Witchy Tales: A Wicked Witches of the Midwest Fairy Tale (5 page)

“I can only think of the one where the princess is supposed to kiss the frog,” I said. I turned my attention back to Thistle. “Maybe you’re supposed to kiss the frog.”

“Over my dead body,” Thistle snapped. “I already had to ride a turtle. I am not kissing a frog. That’s just … gross.”

“I think that’s why you’re wearing the dress,” I said. “You’re the princess.”

“Well, I’m not going to do it,” Thistle said. “You do it.”

“I’m not wearing the dress.”

“We can trade clothes.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” I said.

“Besides, this is your fairy tale,” Landon said. “Bay woke up with the bears because that was her fairy tale. I woke up with the creepy mermaid because that was my fairy tale. This is still your fairy tale.”

“Well, I’m not finishing it then,” Thistle said. “I’d rather walk ten miles in this dress than kiss a frog. I’m just not going to do it.”

“Then let’s get going,” Landon said. “There’s no reason for us to hang around here any longer.”

The frog croaked again, and this time the sound was almost pitiful.

“I’m sorry,” Landon said. “It doesn’t look like you’re going to get any action today, my friend. I think you hung your legs on the wrong princess. This one is a little grumpy.”

Another croak.

“Let’s go,” Thistle said. “Which way?”

Landon looked to me for an answer. I pressed my eyes shut again, concentrating. “That way.” I pointed.

“How can you know?” Thistle asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. This is how we found you, though.”

Thistle shrugged. “Okay. Let’s see what new horror we find. I have a feeling this is going to be the longest night ever.”

I couldn’t help but agree, and that was disconcerting.

If you’re going to risk disfigurement by lying, the moral of the story is to make sure it’s a good lie and it’s worth it. If you’re going to look like a freak for the rest of your life, you’d better get something really good out of the situation – like money, or a convertible or a snowplow.

–
Aunt Tillie’s Wonderful World of Stories to Make Little Girls Shut Up

“How long do you think we’re going to be stuck here?” Thistle asked.

We walked along the pathway, our eyes busy as we looked for the next fairy tale catastrophe. Thistle’s pink dress made odd crinkling noises as she moved. It was starting to grate, but no one wanted to comment on it. We were already in a precarious situation; adding a fight to the mix wasn’t going to do anyone any good.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It depends on whether this is a timed curse or whether we have to actually work our way through the entire world to get out.”

“It’s like a video game,” Landon said.

“What’s like a video game?”

“This … all of it,” he said, gesturing animatedly. “We keep finding new tasks to accomplish. We can’t win unless we finish all the tasks. We can’t leave until we win. It’s a video game.”

“Do you think we’re earning points?” Thistle asked.

Landon shrugged. “I don’t know. Does Aunt Tillie play a lot of video games?”

“Just
Candy Crush
and
Bubble Witch Saga
,” I said. “She likes the first one because she likes candy and she likes the second one because … .”

“She’s a witch,” Landon finished. “I get it.”

“No, she likes the second one because she likes to fire at things and knock them down,” I said. “She doesn’t like the witch in it. She doesn’t think it looks realistic.”

Landon snorted. “She never ceases to amaze me.”

“I thought you said that about me?”

“You, too.” Landon shifted his attention to Thistle. “Are you worried Marcus is here somewhere?”

“I don’t know,” Thistle said. “I can see why she cursed you in here with us. You were trying to stop her. You had the power to stop her. Marcus always helps her. She might not have cursed him. She really likes him.”

“I can see that,” I said. “I definitely think Clove is in here, though.”

“Me, too,” Thistle said. “That means she’s on her own somewhere.”

“What fairy tale do you think she’s in?”

“I have no idea,” Thistle said. “I … do you hear that?”

“What?”

“There’s something in the bushes.”

We stopped moving, but even as she shifted only her shoulders Thistle’s dress made noise.

“Thistle, stop moving,” Landon ordered.

“I’m looking to see where the noise is coming from,” Thistle argued.

“The noise is coming from that ugly dress,” Landon said. “Stand still.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“I’m going to tie you to a tree and leave you here if you don’t shut up and stop moving,” Landon shot back.

“You don’t have any rope.”

“This is a magic world,” he said. “Maybe one will drop from the sky.”

That brought up an interesting idea. “It’s a magic world,” I muttered, my mind busy.

“That’s what I just said,” Landon said, nonplussed.

