Woman on Fire (11 page)

“TRIGGERS” DURING SEX

You can get activated or triggered when you get touched a certain way, spoken to a certain way, are in a sexual position that takes you back psychologically to an abusive experience, or have some kind of flashback that takes you out of your present experience and into past trauma. You can also be activated about your health status, a disability, body image, or another important aspect of your sexuality that you have struggled with. The response to an activating experience can often be to end sex altogether. Sometimes that's what you need to do. Yet sometimes it's possible to move past it, or to stop to process something, change positions, or make some other kind of adjustment and keep going. If you feel like you don't really like sex at all, the cycle of feeling triggered can intensify. The more you avoid something that feels unpleasant, the more unpleasant feelings can grow.

A new way to approach triggering moments has four parts:

1. EXPERIENCE THE FEELING/TRIGGER:
   Notice the feeling coming up in you without judging it.
   
2. BRING AWARENESS:
   Recognize it as a trigger or an old program or identity. If you can, tell your partner it's happening so they can support you in the moment. Sometimes a partner might feel defensive or think it's about them. Let them know it's a tender place and that it's not personal. If they have a hard time understanding, decide whether you want to continue, make adjustments, or need to get more support. Not everyone will understand or be able to get it during an intimate sexual moment. Take time to develop strategies that work for you.
   
3. MAKE A REQUEST AND USE TOOLS:
   Whether you can discuss it or not, you can shift positions, let yourself
   cry, make an adjustment, or start to do something different. Make clear requests and allow yourself to move through in the way that's right for you. Taking care of yourself is vitally important, so do what you need to do for self-care. You will be able to more fully show up in sex when you take care of you.
   
4. REPLACE WITH A NEW SCRIPT:
   Thoughts are powerful. Remind yourself this is different—this is not your abuser, this is your partner or lover and they want you to enjoy sex, or you want to enjoy sex and not superimpose an old script or wound. Changing how you think about this situation or about sex will shift how you feel, and that awareness can ultimately change your patterns so the activation happens less.
   

If you don't want to have sex, don't. That never feels good for you, or for your partner if they are a conscious, caring human being. If you want to but you are having a hard time, know that triggers don't have to halt everything, and you don't have to stop and relive it every time. That's often unproductive. You can choose a different kind of sex or intimate act and learn to move past it more quickly or with less emotional expenditure. Shift the energy and come back to the present. Know that persistent triggers may require more support from a professional therapist and are often not easily overcome. Be patient with yourself, acknowledge your needs, and allow yourself the support and time you require to heal.

When Patsy contacted me, she was the youngest private client I had ever had. At twenty-three, she was ready to heal from the sexual abuse history that had impacted her life in more ways than she could even see. She wanted to become sexually empowered and to improve her relationship with her partner, whom she cared about deeply. She signed on to work with me for a year right out of the gate, in a commitment to deep growth and expansion, and I was often impressed by her thoughtfulness, maturity, and depth.

My father sexually abused me from the age of three to nine years old, at which point he confessed and went to prison. Over the years, I have experienced so many different emotions about this. Grief, shame, confusion, rage. My mother collapsed emotionally and spent the next decade of my life trying, with limited success, to heal. It was just the two of us, so as she battled with depression, anxiety, and a soul-crushing guilt, my emotional needs often went unmet. I
tried to take care of her so she could take care of me—I learned to censor myself, to never say anything that could possibly be hurtful, to do nice things in order to make amends when I, inevitably, couldn't make her happy.

When I began having romantic and then sexual relationships, these patterns played out again and again. I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted, how to speak up when I was unhappy, how to be with someone else's unhappiness instead of running for the hills. I experienced a lot of anxiety around consent and boundary setting—my attempts at both were confusing and fragile. And, for the most part, these challenges were reinforced by cultural norms. Most of us are not taught how to handle conflict in healthy ways. Most of us are not taught how to communicate our sexual needs—or, for women, even value that we
have
sexual needs. I was under the impression that my partner should know what I wanted and give it to me—and when they turned out to be incapable of reading my mind, I felt incapable of reaching out. I actually broke up with my first boyfriend by simply refusing to speak for hours until he gave up and left!

