Woman on Fire (8 page)

I realized through my work that this fear stemmed from an inability to claim my voice (sexual or otherwise) and speak my truth. I now identify my sexual/creative energy, and my ability to tap into that to identify my needs and then go after them, as the main source
of my power. I learned to release my fear of rejection and to make empowering choices in my personal and sexual relationships, like walking away when I need to and always speaking my truth no mater how people respond.

I literally found my voice “between the sheets”—to ask for what I wanted, talk dirty, play around, and be completely open with my feelings and needs. This was very new territory for me—I was no prude by any means and I had experienced some very enjoyable and pleasurable sexual relations throughout my life—but this work led me to a place where I was able to experience
true
pleasure, bliss, and ecstasy; for the first time I was revealing my true self with no shame, no judgment, no blame, and no fear of rejection. I began to allow myself to be vulnerable—a place I had avoided all my life by shutting down and not revealing certain aspects of myself. I remember Amy Jo saying to me one day—and this was a huge revelation for me: “People around you love you, they want to help you—maybe you need to try letting them.“ And she gave me an assignment to ask three people for help in the upcoming week. That was the hardest and scariest assignment I ever got from her—because for me I did not know how to ask for what I needed.

Learning the language to express myself sexually and ask for what I needed in the most intimate and vulnerable situations in my life gave me the tools and the courage to do that everywhere else as well. This has led me to deeper places of self-discovery than I ever thought possible. It revealed to me parts of myself that I never even knew existed—I discovered fantasies that I never knew I had, and I learned how to voice those fantasies. Exploring my sexual fantasies in turn encouraged me to dig deeper into exploring my life fantasies, which has ended up being transformational for me and completely shifted my career, home life, friendships, and partnerships. I realized how truly essential our sexual energy is to who we are, to how we function, and to the space we inhabit in this world. I knew then that by finding my sexual voice I had been able to shift into my truest and highest self.

I have known many women who have internalized the story that the only way to be in a sexual relationship is through a monogamous marriage. Of course, you can be wildly sexual and totally fulfilled in a monogamous marriage. Yet some women keep themselves sexually closed off, and hold themselves back from sexual experiences they have wanted as married women. All of it based on a belief that it is somehow wrong or a sin to explore, or that they would be a “certain kind” of woman they don't want to be.

EXAMINING BELIEFS ABOUT SEXUALITY

1. IDENTIFY BELIEFS ABOUT SEXUALITY

On a sheet of paper, write “Beliefs about my sexuality that I've learned based on my story,” and make a list of them.

What have you believed about your sexual identity, your sexual ability, your sexual body, your relationships, love, intimacy, your power, your ability to make good choices, and so on. What are the beliefs you've been operating from?

Some will be positive, empowering keepers, and some will be disempowering beliefs.

2. ASSESS AND REWRITE YOUR LIST OF BELIEFS

Ask yourself what no longer serves you that you'd like to change. For every belief that is no longer serving you, write out the new belief.

Even if you aren't totally on board yet.

What beliefs do you now want to have about your sexuality?

Some Examples

1. BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY:
   A woman who makes the first move will be seen as a “slut” and, therefore, undesirable.
   MY NEW BELIEF:
   A woman who makes the first move knows what she wants and goes for it, and that's powerful and highly desirable.
   
2. BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY:
   Fat women won't find good sex partners, and I'm fat so I won't get to have great sex.
   MY NEW BELIEF:
   Many great sex partners are attracted to larger women, and there are great partners out there for me. My body is beautiful.
   
3. BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY:
   I don't deserve a good relationship/good sex because I cheated on my partner.
   MY NEW BELIEF:
   I learned a lot from my affair and it was an important experience for me. I do not have to keep paying for it by punishing myself.
   

Oftentimes such stories are attached to religious or cultural beliefs that can be very limiting to our sexuality. As we grow up and develop our own belief systems, sometimes we need to leave behind some of our religious beliefs in order to free ourselves. This can be a charged subject. I can't always say this to my clients. I respect a
client who is devoutly committed to her religious life. It's not for me to steer her otherwise. And sometimes people realize they have to make some choices.

It's important to acknowledge the role of religion and family culture in creating our belief systems because we are often at odds with these ingrained beliefs, and it can be difficult to extricate ourselves from them. So many clients have come through my programs needing to free themselves from limiting religious doctrine about sexuality. It can be an extended process depending on the depth of those beliefs and how attached a person is to them.

Excavate your own sexual story and create beliefs that are supportive of your own growth and who you are today. Rewrite the parts that don't work and accept your own agency in deciding how and to whom you want to tell those stories that are meaningful.

Your sexual story can play many functions for you in your life and relationships. Some of these functions are beneficial, while many are not. It's important to ask yourself how any given story is functioning for you. What is it holding in place? What need is it meeting? And is it in alignment with who you want to be?