“No, it’s a magic world,” I said. “We have magic. Do you think it works here?”

“That’s a good question,” Thistle said. “Let’s see.” She glanced around, the dress crinkling again. Every time the dress made a sound, Landon cringed as if someone raked their fingernails across a chalkboard.

Thistle focused on a nearby bush and squinted, focusing on it. She muttered a quick spell under her breath and … nothing. She tried again and got the same result.

“Our magic doesn’t work,” Thistle said.

“What did you try to do?”

“I tried to set the bush on fire.”

“That seems like a great idea when we’re trapped in a forest we can’t get out of,” Landon said. “Let’s set it on fire and really make things uncomfortable.”

“No one needs your sarcasm,” Thistle said.

“I think it’s completely appropriate,” Landon replied.

I stepped between them, holding up my hands to earn a temporary reprieve from the sound of their voices. “Can we please not fight? This is bad enough without everyone fighting.”

“I’m not the one picking a fight,” Landon said.

“You’ve done nothing but snipe at me for the last half hour,” Thistle countered. “It’s not my fault you’re here. In fact, if you want to get down to it, it’s your fault we’re here.”

Uh-oh.

“My fault?” Landon arched an eyebrow. “My fault?”

“You were the one who told her you were going to confiscate her wine,” Thistle said.

“I told her that selling it without a license was illegal,” Landon said. “It is illegal. Your mothers were the ones really going after her this time.”

“That’s a good point,” I said. “Not that I want them here – and I really don’t because if we’re fighting already we’re going to kill one another if our mothers are added to this mix – but it was Mom, Marnie and Twila who were really going after her this time.”

“Actually, it was just Winnie,” Thistle said. “My mom is wishy-washy, and Marnie didn’t look as if she really cared. It was as if she was trying to stay loyal to Winnie more than anything else.”

“Hey, if I have to put up with my mother in this fairy tale world you should have to put up with yours, too,” I grumbled.

“If I know Aunt Tillie, she split us up,” Thistle said. “She probably cursed the three of us … and Landon … to this world and our mothers to another. She’d be running a big risk to let us all spend too much time together with nothing better to do than plot against her.”

She had a point. “I think the first thing we have to do is find Clove,” I said. “She’s probably freaking out.”

“I agree,” Thistle said. “I … seriously, can’t you hear that?” She turned swiftly and focused on the bushes to our left. “There’s something in there.”

“Are you sure?” Landon asked.

“No, I’m making it up because I want to mess with you. Of course I’m sure.”

Landon scorched Thistle with a harsh look. “I have this incredible urge to gag you.”

“Right back at you.”

Landon slipped around me and cautiously approached the bushes. He gave the bushes as wide a berth as he dared, and I didn’t miss his hand going to the spot on his waist where his gun usually rested only to find it absent. He was feeling vulnerable, I reminded myself. He didn’t mean to be crabby, but he was so far out of his element he was having trouble wrapping his head around what was happening.

“All right, come out of there,” Landon said.

This time not only could we hear the rustling in the bushes we could see the branches moving.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Is it a monster?” Thistle asked.

“It’s not a clown, is it?” I asked.

Landon shot me a quelling look. “I’m not sure … .”

“It’s me!”

We all took a step back when a dark figure jumped out of the bushes, hands raised above its head. It took us only a second to recognize the new player.

“Sam?”

“Last time I checked,” Sam said. “Of course, I don’t really recognize this … outfit.”

“Join the club,” Thistle said, tilting her head to the side to study Sam’s tiny shorts, white shirt and odd vest. I’d never seen him wear a hat before, so the yellow one with the red feather on top of his head was … distracting. “Who are you supposed to be?”

I had a feeling I knew. “At least he’s not wooden,” I said. “That would be … uncomfortable … to deal with.”

“Wooden?” Thistle wrinkled her nose. “Oh. You’re Pinocchio. That’s interesting. I wonder why you got shoved in that fairy tale.”

“Fairy tale?” Sam asked, confused. “Is that what’s going on?”

“What did you think was happening?” I asked.

“I had no idea,” Sam said. “All I know is I went to bed with Clove next to me and woke up in a really weird place.”

“Where?” Landon asked.

“Is that really important?” Sam asked. “If I tell you, you’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“Just to catch you up, you should know that I woke up with talking bears, Thistle was trapped on a rock and had to ride a turtle to get to safety and Landon … well … he had a sexually suggestive mermaid try to show him her seashell,” I said.

