Witch Is When the Penny Dropped (10 page)

Somehow, I doubted that.

Chapter 14

“No way!” I protested. “Not happening!”

“Come on, Jill,” Pearl said, only just managing to keep a straight face. “It took us ages to find it.”

“Yeah, come on, Jill,” Amber said. “Don’t be a spoilsport.”

“How come you get to dress up as a mermaid, and Pearl gets to dress up as a princess, but I have to dress up as a custard cream?”

“You love custard creams.”

“I love to eat them. That doesn’t mean I want to walk down the street dressed as one.”

“If that’s what you’re worried about, it’s okay. Alan will give you a lift to the hall.”

“I like your costume.” Grandma cackled. Trust her to appear. “I don’t know what you’re complaining about.”

“Don’t forget,” Pearl said. “There’s a cruise for two for the winner.”

“If you win, Jill, you can take me.” Grandma was enjoying this much too much for my liking.

“That costume is too small, anyway,” I complained. “Look at it! I’ll never squeeze into that.”

I did. With much pushing, pulling and prodding, the twins somehow managed to get me into it. They then collapsed in a heap, and laughed uncontrollably.

“That isn’t helping.” I could just about move my arms and legs. The only way I could see was through a small slot cut into the front.

“Let’s have a photo of the three of you together.” Aunt Lucy and Lester had arrived to see us off.

Amber, the mermaid, stood on my left. Pearl, the princess, stood on my right.

“Say custard cream,” Aunt Lucy said.

Everyone laughed—except me.

In retrospect, getting changed before we set off wasn’t such a great idea. Getting a quart into a pint pot may be difficult, but trust me—getting a Jill-sized custard cream into the front seat of Alan’s sports car was way more problematic.

“If you put one leg on the dashboard, and the other on the floor, it might work,” Amber said, in between fits of giggles.

“No, she needs to put both arms in the air, and one leg on the seat,” Pearl added helpfully.

Somehow, and I couldn’t say exactly how because it’s still a blur, I managed to squeeze into the car. Getting out again on our arrival at the civic hall was only marginally less problematic. But eventually, there we stood—the three of us: the princess, the mermaid and the custard cream. There was only one saving grace, and that was the fact that no-one could tell it was me inside the costume.

“Ladies!” someone shouted. “Photo for the Candle.”

The Candle had the largest circulation of all the newspapers in Candlefield.

I thought about making a run for it—yeah right—I could barely walk let alone run.

The photographer took three or four shots. “That’s great. Can I get your names?”

“No, no,” I said, but my voice was muffled by the costume.

“Sure,” Pearl said. “I’m Pearl.”

“And I’m Amber.”

“We own Cuppy C—the cake shop and tea room. Will you put that in the article?”

“Yeah sure,” he lied. “What about the biscuit costume? Who’s in there?”

“Don’t tell him!” I said to no avail.

“That’s our cousin, Jill. She’s the one who found the Candlefield Cup.”

“The P.I?”

“Yeah. That’s her. Jill Gooder.”

Thanks girls.

I wasn’t sure if all fancy dress parties in Candlefield attracted such a good turnout, or if the prospect of winning a cruise had brought people out in large numbers.

There were all the costumes which you’d expect to find at a similar event in the human world. Everyone seemed to be having a great time except for those who, like me, had made the mistake of choosing a costume which made eating, drinking or going to the loo practically impossible. I spent most of the evening standing next to a man-size battery and a man-size box of matches. Although we couldn’t actually hold a conversation, we shared a mutual empathy for each other’s predicament.

“This is great, isn’t it Jill?” Amber shouted. The twins had spent most of the evening strutting their stuff on the dance floor. Every now and then one of them would come over to let me know they hadn’t forgotten me.

“Great,” I said.

“Have you seen those two?”

I guessed she was pointing to someone, but I couldn’t see her hand.

“There!” She spun me around so I was facing the right direction.

There on the edge of the dance floor was a couple wearing the salt and pepper pot costumes that Aunt Lucy had tried to persuade the twins to hire.

“Do they look stupid or what?”

I assumed it was a rhetorical question, but I was hardly in a position to poke fun at anyone.

“Yeah, what do they look like?” Pearl had joined us. “Do you want to dance, Jill?”

“Yeah.” Amber squealed. “Come and dance with us!”

They each grabbed one of my hands—this was going to be a disaster.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” A voice came over the loudspeakers. “It’s time to announce tonight’s winners.”

To my relief the music stopped and the dance floor cleared.

“Third place and winner of a spa weekend is—” Drum roll. “The Comedy Vampire!”

There was only a smattering of applause. I guessed that irony didn’t play well among this audience.

“In second place and winner of a hot air balloon experience is—” Drum roll. “Queen of the snakes.”

