Wisdom Seeds (36 page)

He was leaning on the passenger side of the car with his hand on the window. I don't remember shifting into park, or getting out of the car. Josh hadn't cried when Jason died, or when my dad died. He had tried so hard to be strong for me and now it was my turn to be strong for him.

“It's okay,” I said as I held my son and let him cry. “I know it hurts.”

Josh attempted to speak. His words were marred by
grief and I couldn't understand what he was saying. Holding him reassured me that he didn't hate me. If I had magical powers I would have transferred his grief to me by osmosis. I couldn't, so I just held him.

Sheila and the girls joined us and we all hugged and cried. Then the woman in the black hat came and stood behind Josh.

“Joshua,” she said with a deep southern accent. “Is this your mama?”

Josh shook his head and I looked up to see her face beneath the veil.

“I'm Danielle Singleton.” I extended my hand to shake hers.

She held my hand tightly and I noticed the tears falling beneath the black netting. “All I can say is I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry, but I would ask you not to. Today is sad enough by itself and I would hope that tomorrow we could all start over with the new day. I was hoping you would join the family for dinner so we could talk.”

Although Mrs. Henderson appeared to be sincere, I declined. Josh needed me. I scribbled my home phone number on the back of the funeral program and gave it to her. “Please call me when you can,” I said giving her a hug. Josh hugged her, too, and thanked her. I hugged Sheila and the girls and told them I would see them back at the hotel.

After everyone returned to their cars, Josh got in the car with me. His eyes were blood red. “Mom, how come you didn't tell me?”

I exhaled slowly. “Sometimes when you don't know what to do, you do the wrong thing and you think it's the right thing.”

Josh didn't respond.

“I was young and gullible when I met Greg, I mean
Sylvester. I thought he loved me and wanted to marry me. When he dumped me after I got pregnant I was devastated. I didn't know what I was going to do, or what I was going to tell you. Then Jason came along. It was much easier to say he was your father so that's what I did.”

“I read the letter you sent me.” He responded, still looking at his lap. “You both should have told me when I was old enough to understand.”

“I'm sorry Josh. You're right, we should have told you. Jason wanted to tell you when you were ten. I begged him not to. It's really my fault.”

“Did my father ever want to see me?”

“He never called.”

“Would you have let him see me?”

“I don't know Josh.” I answered honestly. “I guess I would have.”

We rode in silence to the hotel.

Josh and I were up at seven to have breakfast before going to the airport. His plane was leaving at ten forty-five and I was getting on the road after I took him to the airport. I called Sheila to let her know I was leaving and to thank her. Whatever she said to Josh got through to him when I couldn't.

“So now what?” Josh asked as he checked his bag at the curb. “What do I do with my feelings?”

“I wish I had the answers Josh. I don't. But I am very sorry I created this mess.”

We took our time walking through the airport. Josh's plane wasn't leaving for another hour.

“I don't even know what to say to Syd,” he said breaking the silence.

“Did you get a chance to talk before the funeral?”

“No, not really. She was crying the whole time.”

“How do you feel about her?”

“She's like my best friend, I think I love her. I told her everything about me.”

I bit my lip refusing to cry, again.

“I guess it's okay to love my sister.” Josh faked a smile.

We found two seats by the window in the waiting area.

“Josh.” I took his hand. “We're going to need to talk to someone.”

“You mean like a counselor?”

“Yeah,” I squeezed his hand. “I'll look for a family therapist. Maybe we can get two or three sessions in while you're home for Christmas.”

He pulled his ticket from his jacket pocket. “Syd should probably come, too.”

“I'll talk to Sheila about that tomorrow.”

As we waited for his plane to begin boarding, I studied my child's face. His eyebrows meeting, his jaw tight, and the sighing – he had all of Jason's mannerisms.

He hugged me before boarding the plane. “I love you Mom.”

“I love you, too!”

When he got to the door, he turned and said, “I'm not mad,” and he smiled. Then he blew me a kiss.

While driving back to Pittsburgh it was easy to admit that my need to make things look ‘right' defined me. After my brothers disappointed my parents, I tried to be the perfect daughter. Noah messed up in school, so I did my best to be honor student. Joey never participated in church like my dad wanted him to, so I did. Everyone thought I had the perfect
family, so I went along with the façade. The most important thing was making other people proud of me and perpetrating the image of perfection. My needs were secondary. My inability to face the fact that I messed up led to this secret, and I realized that a skeleton had dictated my entire adult life. I hurt a lot of people. “God,” I sighed out loud. “Please help everyone I've hurt forgive me.”

I stopped in Breezewood just as I had done countless times before.

There were four messages from Andrea and I called her before taking my coat off.

“What's up?” I asked trying to hide the exhaustion in my voice. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, girl, I'm calling to check on you. I thought you would have been back hours ago.”

“I waited at the airport with Josh.”

“How is he?”

“I'm not sure the shock of it all has settled. Please tell Harvey to ask the Salvation Soldiers to pray for him.”

I declined Andrea's dinner invitation and promised to meet her at church on Sunday. Then I called Sheila and left a message for her to call me when she got home. I was worried about Syd and wanted to make sure she was okay. I also wanted to see how she felt about all of us going to some type of therapy over the Christmas break.

Josh decided to spend Thanksgiving in North Carolina with Alicia's family. A part of me wanted to demand that he come home – a bigger part of me respected his wishes and acknowledged his efforts to grow up. He assured me that he wasn't angry and that he just wanted to get his head together.

