WOLF: An Evil Dead MC Story (The Evil Dead MC Series Book 4) (18 page)

He stared at her, frowning for a long moment and then whispered, “You wanted it?”

She nodded. “Yes, I wanted it, you big, stupid oaf.”

He slowly ran his hand over his mouth, studying her. His eyes dropped to her wrists, and then as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders and it was just too much, he collapsed down on the bed, dropping his head into his hands.

She stared at him a long moment, and then she saw his shoulders shaking with a slight tremor. His face was downcast, but she knew he was weeping. For their unborn child? Perhaps for everything they’d lost?

It killed her to see him like this. Wolf, who was so strong, now devastated, broken. She found her feet moving toward him, drawn like a magnet, needing to give him comfort. Dropping to her knees in front of him, she put her hands on his wrists, attempting to pull his hands from his face. He fought her on it only for a moment before he let her win. She saw his eyes, glassy with tears, and then she was sliding her arms around his neck.

He latched onto her like a drowning man, hugging her to him tightly, pulling her between his knees, her chest flush with his. She felt his face bury into her neck as he shook.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he murmured into her ear.

“Shh. Shh.” She didn’t know what else to say. She knew with all too much authority that nothing anyone could say made this any better or any easier.

“This is my fault. This is all my fault,” he muttered.

She shook her head against him. “No. No, baby.”

“I wasn’t there for you. I should have been there for you. For you both.”

“Wolf.”

They held each other for a long time, both clutching each other tightly, seeking comfort for something to which there was no comfort, no solace.

Eventually, he took her by the arms and set her away, rising to his feet. Without a word he went into the small bathroom, closing the door. She knew he was a man that didn’t let weakness show very often, maybe never. Never showed his failings. Never let himself be vulnerable. In an MC he couldn’t afford to reveal or expose any weakness. Ever. And she was sure he didn’t like her seeing them.

She pulled a pair of jeans out of her bag and slid them and her shoes on and stepped outside, giving him time. Leaving the door open, she stood on the concrete walkway of the nearly deserted motel. The early morning air was crisp. She hugged herself and put her nose to Wolf’s soft flannel shirt, breathing in the scent of him. She watched the sunrise, knowing things would never be the same between them after this, but knowing she would no longer be the only one to carry this grief. She’d wanted to spare him from it, but in a way it felt good not to be the only one, not to have to struggle alone with it anymore.

Not that it mattered. It didn’t change anything between them. Not really. Wolf was still Wolf. He was still the free-spirited man she’d fallen for all those years ago. And perhaps that’s how it should be. She shouldn’t want to change him. And if she was being completely honest, she couldn’t risk her heart again, because she knew no matter how much he wanted to be what she needed, that wasn’t him. He was a lone wolf, and perhaps that was for the best. 

****

Wolf stared at his reflection in the tiny mirror over the sink. Goddamn, but he was a piece of work. Who the hell was
he
to confront her in any way about a pregnancy? Even if she had terminated the pregnancy, how could he condemn her for it? How could he blame her or say shit about it? He’d proven himself unworthy, someone she couldn’t count on or depend on when the shit hit the fan. When Mack gave him that ultimatum, he hadn’t stepped up, he hadn’t chosen her, not really. Oh, sure he’d wanted her to stay, he’d wanted to keep her close, but he was only thinking about himself. Even then he somehow thought he could have his cake and eat it too. He thought he would keep her without really committing. What an idiot he was. What an asshole, he’d become. When the hell had he become all about Wolf? Didn’t he have enough to share it all with her?

And what would he have done if she had told him about the baby?

He stared at his reflection, his hands on the sink. He liked to believe he would have stepped up. God, he wanted to believe that with all his soul, but obviously she saw something in him that made her doubt it. Doubt
him
.

And the fuck of it was, he couldn’t blame her.

He pushed off the sink and strode out of the bathroom. A flash of panic took hold of him when he saw the open door, but his eyes darted to her bag still lying on the floor, and he let out a breath, the tightness in his chest easing.

He stepped outside to find her standing with her back to him, staring into the sunrise. Dawn just beginning to lighten the horizon.

