Woman on Fire (29 page)

People in the BDSM community are used to the idea of seeking partners who are a match in this way. But most of the rest of the world is not. We too often default to gender-based roles of men (or the more masculine partner) being dominant initiators and women (or the more feminine partner) being submissive caretakers—there to meet the needs of others and not ask for too much. I've heard countless stories of how women have had trouble expressing their needs and asking for what they want with male partners because it ends up backfiring: they are seen as too demanding and not ladylike, “bitches,” or some other uncomplimentary judgment about who they are as women and as sexual people. We are affected by this only if we buy into these roles and expectations.

The truth is that powerful heterosexual women have challenges before them in finding suitable mates. My experience is that it is hard for the vast majority of men to uphold and honor powerful women. They want them to be a bit powerful, but not “too” powerful, because then somehow their masculinity and dominant role could be destabilized. Many men continue to buy into these traditional roles because they have more to lose than women do. So even when these roles do not match a man's authentic self, it's hard to
change what they've been taught their whole lives: Dominate. Run the fuck. Yet that is also unfulfilling for many men.

It's impossible to remove all of the ingrained ideas about gender, power, and sexuality. If we could, we'd all be able to self-inquire and more authentically investigate our own relationship to and yearnings about power. It is within this cultural structure that has molded us and made us to believe many ideas about power, sex, and relationships that we figure out our own orientation.

The best way to figure it out is to explore it, step into it, enjoy it, see what it feels like. What does it feel like to dominate someone else? What does it feel like to totally submit to someone? This type of exploration obviously requires trust and a safe context for exploration. That might be with a lover, a friend, or a professional. Sometimes the latter is best and provides a more level playground for you to push your own boundaries and take some risks so you can learn about yourself. At the same time, understanding how you move with power within certain relationships is also valuable information, and a loving, connected, intimate relationship is a great place to explore the things you haven't yet reconciled.

If you are in an existing relationship and you want to explore sexual power dynamics, you could begin to do that by taking turns being total initiator and guide for an entire partner-sex session. Especially if that's not something you typically do, see what it feels like to choose the time, place, and type of sex you want and to direct your partner. You could ask nicely, direct them with your body, or just tell them what to do. You choose how you want to play it. Or try all three approaches.

One fun game is to blindfold your partner, and even tie them down, and then play with them. Surprise them with sensation from ice or by feeding them sweet, salty, or spicy foods. Use textures and toys on their body. Use sound. Think about all five senses and how you could give them a sensory experience. And have them do the same ritual to you. Ask yourself what feels good to you: being tied
up and blindfolded or doing the tying up and blindfolding. Or both. It's fun to play with power, control, sensation, and permission. Let yourself be creative in the way you offer control to your partner, or take it on.

We all have a sexual identity. As I discussed in chapter 2, people take on all kinds of identities based on many aspects of the sexual self and the things they desire. Some identities are very important to people—they help them place themselves in the world, find like-minded kindred spirits, form communities, engage in social, political, and cultural activities, and find lovers who are sexually compatible. Your identities have a built-in sense of permission because they become clear areas of exploration and self-expression for you.

Your sexual identity is an important part of who you are and of how you use your power. No one else chooses your identity—that is for you to do. Others might label you correctly or incorrectly, but only you get to discover and choose how you want to identify yourself in the world. Give yourself permission to identify your sexuality the way
you
want to.

Your sexual identity can be based on many things.

Here is a partial list of some of the identities people take on as they name who they are:

SEX/GENDER/GENDER IDENTITY:
cisgendered (someone who identifies as the gender/sex they were assigned at birth) man or woman, intersex, trans*, transwoman, transman, female-to-male (FTM), male-to-female (MTF), butch, femme, boi, genderqueer, genderfluid, non-binary (does not identify as man or woman in terms of binary gender) . . . hundreds of identities fall under sex and gender.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION/ATTRACTION BASED ON GENDER:
lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual, heteroflexible, pansexual, queer, dyke, fluid, just sexual

ORIENTATION TO SEX:
vanilla, slutty, kinky, pervert, stone (can mean a person is averse to sexual contact with their own genitalia and/or sexual satisfaction is rooted in giving rather than receiving sexual pleasure)

SEX ACTS:
There is a whole bandanna color system based on what people like to do sexually that has been used for decades in gay men's, queer, and kinky communities to help people find a match. Taking a cue from this strategy is helpful for anyone. Some people like anal, some don't. Some like to spank, some like to get spanked. Some just don't like spanking. Some like threesomes, some don't. You get the picture. There are so many sex acts people can put on high rotation.

