Without a Mother's Love (44 page)
He glared at her.‘How do you know what I’ve been through since you disappeared?’
She covered her eyes with a hand and pushed the cotton cap back from her brow. She could feel the agitation rising in her breast. Fear of the future was always uppermost in her mind, he should know that. She heard him get up and rummage is the cupboard by the fire.
‘Have you finished the brandy?’ he muttered. ‘That is the only thing I have against the Methodists. They do not keep spirits in their houses.’
‘If you’d seen Hesley and his grandfather together, you’d know why.’
‘Have a little sympathy, Olivia. I was at the pit at five this morning, getting that steam engine up to pressure.’
Livvy stood up and took a metal tankard from the dresser. ‘Harriet brews beer. It’s in the scullery.’
Jared found a stone bottle of porter in the cupboard. He poured it into another tankard, then filled a wine muller with hot coals and warmed it for her. She took it from him, gave him the beer and they resumed their seats by the fire.
‘Do not quarrel with me, Olivia. This is difficult enough as it is.You must understand that returning to Hesley is your best chance of a light sentence,’ Jared persisted.
She sipped the porter. There was no honey in it but its warmth and robust bite were welcome. He was at the pit every day now, Harriet had told her, but she had not known he was there so early. Output was rising already, Harriet had said. The colliers welcomed Jared Tyler’s efforts.
‘I want to stay here, in Mexton,’ she said. Near to you, she thought.
‘No, Olivia.You have caused a scandal.You will be shunned.’
‘I’ll help in the mission,’ she suggested.
‘With Toby? You cannot do that to him. This is as painful for me as it is for you, but you must go back to Hesley.’
‘I can’t.’
He frowned. He could not persuade her and she would suffer more as a result. ‘Can you tell me what you want for Hesley?’ he asked. ‘I have to make a decision about his future.’
‘He is sick. Let the doctors decide.’ She heard a noise and voices in the scullery. ‘That’s Harriet. It sounds as though Anna is with her. They were carrying over curtains from the farmhouse for one of the villagers.’
‘What do you want me to do about Hesley?’ he persisted.
‘I cannot help him,’ she said. ‘No one can. Hesley will have to go to the asylum.’
‘No!’
Olivia and Jared turned. Anna was standing in the doorway to the scullery.
‘
Not the asylum,’ she said.
‘
Not the asylum,’ she said.
Harriet was standing behind her. ‘How bad is he, Jared?’ she asked.
‘I have no experience of these things,’ he replied, ‘but you have, both of you. You will know what to do and I should welcome your counsel.’
‘I should like to see him.’Anna said softly, and Harriet reached for her hand.
‘Olivia?’ Jared queried. ‘Will you come with us?’
She looked at the three waiting for her answer. It would mean going back to Hill Top House and she had vowed never to do that while Hesley was there.
‘I do not like that house . . . My memories . . .’
‘Then we must replace them with better ones,’ Jared said. ‘It is only a building made of stone and slate, wood and lime. Old Hesley made that house a bad place to live, but he has gone.’
She would be with Jared and she trusted him. He would not deceive her and use her as others had. He had always wanted to do what was best. For her, for Hesley even, and for the pit. Perhaps it would not be such an ordeal for her to return there if Jared was with her.
She nodded.
‘We’ll go tomorrow,’ Jared decided. ‘After I’ve been to the pit. I’ll bring the trap from home. We must make haste before the constable catches up with you.’
‘Madam! Ee, you made me jump.’
‘How are you, Mrs Cookson?’
The housekeeper was rummaging in the pantry and had not noticed them arrive.‘I never expected to see you up here again. Are you back for good?’
Olivia didn’t answer.
‘You’ll have heard about the young master?’
‘That’s why I’m here.’
‘I’ve heard a tale or two about you, an’ all, but I’m right glad to see you.’
Olivia looked around the untidy shelves.‘Are Mary and Eliza still with you?’
‘They are. But they have to do most of my work now I see to the master.’ Mrs Cookson appeared much older and her face was lined and tired. ‘Are you coming back, madam? We’re in a right pickle without you, these days.’
‘We’ll see,’ Olivia replied. ‘Miss Trent is with me. Will you take us up to him?’
They went into the hall, where Jared, Harriet and Anna were waiting, and climbed the dark wooden staircase to Hesley’s bedchamber. He was quite peaceful as he slept.
