With the Father (5 page)

“Of course, I don’t
know Kate very well, but I think her intentions are good. She put her life on
hold to be here for you. She wants to help but probably feels pretty useless.”

Was he serious?
She feels useless?

“I didn’t ask her
to do it.”

“But she probably
had no choice but to do it anyway. She obviously loves you, and she’s your
family.”

I stared out the window and at the dark
storefronts of the closed businesses outside. “I don’t have a family any more.”

“You do. You have Kate, and you have your father.
You have everyone at the soup kitchen. You have me.”

I couldn’t be anything to those people any more. I
had nothing to offer them, and I didn’t want to be a taker that never gives
anything back. “Please don’t,” I said.

“We miss you. The people at Karen’s Kitchen miss
you.”

“I can’t go back there. I’m sorry. My heart’s just
not in it any more.”

His lips pressed together while he considered
that. He reached a hand out as if to touch mine, but then he pulled it back and
dropped it in his lap. “The coat drive is coming up. That always meant so much
to your mother, and you know you can do it in your sleep.”

Bringing my mother into this was a low blow. Of
course, I wanted my mom’s legacy to live on, but there were other people that
could take care of it. My dad could pay someone to run it. “I’m not coming in.”

 
“You
don’t have to. I can bring everything to you. Whatever you can’t do at home,
I’ll take care of for you.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. I didn’t think I
even cared if there were no coats for the kids of Karen’s Kitchen this year.

I groaned. That wasn’t true. I did care. My heart
wrenched in my chest as I pictured my own kids. I wanted to scream.

“I know you want to
hide. I know you wake up every day asking why. But there is no why, Grace. You
just have to have faith that there’s something else in store for you.”

“Stop,” I said
because I didn’t believe in God any more. I didn’t have any faith left. There
was nothing else in store for me.

I was losing
control. Any second, the dam would break, and there would be enough tears to
fill the entire car. I would drown us both with my misery.

“I don’t want there
to be a plan,” I said as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me
against his shoulder. The top of my head nestled into his neck and the
comforting smell of his laundry detergent washed over me.
 

“I chose wrong,” I
whispered. “I want to go back. I want a redo.”
 

Grace

“Are you going to get up today?” Kate stood in the doorway to my room.
Half-in
and half-out of the room, she appeared unsure about
whether she should come any closer.

“I haven’t decided,” I said, sliding the object in my hands under my
comforter.
 

“Dinner with the Pretty Prophet was fun, huh?”
 

“It was okay.” I
sat up on the edge of the bed too quickly, and the blood rushed to my head.

“What was that?”
she asked.

“Head rush. I just
moved too quickly.”
 
She was still
blurry through the bright streaks of light and stars screwing up my vision.

“No. What you just
hid from me. What was that?” She gave me her best disapproving mother hen look.
It didn’t fit Kate. She rarely disapproved of anything.

I sighed loudly for
effect and patted around until I found it. Both indignant and embarrassed, I
showed her the shiny black cell phone.
 

“That’s not yours.”

“No.”

“Is it
– ?
”

“Jonathan’s.”

 
“You’ve had it all of this time?” She
eyed the phone like she wanted to rip it out of my hands.

“Yes. He gave it to
me before …” My voice trailed off.

“It still works?”

“Yeah. Dad’s been
paying the bill.” Humiliation threatened to burn me up on the spot.

“Why?” Her voice
was low and cautious.

“His voice. If I
turn it off, I won’t be able to hear him anymore.” It was pathetic. I knew it
was, but I didn’t really care. It was all I had left of him.

Nothing in the
house had been salvageable. The phone and Trey’s stuffed donkey, which had been
left at my dad’s earlier that day, were the only physical proof I had of my
former life.

Kate’s expression
went soft. “Hey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s totally
understandable. You should keep it for as long as you need it.”

I didn’t see how I
would ever not need it. “I just don’t want to forget. Their faces are already
getting fuzzy. It hasn’t even been that long, and they’re already slipping
away. But I can still hear his voice.”

She walked into the
room, grabbed a picture frame from the top of the dresser and sat down on the
bed beside me. “We won’t let that happen,” she said, handing it to me.

It was from last
Halloween. Isabelle was dressed up as a princess. Trey had been in an Ironman
phase at the time. I stared longingly at their faces, unable to speak.

