Wolfsbane (15 page)

I turned before he could stop me, tilting my face toward his, eager for his lips to meet mine. When they did, it was like a flaming arrow scorched its path into the core of my body. He kept the kiss light, teasing. The gentle strokes of his mouth on mine made me ache, hungry for more of him. I twisted my fingers in the soft curls of his hair, pul ing him into a deeper kiss. I took his lower lip between my teeth, and I heard a rumbling growl of pleasure in his chest.

One of his hands pressed against the smal of my back while the other slipped beneath my shirt, caressing, exploring.

“I missed you,” he whispered, kissing me again.

“So much.”

“Me too,” I said, almost gasping as his lips moved along my jaw. My skin came alive under his fingers, every touch an electric crackle through my veins.

He laughed, and I managed to catch my breath long enough to ask, “This is funny to you?”

“No,” he murmured against my lips. “It’s just that this outfit is much easier to deal with than that chastity contraption you had on the last time we were kissing.”

I shivered as his fingers emphasized his observation.

“You mean my wedding dress?” I tried to focus on getting coherent words out. “These are more comfortable, but it’s a little weird to be wearing my enemies’ clothes.”

“They aren’t your enemies anymore. And it’s a good look for you.” He smiled against my mouth. “I especial y like those tight leather pants.” His hands moved again and my legs threatened to give out.

“Do you want to pick up where we left off in my room?” he asked. “I mean, where we left off
before
we had to run for our lives?”

My heart fluttered, but another voice echoed in my mind. A voice from when we’d been running for our lives.

Do you love him?
Ren’s words swirled around me, fil ing my ears. I had to close my eyes against the sound of it, struggling against the storm of feelings that assaulted me.

This is only about love.

His rich voice sounded so close, so real. My eyes snapped open and I almost expected to see the alpha standing there: espresso dark hair, sparkling charcoal eyes, teasing smile, lips parted to greet me.

Hey, Lily.

But only tal leaded windows stared back at me from the room’s outer wal .

With some reluctance I pul ed out of Shay’s embrace.
Why does this keep happening?
I couldn’t escape memories of Ren. They were only getting stronger.

“I don’t think we should.” My voice was hoarse and my limbs stil trembled, but I didn’t know if it was from the lingering effects of Shay’s touch or the unexpected vision of Ren that intruded on us.

He sighed as he watched me move away from him.

“What’s wrong?”

I didn’t want to tel him, so I grabbed for the other thought that nagged me. “The fight today was hard.

Lydia died so I could make it back. She died for me.

It’s hard to believe that the Searchers don’t hate me.”

“I think Ethan hates you,” Shay offered with a grimace.

“The feeling is mutual.” I smiled rueful y. “I meant the rest of them. Monroe’s reserved but never angry.

Connor’s actual y pretty great.”

“I see.” Shay gritted his teeth.

“Not like
that,
” I muttered. “Just funny and nice. You know, like Adne.”

I let an edge accompany her name. Two could play the jealousy card.

He either didn’t notice or ignored it. “Yeah, she
is
great. I spent the whole week with her.”

“Doing what?” I asked, catching a growl before it left my throat.

“Aw, you’re cute when you’re jealous.” He stroked my cheek, snatching his fingers away when I playful y snapped at them. “You know I only have eyes for you.”

“Right.” I laughed, but a snarl stil lingered in the sound.

“Seriously.” The warmth in his voice drew my eyes to his. When he leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose, I melted, knowing he meant it.

“Adne just showed me around,” he said. “We did some training. They’re real y big on that here—the training.”

“What kind of training?” I ran my fingers over his shoulder, along his arm, lingering on his taut muscles.

“Combat,” he replied, his jaw tightening. I felt his biceps flex under my hand.

“Oh,” I said. “What’s it like?”

He laughed sharply. “I know how to fight better, I guess.”

“You were already pretty good before,” I offered.

“You should see me now, baby.” He grinned.

“Don’t ever cal me that again,” I said. “Or you’l need those combat skil s.”

“Right,” he said, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “No belittling pet names. I’ve sort of been learning about the Academy and how Searchers are trained, but as far as the future or what I’m supposed to do, I’m stil blind and dumb.”

“Shay . . . why didn’t you show them Haldis until today?” Something about that secret bothered me, but I couldn’t quite pin down what.

“I didn’t want to give them anything until I knew I could trust them. Until you came back,” he said, sending a spike of warmth beneath my skin that curled low in my body. “I think I do now.”

“So you and the Searchers have been giving each other the silent treatment?”

“Pretty much.” He laughed. “I wanted to be sure they meant it about the al iance with Guardians, that they weren’t going to hurt you once you woke up.”

“Thanks for that,” I said, but it was stil surprising that he’d deceived them. “Shay, you knew that we were going to try to find my pack. Why didn’t you stop us?”

“You wanted to go,” he protested, but I knew he was dodging me.

“Al I could think about was getting to them,” I said.

“It didn’t even occur to me that the patrols would have stopped . . . not until we couldn’t find them.”

Shay didn’t manage to hide the twitch of a smile.

“You knew,” I snarled. “You knew we wouldn’t find them.”

“I didn’t know,” he said. “I guessed.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” My surprise became anger. Two people were dead. “My alpha instincts took over when I was hunting for Ansel and the others. I couldn’t think about anything else. You should have.”

“I wanted you to be safe,” he said, his shoulders tensing. “I thought you could prove your worth to the Searchers without actual y running into trouble.”

“We ran into plenty of trouble,” I snarled, furious that he’d thought he could protect me and that he’d tried to do so by lying. “People died. Good people.”

“I know,” he said quickly, and I could see he was becoming as angry as I was. “And I’m sorry for that.