This was a more popular choice. The young witch was dressed as some kind of snake woman with a crown comprised of gold and silver snakes.

“Typical Melinda!” Amber said.

“Same every year,” Pearl complained.

I sensed the girls knew the second place winner, and that there was some history between them.

“And so we come to tonight’s winner who will receive the magnificent prize of a cruise for two.” Even longer drum roll.

“This is it!” Pearl said.

“That cruise is ours!” Amber gushed.

“The winner is—the salt and pepper pots!”

“What?” Amber cried.

“No!” Pearl shook her head in disbelief.

As the condiments made their way to the stage to great applause, I couldn’t help but grin. As always, the twins were magnanimous in defeat.

“The whole thing is rigged,” Pearl said.

“Someone has taken a bribe.” Amber agreed.

Fortunately for me, they couldn’t hear me laughing.

Salt and pepper were now on the stage. The MC waited until the applause had subsided before making the presentation of the cruise tickets. The condiments then unzipped the top of their costumes revealing their identities.

“What?” Amber screamed. “I don’t believe it!”

There on stage, receiving the cruise tickets, and wearing the costumes that the twins had declined, were Miles and Mindy—proprietors of Best Cakes.

***

Would I ever be able to face a custard cream again after that scarring experience?

Of course I would—in fact I’d just finished my third of the morning. Who says it isn’t a healthy breakfast? Experts? Pah—what do they know?

I was considering whether or not to have a fourth when my phone rang. It was Daze—I’d left a message on her voicemail before I went to the fancy dress competition.

“Jill? You left a message to call you.”

“Thanks. It’s rather noisy your end.”

“I’ve got nine of them today. Oscar is rather excitable.”

“Oscar?”

“The Yorkie. He makes more noise than the other eight put together. What can I do for you?”

“This is a long shot, but I may have found your werewolf.”

“Really? Where?”

“Like I said, I can’t be sure, but someone moved in next door to my sister. It’s a man living by himself. According to Kathy, he makes a lot of weird noises.”

“That sounds like every man I’ve ever met.”

“True, but she described the noises as a kind of howling, and it was much worse the other night—on the full moon.”

“It’s still a long shot.”

“I know. I thought I’d go over there and take a look for myself, but I wanted to prime you so you can bag him and take him back to Candlefield.”

“When are you thinking of checking him out?”

“Tonight, if that works for you.”

“Wait until after dark.”

“Okay. Stand by your phone, and I’ll let you know either way.”

“Will do. Oscar, leave Sandy alone. Got to go Jill, Oscar is giving the Pomeranian grief.”

***

Before going into the office, I paid a visit to the apartment block where Gina Peel had been murdered. As it turned out I didn’t need to resort to magic to get into the building—some kind soul held the door open for me when he saw me approaching. Some people are way too trusting.

The apartment in question was on the first floor. It was easy to spot because it still had police tape across the door. I was considering how best to magic myself inside when the door behind me opened.

“Can I help you?” A middle-aged man wearing matching tartan pyjamas and slippers stood in the doorway.

“Morning.” I conjured up my charmingest smile. What? Of course it’s a word.

“Morning,” he said. I could tell I hadn’t won him over yet.

“I’m Jill Gooder. I’m a private investigator.”

“Really? How jolly exciting.”

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Looked like this was a home run.

“Mr?”

“Marlow. March Marlow.”

“March? That’s an unusual name.”

“Isn’t it? Momsy thought it would be fun to name me after the month I was born in. Good thing it wasn’t a leap year, otherwise I’d have been called February.” He laughed. I wondered how many times he’d cracked that same joke.

“Right. Well, Mr Marlow—”

“Call me March. Everyone does.”

“Well, March. I’m investigating the murder at the apartment across the way.”

“Terrible business.”

“Indeed. Did you see anything unusual that day?”

“Wasn’t here. I was rowing and getting very drunk. Not at the same time of course.”

“Of course. Did you know the victim?”

“First time I saw her was the photo in the Trumpet.”

“Bugle?”

“That’s the one.”

“Who normally lives there?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. Never seen anyone go in the place since I moved in eighteen months ago. Except the cleaner, of course. Must be the cushiest cleaning job ever.”

“How often does the cleaner come?”

“Couldn’t say for sure. About once a month, I think.”

“I don’t suppose you know the name of the cleaner?”

“Sorry, not a clue. I did see the sign on the side of her car one day though, ‘Spick and Span’.” He yawned. “I was about to make some porridge. Would you care to join me?”

“Thanks, March, but I’d better be going.”

“Toodle-oo, then.”

“Toodle-oo.” What? I can do posh.

Chapter 15

I waited until dark before driving to Kathy’s. I didn’t want her to see me, so I left the car a couple of streets away. There were lights blazing in every window at her house, but next door was in total darkness. I sneaked up next door’s path, keeping as close as I could to the privet hedge which formed the boundary between the two properties.