After I moved in,
my dad offered to hide all of the pictures in the house, but I’d begged him not
to. Pretending like they hadn’t existed wasn’t going to help me.

Kate picked up the
phone in my lap and pushed a button to wake it up. The screen was suddenly
illuminated with a picture of Trey. His grinning face beamed proudly at the
small turtle in his little hands.
 

She swiped her
thumb across the phone’s black glass face and was met with the passcode screen.
She stared at it dumbly.
 
I knew the
feeling. I had spent hours staring at it myself.

“I can’t figure it
out,” I said, my voice a quiet wail.
 
“And I know there’s a message in there from the kids. They called him
the day before to sing him a song. But I can’t figure out his code.” I glared
at the device as if it were to blame.

“We’ll figure it
out,” she said. “It’s probably something obvious.”
 

I had already tried every possible code I could think of.
Our wedding date.
The kids’ birthdays.
My birthday.
Jonathan’s birthday.
I’d also tried every
obvious numerical pattern. Up. Down. Across. Diagonal. Nothing worked.

Embarrassingly, I spent hours, day after day, entering different
combinations of numbers and letters. After six attempts, the phone would lock
up and not let me try again for a very long minute.

Kate put the infuriating device down on the bed between us. “Listen. We
need to talk about last night.”

I
laid
back on the bed, clutching the picture
frame to my chest.

“I’m really sorry,” she began. “I should have told you I was working
with Maddox, but I didn’t want to upset you.”

“It’s okay,” I
said. “I’m not upset any more.” Father Paul helped me understand that she was
only trying to help. I hadn’t given her a lot of opportunities to do that.

“I just needed something to do everyday, and Maddox asked me to come
help go through Jonathan’s office. He didn’t want a secretary to do it and I
didn’t want you to have to do it.”

“I know,” I said. “It’s okay.”

“And I can’t just sit around this house all day. It’s too depressing.”

“Tell me about it.”

She leaned over and looked me in the eye. “So let’s get you out more.
Last night wasn’t so bad.”

“It
was
pretty bad. I’m not fit for public consumption.” My
attention waned when other people talked about things that I now considered
mundane, and it never went anywhere good. All of these things created a social
rift that was as difficult for the people around me as it
was
for me.

“You are, too. Maybe we can try having dinner with Arden next week.”
She looked hopeful.

“Do we have to go to dinner?”

“Would you rather do something else? I think there’s a new Ryan
Reynolds movie at the theater.”

A movie would be better than dinner. Less talking. Less awkward
steering of the conversation away from touchy subjects like Arden’s son,
Jackson, who had been in Trey’s class, or her daughter, Autumn, who was one
year older than Isabelle.
Less of me trying to act like I was
normal.
“It’s just awkward.”

“I know.” Kate
laid
back on the bed. “So what
else can we find for you to do? You could come to Karen’s Kitchen with me.
Father Paul asked me to help out tonight.” She was turning into a real Mother
Theresa. Everyone seemed to need her help these days.

“I think I’ll pass.” I watched the fan blades go around. I tried to
pick one and follow it until I got dizzy again. “But I am going to help Father
Paul with the coat drive that’s coming up,” I added, surprising myself.

She popped up on an elbow. “You are?”
 

“I am. And I’m going to take Aurora to the park today.” Upon hearing
her name, the dog raised her head from her spot at the end of my bed and
snorted in my sister’s face.

“That’s great,” she said, patting Aurora’s head to appease her. “I
really like him, and he seems to really care about people.”

“He likes to help people in need, and now he thinks I’m one of them.”

“Probably. But he’s funny and pretty easy on the eyes. I certainly
wouldn’t toss him out of bed for eating crackers.”

I turned to face her. “He’s a
priest
, Kate.
 
A priest.”

“Well, yeah. But he’s not dead and neither am I.” Her eyes darkened as
she immediately realized what she’d said.
 
“I’m sorry, Grace. I just meant that hot.
I’m
 
not
impervious to hotness –
even on a priest.”

Kate legitimately tried to watch what she said around me, but walking
on eggshells didn’t suit her. I didn’t want to make her or anyone else feel
like that. Casual references to death were a part of life. It was something I
would have to get used to.

“I kind of felt like a third wheel on a first date last night,” I said,
trying to lighten the mood while playing into her joke. “Except he’s a priest,
and you’re a heathen.”

