Winning Back Ryan (15 page)

It was the first time that I realized Brian’s hair was wet and messy like he had just stepped out of a shower and he wore a green polo shirt with cargo pants and running sneakers.

I was in such a crazed mental state that I simply followed his suggestion, grabbing everything I saw that was mine, throwing it all onto the back of my computer chair.

Ryan finally walked back into the room.

              “Alright, I just called the cleaning crew. I’m paying extra for them to come now instead of tomorrow. You’re welcome, by the way.”

I charged towards him, ready to knock him out, but Brian grabbed my wrist, pulling me back, shaking his head at me.

              “He’s not worth it.”

I took a d
eep breath and realized that he was right. I decided to move on to the important things.

             
“It’s time to divvy up the apartment,” I said.

             
Ryan sighed. “Whatever. Let’s get it over with.”

I walked out to the living room and began with the big ticket items.

              “The couch and T.V.”

             
“The couch will have to stay with me because it’s what I’m sleeping on, and I’ll take the T.V.”

             
“I’m not sleeping in that bed. There are semen stains on it, Ryan. I’ll never get in that bed again.”

             
“Fine, I guess I’m taking the bedroom,” he sighed and I nodded. I would never, ever sleep in that bed again. “The T.V. I’ll take,” he said.

             
I raised my brow. “If you want the television, you can pay me my half for it. Seven hundred and fifty dollars.”

             
“Really?” he asked, annoyed.

             
“Really. Seven hundred and fifty dollars is my half of what I paid for it.  I’ll take a chainsaw to it, cutting it in half before I let you walk away with it and not get anything in return.”

             
“Fine. I’ll get you the money tonight. What about the Playstation?” he asked.

             
“It’s mine,” I replied darkly. Ryan knew he had no claim to it, so he shrugged, surrendering it. I saw Brian glance at me sideways and he knew why I fought for it. He bought it for me as an apartment warming gift when I just moved in with Ryan, since it was a gaming console and DVD player in one. There was no way I would let it fall into that cheater’s hands. I didn’t care that I no longer have a television to play it on. It was the principle of the matter.

             
We went through everything in the apartment in the same vicious manner, me being spiteful to the very end. Brian stayed the whole time, not commenting, just silently at my side. I was thankful he stayed because if he left, I’m sure I would have choked Ryan to death.

With everything sorted out, it was time for the rules.

              “Rule number one,” I said after getting out a piece of paper and magic marker.  “You cannot have more than one friend at the apartment at a time.”

             
“What about you?” he snapped.

             
“Same rule applies to me,” I told him before writing it down. “Rule number two, we are not to touch or mess with each other’s things.” I began writing down: Respect each other’s belongings and privacy.

             
“I want a rule,” Ryan said and I turned towards him just waiting to hear what came out of his mouth. He pointed towards Brian. “He can’t come here anymore.”

I looked at Brian whose glare was positively murderous as he stared at Ryan. Ah, but now I had a bargaining chip.

              “If I agree to that, you can’t have another girl over here again.”

             
Ryan blinked, his glare turning from Brian to me, then back again. “Whatever then.”

             
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “You’ll have to try English. Is that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’?” Frowning, Ryan shook his head. Brian still looked like he wanted to kill Ryan.

             
“Alright,” I said, “On to food. We’re going to buy our own from now on. I will not be cooking for you anymore. Half the fridge is yours, the other half mine. I will label everything with tape and my name on it. Also the rent is twenty-two hundred a month. You will pay your full eleven hundred a month, not your nine hundred.”

I could feel Brian’s gaze staring at me, disbelieving what I allowed Ryan to get away with.

              “What? I plead seven month long insanity.” Brian rolled his eyes at me in response.

             
“Anything else?” Ryan asked, irritated.

             
“I think that’s it for now,” I replied, placing the rules on the refrigerator underneath a magnet that says: Sarcasm- Because beating people is illegal.

I packed more of my things into crates. I now have a DVD player, but not T.V. and Ryan now has a T.V. with cable, but nothing else. I decided to set fire to whatever games Ryan bought for the system that Brian didn’t like.

              With our hands full, Brian and I walked out of my apartment and down towards his. He didn’t speak; he could tell by the way I walked that I was far too furious for words. He had always been great in that sense, knowing when to push and when to back off. I was too angry for words. I felt so violated watching people trash my home, rifling through my stuff, and Ryan allowing it.

             
When we finally moved mostly everything into Brian’s closet, I finally let myself collapse, sliding down against the wall to the ground. My head was in my hands because it’s only here with Brian that I could break. He sat down on the ground, and I could feel his hand on my arm.

             
“Annie,” he said, his voice warm and concerned.

I looked up, met his gaze, and blurt
ed out what happened and what I saw right before he arrived at my apartment.