Although Kathy and Peter had complained about the amount of noise their neighbour had been making, the house was now completely silent. I started by going around the back. The curtains weren’t drawn, so I could see into the two ground floor rooms at the rear of the property—there was no obvious sign of life. Either the occupant was out, or he was in the house with no illumination whatsoever.

As I began to make my way back along the side of the house, I heard a knocking sound. I froze. There was silence, and then the same knocking sound again. I glanced over the hedge, and there at the first floor window of Kathy’s house was a little face—Lizzie’s. Our eyes met, and she waved.

Oh bum! How was I supposed to explain this to Kathy?

Lizzie had disappeared, and it didn’t take a genius to guess what she was doing. I crouched down behind the hedge through which I could just about see the window. Moments later, Lizzie reappeared with Kathy beside her. Lizzie was pointing in my general direction, and Kathy was shaking her head. My legs were starting to cramp, but I daren’t stand up until they’d gone. Eventually they disappeared from the window—thank goodness. I stood up just as Lizzie reappeared. She pointed, and I could see she was shouting something. When she disappeared again, I guessed she’d be dragging Kathy outside to prove to her that I really was there.

Time to make myself invisible. I did it just as the door opened.

“Why would Auntie Jill be next door?” Kathy sounded disgruntled.

“I
did
see her Mummy. She’s hiding behind the hedge. Maybe she’s playing hide and seek?”

“It’s cold out here.” Kathy complained. Their voices were getting closer.

“Can I come?” Mikey shouted from the doorway.

“No. You stay there. Now, where did you think you saw her?”

“Over there.”

The two of them were standing exactly opposite me now—we were separated only by the width of the hedge.

“She was there, Mummy.”

Kathy peered over. She was staring directly at me, but I was hidden by the ‘invisible’ spell.

“There’s no one here. You must have imagined it.”

“I saw her Mummy. I did, honestly.”

“Well, she isn’t here now. Come on let’s get back inside. It’s freezing.”

“But Mummy, I saw her.”

I heard Lizzie protesting all the way back to the house. Once again I had demonstrated my ability to be the world’s most horrible auntie.

***

I’d satisfied myself there was no one home at the neighbour’s house, so I decided to give it another hour or two to see if the occupant returned. For once, good fortune decided to shine on me. A blue Volvo pulled into the drive after only twenty minutes.

From my vantage point behind a large bush near the front of the house, I could hear two voices: a man and a woman. In the dark, I could only make out their outlines, but it was enough to see that the man was at least six-five and built like a tank. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the woman was doing a lot of giggling.

As soon as they were inside the house, I rushed around to the back. The man led the woman into the living room. They kissed passionately, and then the man poured them both a drink. I felt like a peeping tom.

After only a few minutes, the man appeared to excuse himself, and walked through to the adjoining room. The woman poured herself another drink, and took a seat on the sofa. This was all beginning to look very innocent. I probably should get out of there.

Whoa! I stopped dead in my tracks. The man had begun to transform in front of my eyes! Meanwhile, the woman was enjoying a glass of wine—totally oblivious to the creature in the next room. Then her expression changed to one of horror, and she dropped the glass. The creature, teeth bared, had stepped into the living room, and had his eyes fixed on his victim. She screamed.

I cast the ‘lightning bolt’ spell which smashed the glass in the patio door. Even then, the woman could not tear her gaze away from the werewolf standing in front of her. The creature had no such problem—it had me in his sights and was already moving towards me. Whoops! This wasn’t good. I cast the ‘tie-up’ spell and the rope wound around its legs. I was taking no chances, so I repeated it twice more. I figured that three lots of rope should do the trick. It rolled around the floor, struggling to free itself. If the look in its eyes was anything to go by, it wanted me dead.

The woman was paralysed with fear, which was probably just as well for the time being. I put in the call, and moments later Daze and Blaze appeared—resplendent in their catsuits.

“Nice job, Jill,” Daze said.

“Is this your guy?” I gestured to the bound figure.

“It certainly is. You’ve been a bad boy, haven’t you Callum?”

Daze did her usual thing with the wire mesh net, and the three of them disappeared—back to Candlefield where Callum would no doubt be behind bars for some time.

I managed to lead the woman back to my car, and drive her to the address I found in her purse. Once there, I let us both into her flat using the key which was in her bag.

“Look at me!” I said.

She was slowly coming around.

“Look at me!”

When she did, I cast the ‘forget’ spell.

She looked around—obviously unsure how she’d ended up back at her flat.

“Who are you?” she said.

“I was in the bar. You asked me to help you get home, don’t you remember?”

She shook her head.

“One too many shots I think.”

“Right. Thanks.”

“No problem. Take care. Goodnight.”