“Well, that’s not fair. I haven’t had a boyfriend in years.” She poked
me in the chest and grinned at me.

“Exactly.”

“Besides, it would have been a terrible first date anyway,” she said.
“It’s never good when your date can’t take his eyes off the third wheel.”

“What are you talking about?
I
was the third wheel.”

“And he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.”

“He’s concerned about me. He’s figured out that I’m a lost lamb. It’s
his job to help me find my way.”

“Maybe, but he was staring at you the whole night.
 
I couldn’t get a read on him. He does
seem like he’d be a good listener though. Maybe you should, you know, talk to
him. Maybe he’ll throw some poignant bible verses at you to help you figure
things out.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. The thought of talking to anyone tied my
stomach up in knots. Plus, the garbage that she was spouting right now didn’t
sound like Kate at all.

“He’s going to come here and help me work on the coat drive thing … you
know, so I don’t have to go to Karen’s Kitchen.”

“Well, whatever. This is good.
All good things.
If you need any help with this coat thing, let me know. And, if you change your
mind, I’m going to swing by the kitchen tonight and see if I can help out.”

“What’s gotten into you?” This new do-gooder attitude of Kate’s was
throwing me for a loop. “Is an exorcism in order?”

“Do you think Father Poke can help with that?” she said, wiggling her
eyebrows at me.

“Terrible. You are terrible.”

“What?” she asked. “I really want to help. I loved Mom, too. Besides,
being cold and hungry is a real bitch.”
There
was the Kate I knew and
loved. She
hadn’t
 
gone
far.

We
laid
there silently for a few minutes until
she finally broached the subject that brought her in here into my room in the
first place. “So … yeah … I said that I needed to talk to you about something.”

“I thought you wanted to talk about the office.”

“I did, but there’s also an insurance guy that’s been calling.
 
Dad has been putting him off because he
thinks you aren’t ready to talk with him, and it’s not like you need the money
or anything, but he’s getting more insistent. It’s been five months. They want
to pay out on the house and wrap things up, but they can’t do that until they
talk to you first.”

My stomach flipped and bile burned my throat. Whoever had thought up
the concept of life insurance hadn’t lost someone they loved. There was no
amount of money that could compensate me for my loss, and accepting any kind of
payment felt like I’d be putting a dollar figure on my husband, my kids, and
our life together.

“I don’t want the money.”

“So give it away. Give it to the
Fuckable
Father.
 
He’ll spread it around and
change the world.”
 
There was
something in her eyes that led me to think that she believed what she was
saying. I’d thought that Father Paul was enamored with her, but it was possible
that it was the other way around.

Something about that bothered me. “Your mouth is disgusting.”

“You love me anyway.” She poked at me. “Come on. I know you do.”
 

I stared at the ceiling and tried to ignore the fact that she was
watching me. Finally, I felt her push off the bed.

She turned around at the door.
 
“Just think about it, okay? The
number’s
in the
kitchen by the phone. I’m going to the office. Are you sure that you don’t want
to come?”

I shook my head. There was no way. The look on her face told me she
knew that. “Aurora. Remember? I need to take her before it gets too hot.”

“Well, you two have fun then,” Kate said, nodding at the beast of an
animal
laying
next to me.

Aurora sat up and stretched as if she’d been listening the whole time
and was ready for me to make good on my promise.

“Oh, all right,” I said, pulling myself off the bed. “Let’s go.”

Aurora jumped down in a move that I was sure going to break her short
legs. While she shook off her rough landing, I crossed to the dresser and
carefully replaced the picture frame back on top. Then I opened a drawer and
placed Jonathan’s phone inside.
 

_________________________

“We came all this way. You better do something to make it worth our
while. There’s a good looking border collie over there,” I said, nodding toward
the water station. “Go make a friend.”

Aurora looked up at me and blinked and then plopped down on her round
fat backside.
 

“Well, aren’t we two of the most unsocial beings around?” I asked. I
looked around for a park bench and found one near the gate. I backtracked
across the mostly vacant dog park.

This had been a monumental waste of time. Apparently, Tuesday mornings
weren’t peak dog socialization hours. Aurora’s only hopes of companionship this
morning was the
border
collie and a little white
puffball that looked like she’d make a better lunch than friend.