With Me (5 page)

Joseph’s somber face is staring back at me. “I don’t know what to say to you, Kasey. I’m so angry right now, but at the same time, I’m more hurt and confused than anything else. In my head I keep repeating what you said earlier, without being able to understand a word of it. What do you mean you were forced to leave, when I was told that you chose to leave? It’s as if you were trying to punish me by not telling me I had a daughter, or that you were even pregnant. Was that your intention the whole time?”

“You think that I
chose
to keep her from you?”

“What other explanation can there be, Kasey? I came back after boot camp and you were already gone.
I came back looking for you
. Your parents told me you left for college out of state. So the way I see it, you had already made your decision by leaving. You made the decision to keep her from me,” he says, his voice laced with anger.

Just as mad, I take a deep breath to try to calm myself before I respond. “
I didn’t
choose
to leave, Joseph. My parents forced me to when they found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have a choice,” I tell him, my mind going back to the awful memory of when my parents confronted me.

It happened one night as I came home from work. That day I had worked a double shift when someone had called in sick. I didn’t want to at first, but I wanted the extra money, so I stayed. Later regretting it as the day grew and I began to feel sicker.

“Kasey, your father and I would like to speak to you,” I hear my mother say as I walk into the house from work.

Quickly closing my eyes, I take a deep breath to help fight off the nauseating feeling that has been following me around all day. I don’t know what is going on with me lately. I think I might be getting sick, or have the same flu as the other girl at work, because I feel like throwing up again.

Walking in the direction of the kitchen, I see my father walk in from the back porch. Both of my parents look angry. The panic inside of me rising as I walk my way towards them. Did they find out I had Joseph over the weekend they were gone?

Apprehensively, I take a seat in one of the chairs at our dining room table, my father taking a seat across from me. My mother stops her pacing before she begins speaking.

“Young lady, is there something you’d like to tell us?” she asks, the infuriation in her tone further worrying me as she stares into my eyes, waiting for my answer; an answer I can’t give her. I shake my head at her, still trying to fight off the nausea that is rising in the pit of my stomach.

Rapidly walking straight up to me, she slaps me on the face. “Don’t lie to me!” she shouts.

Bringing my hand up to my stinging face, I look over at my father and his face is expressionless. “Look at me,” my mother growls, as she tightly grasps my chin in her hand forcing me to look at her.

“Tell us who the father is!” she shouts down at me, making me wince both from the pain of her gasp and tone she’s using.

I’m confused and full of fear now as I sit there, my face still burning. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I frightfully say to her, which is the truth.

She shoves my face away. “You can’t pull off that innocent act anymore, Kasey. You thought we wouldn’t notice you being pregnant? All you’ve been doing is throwing up every morning, sleeping at all hours of the day, and when you aren’t throwing up, you’re eating everything in sight. I’ve noticed you haven’t had your period recently. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”

Taking in her last sentence, I realize she’s right. I haven’t had my period, but I’ve neglected to notice because of how sick I’ve been feeling. It never occurred to me that I could be pregnant.

“So I’m going to ask you again. Who. Is. The. Father?” she growls.

I don’t know what to say. I’m too scared to tell her anything in fear of the consequence.

“I don’t know,” I rapidly whisper to her, swallowing the pit of fear from her reaction.

I see her hand come at me, and I don’t fight her as she slaps me again. “You slut!”

“That’s enough, Caroline,” my father demands, his voice low, but stern. “Kasey, we’ve decided to send you to my sister’s farm up in Wisconsin. We’ve already bought you a bus ticket. That is, unless the father of the baby takes responsibility for you and takes you in. But regardless, you’re not staying under this roof. We don’t condone sinners is this house. So, we’ll give you one last chance to speak up about who the father is,” he grimly discloses.

I close my eyes and wonder whether I should speak up about Joseph being the father. Even if I did tell them, would they believe me? He isn’t here anymore to stand by my side as I tell them. What am I supposed to do? I sit there silent for a couple of seconds, finally shaking my head to answer. The guilt drops to the pit of my stomach knowing that I am lying to them.