‘He’s quieter nowadays,’ Mrs Cookson told them. ‘He has medicines that do it and he doesn’t take the drink. But he needs seeing to all the time. It’s like having a newborn, with the feeding and the changing and the washing.’
‘Does he know who you are?’ Harriet queried.
‘Sometimes. Sometimes not.’
‘Will he die?’ Livvy asked.
‘We all die eventually,’ Mrs Cookson responded. ‘Are you going to take him away?’
‘He doesn’t have to be in the asylum,’ Harriet said. ‘He can be looked after here.’
‘Will you do it, then, Miss Trent?’ Mrs Cookson demanded.
They stood in silence around the bed. It was only then that Livvy noticed Anna, staring silently and -
weeping
. She was not mistaken. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
weeping
. She was not mistaken. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
‘I’ll do it,’ Anna said in a low voice. ‘I’ll look after him. If I may.’
‘Why would you want to do that?’ Livvy asked quietly.
Anna lifted her head. Her eyes were bright and her gentle lined face filled with sadness and pain. ‘He is my son,’ she said.
‘Anna, why don’t you sit down?’ Harriet had been the first to speak.
Livvy said,‘Hesley’s mother died when he was a baby. Shortly after his father was killed.’
‘No, she didn’t -
I
didn’t.’
I
didn’t.’
Jared moved to stand before her and took her hand. ‘Are you saying that you are Aunt Sukie?’
Anna nodded.
‘
Susannah. I was baptized Susannah. After John Wesley’s mother. She was known as Sukie, too.’
‘
Susannah. I was baptized Susannah. After John Wesley’s mother. She was known as Sukie, too.’
‘Uncle Hesley said you were dead.’
‘I was to him.’
Jared put an arm round her shoulders and led her to a chair. ‘Why didn’t you tell us? This is too much for you to bear.’
‘You have been at the mission all the time?’ Livvy said.
Harriet intervened: ‘Anna was a patient at the asylum. Old Hesley put her there.’
Livvy choked with horror. ‘My God! If he were not dead I should kill him myself. Poor Anna.’
‘Poor Hesley.’ Anna stood up, walked to the bed and stroked her son’s sunken, pallid cheek. ‘Let me do this for him now.’
Harriet moved to the bed to be beside her and said quietly, ‘Jared, would you take Livvy downstairs? I’ll stay here with Anna.’
Standing in the gloomy hall, Livvy’s heart was thumping in her breast. ‘I should like some fresh air,’ she said.
He ached to hold and comfort her, yet he dared not. Her renewed devotion to her marriage vows must be unmistakable to everyone.‘We’ll walk together,’ he said. But apart, he thought.
She set off with him, past the walled garden with her fruit bushes and vegetable rows, now neglected and overgrown, and up the hill towards the little church on the moor. The wind was keen and they wrapped their cloaks closely about them as they climbed.
‘I can hardly take this in,’ she muttered.
‘Nor I. A lifetime of separation. A whole lifetime.’
‘And Anna’s mission at the asylum, too. To go back to the scene of so much of her suffering and help others in their misery. She is too good for this earth.’
‘She is a Methodist. They do not flinch from their duty. I admire them for that.’
‘You would make a good Methodist, Jared.’
‘Don’t say that to my mother.’ He laughed gently. Then he became serious. ‘Poor Anna. You will agree to her request to look after Hesley, won’t you?’
‘Of course. She has endured such hardship. I shall help her where I can.’
‘Does that mean you will move into Hill Top House?’
‘Why, yes. If Anna is determined, I shall return.’ Livvy stared at the rutted track beneath her feet. ‘But it will not be long before I am taken away.’
Her words sliced through him like a knife. ‘I hardly dare think of it. It pains me so,’ he muttered.
It pained Livvy, too, to think that her actions were the cause of Jared’s unhappiness. But her heartache amounted to nothing compared with Anna’s. She inhaled sharply, straightened her back and quickened her pace. ‘Do not grieve for me, Jared. I am young and strong. Whatever I have to endure, I am sure it cannot be as dreadful as the asylum.’
But he knew he would suffer every day that she was away. He said, ‘I shall make it known in town that you have returned to be with your ailing husband.’
