Woman on Fire (28 page)

Your body is really good at giving you signals for what it likes, wants, or fears. Your thoughts can be helpful and they can also steer you off-track because of all that preconditioning we spoke about.

This idea of erotic authenticity is a foreign concept to most people. It requires a tremendous dose of self-awareness, self-reflection, and assessment. It's easy to be influenced by outside forces about nearly anything. With sexuality, outside influence is more potent and potentially harmful.

It's more possible to be inauthentic sexually for several reasons.
Most people worry about their “normalcy” when it comes to sex, which leaves them constantly comparing themselves to others. The more you live in a place of comparison, the harder it is to determine what's really right for you because you are always basing your ground zero on something outside yourself.

For instance, if your friends tell you they are having sex every day of the week and you are having sex once a week, you might feel wrong in how you are doing it. If your peers claim that a certain kind of sexual act is undesirable or judge that it makes you a “slut,” and you don't want to be viewed as a slut, you might do your best to avoid it or pretend that you don't like it when in fact you might like it very much. (Everything from sex on the first date, to anal sex, to bondage could be judged.)

So many roles and cultural and gender norms are attached to sexuality that to wade through it all to get to a place of what feels right for you can be very challenging. It's so easy to be influenced by outside forces, and many people are overly determined by them. In fact, it's nearly impossible to go through life without cultural influence and the temptation to compare. With all of that at work, how do you know when you are being erotically authentic?

If you live in a culture that teaches you that because you are female you should wait until marriage to have sex, yet you really want sex before marriage or you have no interest in marriage, you are apt to feel conflicted. Or if you learn that to be gay is undesirable, you may fight against your authentic same-sex desire in an effort to fit in. There are thousands of examples of ideas that you learn from your culture, and it is often so convoluted that it is a challenge to distinguish your true desires from what has been ingrained in you. To some degree, it's impossible to be truly free of these cultural ideas, but you can unlearn them and recondition yourself.

Perhaps the best gauge is how a particular act or belief makes you feel. You can feel like you betray yourself when you put yourself in a situation you know you don't want to be in. Doing things
sexually because it's expected of you feels pretty disempowering. On the other hand, doing something sexually because you really, really want to feels powerful, delicious—even joyous, because you are in alignment. The goal is to feel this way about your sexuality. It should make you feel alive and full of joy. Sex can be a huge joy producer.

SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING THAT IS INAUTHENTIC ARE:

• What emotions do I feel? (If you feel angry, sad, resentful, afraid, or other discordant emotions, that's a sign you are out of alignment.)
  
• Does it bring me joy and pleasure?
  
• Do I feel at peace with it or do I feel conflicted?
  
• Do I want more of it?
  
• Do I find myself fantasizing about it or thinking about it with a smile on my face?
  
• Do I wonder how someone else is thinking about me because of it?
  
• Am I afraid to talk openly about it?
  
• Am I wary, afraid, or skeptical about it happening again?
  
• When I am in it, do I feel alive?
  
• When I feel scared, is that because it's new and I am challenging myself and pushing up against my edges or is it because there is some real fear coming up that I need to pay attention to?
  

Sometimes you need to take inventory about your sexuality, and these are great questions to use for a quick inventory check about how authentic you are being in your sexual expression.

While working with me over the course of a year, Rain separated from her husband, moved out with her children, created a new home and a new dynamic with her husband, and began to date and fully enjoy exploring her sexuality in the ways she had wanted to for years.

I think one of the biggest struggles I have had is accepting the fact that I am desirable as a woman, and that it is okay to be desired. Amy Jo helped me come to terms with the fact that I was “okay” as I was and with what I wanted and needed in my sexual life to feel fulfilled as a woman.

I am finally in a place of understanding that desire is a healthy, normal part of the human condition and that denying it can have devastating consequences . . . and while, as a society, some desires are considered immoral, illegal, etc.,
feeling
a particular desire isn't necessarily wrong.

I found that my sexuality has evolved a lot since I started working on myself and allowing myself to move past my personal history and the limits that my parents and the church forced on me when I was a young person.
I am working hard to make sure that
I don't pass down the legacy that my mother handed
down to me by giving my four children a different
take on what is “normal and acceptable” in the realm
of sexuality.
I don't want my children to go through the struggles I've gone through. I want to be a better role model to my own children, and that has been one of the core pieces of the work I have done in the last year. My work has allowed me to be open, honest, and forthright with them about being non-monogamous, and hopefully that will be in their best interests as they grow themselves and they won't get caught in the same trap I was in for years.

Rain needed permission to explore her sexuality with multiple partners, to explore desires that were outside of the norm, and to be free in her sexual expression. She realized she could not do any of that in her marriage, and she finally felt permission to make her sexual life important enough to pursue it in the way that felt fulfilling to her. She was very interested in exploring what it might look like to be polyamorous, and she began to make that dream happen for herself. She healed many of her hurts and blossomed as a sexual being who was reuniting with herself.

I currently have two male (and have been with one female) partners, who are all open and accepting of my history, my sexuality, and my future, and are willing to hear about what I imagine my sexual life should be. All three have been willing to help me explore my sexual boundaries. I think that sexual fulfillment involves exploring all the possibilities, the boundaries, and my own personal limits and comfort zone . . . it is a fluid, lifelong learning process.

If you've been on the planet long enough to form a bond, you have already developed parts of your personal erotic language. The more experiences you have in relationships, the more you develop the language about what works for you, what doesn't work, what you need, and how you like to be loved and to give love.

