Winning Back Ryan (26 page)

             
“I have issues! You know this! I have issues with my body and my inexperience. We went over all of this when I thought you were just ‘Brian, my friend’.” I struggled in vain to pull my hand out of his grip.

Brian looked furious and sad at the same time.

              “What has he done to you?” he asked.           

             
“I don’t know.” It was the most honest answer that I could come up with. I questioned who had done more damage- Did I mess Ryan up worse with my latent feelings for Brian or was I more messed up from everything he had done to me?  “Did we ruin our relationships with our friendship?” I asked and Brian didn’t struggle to pull out from underneath me.

             
“I think so,” he answered honestly. He now clasped my other hand in his.

             
“Was I an issue between you and Amber?” I asked, now realizing that I was lying on top of him, our faces inches apart.

             
He nodded. “You were a big fight we always had because I wouldn’t end our friendship.”

              “There’s no going back, is there?”  I whispered. Brian shook his head.

             
“Annie, what is there to go back to? It’s the same as it was before. The only difference now is that the truth is out. This was bound to happen. No guy will be secure dating a woman who has a straight male best friend. This will always be a problem.” I had already started to ponder this. It was why I want to be better friends with Max- gay men must be an exception to the rule.

             
“It’s really the end then,” I murmured.  I wanted to cry hysterically, feeling like I had just lost five incredible years. 

             
“It doesn’t have to be the end of anything,” he said quietly. He flipped me, staring into my eyes. “You’re not ready for this.”

             
He deserved honesty. “I think my behavior the last couple of days are testament to that. I need to heal; I need to figure out who I am and what I need. When I have that all figured out, then I can figure out what
you
need.  You deserve all of me at my best, not just the unbroken pieces at my worst.”

             
I saw resignation in his eyes. He frowned, but he knew I told the truth. I just called a female friend of ours horrendously nasty names because she was in Brian’s apartment. I was totally out of line, not to mention I had no idea if she’d forgive me.

             
My voice dropped low as I admitted, “I want you, though.” His eyes lingered on my lips before finally meeting my gaze. “I don’t know how long this will take.  I’ve never had my heart broken. I can’t expect or ask you to wait for me while I get my act together. Just know that I want you.” I silently plead for him to not parade women that he would sleep with under my nose. It was clear my limits weren’t high anymore for what I could handle seeing.

Brian stood up, his eyes roaming from my face down to my toes.

              “If you’re sleeping over, I’ll give you some clothes to wear. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, because you look too damn good to resist.”

I smiled nervously as he started walking towards his closet, turning around and taking one more peek. 
              After handing me navy blue sweatpants and a t-shirt, I asked, “So, if I’m wearing this tonight, why can’t you sleep in the bed?”

             
“Because…” I raised my brow, waiting. “Because I’m still pissed at you even though I’m turned on right now. I’m pissed at myself for being turned on by you. I mean…you just jumped me in my doorway. That is the hottest thing that I have ever seen…even if you weren’t wearing….” He gestured towards my lingerie. “All of that. Then you act violently jealous of Amanda.” He glanced up at the ceiling, biting his lower lip hard. “I nearly came from that alone.”

             
“Really? That turned you on showing up in lingerie?” I asked.

             
Laughing, he nodded. “You have
no
idea. I will be thinking about that moment for years to come.”

             
I beamed at his words. “I insist on taking your couch,” I said. He shook his head. I threw myself onto his sofa, lingerie still on, sweat pants in hand. “I’m not moving.”

             
“I’ll make you move,” he said before picking me up. Our faces were close, our lips inches apart. I let out a ragged breath as we stared at each other. I watched the green in his eyes morph from hard rocks to liquid pools. After some time he said, “I suppose we can both sleep in the bed tonight.” I smiled back widely as he carried me into his room.

             
Under the covers, we lay there, but not touching. Brian stared at me, his face unreadable.  I finally felt my eyes flutter closed as I drifted off. I felt skin pressing against my forehead, and I realized that he kissed me.

             
“I’ve waited over four long years to hear you say that you want me. I guess I can wait a little longer for you,” I heard him whisper.

I pretended that I was sleeping as I felt his body turn towards me, his nose resting against my cheek. A few minutes later, I fell asleep.

**

             
“Alright, I cheated,” I said in between pants up against the lamp post at five thirty in the morning. “I had a caramel lite iced coffee yesterday, but it was a large. I did feel bad, though, so I walked around everywhere. I walked though, didn’t jog. My heels were way too high for running.”

             
“Well, you’ll have to make up for it today then,” he said. I frowned, not liking whatever he had in mind. As though reading my mind, he said, “You’ll see.”

             
An hour later I collapsed on Brian’s couch and my everything ached. I was fairly certain Brian added a little extra to the workout as punishment for the night before. All I knew was that the pain I felt wasn’t the nice kind of aching you feel after a night of sex. This was the ‘I feel like I’m gonna break apart I’m hurting so much’ kind of ache. And what was I rewarded with? Brian’s green shake. Oh joy of joys.

I grimaced, trying to swallow it quickly, as he watched me amused. “What are you laughing at?” I asked him.

              “I’m just wondering. You changed into the clothes you had here this morning.” I nodded. “Did you change your underwear or are you still wearing those pink lacy ones from last night?”