RELATIONSHIP STYLE:
monogamous, poly or polyamorous, various degrees of open, non-monogamous, married, single, fluid-bonded (who you share body fluids with or practice unprotected sex with), mono/poly (a monogamous partner with a poly partner), swinger (heterosexual couples who play with other couples), monogamish (mostly monogamous with some play with others)

POWER ROLES:
dominant, dom, dominatrix, daddy, mommy, little girl/little boy, sub, submissive, bottom, top, service top, service bottom, masochist, sadist, doer, doee

FAMILY ROLE:
partner, lover, playmate, husband, wife, caretaker, primary lover/partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, co-parent, fuck-buddy, FWB, companion

I have witnessed many people have incredible breakthroughs in their sexual and relationship lives when they discovered an identity that worked for them. Having a way to talk about and name who we are feels good and is another source of personal power and
fulfillment. For instance, I've known several women who came to an identity of “lesbian” or “queer” later in their lives, thirties, forties, fifties even. As they were able to take on a queer/lesbian identity, they were able to embrace a whole new part of themselves in a big way. That new identity then opened up many doors to create LGBTQ community and/or to find other women or queer people to love.

We all have multiple identities, and this makes us complex creatures. I know queer married-to-men moms, gay dads, trans heterosexuals, vanilla queer people, kinky monogamous folks, and a range of other complex combinations. There are endless possibilities. Identities can be very fluid and may change many times during our lives depending on what is important to us at each phase. Sometimes we take on a new identity as we explore and develop a part of ourselves that was previously unacknowledged or less important, and that opens up a whole new area of erotic terrain.

You might be wondering how you begin to really give yourself permission if you have taken in messages that have kept your sexual life and sexual expression contained in a particular way for your whole life. There are several ways to begin to change your relationship to permission so that you can have more of it, which means more leeway to explore and more possibilities to stretch yourself and figure out who you really are as a sexual being.

Every perfect action is accompanied by pleasure. By that you can tell that you ought to do it.

—A
NDRÉ
G
IDE

There are several ways to practice giving yourself permission:

1. Remind yourself as often as you need to. Use the phrase “I give myself permission to . . .” and then do it.
   
2. Decondition yourself. Deconditioning is a process of removing the conditioning you have experienced around your sexuality and replacing it with new conditions, ideas, values, rules, or beliefs. Hopefully reading this book is helping you to decondition. It's a process and takes time. Be patient with yourself.
   
3. Practice saying yes to things you want or
   think
   you want to explore. If someone offers you something you would like, say “Yes, thank you.” Stop the patterns of denial that keep you in a “no” vibration and learn to be in a “yes” vibration. Learn to say yes to what you really want, whether it's a second piece of cake, a beverage, a favor, being accompanied somewhere or driven home, or anything small or big that you truly want. Start with small things: “I'm a yes for lunch with that colleague today,” or “That's a no for me—I actually don't feel like being social.” “I am a yes for cuddles and some kissing.” Or “I don't actually feel like being touched tonight. I need some personal space.” Just practice saying yes and no without apologizing, kicking your feet, or ho-humming all the way there.
   
4. Say no even to little things on a daily basis—if the food you order isn't right, send it back kindly and ask again for what you want. Don't settle for a steak that is cooked medium when you ordered medium rare. Practice your “no” when it's not a full-hearted “yes” as often as you can.
   
5. Be the first to say what you want when negotiating with a group of friends where to eat, what movie to see, or in making some other decision. Take your place at the table by making your choices and preferences known. Stop waiting for others to express opinions that you can then only react to. Be proactive rather than reactive.
   
6. If there is something you currently want sexually or want to try, give yourself permission to ask for it.
   
7. Likewise, give your partner permission for things you want—don't wait for them to try something or to figure it out. Examples might be: “I want us to have a date where we . . .” “I'd love to be awoken by oral sex sometime.” “I like when you touch me or make comments about my ass when I don't expect it.” “I'd love to be taken by surprise
   when you come home, thrown up against a wall, and fucked silly. Just want you to know that if you felt moved to do that, I would love it.” “I'd love to be told what to wear for a date, and to meet you as if we are strangers and have hot, first-time, one-night-stand sex.” “I'd like to put you over my knee sometime and spank you.”
   
8. Initiate sex. If you have not made a practice of being the sexual initiator, since many women learn to wait and be chased rather than to initiate what they want, practicing being the initiator will be a powerful way to own your own desire, give yourself and your partner permission, and have the sexual fun you want to have. Partners who are always in the top or initiator role usually appreciate it.
   
9. Be dominant. It can be very powerful for women to step into sexual dominance because we are not socialized to play a dominant sexual role. Learning to “top” sexually is also a powerful way to build your confidence. Most partners will appreciate the initiative and guidance. If you gave yourself total permission to “run the fuck,” what would you do? Be demanding. Be bitchy. Be a queen. Be a femme fatale. Be a wild woman. Be a seductress. Play.
   

ROLE-PLAY GIVES YOU PERMISSION

Stepping into a role is a great way to give yourself permission to explore a side of yourself you've never explored before or that you keep under wraps because it feels unsafe or unsavory. In a role, you can spread your wings of fancy and go for it. Choose a role you'd love to play sexually and costume up—play it full-out. As long as you get permission from your partner(s), go all the way. Have fun and play all in. Make your cowgirl, French maid, policewoman, faery goddess, schoolgirl, or teacher absolutely believable. Bonus points if you go out in public in role.