I had no doubt the woman would struggle to make sense of the evening. How had she got home? Who was I? There’d be lots of questions, but hopefully none of them would involve a werewolf.

***

I was still half asleep the next morning when Kathy rang.

“What’s wrong?” I said.

“Nothing, why?”

“You never call at this hour.”

“Look, this might sound like a daft question, but were you at our next door neighbour’s house last night?”

“No. Why would I be?”

“Lizzie swears blind she saw you hiding behind the hedge.”

“Maybe she was having a nightmare?”

“She was wide awake.”

“It’s probably all those horrible beanie monsters you’ve made for her. They’re beginning to affect her mind.”

“Are you sure you weren’t there? You do get up to some weird stuff.”

“I think I’d know if I was there. If you must know I was looking through my Vinyl collection.”

“When you say looking through them, do you mean cataloguing them?”

“I’ve told you before. It’s much easier to find one if they’re in alphabetical order. Anyway, is Lizzie all right?”

“Yeah—she’s fine. In fact she’s here now. You can have a word with her.”

Before I could say no, Lizzie was on the line.

“Auntie Jill?”

“Hi, Lizzie.”

“Why were you hiding behind the bushes, Auntie Jill?”

I couldn’t lie to my niece. It would be a terrible thing to do. I had to come clean.

“I wasn’t. I was here at home.” What? So I’m a terrible person—shoot me.

“But I saw you.”

“Maybe you imagined it. When I was your age, I used to imagine I had a giant hamster as a friend.”

“Yes, but that’s because you were weird. Mummy told me.”

“Did she?” Thanks, Kathy.

“Come on Lizzie. You have to get ready for school.” Kathy had grabbed the phone. “Got to go, Jill.”

“I wasn’t weird when I was a kid.”

“Course you weren’t. You and your imaginary friend, Mr Pouches, weren’t weird at all. See ya.”

***

I called in at the Washbridge office of Love Spell.

“Morning, Nathaniel.”

“It’s Daniel.”

“Oh? I thought you were based in Candlefield?”

“The girls like us to swap around, so we’re familiar with both offices. Are they expecting you?”

“No. I thought I’d call in, on the off chance. I was hoping to go through your computer records. Do you think that would be okay?”

“Hilary and Milly are out at the moment, but I guess I could call Tilly or Lily to see if it’s okay.”

He did, and it was.

Daniel set me up in Hilary’s office and gave me her login details. He also gave me a cup of tea and a custard cream—but only one. Seriously, I knew business was bad, but who can manage with a single custard cream? Still, I had an idea. I finished the biscuit in two bites. What? It was a particularly small one. Then I used the ‘take it back’ spell and ate it again. It was every bit as delicious the second time. And the third. And the—only kidding. How greedy do you think I am?

The girls kept comprehensive records. There were full details of all their clients: witches and humans. I could see how many dates they’d been on, and which of them had resulted in a successful match. There was one other piece of information included in each date, and that’s what caught my eye.

Before I left, I asked Daniel if he’d tell Hilary or Milly that I wanted them to set me up with another date as soon as possible. I wanted to test my theory.

“Just one thing,” I said. “Tell them to set me up with a man who they think is my worst possible match.”

He looked understandably confused.

“Tell them to find the polar opposite to a match, and arrange a date with him.”

“Okay. If you say so.”

***

I was in Cuppy C, enjoying porridge (a new line for them) and a coffee. The twins, who’d been busy when I arrived, came to join me.

“Porridge okay?” Amber asked.

“It is, but it’s missing a little something.” I scratched my chin. “I know what it is. It needs a little salt or maybe even pepper.” I laughed.

“Very funny,” Pearl said. “You’re hilarious.”

“We really wanted to win that cruise.” Amber pouted.

“It’s your own fault. You should have listened to your mum. She told you to go as condiments.”

“Don’t rub it in. It’s bad enough that we missed out. But for them—” She pointed across the road towards Best Cakes. “For
them
to have won, makes it even worse.”

“Sort of rubs
salt
in the wound,” I managed to say before dissolving into laughter.

The twins sat stony-faced. My humour was obviously wasted on them.

“Anyway,” Amber said. “There’s another competition, and William and me are bound to win that.”

“In your dreams.” Pearl countered. “Alan and me will wipe the floor with you.”

“Yeah right. You don’t stand a chance.”

“What’s this competition?” I said.

“The Perfect Couple.” Amber pointed to the notice board. “Take a look.”

I did. It was a format I was familiar with. Couples competed together. One partner was taken away while the other answered questions about them. The first partner then returned and was asked the same questions. The competition was designed to find out how well the couples knew one another.

“So, are you both going to enter?”

“William and me already have. So there’s no point in her bothering.”

“For your information, Alan and I already have our names down.”

“You should come and watch, Jill.”

Just try stopping me.