and I heard him mutter, “The things that I do for you.”

As he turned to walk out, he stopped short. I glanced up from the perusing thigh-high leggings.

My stomach dropped. Oh, God.

              “You didn’t think that I was going to miss out on an opportunity like this, did you?” Ben asked with George on his left winking at a woman, Max on his right looking positively murderous. He had clearly been dragged here.

             
“What are you doing here in New Jersey?” I blurted out. “You belong in New York.”

             
Ben placed his hand over his heart. “I wounded, Princess. Did you think I was going to miss out on you giving Ryan the proverbial middle finger? No way. If you listen to Brian, he’ll put you in some outfit my grandma would wear. I’ll make his tongue hit the floor. Trust me.”

             
I rubbed my forehead in frustration. “How did you even find me?”

             
He laughed loudly. “You forgot about your GPS tracking app?” I groaned in frustration. During college I got lost so frequently- one time needing to go to the book store three blocks away and winding up in Harlem- that I added an app to my phone that George, Ben, Brian, and Max could find me if I called to give me directions home. It had been brilliant all through college….

             
“Wait a minute! Your grandmother wears lingerie?” I asked, his words finally settling in.

             
He shrugged. “On occasion.” I stared, horrified.

             
He glanced around before picking up pink lace boy shorts. “You need a few pairs of these.”

             
I looked at the item he held up in confusion. “Where’s the rest of them?”

             
He smirked. “This is the rest.”

I tilted my head sideways, trying to understand.

              “They’re crotchless panties,” he explained.

             
“What is the purpose of them?” I stared in disbelief. Ben fought back a chuckle. I pointed my finger at him. “Do not laugh at me.”
              He cleared his throat. “Easy access. If you’re out somewhere with your guy and suddenly the urge just overtakes you, he can get in and out easily if you slip into a bathroom or a back alley...”

             
“No easy access. No access at all.” I shook my head so hard I thought it might come off my neck. “He will never see
that
again.”

             
“So, you’re just going to be an outrageous tease? Nice to see you branching out and trying something new,” Ben said, using his sarcastic tone.

             
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked sharply.

             
He smirked, shaking his head. “Nothing. It means nothing.” I refused to let the matter go though, and as I started to press the issue, he picked up a blue silk negligee. “What about this for bedtime?”

I touched the material, soft between my fingertips. It was beautiful, so I nodded.

              “That’ll cover me up, right?”

             
“Only one way to find out.” He leaned in closer. “Your place or mine?”

             
“I think you need this,” George said holding up a frightening piece with more wires than I ever thought were humanly possible to construct into one garment.

             
“That’s scary. I think I’ll start slow. Work my way up to that…whatever it is.”

George rolled his eyes and walked away.

              “I think you should wear this,” Max said holding up a very respectable nightgown.

             
“What the fuck is that supposed to do? We don’t want his cock to shrivel up and fall off,” Ben said.

I glanced to make sure the size was right. Max clearly did not want to be there, and I felt bad for my friend.

              “Thanks for the suggestion, Max. I’ll get it.” I took it from him and held it on my arm. I glared at Ben. “I’ll wear it on a night that you want to sleep over.” He just smiled wider.

             
“I think this would be perfect.”  I glanced up to find Brian holding a white silk bustier with white lace overlay, clips hanging to secure the thigh highs.

             
“Yeah, that’s a gorgeous outfit…for her fucking wedding night,” Ben commented, “Again you’re going to make his cock soft.”

             
“I thought you were going outside. Couldn’t stand to be in here anymore,” I commented to Brian.

             
“I’m good now. I got over that,” he said. Ben smirked as though he was in on some private joke.

By now I realized that I was just going to have to buy everything they suggested.

              “It looks very pretty.” I added the outfit to my arm collection.

             
“How about this?” George came back.

He held up a black see-through bra and panty set with pink intricately-stitched flowers across the material.

              “This is nice.” I glanced in to see if he had the right sizes. “How did you know my size…the right number and cup size?” I asked in astonishment.

             
“It’s a gift.” He winked at me, and while shaking my head, I added the outfit to my growing pile.

             
“They’re all not good enough,” Ben said, “I’ll find the outfit.”  He walked off as we stood there.

             
“I’ll find something better than him,” Brian said walking off.

             
George smirked. “Gotta love a good cockfight.”

             
My eyebrows questioned him, not understanding the purpose of his comment. “What are you talking about? Are you making up nonsense again?”
              George laughed loudly, and Max tried to eat his smile. “You say the funniest shit sometimes. I’d love to live in your world for just a day.” I was pretty sure that was an insult.  “Before I could even press the matter George asked, “So, you’re single now. Any thoughts on who you want to date next?”

             
I shrugged. “Too hell bent on revenge to think about moving on yet. I don’t know if I can do it again. Walking in on Ryan with that girl, the image still haunts me. I’d give anything to have gone with Brian out somewhere that Friday, or gone to Pyro’s when Ben called instead of going home. Ignorance is bliss.”

             
George looked pained for a moment before his eyes turned thoughtful, his hands inside his designer jean pockets before he said, “It hurts this much because it’s your first broken heart. Everything feels the most intense. The pain will lessen with time when you realize that the world will continue on anyway with or without you. When loneliness gets ya at night, and you find yourself sick to death of staring at an empty bed, you’ll start dating someone else.”