“Then it’s done. You’re going up north with your aunt. Remember that this is your mistake, Kasey, so you now have to live with the consequences.”

Joseph’s voice jolts me from my memory. “Why didn’t you go to my parents for help?”

“I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was too scared of what they’d think of me, or that they wouldn’t believe me,” I reply, remembering my thoughts from just moments ago. “I didn’t know I was pregnant, but my mother noticed right away. She knew before I did, because I was so sick all the time and all I wanted to do was sleep when I wasn’t working.”

His brow furrows as he asks, “You said you tried writing to me, when?”

“Several times, actually. The first letter I left in your parent’s mailbox the night before I was scheduled to leave, hoping they’d get it to you somehow. I didn’t leave any details, only that I was moving up here to Wisconsin with my aunt. Then again when I was seven months pregnant, knowing you’d be done with boot camp, hoping it would get to you in time before I delivered. I waited everyday, up until the day I delivered for you to show up, but you never came. The last time I wrote to you was right after Josephina was born. To notify you about Josephina, but it came back a couple months later stamped:
return to sender
. I pretty much gave up after that.”

I didn’t cry the day my parents confronted me. I couldn’t. The fear had taken over. It wasn’t until the day I received the returned letter that the tears came. Until then I had stayed strong, waiting for him to rescue me, waiting for my knight in shining armor. Instead, that day I learned Joseph was never coming for us, and there was nothing I could do but move forward with my baby.

I don’t know if it’s the pain of remembering everything, or knowing that Joseph never knew. Regardless, it’s all caught up to me, and the tears are uncontrollably falling down my face. They keep coming like a broken dam.

Desperately needing them to stop, I quickly wipe them away, not wanting Joseph to see my weakness, but it’s too late. He stands up from the bench and engulfs me in his arms. I hate that I look weak in front of him. I never wanted him to see me this way, but now that I’m back in his arms, I can’t help but feel loved and secure. They remind me of the only night we were together. Even then I knew it wasn’t love, but I still wished it had been.

“Why didn’t you try calling my parents house, asking where I was?” I hear his deep voice rumble into my ear that is pressed against his chest.

Sniffling up the tears in order to answer him, I respond a little broken up, “I couldn’t, we didn’t have a phone where I lived. It’s why I tried writing to you.”

I hear him sigh, his chest taking in a deep breath as he holds me.

“I came back for you after boot camp. I thought about you every day during those three months, Kasey. The day I got back, I came looking for you, but you were already gone. I believed your parents when they told me you had changed your mind and went to a college out of state. I was pissed you had left, but I thought that it was probably for the best. A couple of months later, when my parents passed away, I briefly came home. But you were still gone. I haven’t been back since then. I should’ve tried harder to look for you, but I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. It’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life,” he explains, his sorrowful words making me continue to sniffle.

“I’m sorry about your parents, Joseph,” I mumble, not knowing what else to say.

I hear a piercing scream from the jungle gym and I recognize it immediately as Josephina’s. Shoving Joseph away, I start running towards the playground without hesitation, needing to get to her. When I reach her, she is on the ground gripping her knee. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, matching the ones I just had.

Bending down, I look at her knee and see she’s scraped it pretty badly. I know she doesn’t usually cry unless it’s something serious. Wiping her hair away from her forehead, I give her a kiss. “I think it’s time we head home, sweetheart. I think we’ve both had enough of the park today,” I tell her, knowing it’s best we both leave now.

As I’m about to scoop her up in my arms, I feel Joseph next to me. “Let me,” he says already reaching down to do it for me. As he cradles her up against his body, I take in how tiny she looks next to him. He stands there, waiting for me to move. Snapping into action, I stand up and lead them towards my car.

Josephina’s cries have now turned to a sniffle, her tiny arms wrapped around Joseph’s neck holding onto him. Every couple of steps I quickly glance at them and see him looking down at Josephina, returning the smile that is on her face. The sight warms my heart, knowing she’s enjoying being held by Joseph. It's as if she knows it's her dad holding her.