He moved to stand behind her.

“Crystal.”

She stood there, unmoving.

His eyes moved to the horizon and he swallowed, trying to find the words, trying to sort through all his feelings and say this right. Hell, there was no right way. No easy way through any of this. In the end he opted for honesty. “I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could say something to make this all better, but I just don’t have the words. I don’t know how.”

Still, she didn’t reply or make a move.

“Let me hold you,” he implored softly. “Please. At least let me hold you.” At his words he saw her shoulders begin shaking with a new wave of sobs. It broke Wolf’s heart to see her like this.

“Baby.” He pulled her around and into his arms, holding her tight against his chest, cradling her trembling body. He spoke softly, his mouth at her ear. “This isn’t on you. This is on me. You, the baby, those scars you carry, it’s all on me, sweetheart. I’m to blame for all of it. Every bad thing that’s happened to you, it’s all my fault.”

She tried to shake her head in denial, but he stopped her, his hand coming up to push her head to his chest, stilling her movements. “Shh. It’s true. We both know it’s true. And I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. For all of it.”

She was quiet in his arms for a few moments. But her next words made him realize she’d only been gathering her armor. She pushed back, putting a few inches between them.

“Let me go, Wolf.” She nodded toward her car.

His eyes followed, landing on her vehicle. Ah, hell, how was he ever going to do that? He shook his head. “I don’t want to let you go. I can’t.”

“You have to.”

“Crystal—I can’t. Don’t ask that of me.”

“Please, Wolf, if you ever had any feelings for me at all, you’ll let me go.”

Fuck. That gutted him. His eyes slid closed as the pain of losing her ripped through him.
I need you
. It was on the tip of his tongue. God, he didn’t
want
to let go. He
never
wanted to let go again. He opened his eyes and looked down at her. He wanted to keep holding her forever. But something in the way she looked up at him, pleading, had him loosening his grasp. He wasn’t good for her. He’d done nothing but bring her pain. It was selfish and cruel to think of how hurt he’d be when she left him again. He had to think about what was best for her.

He let her go, dropping his arms at his sides. They stared at each other.

“Are you sure this is what you want, Crystal?” he asked one final time.

His insides clenched as she nodded.

She brushed past him, moving back inside the motel room door. He followed, standing unsure in the doorway as she gathered up her things and stuffed them into her overnight bag. She flung her purse over her shoulder and reached to grab her bag off the bed, but he brushed her hand aside and picked up the bag for her.

Their eyes met.

“Wolf, I can carry it.”

“Don’t.” Wolf stopped her protest with a word. “I’ve got it.”

She turned and headed out the door. He followed her out to her car. She popped the trunk, and he hefted her bag inside, slamming it shut. She moved to stand uncertainly by the driver’s door and Wolf stepped up, taking her face in his hands, and his mouth came down on hers. Softly. Just a brush of lips. And then another. He stared down at her a long moment before pressing a kiss to her forehead, holding it a moment before releasing her and stepping back.

“You can always call me. For anything. You know that, right?” he asked, his voice coming out in a deep rumbling rasp as emotion engulfed him. His throat felt tight with it.

Her eyes glazed over and perhaps she suffered the same choking feeling because she could only manage a nod.

He stepped back as she turned, opened her door and climbed inside. A moment later, he was standing there watching her car pull out onto the highway, leaving a trail of dust in its wake.

Wolf stood there forlornly, until long after the dust settled back down on the road, thinking about everything she’d said.

As the dawn broke over the horizon and the faintest starlight faded away like any hopes he’d had of holding onto her this time, any hopes he’d ever had for the two of them, he turned toward his bike and the long ride back to a life that suddenly didn’t mean half as much as it had only hours ago.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Wolf sat at the end of the bar at Marty’s, a neighborhood joint the guys sometimes frequented. A man sitting halfway down on his left was repeatedly flicking open a silver zippo lighter, open, close, open, close. The sound grating on Wolf’s nerves until he was tempted to walk over there and slam the asshole face-first into the bar top.

Marty walked over and leaned his elbows on the bar, saving him from his felony.

“You doing okay, Wolf?”