             
He listened to everything, didn’t say a word, and when I finished, I said, “I need to go get tested. I need to make sure he hasn’t given me something.” I felt so ashamed about my thoughts, pining over that bastard, for wanting to hold on to him.

             
I felt his fingertips stroke my cheek. “Welcome back, Annie. I’ve missed you.”

I sighed, my head thudding against the wall behind me.

              “Stay here with me.” His request came out low, husky.

             
“I can’t afford to pay you half the rent here and the rent on my place,” I said.

             
“Don’t worry about the money, Annie,” he said.

             
“Yeah, but you’re a good looking, single guy. I’ll be cramping your style. What if you go out on a date and want to bring the girl back here? She’s not going to be cool with me lounging on your couch. She won’t believe that you’re just a great guy trying to do a friend a favor.”

             
“Annie, don’t worry about other girls,” he said.

             
“Don’t be ridiculous. You know me living here will just ruin things for you. It could ruin our friendship…I don’t want that. I’ll be fine at the apartment.” I moved to stand up, but he placed his hand on my cheek and stared into my eyes.

             
“I can’t lose you, Brian. What it felt like losing Ryan…It would be a million times worse if I lost you,” I whispered. “I just can’t do it.”

             
His eyes softened. “Stay with me here. You won’t lose me.” I shook my head, turning to walk away. “Stop being scared,” he said.

The anger coursed through me at his words as though I was being weak, as though I was the one lying on my bed, slipping away and he was the one trying to save me.
As if he were the one who still occasionally had nightmares about that night. As if he was the one terrified that the next time I wouldn’t be enough to save him.

             
My eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

             
“Don’t be scared…of this, of us.” His eyes were warm, but I wanted to throw something at him.

             
“Yes, I’m scared of this. Of us. Because I am terrified that one day I’ll wake up to find you lying dead beside me. That one day I won’t be quick enough or fast enough to save you. That you’ll leave me again. I’m afraid that the guilt I felt after the first suicide attempt will pale in comparison to the next time. That I’ll be left a shattered mess incapable of being healed if I fail, and the only question that I’ll want to ask you is…” Tears streamed down my eyes as the pain and anguish I tried so hard to squash down rose violently in my heart. “‘Why wasn’t I enough to keep you alive?’”

I had never seen a man’s heart break before. But, as I stood there watching Brian, the anguish in his eyes told me that was exactly what was happening.

              “And do you want to know something else?” I spat. His eyes told me that he did and didn’t want to know at the same time. I didn’t wait for his answer. “I have loved you and hated you in equal measure for the last two years. I hate what you put me through. I hate that I sat there while your mom cried hysterically on my shoulder as they pumped your stomach, and we prayed that they could save you. I hate how helpless you made me feel.” I took a shaky breath. “But, most of all, I hate how much Ryan has let me down. My hate made it easy to always keep you at arm’s length and allowed me to put my faith in him. He was proof that we belonged together and you were supposed to remain my best friend. But, he just keeps screwing up! Mistake after mistake. I can’t hide behind my denial anymore! I can’t pretend he’s worth my love now! So, now what am I supposed to do!” I turned to leave, but five steps towards the door turned and asked, “Did you even think about me, or your parents, or your friends, or every life that you have ever touched and affected before you tried to rip yourself out of our hearts? Did you think about us for a moment?”

             
I watched a single tear escape his eyes as it ran down his cheek, and I had never hated myself more than I did at that moment.  Everything that I said was the truth, and I meant every word, but he never needed to hear it, and I felt wrong for telling him, especially after two years. His suicide attempt was something we never talked about. After it was over, I focused all of my energy on helping him get better.

I walked out the door, down the hall, and out the building. It is an uncomfortable feeling to truly be disgusted with
yourself.  But, as I walked back to my house I wasn’t a big fan of myself.

              Walking up the hallway stairs, I mentally prepared for what I’d find when I walked inside. To my surprise, I found a cleaning crew working. Ryan walked out of the bedroom, still half-dressed.

             
“Hey, Annie,” he said in a friendly tone. “Why don’t you look around and if there’s anything the cleaning crew missed or you want them to do, let them know.”

I blinked, completely shocked by the turn around in behavior. This was more like the sweet guy who I fell in love with. He looked into my eyes searching.
For what I didn’t know.

             
“Did you have fun this weekend?”

             
“I bought a new comforter and some  lingerie. I have dates this week,” I answered immediately. “Didn’t get to go to church, though.”

             
“Hmm.” He contemplated my words for a moment. “Who are you going out with?”

             
“Max on Thursday, George on Friday, and Ben on Saturday,” I replied casually. “I also have Bernard trying to set something up with me,” I threw in for good measure.