Some of your stories can help you develop intimacy as you share the deeper parts of who you are with lovers, close friends, or family members. I sometimes share a personal story with a client if I think it will help her gain some understanding or not feel so alone in her journey. Your stories can also connect you to others with shared experiences. I gave the example of Take Back the Night, which is a space where people can create community for healing. There are coming-out support groups for young lesbian, gay, bisexual, and
transgender youth. There are couples' groups and asexuality support groups. Our stories and experiences often bond us to a community. Be willing to let go of a community that once served you but no longer does because you've healed or learned what you needed to learn. You could choose to keep the community members in your life in other ways without having to continue to identify with an outdated identity.

I already mentioned that many people will use their story to maintain their own victimhood. If you are using your stories to maintain your identity as a victim, it might be time to change your perception of your story and tell it differently, or stop telling it altogether. Many people keep their victimhood firmly in place for their entire lives and never choose to move beyond it. You can choose to have a different narrative. It doesn't change that maybe what happened to you was painful, but how you decide to relate to it is what becomes empowering. Maintaining an identity as a victim will never get you the empowerment you seek. Sometimes it's difficult to see how our victim self shows up. Everyone has one, and it's a part of ourselves to get to know and understand, yet we don't need to let that victim self be the core part of who we are nor of our story.

Our stories deepen self-awareness, understanding, and self-intimacy. I remember in graduate school having a deep cry after meeting a friend's thirteen-year-old daughter who looked a lot like me when I was her age. Seeing her tiny body and seeing her as an image of who I had been at the time of my early painful sexual initiation made me really mourn that experience. My own self-awareness was heightened, I saw new parts of my story, and I moved into a much more powerful place of peace about my history. As I moved into working with others, my own self-awareness helped me to relate,
and yet avoid projecting my experiences onto them, which wouldn't be helpful. Our stories often evolve as we do.

Sometimes you might use stories to hold yourself to particular standards. For instance, maybe you hold a standard of virginity or of what “good girls do.” You have stories about yourself that keep that standard in place or help you to depict yourself as a certain type of sexual person. “I'm not the type of girl to have sex on a first (or even a third) date.” “I can't have too much sexual enjoyment or it might mean I'm a slut.” Maybe you have an image of yourself as sexually adventurous, so to be that sexual globetrotter, you tell yourself you have to be into everything under the sun. “Anal sex? Of course. Fisting? Sure! Threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes? All the time! I'm the sexual adventurer.” Those things can be great if you really do want them. But if you are telling yourself to want things because it keeps a standard in place every time you get to tell your fantastic stories about your escapades, you have to be honest and ask yourself why you are making those choices, and come back to making your choices from a place of agency and authenticity.

Other stories maintain certain stereotypes, or gender or cultural role expectations. “Well, I have sex when my husband wants to, not really because I like it.” That's a common story women who have “duty sex” tell. They are continuing the behavior and tell the story because they want to be a dutiful wife and please their partner. The good wife. Is that the story you want to have? Is that the sex you want to have? I've met a lot of men who are committed to being “good guys” and respecting women. They will often subjugate their own needs and not acknowledge parts of their sexual desire so that they can uphold that image. Can you hold a story of being a good guy
or a good girl and allow yourself to have desires that are really yours even if they seem incongruent with the stereotypes you've learned?

The stories have a way of keeping the behaviors that go with them in place. What if you want to do something new or different? How do you deal with the dissonance when it challenges who you think you need to be?

Another way people use their stories is to make them a “fuck you” of sorts. “I fucked someone I'm not supposed to be fucking. So there. Take that!” It's common for adolescents to do this, but many adults never outgrow these immature patterns that keep distance between them and others. And usually there is a need to be superior in the “fuck you” stories, which actually indicates tremendous insecurity. If you are secure in who you are, you don't need to use a story as a “fuck you.” Time to stop posturing and figure out who you really are and what your true underlying need is.

One of my mentors, David Neagle, often says that when determining our own truth we must ask ourselves, “Does it set me free?” If it doesn't, then it's not true. I find this perspective so helpful in allowing people to parse through what is really going on with them and figure out what needs to be let go of and what to keep. You can get lost in your stories of who you are or why your sexuality is the way it is.

I highly recommend “The Work” by Byron Katie in order to question your thoughts and the stories you create out of them. She has developed a simple yet profound process to help people stop
suffering by questioning their thoughts and asking, “Is it true? How do I know it's true?” And then, “Who would I be without this thought?” The answer to this question can be so revealing. If you keep retelling yourself stories that don't set you free, you've got to find ways to interrupt these thoughts and tell yourself more empowering stories. You are not meant to be in constant pain over the stories you tell yourself. We've all had some, many of which relate to places of shame and trauma and are stories that need to be told, witnessed, and then released (more on that in the next chapter).