Wolf’s eyes moved from the man to Marty. “Fine.”

Marty nodded to Wolf’s empty glass. “Can I get you another?”

Wolf nodded. Although he was quickly finding there wasn’t enough liquor in the world to fill the emptiness inside him. He’d been back two weeks now. Two weeks. Two long motherfucking weeks since he’d said goodbye to Crystal and watched her drive away, out of his life, for the second goddamned time.

Two weeks of having his brothers asking him what the fuck was wrong with him. Two weeks of sideways glances from brothers that meant well, but didn’t have a fucking clue to the extent of his hell.

Marty returned with his drink, and with one look at the murderous look on Wolf’s face, wisely retreated to service his other customers.

Wolf took a slug of his drink as the jukebox in the corner switched songs. It had a strange mix of current music mixed in with a bunch of oldies. Marty’s music was a little funky, like the man himself.

The mellow sounds of Tommy James and the Shondells’
Crystal Blue Persuasion
drifted out.

Oh, fucking hell.

The song taunted him with memories of Crystal. Like he didn’t have enough of those, like he needed another fucking reminder of just how bad he’d fucked up. Now he had to sit here and listen to her name being sung to him in every chorus.

Screw this.

He slammed back the rest of his drink, slapped a twenty on the bar and headed outside. His bike was parked in the side lot, near the front door. He climbed on and fired it up, but then sat there a moment, considering his options. He could head south back toward the clubhouse, but something made him swivel his head towards the north.

Oakland.

There was one thing that had gnawed at his gut since he’d been back. One thing that he couldn’t let go. One thing that he had to know.

He popped his bike in gear, twisted the throttle and let out the clutch, rolling out of the lot and gunning it down the street, the roar of his pipes reverberating against the buildings with a deep echoing rumble as he headed north to get his answers.

Twenty minutes later he was stepping off the freight elevator into Crash’s industrial loft. His brother stood in front of him, his arms folded.

“Brother,” he greeted Wolf, and Wolf could see by the look in his eyes that he was wondering at the reason for this visit.

Shannon was in the kitchen area rinsing out some glasses. She turned, giving him a bright smile. “Hey, Wolf.”

“You want a beer?” Crash offered, taking in his demeanor.

“Yeah, sure.” Wolf replied and Crash moved to the refrigerator to pull two out.

“You want one, Shannon?” Crash asked his wife.

“No, thanks, hon.”

Crash gave a jerk of his head toward the stairs to the roof and asked Wolf, “You want to take this outside?”

Wolf’s eyes moved from Crash to Shannon and back. “Actually, I was hoping I could talk with Shannon.”

Crash’s eyes narrowed and he offered, “She’s welcome to join us.”

Code for ‘not on your life am I leaving you alone with my ol’ lady, Brother’. Wolf understood the message loud and clear. He nodded, his eyes moving to Shannon.

She looked between them. “Okaaay.”

They all moved outside. Dusk was falling quickly, turning the sky a deep violet-blue. The lights of the Bay Bridge twinkled in the distance. Wolf took a seat, and Shannon sat down one chair over. Crash chose to remain standing, but planted his ass on the low wall, crossing his legs at his booted ankles. He took a slug of his beer, his eyes on Wolf.

“You had something you needed to talk about?” Crash eyed him.

Wolf leaned forward in his chair, his elbows on his knees, rolling the beer bottle between his palms. “This stays between the three of us.”

“What does?” Crash asked, not quite ready to make any promises without knowing what the fuck this was about. Wolf could understand that.

“It’s about Crystal.”

Crash’s eyes connected with Shannon’s, then returned to Wolf’s as he nodded. “Okay.”

Wolf’s eyes moved from him to Shannon. “Did you know?”

She frowned at him, her eyes moving between Wolf and her husband. “Did I know what?”

“Did you know Crystal was carrying my baby when she left?” Wolf couldn’t be more straight-up than that. He watched Shannon swallow, her discomfort plain, and he knew the answer before she ever responded.

“Yes. I knew.”

Wolf ground his teeth together and stared out at the horizon. Then his eyes swung to his brother. “Did you know?”