Oftentimes couples experience big challenges because they have different love languages. One likes to be shown appreciation through gifts and the other by spending time doing certain activities together. One likes to be approached sexually in bold, direct, flirtatious ways, the other needs subtlety and a lot of buildup and anticipation. One likes a lot of affection, the other does not or has
lots of boundaries about how they want to be touched. One likes rough sex and the other likes tender touch.

No one is wrong. No one has to be one way. Sometimes you need to learn the language of your lover literally like you are learning to speak “Cedric” or “Chris,” “Sam” or “Tina.” If you care about being able to connect and communicate, you will take time to learn each other's authentic language. Otherwise it often will not work and you end up with two frustrated people who are not getting their needs met. Mismatched couples do it all the time.

Consider what your language is for the following aspects of your sexuality:

FLIRTATION:
How do you like to flirt and to be flirted with? Do you like a lot of eye contact, a lot of verbal exchange, bodily proximity? What turns you off? Some women are wary of flirting because it can feel like giving someone else permission for sexual acts. What if you just give yourself permission to flirt and be sexy without taking responsibility for others? It doesn't have to mean anything beyond the fun of the flirt, and flirting grows confidence.

AFFECTION AND TOUCH:
Affection and touch are really important. How much and where do you like to be touched? Are you a snuggler? A hugger? A hand-shaker? A hand-holder? PDA (public displays of affection) averse? Do you like to kiss in public? How do you like to be approached for kisses? Is making out exciting for you? Under what circumstances? Do you like backrubs? Massages? Rough hands? Rough touch? Tender touch? How do you like to explore your lover's body with touch? How do you like them to explore you?

CONNECTION:
How do you connect with friends, lovers, and family? Do you need to connect by regular phone conversations? Do you like to write or receive letters or cards? Sharing via e-mail or text? Do you like to share ideas? Do you like to do things together? Do you like to cook and eat together? Do you like compliments? Do you like to play music or share in creativity? Do you like to be quiet
together? Do you like sustained eye contact? How do you like to connect with people you love?

COMMUNICATION:
How do you address problems? How do you ask for what you want? How do you like to listen? How much time do you spend communicating about issues that come up? How quickly do you address issues of concern? Do you like to mull alone first or process immediately and nip it in the bud? How do you like to get feedback? Where is your communication skill level? Have you developed active listening skills? Do you know how to use clean communication without blame or shame? What makes it easier for you to say or hear things that are challenging? How do you take and give criticism?

HOW YOU SPEND TIME:
How do you like to spend time with people you love? What do you like to do? What environments do you like? Do you like to stay home or go out and be social? What kind of people do you like to be around? Do you like one-on-one time or the more the merrier?

APPRECIATION:
How can people best show you appreciation? What makes you feel good? How do you like to show you appreciate others? What do you like to do for them? What kinds of gifts do you like? Which ones don't you like? Do you like to get cards? Verbal appreciation? More time together? Acts of service?

SEX:
What is your preferred language of sex? Slow, soft, tender, rough, fast, hard, active? A lot of buildup and anticipation? Or do you like to get right to business? Do you like to take the lead? Do you like to be led? Seduced? Asked? Surprised? What sexual approaches work for you? What turns you off sexually? Notice how your language of power, appreciation, connection, touch, and flirtation all play into what you like sexually. If you bundled all this up into one package, what would be your ideal sexual experience? Its really not as much about the particular sex acts you like, but more about how all of these aspects of sex create a feeling and an experience that works well for you.

EXPRESSION OF NEEDS:
It's critical that you learn to respectfully make requests and express your needs. If you have worked on developing your communication skills and discovering what your needs are, then you should have success in getting your needs met unless you are asking someone who really lacks skill in this regard. This is no small part of the equation. Many people have tremendous lack of personal awareness and emotional skills, and your relationship with these folks will always be limited unless they are also working on developing those skills. You have to not only be able to express your own needs, but you must be honest about what the person you are in relationship with is actually capable of.

To effectively express your needs you first need to identify what they are. For many women this is a difficult step because no one has ever asked or they've never thought they could really have sexual needs. You've got to identify them first, and then say what they are, or you'll never get your needs met. If you identify a need but are having a hard time saying what it is out loud, then say that. “There is something I want to ask for, but I'm having a hard time asking.” Or set up a time to check in about your sexual life with your partner. “I'd like to check in about how our sex life is going. Can we make a time to do that?” Make it when you are doing something neutral, like taking a walk or cooking a meal, when you can talk in a relaxed atmosphere about how sex is going, what you like, and what you want to ask for. Regular check-ins about sex with any sexual partner are important.

POWER:
How do you want to exercise your power in a sexual context? Do you want to dote on them? Do you want to be chased? Do you want to do the chasing? Do you want to control your lover or be controlled? Do you want to seduce them or be seduced by them? Do you want to be looked at or be the voyeur? Are you the fucker or the fuckee? The dom or the sub? The sadist or masochist? Do you want to run the fuck or gladly follow the direction of your partner?

Often couples are completely mismatched when it comes to how
they work with sexual power. Power dynamics are an essential element to explore so you can find a balanced and synchronistic match. What if we identified attraction and sexual orientation not based solely on typically binary ideas of gender but rather took into account power, roles, dominance, and submission? It could be a much better way to organize our sexual relationships because these dynamics of power and desire are so important. If you get excited by being doted on or chased and you have a lover who is not oriented to chase, you'll be regularly disappointed. If you enjoy being dominant and express your power by a dynamic of domination and you try to create that dynamic with a partner who is not interested in submitting, it will never work. These are parts of your sexual power or desire orientation.