I did a lot of work exploring my history and the ways it plays out in my present. I needed to identify patterns before I could release them. Possibly the biggest breakthrough for me was learning to honor my behavior as it was. So many of my worst habits came from a desire to be good—ways of not upsetting anyone, of making others happy, of getting my needs met however I could. When I honored that I am and always have been
doing the best that I can,
instead of beating myself up for not being perfect, I found I had some space to relax. In that space, I began to love myself.

Sometimes you don't like sex the way everyone around you seems to, and trying to make yourself or convince yourself to like it is a losing game. If you don't like what people are telling you to like, don't pretend to.

I want to say something people don't often say in our culture: it's okay not to like sex. What is hard is when you are in a relationship with a partner who likes and wants sex and you don't. You might not be the best match, or you might need to create an arrangement where your partner can get their sexual needs met in another way. Nothing is wrong with either one of you; you have different needs. You want to make your partner happy, you want your partner to be able to have a sexual life, but you don't want one—at least not the way they do.

If you find a partner who shares your dislike for sex, then that could work for you. Sometimes that's the best match, and it does happen, but more often one person ends up forsaking themselves: either the person who dislikes sex has sex they don't want to have, or their partner denies themself a sex life (with others at least) because they want to be with their partner who does not want sex. That's not a great situation for either person.

If you want to heal this so that you don't dislike sex—if you really want to want and like sex—then that's different. It requires some diligence to change the wiring so that you can feel excited about sex and enjoy it. It requires giving yourself permission to take it slow and to figure out what you really do like. Sometimes women think they don't like sex, but it's because they've just never had great sex and their bar is so low, they don't know what “good sex” is. You and your partner will have to be patient as you discover what a sexual life could look like without false expectations or a particular form of sexual conduct you think you
should
have. There is no true “should” that is right for everyone. Find your true north in sex.

DISSOCIATION

Sometimes people dissociate from their bodies entirely during sex, during medical exams, or in other vulnerable situations. Dissociation is a process where the mind temporarily distances itself from the body or the present experience because it is too much for the psyche to process. This loss of connection may affect you psychologically and might affect your sexual functioning. It can be hard to stay present during sex for a person who dissociates. If you are having sex you really do not want, a common response (especially with a trauma background) is to dissociate. Cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, touch therapy, and mindfulness practices can be really helpful in changing patterns around dissociation.

Walking around focused on your insecurity as a sexual being and being afraid of sex or your desires keeps you fragmented and unable to embrace the sexual life you could have. As Patsy let go of her anxiety, she was able to show up in her sexual relationship in a way she never had. Even if her fear came up, she learned to speak it anyway and build a connection rather than the distance and disconnection she had unwittingly become adept at creating.

When you are in a close relationship with a lover or friend, one way to deal with insecurity and fear is just to name it when it comes up, and that can open the door to dialogue that otherwise feels hard. “I'm feeling insecure right now, but I'd like to be closer to you.” “I'm feeling fear and anxiety about having sex tonight. Can we discuss what we are up for?” It's so simple, and it works. If the person you say it to is caring, they will help bridge the gap and come closer to you. Let go of the insecurity and fear, or see the fear, acknowledge it, and move forward anyway. Fear is an indicator that there is a piece of learning for you to gain. See it as a gift and a guidepost for what you might need to move through or beyond so you can heal and grow.

The more you can let go of your preconceived ideas about how love, sex, and relationships have to look, the more you can create the relationships you really want. The co-creation that can happen in a loving relationship of any type is beautiful when we can show up as our full selves, ready to do the work and be present. Let go of attachments that relate to needing to control or have things your way.

You might have other things you are attached to because they are a real boundary for you. You have limits. You draw that line in the sand and you don't go beyond it because that's what is right for you. We all need boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are healthy. They are how you teach people to treat you. So ask yourself, “Is this a healthy boundary? Or is it an attachment to a particular way of being or outcome?”

Identities are an important way we assert who we are in the world. Sexually, they often help us connect the dots about our behavior or inclinations. As I've discussed, sometimes we are carrying old identities that no longer serve us or just are not an accurate depiction of who we are anymore, and they keep us small. Stop identifying with the things that don't light you up. Your entire life is a creation, so keep creating yourself. Avoid getting stuck being someone or something you really are not or don't want to be anymore. Letting go of an identity can mean losing a community or special relationships, yet we always fill a void and maybe you'll find a new community that is more aligned with who you are today. Don't get stuck being an old you because you are afraid of loss. Ask yourself what you might gain if you stepped into something new and more authentic.