             
“Wow, look at you. They’re already lining up,” he said with bitterness in his voice.

             
I shrugged. “Nothing wrong with having fun.” 
Die, you scumbag
.

             
“Glad to hear that you’re having a good time. So, I told you that I’d give you the afternoon in the apartment. After they’re done, I’ll leave too.”

Thoroughly confused, I walked off, inspecting the apartment, m
aking a few requests.

             
When they were finished, I turned to Ryan and said, “Why don’t we see if there is a way to get me out of this lease?”

             
He blinked, surprised by my words. “We still have five months left.”

             
“I’m aware. But, you said you wanted me out of the apartment anyways, remember? You could afford it on your own.” I sighed, looking him in the eyes. “I think that’s a good idea.”

             
His sudden calm behavior and good mood slipped. “Where are you going to go?”

             
I shook my head. “That’s not your business. We are not together anymore. Once we have no more financial obligations together, Ryan, I’ll never speak to you again.”

             
“What?” he asked, shocked. “Just because we didn’t work out as a couple, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

             
I shook my head. “I don’t want to keep an ex-boyfriend around in my life. It might mess up a future relationship. I can’t have that.”

I turned to walk into the room, and he grabbed my arm.

              “You don’t mean this.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Listen, you’re pissed right now. I get that. But, you and I have been through a lot together, and I love you. I don’t want to lose you completely.”

I ripped my arm from his grasp and crossed my arms.

              Calmly, I replied, “If that was the case, you should have been a man and come to me. You should have said you were unhappy and that it wasn’t working for you anymore. If you had done that, maybe we could still be friends. But, now…” I shook my head. “No.” He opened his mouth to argue back. “You destroyed my home Ryan. I spent months trying to make this place feel like a home for us.” Stupid tears started to spill. “I know you never really had a home growing up. I wanted this to be a place that you wanted to come home to every day. I know that I did.” He seemed taken aback, touched and confused by my words. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anymore.” I turned towards the filing cabinet in the corner of the room and rifled through our joint papers, taking out the apartment contract.  “I’ll find a way for me to leave.”

             
“No.” His eyes were hard. “We made an agreement. We’re going to honor it.”

             
I chuckled mirthlessly. “Hearing the word ‘honor’ come out of your mouth is hysterical after what I just witnessed this past weekend.”  I stepped around him, and walked out the door with purse in hand.

**

              There was only one man in New York that I knew who understood the legal document in my hand. I just really didn’t want to deal with him today, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

As I walked down the sidewalk, I took my cell phone out and spoke:
Call Ben.

             
His number dialed and after several rings, a groggy voice answered, “Hello.”

             
“Hey, Ben, I need to ask your father for a favor,” I replied while walking down the street.

             
“You alright?” Suddenly he sounded more animated, his voice worried.

             
“I just got into a huge fight with Brian, I nearly attacked Ryan, my apartment was trashed, I’ve moved nearly everything out of my place to Brian’s…It’s a big mess.” My voice sounded strained as the tears flowed. Seriously, how did I have any tears left after this weekend?

             
“So, you’ve been a busy girl in the last few hours,” he said unfazed by what I said.

             
I couldn’t help but laugh despite the tears. “You could say that.”

             
He took a deep breath, letting out the air. “Let’s meet up and I want you to tell me the whole story. I want to hear everything. Then I’ll see if my dad can help you.”

             
I heard a female voice in the background say, “Babeeeee, you’re gonna leave? But…” She huffed. “You promised me four orgasms today, and I’ve only had two so far…”

             
“I’m sorry, but my friend needs me. You’ll have to take a raincheck,” Ben told the girl.

She made squeals of protest, and I rolled my eyes at the phone.

              I heard the sound of lips smacking together, then I heard her shout, “I better hear from you this week!”

             
“Sure, baby, sure,” Ben replied in a placating gesture as I heard the sound of a door click closed. “Sorry about that,” he told me. I could hear the sound of his lighter flickering followed by a deep inhale.

             
“You didn’t have to leave your afternoon activity for me. It could have waited,” I replied sarcastically.

             
“Naa.” He sounded bored. “I was just killin’ time anyways.”

             
“Well, that’s nice of you. I’m sure Miss Whoever would be thrilled to know that you thought of her as a way to waste time.”

             
He snorted. “She didn’t mind as her eyes rolled back inside her head. And thanks to you, I am yet again blue balling.”

             
“I said we didn’t have to meet now,” I insisted, feeling embarrassed and guilty.

             
“Eh, it’s alright,” He replied. “you will forever be my muse and my tease.”

             
“I am not a tease,” I insisted, not liking the insinuation that I play with men’s hearts.