“No, Wolf. I had no clue.” Crash shook his head, his eyes unguarded and clear before they moved to his wife, who had obviously kept him in the dark.

Wolf nodded. At least his brothers hadn’t hung him out to dry.

“I thought she’d told you. She made us promise not to say anything, but I thought surely she’d told you,” Shannon explained in a soft voice.

“Us?”

“Angel and I. We were with her when she found out, when she took the test.”

Wolf shook his head. Unbelievable. “And after she left, you honestly thought I knew? Did I act like a man that knew that shit? Did you really think that I would have let her go if I’d known?”

“Wolf,” Crash warned in a tone that cut him no slack.

The corner of Wolf’s mouth pulled up in a smile that was more sneer than anything else. “And when she lost it, you know about that, too?”

Shannon nodded.

“And the goddamn suicide attempt, did you know about that as well?” He surged to his feet in frustration.

She stared up at him in shock, her voice barely audible. “What?”

He turned on her. “Were you ever gonna tell me? Or was that all part of the secret?”

“Wolf, what the fuck are you talking about?” Crash demanded, rising to his feet as well.

Wolf answered him, but his eyes remained boring into Shannon’s. “I’m talking about Crystal slitting her goddamn wrists.”

“What?” Shannon paled, her eyes beginning to fill.

“I see she obviously kept that secret from both of us.”

“What are you talking about, Wolf?” Crash demanded.

“She tried to kill herself. I saw the fucking scars.”

“Scars?”

“Yeah, scars. She has them. She likes to keep them hidden, but they’re there. Both wrists.”

Shannon burst into tears, covering her face, and Wolf felt like ten kinds of asshole.

Crash pulled her into his arms, glaring at Wolf over her shoulder for putting this hurt on his woman. “You get what you came for?”

Wolf flung his bottle into the alley below where it shattered. “Yeah. I guess so.”

He moved to walk past the two and head out, but Shannon stopped him with a hand on his sleeve. “Wait, Wolf. Don’t go.”

He froze, his eyes falling to her hand.

“I didn’t know. I swear. She never said a word.”

Wolf gave a single nod.

Shannon’s eyes moved imploringly to Crash’s.

“Babe, go inside. Give me a minute with Wolf.”

She nodded and fled.

Wolf stared over at Crash. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“That was a shit thing to do, Wolf. I know you’re hurting, but don’t think for a minute that I’m gonna stand here and let you dump on my ol’ lady and not say shit about it. Shannon doesn’t need to carry the guilt for anything Crystal did. This shit is all between the two of you.” Crash let out a frustrated breath and growled, “Sit down.”

Wolf hesitated.

“Sit the fuck down, Wolf.”

He sat.

“I take it this is what’s been eating at you since we got back from Vegas.”

Wolf nodded.

“And how’d that end?”

Wolf ran a hand through his hair. “Not good.”

“What happened?”

“She dropped one bomb after another on me. I didn’t handle it well.” Wolf shook his head, staring off at the horizon. “Hell, I lost it.”

Crash nodded, waiting for Wolf to continue, when he didn’t, Crash finally prompted, “Do you want to try to make a go of it with her?”

Wolf shook his head. “Doesn’t matter what I want.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Means I’m trying to do what she wants.”

“And what’s that?”

“She told me if I cared anything for her, I’d let her go.”

Crash nodded solemnly. “Is that what you plan to do, then?”

“I have to. I have to think about what’s best for her.”

“And what about you? You gonna survive this?”

“Gonna have to try.”

They sat there a long moment before Crash finally stood up, and Wolf stood with him. Crash pulled him into an embrace and slapped his back. “Then you’ll do what you have to do. And we’re all here for you, Brother.”

They broke apart. “Yeah.”

Then they moved toward the door, but Wolf stopped him before Crash could open it. “This stays between us, Crash. No one else needs to know. I shouldn’t have told you, but hell, I needed someone to talk to.”

Crash nodded. “I won’t say a word.”

“And Shannon?”

Crash’s brows rose and a slight grin pulled at his mouth. “Yeah, that might be a bigger problem.”

“Crash,” Wolf warned.

“I got it, don’t worry. She won’t say a word.”