             
I sighed. “You’re probably right.”

             
“Listen, I know Ben doesn’t always get it right, but he always gets it right when it matters. Don’t write him off, Annie. There’s a reason that he’s my best friend.” George shifted his foot, putting it forward as he flexed his back. “Sometimes the person that you think you need the least is actually the person that you need the most.”

             
I shook my head. “I am not ruining my friendship with any of you. You’re my closest friends. I’m not chancing it.”

             
“You may not have a choice, Annie. Ben and Brian may make you choose,” He sighed, long and drawn out. “It’s been a long time coming.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Max rub his forehead, frowning. Suddenly, I understood. It hit me like a ton of bricks, a hard smack in the face. The taste was bitter in my mouth realizing that Ryan was right. It seemed some of my friends weren’t really my friends. Or at least, that’s not all they wanted to be.

              “I refuse,” I whispered furiously. “I refuse to date either.”

             
“Why not?” he asked casually. “They know practically everything about you, your hang ups, your thoughts on almost everything. They know where you come from and where you want to go. Both know that you’re absolutely bat-shit crazy, and they still want to be with you.”

             
“You know why I can’t be with Brian,” I whispered.

             
George leaned over towards me. “Because of that first date screw up, or because of the other thing?”

             
“The other thing,” I whispered back.

             
“Then if you can’t ever get past that…” I opened my mouth to speak. “Which I don’t blame you for. But, if that’s the case, let him know.”

             
“But, I might lose his friendship. He’s my best friend.”

             
He shrugged. “If you’re honest with him, he’ll respect that. You might only lose him for a few months while he gets over you. Then he can come back once he’s moved on. But, if you don’t say anything, it will eventually blow up in your face, and you may lose him forever.”

I stood there with my mouth agape, horrified.

              “George is absolutely right,” Max whispered.

My worst fears were coming true.

              “What about Ben?” George asked.

             
I openly glared at him. “Are you kidding me? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.” My eyes blinked rapidly as my brain tried to catch up with my mouth. “What on earth could I offer him? I just got out of a relationship where I didn’t feel like an equal. Why would I go into another one like that? He doesn’t want me per se, he just doesn’t like being denied anything. He doesn’t like that I’ve said no. Once I gave in, he’d be interested for a while in his shiny new toy, but eventually the novelty would wear off, and his eyes would drift elsewhere. No thanks.”

             
George contemplated my words for a moment. “If this was a year ago, I would agree with you completely. But, now…” He shook his head. “You just don’t see what I see.”

This was the shopping trip from hell.

              Ben strolled over. “This is the one! He’ll lose his fuckin’ mind when he sees this!”

              I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Looks awesome,” I said, taking the hanger from him and adding it to the pile before glancing down at the ground.

“Nope this is the one.” Brian stood there with his choice.

              “Awesome,” I repeated, taking it. “I’m going to go pay for these.” I turned, walking numbly towards the cash register. How much could I lose in one month?

             
After paying, and not able to find another reason for linger, I finally trudged back towards the guys.  Brian looked uneasy, George had a quiet acceptance in his eyes, Max looked like he was fighting a headache, but Ben’s head was tilted sideways his eyes slightly squinting. I hated that look, especially when it was being used on me. Whenever he pulled that look, he always figured what was wrong with someone- how exactly he did it, I’ll probably never know- and then called them out on it. I didn’t want that now, because there was no solution to this problem, apparently only friends to be lost. What a shitty weekend.

             
But, Ben’s eyes finally widened and he remained quiet, and though I felt relieved, I still felt sad, feeling l like this would be one of our last hangouts together. I felt that impending sense of inevitability during the last summer days of my senior year in Ohio, knowing that I would be leaving for New York soon, knowing my friends and I would likely drift apart. I had the same feeling now. I knew what was likely to happen, but saw no way to stop it.

             
“So, thanks for everything guys. You were the best. ” My voice sounded hollow even in my own ears. I tried to offer a fake smile.

             
“So, are we going out to dinner now?” Brian asked.

             
“Um…”I bit my lower lip, scratching my head, staring at my feet.

             
“What’s the problem? Your best friend can’t take you out to dinner?” he asked, smirking at me.

I thought I was going to hurl. I just couldn’t lose him.

              “We’d go to dinner as friends. Just like friends do, right?” I realized my voice sounded panicky.

I saw Ben’s eyes grow sad, while Brian looked confused. “Right, like friends do. Just like we always do.”

I bit my lower lip. If this was going to be the end, I wanted the memories desperately. I fought back tears.

             
“Sounds good.”

             
“Well, have fun you two,” Ben said, and he covered whatever he felt well. “This has kicked ass. Annie, you better take him down.” He looked at me seriously for a moment. “And don’t forget to have fun while you’re doing it.”

He turned, walking out of the store, and as George’s and my eyes met, I pleaded with him: Don’t tell me that I’m losing you, too. His smile reassured me that my fear was unfounded in that
respect, and he winked and followed Ben out. Max gave me a sympathetic smile before turning and leaving.