‘Hesley will take Anna from her new venture in Mexton.’
‘Harriet is helping Toby to set up his mission school at the farmhouse. As soon as the pit is in profit again I shall be able to support them with money.’
‘You are a good man, Jared. The miners’ children will have an education.’
‘I hope so. The pasture is dry today. Shall we go across to our cottage?’
Jared was silent as they walked. She wondered if he was remembering the last time they had been there together. They had quarrelled because he would not kiss her and love her as she had wished him to.
‘I thought about you all time I was away,’ he said quietly.
‘I thought I saw you sometimes. In the distance. I always hoped it was you, but you never came back. And that made me more angry with you.’
‘We both know what would have happened if we’d met without Harriet to chaperone us.’
Yes. Yes, yes, yes! She had wanted it so much that she had ached for his touch. She glanced sideways. Her passion for him had not dimmed with their years of separation and her body still yearned to be possessed by his. She wondered if he could tell by looking at her. ‘They were good times, weren’t they?’ she said at last.
‘The best.’
She stopped and turned to face him. ‘Do you think so? Really?’
‘Truly.’
They stared at each other. Jared did not know where he found the strength to keep his hands at his sides until Olivia moved on and they continued to the dry-stone wall that surrounded their cottage garden. ‘Shall we sit a while?’ she suggested. ‘The air is wonderfully fresh out here today.’
They looked at the view in silence. Then Jared said, ‘Hill Top House is where you belong, Olivia.’
‘I know,’ she agreed, and thought,You too.You belong there with me. She said, ‘Will you live there while I am in gaol?’
‘Me?’
‘It is your responsibility now, is it not?’
‘It is too far from the pit.’
‘Cross-country on horseback? Surely not.’ She took a deep breath. ‘If you do stay there, I shall come back and live with you when I am freed.’
‘Another scandal - won’t it worry you?’
‘You have power of attorney for my husband. It is right that you should be there.’
He passed a hand over his brow. ‘I cannot think beyond your being in gaol. I hate to think of you locked away. What shall I do? I love you. I have loved you so much and for so long that it hurts.’
Had her ears deceived her? ‘You love me? Oh, Jared, I have loved you since that first Christmas we met. Say it again!’
‘I love you, Olivia. I always have, but you are married. It is impossible for us to be together.’
‘Not any longer, surely?’ Suddenly she reached over to grasp his hands and pull him close. ‘The constable will arrive for me any day now. Let us not waste this time alone together. Hold me, Jared. Hold me close. Kiss me. Love me.’
He had kept two paces distant from her as they walked. When they sat on the wall, he had placed himself with enough space for Harriet to sit between them, had she been there. And now he did not know whether he wished she were or was glad that she was not.
He wondered how much more his heart could take. It felt as though it were being wrung out, twisted and squeezed until he was sure it would expire from exhaustion. He was elated that they should be together so naturally and so comfortably, walking, talking, sometimes sharing an easy silence. But he was dashed to the ground and broken by the thought of her locked away.
Yet when she had talked of past good times his heart had soared. He had thought it would burst out of his chest when she agreed to return to Hill Top House. And then to ask him to live there with her was too much for him to bear.
Yet bear it he must, for soon she would be taken away from him.And though she would have the worst of it, and he grieved for that, he did not know how his tortured heart would survive without her. Not now that he had found her. He knew he wanted never to let her out of his sight. So when she pulled him towards her, his well-meaning resolve to respect her married status bolted away on the breeze.
He had control enough for both of them, he knew that, and had relied on it over the years, sometimes in wretched anger that it must be so, but mostly because he loved her. He knew also that if he had the control of two men he had also the passion of ten, and she was right. He should not, would not,
could not
waste this precious time together.
could not
waste this precious time together.
He kissed her hands first, each palm in turn, then her lips, exploring their sweet softness with an ecstasy born of longing. She slid to the ground, pulling him after her and he rolled onto his back. Once joined, their lips did not part as she undid his heavy cloak, then her own and pushed them aside on the crushed grass.
She fumbled with the buttons on his jacket and trousers, and he helped her. And when he was free of such encumbrance he searched beneath her skirts for the tapes of her drawers. Her skirts - there was so much of them! His heart, his poor wrung-out heart, was pounding so loudly in his ears that he thought they would both be deafened by it.
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