             
But, he laughed loudly. “Princess, you are a tease with a capital ‘T’. There is no way around that as you walk around not quite a virgin, yet still fucking pure by New York standards. You don’t ask for men to respect you, you demand it. And you know what? That’s exactly why you get it.”

             
I rolled my eyes as I stepped onto the train platform. “Whatever. I’m in a bitchy mood, and I don’t want to fight with you.”

             
“So, meet me at Umi’s on Twenty-Second. And you better hurry up, or I’ll eat without you. I know how much you hate eating alone.”

             
“Damn you!” I growled in frustration. “Alright, I’m on my way.”

**

              Twenty-five minutes later found me sitting at an outside table at Umi’s Chinese restaurant with Ben as I twirled around the ice in my cup of soda using the straw. Now that I was here, I didn’t know how to begin.

Ben pulled a cigarette out of his pack sitting on the table and pressed it to his lips. A waitress came over, touching his shoulder.

              “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t smoke in public anymore.”

He rolled his eyes, putting the cigarette back into the pack before glancing up at me.

              “I’m getting older just sitting here, Princess.”

             
I shot him a pointed glare. “No, you’re getting older from those cancer sticks you puff.” He was right, though. I was stalling. “Alright, so here’s what happened.”

I began at the beginning and explained everything that happened from the moment he left the lingerie store the day before.  He listened to everything I had to say as we chatted for hours with that analytical look about him. Whenever someone told something to Ben, it was if he heard something different from the rest of the world. I had always been a little confused about that. He only stopped me a few times to ask questions.

              “So, why did you flip shit that they were screwing on the afghan? What’s its significance?”

             
“It’s an heirloom,” I explained. “Passed to the women in my mother’s family. When the women wore it, it signified that she was a maiden ready to marry. When the woman married, she put it away for safe keeping for her daughter. It also was believed to be blessed, that a holy man my great-great-great- grandmother saved from dying blessed it and every woman in her line. On my grandmother’s death bed, she told my mother to give it to me.” I sniffled, trying to hold back tears. “She told me she hoped that I wouldn’t need it for long. That I would find my husband soon.” I shrugged. “It’s one of the only things left I have of my grandmother. She was an amazing woman- a total firecracker. Everything else had to be sold off to pay for my grandpa’s medical bills. He had a long run with cancer. By the time he died, my grandmother was practically penniless; she had sold everything to try and save him. He was just too old, though. His body, I don’t think, wanted to fight anymore. My grandma moved in with us when he was gone, and I lost her five years later.”

             
His head tilted sideways, watching me for a moment. “A firecracker, huh? I have a feeling all of the women in your family are fire spitters. I think it just runs in your blood.” I smiled, but couldn’t help the slight tinge of pink on my cheeks.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t meet her,” he said thoughtfully. “She sounds like she was a hell of a woman. And I bet she had stories.”

             
“She was incredible that’s for sure. When she died,” I shook my head. “I felt like the world had dimmed a little with her light now gone.” He nodded in understanding, and encouraged me to continue on with the story.

By the end of the tale and two sweet and sour soups later, Ben seemed to be forming his ideas.

              Finally, he said, “Give me your apartment contract. I’ll take care of it.”

             
I took the paper out of my pocketbook and handed it over. “You sure?” He nodded in agreement.

             
“And just for the record, there is no amount of money that I wouldn’t have paid to see you literally twist Ryan’s balls.”

             
I shook my head. “I just lost it. If Brian hadn’t been there, I don’t know what would have happened.”

             
“So, what about tonight?” he asked.

             
I shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.”

             
He threw me a dirty look. “No. We figure it out together now.”

             
I sighed. “Alright, dad.”

             
He looked amused. “I am definitely not your father.” He leaned over the table. “But, if you want to call me daddy while I spank you, I’m alright with that.”

             
I glared at him openly. “Are you ever going to give up?”

             
“Sure,” he replied, “When you tell me to stop, or when you give in.” He shrugged. “Whichever one comes first.”

“Ben…” I apparently needed to address this now.
“You and I.” I shook my head, trying to collect my thoughts as a ball of nervous energy settled in the pit of my stomach.  I had never tried to nicely reject someone before, especially not a close friend. “Your friendship is too important to me to lose you over. I love talking to you, and seeing situations from your wildly different perspective. I respect you, and it drives me absolutely crazy when anyone badmouths your family, because they just don’t know you like I do, but… “

             
He cut me off. “George told me about his meddling and your conversation with him in the store,” Ben replied calmly. He hid whatever emotions he felt well.

             
“I figured that,” I admitted, “But, I also thought you deserved to hear it from me and not George.”

My words caught him off guard as he did a double take on my face. The waitress came by, placing down a plate of dumplings. Ben nodded, thanking the woman as she walked away. He said nothing, and I waited quietly to see what he would do or say.