             
“Who says I’m wearing any underwear?” His eyes fluttered closed as a groan escaped his lips. “You started. Next time be sure you’re ready for the answer.”
In actuality, I had on a pair of those boring, white, cotton ones. I jogged for God’s sake. Cotton is very breathable. Only men would imagine a woman running in lace and think it was practical.

             
“By the way, if you knew I had clothes here why did you give me your jogging pants and shirt last night?” I asked.

              He smiled mischievously. “Just wanted to see you in my clothes.”

             
“Naughty boy,” I said, placing my glass in the dishwasher. I turned back towards him.

             
“Bye, Bri.” I had to get home and get ready for work.

             
“So, you have your date with George tonight,” he said ignoring my goodbye.
Shit.
I had completely forgotten about that.

             
“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied, frowning. I really didn’t want to attend the comedy club.  I could use some humor in my life, though.  I saw the silent question in Brian’s eyes. “Nothing will happen,” I told him. “Just two friends hanging out.”

             
He sighed. “It’s your life, Annie. You do what you want.” I knew what he was trying to do, trying to tell me that he knew that he couldn’t control me. The best I could do was try to reassure him.               “Nothing will happen. It’s George we’re talking about,” I repeated, kissing his cheek.  ”I have to get ready for work.”

He stepped back, allowing me to walk out. I paused at the door, turning towards him.

              “By the way, I hope you don’t mind that I left the lingerie in your closet. Thought I’d tell you in case you had a girl come over. Wouldn’t want her to find it and think that you’re cheating on someone.” I realized that my behavior was childish, marking my territory like a dog with feminine lingerie, but I didn’t want anyone else in his bed, even if I couldn’t expect Brian not to be with other women. 

             
He smiled widely. “Thanks for letting me know.” I winked before leaving.

**

              After showering my lower half (my hair couldn’t get wet yet), I found a drunk Ryan in the kitchen with a bottle in hand. “Nice flowers,” he said to me, pointing to the vase on our dining room table.

             
“Max gave them to me.”

             
“So, I heard. You had a night with him it would seem.” I ignored his comment, walking into the bedroom to take dress clothes out of the closet. I was surprised to find Ryan up this early in the morning. My guess was that he still hadn’t gone to sleep from the night before. “Was he as good as me?” I heard Ryan asked me from the doorway.

             
“We’re not having this conversation. I’m still pissed at you for showing up at Brian’s house. You need to get your act together, Ryan, because I’m not going to take care of you anymore.”

             
I took the clothes off the hanger, moving towards the bathroom to change. Ryan stood there, reeking of alcohol. It seemed like he was sweating ale. He was, of course, dressed in his newest fashion, low slung shorts, no shirt. I could tell despite all of the alcohol he had been drinking that he had been hitting the gym hard lately. I forced myself not to think about how he felt and tasted when I ran my tongue over those muscles. “When are you going to stop playing games, Anne?”

             
“What are you talking about?” I made sure my voice sounded as annoyed as I felt.

             
“You didn’t sleep with Max.” I raised my brow, glaring defiantly. He chuckled in response. “Max is gay. I figured that out the first few times of meeting him.”

             
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I snapped. I would deny to the end.

             
“So, unless you stooped so low to fuck a gay man, then it never happened.” He smirked.

             
“Excuse me,” I said as he stood in the doorway refusing to let me pass. 

             
His face turned somber. “So, you’re gonna sleep with whomever now?”

I stared at him, disbelieving the scene in front of me.

              “Yeah, I’m going to sleep with whomever I want. We’re over.”

He charged past me, opening the dresser drawer.

              “So, they all get to see this?” He shouted, fisting my new lingerie in his hands.

             
“You’ve been going through my drawers?” I couldn’t believe his audacity.

             
“They get this and I got sweatpants! Does that seem fair?” he shouted.

             
“You’re right,” I said my voice dripping with sarcasm. “You’re the victim, Ryan. I don’t really understand why you’d want to see me in skimpy outfits because according to you, I’m fat.” I turned around, walking out of the room into the bathroom to change.

             
“You know I just said that to anger you. You know I love you. I was hurting so I said things to hurt you,” Ryan shouted from the other side of the door. I dressed, brushed my teeth, applied make-up, and walked out to find him standing there.

             
“Ryan, it’s over,” I said to him before walking to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water.  He stood right behind me when I turned to leave the apartment. “Go to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

He picked up the vase of flowers.

              “So, I’m going to endure this? Flowers men have given to you cluttering up our home?”

             
“This isn’t a home! It’s an apartment! It hasn’t been our home since you allowed fifty fucking strangers to do whatever they wanted in it! As far as us,” I grabbed the vase out of his hand. His mother had given it to me as a present. I threw it against the wall smashing it into pieces.
“That’s an apt metaphor for us. We’re broken, done. Get over it.” I turned for the door, leaving him standing there as I left for the train station.

**

              While at work, George canceled his date with me because he needed to do some research on a new company about to hit the market, and according to him, he was about to make me some more money. I sent Amanda a bouquet of flowers to her office as an apology. Amanda loved being the center of attention, so I knew she’d love having everyone talk about the flowers.  Since I still didn’t know what to do with my extra time at lunch break, I called my parents, opting to talk to my father, since he’d understand when I said I had to get off the phone, I meant it.