Although Josh wanted me to, I didn't have the answers. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what
was going to happen. For the first time I was okay with not having control and not feeling the need to fix everything. There was nothing I could do to change the situation and I was content to wait on God to work things out.

I called the Singleton's to let them know Josh and I would not be coming for Thanksgiving.

Andrea was having Thanksgiving with Harvey's family and Sheila and the girls were having Thanksgiving with Doug's family. Joey invited me to join them in Virginia so I could see their new house. I took a rain check because I couldn't remember the last time I had spent time with myself.

I started Thanksgiving Day thanking God. This thing called life had not been easy. It took me through twists and turns and had left multiple scars and bruises, but I was still standing. In spite of all the obstacles, I was still here. “Thank you Lord,” I said out loud, “thank you for everything. Thank you for keeping me sane when I thought I was losing my mind. Thank you for caring about me when I didn't even like myself. Thank you for giving me Grandma Ida, Jason and Josh and family and friends. Thank you for putting people in my life who love me.” The tears dutifully made tracks down my face. These were not sad tears, they were happy tears and thankful tears. I felt free. The secret was no longer in control.

“When God sets you free, you're really free,” I could hear Nana saying. The wisdom seeds she planted were finally beginning to bloom. The weeds were finally being eradicated.

It was a brisk Saturday morning and only a few orange and yellow leaves were clinging to the branches of the trees on Sonny Street. Most of the leaves were now lining the street or piled in my yard. I took a deep breath and
blew the air so I could see it. It felt good to be alive.

The Women's Ministry was having a potluck breakfast before our Book Club meeting and I baked a dozen carrot muffins using Nana's recipe. I had known for a month that we would be discussing The Princess Within but I had put off reading it. I hadn't felt much like a princess; she had gotten lost somewhere along the way and was just now ready to make a come back. Even if my life didn't have a fairy tale ending, even if the prince never came on the white horse and I didn't get to live in the castle - I was going to be okay.

We met in the Fellowship Hall and everyone shared their Thanksgiving stories: the turkey that didn't cook in the middle, the cake that fell, the burnt pies, the sticky rice and the potato salad made with potatoes and mayonnaise. We laughed and gathered together at one table so we could share testimonies while we ate.

Jennifer opened the group with prayer and Michelle blessed us with Still I Rise. When the applause stopped, I was still standing and all eyes were on me. I stood amongst my sisters scanning their faces – Francis had just celebrated her fifty-ninth birthday and her eleventh year as a Christian after years of alcoholism, drug addiction and prostitution. Gloria's age was only given away by the crow's feet at her eyes and she wore her joy like an aura even though she had buried her husband of thirty-five years less than a month ago. Andrea had planned to have at least four kids but was unable to conceive after having Corey. She continually praised God for giving her one miracle. Grace put her twins up for adoption when she was nineteen and at thirty-one was still not married. She remained confident that God would bless her with a family. During the height of her drug addiction, Michelle let a drug dealer have sex with her twelve-year-old daughter. Mikki committed suicide when she was sixteen. Theresa lost her son, her only child, because he was in the
wrong place at the wrong time and bullets have no eyes. Paula had a reputation as a husband stealer and then she fell in love with Mitchell. Fourteen years into the marriage, she found out he had three kids by a girlfriend he'd been seeing since they were married. Ava lived with the secret of being molested by her maternal uncle for thirty years. She never told because he was her mother's favorite brother. And Sheila, the best friend God blessed me with, was seated to my left.

We were all scarred from battle, but victorious. The devil was a liar and had been defeated. Satan could not have our joy or our souls. God had given us each other, on this day, that we might praise Him for His keeping power and His many blessings. One by one, over the past year, the masks had come off. Everyone had stripped the skeleton of its power, stood face to face with reality, and took a stand against the deep dark secrets that had tormented them for years. Everyone except me and now it was my turn.

I focused my attention on the lamb so beautifully stained in the Fellowship Hall window and asked God to help me get through my testimony without crying.

“I have lived with a skeleton.” I began slowly, wrenching my hands out of nervous habit. “The skeleton came out of the closet and hurt people that I love and care about very much. I had an affair with a married man after I graduated from college. I didn't know the difference between love and lust. I thought he really loved me. He proved that he didn't when I got pregnant with Josh. He left me. My pregnancy shamed my family. When I married Jason, he adopted Josh. I put my shame in the closet thinking no one would ever know Jason wasn't Josh's biological father. Even though he begged me to tell Josh the truth, I refused. The secret was my way of making it right.”

My body shivered and I crossed my arms in an effort
to hold myself.

“A few weeks ago, Josh's father showed up. The world is so small and Josh's father was Sheila's ex-husband. I have hurt my son, my best friend and her children. My secret let my son fall in love with his sister.”

Hard as I was trying to finish my legs would no longer hold me. Sheila grabbed my hand as I was sinking to the floor. Then I felt the warm hands of my sisters. I could hear the hum of their prayers. My body felt light, like it would have floated away if they weren't holding me. I was free. No more weights, no more lies, no more secrets.

Later that evening I sat down and wrote everyone – my mom, Denise, Elaine, the Singleton's, Maureen, Adrienne and Rhonda. Now that I was free, I felt obligated to let everyone in my love circle know the whole truth. Different people had different pieces – it was now important that the puzzle be completed for everyone. For the ones that had prayed, Jesus had answered. For the ones that still didn't know Him, they needed to know that it was Jesus who made all the difference. Later that evening I watched The Color Purple. In the end, Celie was victorious, too.