Sam’s eyes widened as his gaze darted between us. “Is that true?”

“Unfortunately,” Landon said. “She was also tone deaf and swore like a trucker.”

“That’s still better than what happened to me,” Sam said.

“I had to ride a turtle,” Thistle said. “Look at my dress.”

“At least your legs are covered,” Sam said. “I look like I’m about to take my clothes off in an all-male burlesque show.”

“Only if they’re in to some really kinky stuff,” I said. “Tell us what happened. I promise we won’t laugh.”

“Fine,” Sam said, glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was listening. I had no idea who he thought he was saving face for; we were all in the same boat. “When I first woke up, I was in a … store or something.”

“A store?”

“I had strings attached to my arms and I was on display in the storefront,” Sam said.

“You weren’t wooden, though, right?”

Sam shook his head. “I thought I was dreaming.”

“We all thought we were dreaming,” Landon said. “Go on.”

“After a minute or so I managed to get down, and when I looked around the store I found this creepy old guy watching me,” Sam said. “He had white hair, and he was wearing those really thick magnifying glasses because he was working on some craft project.”

“Did he talk to you?” I asked.

“He said he’d been hoping for a son for a long time, but I wasn’t what he had in mind,” Sam said. “I am not going into the details about how weird he was. Suffice it to say that I don’t think he wanted a child because he was dying to become a father.”

“Gross,” Thistle said, making a face. “That is so wrong.”

Something about this story tugged on a long-forgotten memory, but I couldn’t quite clear my mind enough to grasp it.

“I kind of … bashed him over the head with a lamp and when I raced for the door I was accosted by a … bug,” Sam said. “It talked.”

“Was it a cricket?” Thistle asked.

“I guess,” Sam conceded. “It kept saying weird things about being brave and true. I wasn’t really in a listening mood – and I couldn’t find a flyswatter. I bolted from the store. I was expecting to find a town, but it was just the one store in the middle of nowhere. There was nothing else around.

“I heard the guy coming to in the store so I ran into the woods,” he continued. “I hid there for as long as I could. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t following me, and then I just started walking.”

“How long have you been awake?” Landon asked.

“A few hours,” Sam said. “I’m not sure. It’s not as if I have a way to keep track of time.”

“How did you find us?” Thistle asked.

“It was by accident really,” Sam said. “I just kept moving in the same direction – or what I hoped was the same direction – and then I heard voices. I hid in the bush at first because I wasn’t sure what to expect.”

“I don’t blame you,” Landon said. “There’s no shame in it. This place is one freak show after another. I would have hidden, too.”

“You didn’t hide when I saw you,” I said. “You came straight toward me.”

“That was after I recognized you,” Landon said. “I hung back in the trees for a minute or two until I was sure it was you. I wasn’t a one-hundred percent sure until you saw me and started running.”

“Were you running from the bears?” Sam asked.

“Actually, other than being bears, they weren’t that bad,” I said. “The teenage one was a mouthy pain, but he was still pretty normal.”

“Except they were talking bears,” Sam said.

“They were. They said I came into their house the night before and tried out all of their beds until I found one that was just right.”

“You’re Goldilocks.”

“Maybe,” I said.

“She was the heroine in that story,” Sam said.

“I don’t think we’re only one thing here,” I said. “I think we’re working our way through stories, but just because we’ve solved one story doesn’t mean we won’t have to face another. Aunt Tillie wouldn’t make it that easy.”

“Did she curse our dreams?” Sam asked.

Thistle and I exchanged a look. “We’re not quite sure what this is yet,” Thistle said. “We’ve never really dabbled in dream magic. We don’t think Aunt Tillie would do that.”

“I wasn’t under the impression that she had many boundaries,” Sam said.

“She doesn’t,” Thistle said. “The rules she believes in, though, she sticks to. She’s never messed with dream magic before. I don’t think she would start now.”

“This is all because she didn’t want Landon to confiscate her wine, right? No offense, but why are we all here? Shouldn’t she be punishing only Landon?”

“Thanks, man,” Landon said, irritated. “I’m glad we’re all on the same side here.”

I put my hand on his arm to calm him. “Landon … .”

Landon ran his tongue over his teeth, clearly trying to tamp down his temper. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just … this is all so unbelievable. I can’t believe this is happening. I kind of wish I’d hidden in a bush as you did. I could have sat it out until this was all over with.”