When we finally reach my SUV, I open Josephina’s door so Joseph can place her inside. The entire time, he’s telling her everything is going to be fine in a calming voice. He buckles her in and when he pulls back, I see her face looks worried, almost panicked.

She keeps her eyes focused on Joseph. “You’re not coming home with us?” she asks him. She’s desperately looking at me with her begging blue eyes, twisting at my heart. As much as I try to be stern with her, it’s near impossible to deny her request when she looks at me that way.

Joseph stares at me with the same look. It’s at that moment I realize he’s where she’s gotten it from; they look so alike with their matching expression. Hating to feel like the evil villain of the day, I’m forced to ask him, “Would you like to come over for dinner?” hoping I don’t regret my decision if he refuses, but he doesn’t, when he answers, “If you don’t mind, I would love to come over.”

Josephina starts clapping, cheerfully squealing, and obviously happy that he’s agreed. With Joseph climbing into the passenger seat, I climb into the driver’s side and make my way to my house. Actually it’s not really a house; it’s more like a small sized warehouse. I started renting it a couple of years ago, needing a workspace for my business. I pull up into my driveway and out of the corner of my eye, I can see Joseph peering through the windshield looking at the building. His face doesn’t conceal his disappointment.

“You live here?” he asks, sounding shocked and curious.

The look on his face angers me. He’s making me resent inviting him over at all. “Yes, I live here. It’s not a house, but I needed space for my studio, so this worked out great. The rent is really cheap, but what really matters is that I’m able to put a roof over our heads,” I sternly inform him, ignoring the anguished look on his face as I begin to climb out of my car.

I’m already unbuckling a sleeping Josephina from her booster seat when Joseph is quickly at my side. “She’s completely out. Here, let me carry her,” he offers, already reaching in to pick her up, making me step back to give him better access.

She’s usually asleep by the time we arrive home on Saturdays, the poor thing. I usually get her up around five a.m., since I have to be set up and ready to start selling by six a.m., but she has never once complained. She’s been doing it since the first time I set up my booth, so it’s the only thing she knows during the summer. After shutting the car door, I walk ahead of them and go to the entrance of my studio. Quickly unlocking and opening the door, I allow him to step in first.

Leading him over to the area where we sleep, I show him the bed I share with Josephina, and he places her down on it. He covers her up with the blankets, staring down at her as he stands up, admiring her while she sleeps. After a couple of seconds he turns to slowly take in the surroundings.

I don’t have much of a living space. It looks more like a large working studio than a house, but to me it’s perfect. It allows me to work on my projects and keep Josephina within a close proximity, so I can always see her. It might be small, but it was better than nothing.

I walk towards my work area, with Joseph closely following behind, as I lead him to a couch that is near the wall. It’s usually where Josephina colors or does her activities during the day while I work. He takes a seat next to me and it instantly brings back the memory of the last night I’d seen him. I force myself to push it aside.

“So what is it you do?” he asks, still curiously looking around my studio.

There are several tables in the middle of the room, with items scattered across them. A large table is off to the side with several burners holding large pots and ladles. Against another wall, shelves are lined from top to bottom; it’s where I store items. There are large tubs of containers taking up half of the other walls. It’s what I store the finished soaps in, so the scents don’t mix. .

“I make soaps. I was taught how to make them when I first moved here to Wisconsin.”

“You said earlier you were sent away. Is this where you came?”

“When my parents found out I was pregnant, they had already made the decision to send me away,” I tell him, the somberness taking over my response.

He still looks puzzled by my response, so I explain. “I was sent to live here in Wisconsin with my aunt. She lives in an Amish community right outside of Madison. In the beginning it was very difficult for me, because I was an outsider who wasn’t raised there and I was pregnant. They didn’t approve of me at first. I had to prove I would be a hard worker and that I wouldn’t be an inconvenience to them. Eventually they allowed me to stay, knowing it would only be temporarily. I left a little after Josephina turned one, when I’d finally saved up enough money to move here to the capital with her.”