Cal a, I didn’t say anything because I thought there wouldn’t be wolves near Haldis. How could I have known they’d be waiting for you?”

Because it’s what we do best.
I bit my tongue, not wanting to lash out at him anymore. Tears burned in my eyes and weariness settled deep in my bones, making them ache. I walked to the bed and sat down. It wasn’t just the Searchers’ losses that tore at me. My own disappointment pressed down on my chest, a painful, heavy weight. I’d barreled into that mission because I’d hoped so much to reunite with my pack. Now I didn’t know what would happen, how we’d ever find them.

I slid down on the mattress, resting my head among pil ows. A few lonely tears slipped along my cheeks as I closed my eyes. The bed caved beneath Shay’s weight when he stretched out beside me. His lips touched the back of my neck, but I wasn’t with him in the room anymore. I was back in Vail, with my pack. Facing Emile today hadn’t just shown me what I was up against—it had reminded me of what I’d lost. I despised the Bane alpha, but I didn’t hate his son.

Come to beg forgiveness? I think you may find
it’s too late.

Running had granted me freedom, but Ren was stil in Vail. And he’d lied to help us escape. How had Emile reacted to that betrayal? What kind of forgiveness would the Keepers offer Ren, if any?

Was he even alive?

Shay’s fingers slid over my hip, drawing me back against him.

“Stop, Shay. Don’t.” My voice quaked as I rol ed away from him. “I just . . . I can’t.”

I wanted him, but the flood of emotions pouring into me made me restless, uneasy.

He slid his arm around my waist. “Why not?”

It took me a moment to speak. “You know why.”

A low growl slithered from his throat. “He’s not here, you know. Your union, the alpha stuff, al of that

—it’s over. You don’t have to keep acting like he has some kind of hold on you. I just wish you would—”

Shay didn’t know how wrong he was. Ren was here; somehow he was stil with me, haunting my every move. Union or no, as alphas we’d had a fierce bond. It had always been there since the first day I’d met him and our union had been announced.

That connection, that loyalty stil tied me to Vail, and to him. The only thing that had made me question whether Ren and I were meant to be together was this boy who now lay beside me. And I wasn’t sure I knew what that meant.

Shay was silent, but I could feel his angry eyes boring into the back of my head.

“I don’t get it,” he said. “You’re free now, Cal. You want this.”

He was right. I did want this, but my own desires weren’t the only thing that compel ed me.

“No, I’m not. Not real y.” I sighed, flipping over to look at him. “I’m sorry, but until I know that my pack is safe, I don’t want to make any more choices that make me feel like I’ve abandoned them.”

As soon as the words were out, I knew how true they were. It wasn’t just Ren haunting me; it was the choices I’d made.

His mouth cut into a thin, sharp line. “Loving me is betraying your pack? Even after everything that’s happened, you’d stil consider becoming Ren’s mate for their sakes?”

“I—I don’t know.” And I realized that I real y didn’t know what I was going to do. I tried to make my voice coaxing. “With everything that’s going on, don’t you think it’s better if we keep things neutral? We have more important stuff to deal with than you, me, and Ren. Right?”

Even as I spoke, my fingers found Ren’s ring, tracing the shape of the band.

Shay’s pale green eyes hardened into agates.

“More important stuff?”

“Like saving the world? This war we’re supposed to win for the Searchers? I’d cal that important.” I’d tried to laugh along with the words but failed miserably.

Shay wasn’t laughing either. “Completely.

Separate. Issues.”

“I know.” I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer. “It’s just. Okay—you’re not going to like this.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “I just want you to tel me the truth.”

What if I don’t know the truth? What if my feelings
slip through my fingers like water every time I try to
grab hold of them?

“It’s not over,” I barely managed to whisper.

“What’s not over?”

“Me and Ren.”

“How can you say that?” he asked. “And why do you keep fidgeting?”

My heart froze when his eyes settled on my hand.

“What is that?”

“Nothing.” I tried to shove my hand beneath a pil ow, but he grabbed it and stared at the gleaming metal and deep blue sapphire.

“Cal a.” He spoke slowly. “What is this?”

I cleared my throat, trying to stay calm despite my pounding heart. “It’s a ring.”

“A ring.” When he touched the braided white gold band, I snatched my hand away.

“He gave this to you.” I felt his entire body tense against mine and I heard him snarl. “Didn’t he?”

I nodded. For a moment I thought he would shift forms and bite me.

“When?” he asked, his eyes stil hard.

“The night of the union.”

“Take it off.”

“What?” I pul ed a pil ow in front of me like a shield.

“Take it off,” he said again. “Why would you stil wear a ring he gave you?”

“I don’t—” I choked out the words. “If I took it off, I might lose it.”

“So?”

I didn’t answer, dropping my gaze.

“So when you say it’s not over between you and Ren, do you mean you’re stil engaged to him? Is that why you’re wearing his ring?” He sounded calm, but I knew he wasn’t. I could smel the torrent of emotions rol ing off him. His anger swirled between us thick as wood smoke, and beneath that something else. My chest cramped when I recognized the subtle, bittersweet scent of grief—dust and wilting roses.

“That’s not what I mean . . . but I can’t be with you.

Not like this.” My voice was shaking. “When he’s back there and God knows what is happening to him. To al of them. Shay, we
left them behind.
How can we think about anything else? I can’t. I just can’t.”

“But that doesn’t mean—”

“No.”

“Screw this.” He rol ed off the bed. “Go to sleep, Cal a. I won’t bother you any more tonight.”

My stomach knotted as he walked away. I fought the desire to run after him and instead rol ed onto my back, staring at the twinkling stars I could see through the glass ceiling and hoping that at some point sheer exhaustion would drive me to sleep.

I ran from Vail and that may have changed
everything, but I still don’t know where I belong.