Wyatt (12 page)

“Morgan,” she whispers.

“She’s fine. Morgan is alive. She’ll be here any minute. She was booked in a few hours before you, but she’s fine,” I reassure her.

Then her hands drop to her abdomen and her face distorts for a moment, as if she’s in pain. But it’s only for a moment before her features settle into a blank stare.

There is one look that’s worse than the daunting one I’ve been seeing. It’s the one she has now – desolation.

“He tried to cut you from me,” she says, and even her voice is void of emotion. She tilts her head to the side, as if she’s deep in thought. “He said the cuts were to let the pain out, that I would feel better, that I would-” she stops and her face distorts again, only for a moment before she closes her eyes. She drops her head to my shoulder.

After a few minutes I pull back, only to find she’s out cold. She’s fallen asleep. I lay her back and pull a chair closer.

The door opens and Morgan is wheeled in by Nurse Rhonda. “She just fell asleep,” I whisper.

“That’s good for her. She needs lots of sleep,” Nurse Rhonda says. “You want to stay a while, Honey?” She asks Morgan who has bruises all over her face. “I can come and get you later and take you back to your room?”

“Thank you,” Morgan murmurs, her eyes never leaving her sister.

Nurse Rhonda leaves, closing the door behind her. Morgan takes hold of Scarlett’s hand. She leans forward and I see her flinch, pain flits across her features, but she doesn’t let it stop her from caressing some of Scarlett’s hair.

“She asked for you,” I whisper.

Morgan’s eyes find mine and I see the worry and pain reflect in hers. Then her face crumbles and tears fall down her cheeks. “She begged him to let me go. She put her life in danger to save me.” Morgan shakes her head. “Why, Wyatt? Why does she trust you but not me? She won’t talk to me. She’s locked me out of her life and I don’t know how to get back in.”

I lean forward, leaning my forearms on my legs. I look at the polished floor, wondering how much I should tell Morgan. She can help Scarlett. She’s her sister.

I clear my throat and keep my eyes on the floor. “She just doesn’t want to worry you, Morgan,” I whisper. “She took your parents deaths pretty hard and she just recently found out she’s got diabetes. It’s not that she didn’t want to tell you. She just didn’t want to worry you.”

“She’s sick?” Morgan asks, her eyes never leaving Scarlett’s face. “We were always so close. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t come to me.”

“Because she loves you so much,” I say the only thing I can think to say.

We both sit in silence and watch Scarlett sleep. Hours later Scarlett’s eyes snap open. They dart wildly over the room and I’m just about to get up when Scarlett’s eyes fall on Morgan.

“Morgan?” she whispers, but it’s as if she’s not sure it’s her sister sitting next to her.

“Scar,” Morgan breathes her name and leans closer. “You’re going to be all right, honey. I’m right here.”

“You’re really here?” Scarlett asks again, and it’s as if she doesn’t even see me. She only sees Morgan.

Morgan caresses Scarlett’s cheek and smiles a heartbroken smile. “I’m really here and when you’re sick of this place you’re comin’ home with me so I can take care of you,” she says.

Scarlett holds onto Morgan and I really feel like I’m not needed.

Morgan can help Scarlett.

Scarlett doesn’t need me.

~*~

Chapter Sixteen

Scarlett~

Morgan has become my lifeline. I don’t think she understands how much I need her.

But I’ve lost Wyatt. Not that I ever had him to begin with. But that connection we had, it’s gone.

It feels like it’s been cut from me.

He’s been visiting before and after work. But with the connection gone the distance is growing wider every day. He’s just drifting away and I can’t stop him. I don’t blame him. Who would want someone like me?

Morgan is coming to pick me up any second now.

My eyes keep going to the door, as I watch for her. Eventually I get up and go to the window.

I feel anxious. It feels as if something’s chasing me, deep inside. The memories keep popping up. The feelings overwhelm me. I’ll be doing something and I’ll suddenly feel his touch, or smell his sweat. I’ll hear him breathe. It’s driving me insane.

I feel empty. He’s cut everything out of me.

I hear the movement behind me and terror roots me to the floor. It numbs my legs and sends painful prickles over my arms and abdomen.

I try to breathe and the sound is awful. It drags down my throat, but it doesn’t make it to my lungs. My throat squeezes it right back up, rejecting the air.

Wyatt said he’s dead. He can’t be here.

I need to calm down.

But I can’t. I grab for the bag of medicine they gave me and I empty it on the bed. I need the bottle with the calming pills. The doctor said to take one when I felt the panic building up.

My hands are trembling too much to keep the container still that I struggle to open it. The awful sounds of my gasps for air fills the room like an orchestra of pain out to torture me.  But then another sound breaks through it, Wyatt’s voice. My head snaps up and I watch him come to me.

“Breathe for me,” he says, but I can’t. I try and I can’t. He frames my face and brings his mouth to mine. “Feel me breathing you?” he asks and I nod. “Now, breathe me.”

I take a painful breath and it squeezes down my throat to my lungs. I take another and I bring my hands up to cover Wyatt’s hands as I breathe him in.

“I tried so hard, Wyatt,” I start to cry. “I fought but he was stronger. I want you back. I never knew I had you until he cut you from me.” I cry harder when I realize the impact of the empty feeling inside of me. “I want you back. I don’t want you driftin’ away.”

“I’m still here, Scar. He can’t take me away from you,” he says, but the words fall hard on my concrete heart.

He kisses my forehead, just like he’s been doing for the past three days.

“Come, Morgan’s waiting,” he says.

It’s time to go back to a life that’s no longer mine.

~*~

Morgan is waiting right outside and it’s only then I realize Wyatt’s not in uniform. My reactions and instincts aren’t all there yet. It feels as if I’ve hit a slow-motion button somewhere in my brain.

“You’re not workin’ today?” I ask him, when it’s clear he’s come with Morgan to pick me up.

“No, I have somethin’ to take care of today,” he answers vaguely and it just shows how big the gap between us already is.

When we walk out to his car I go for the back. The sooner I accept there’s nothing left between us the better for me.

“Scarlett, you sit in front,” Morgan says, with a reassuring smile.

I just shake my head. I’m out of words right now. It’s all too heavy in me. If I could I’d walk home.

Then it hits me I don’t even have a home.

He tainted the one place I made my own. I’ll have to find a new place to stay.

But for the next week I’ll be staying with Morgan. I can think about a new apartment tomorrow.

I slip in the backseat. I’d like to curl myself into a ball but I can’t, the cuts hurt. Instead I just press into the door and hold myself as best I can.

Morgan went to get my things. I’m really grateful for that. It saves me having to go to the apartment right now. I don’t think I’m ready to face it yet.

Standing in the room she prepared for me, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to sleep and never wake up. There’s no pain when I’m sleeping. There are no memories.

“Scarlett,” Wyatt doesn’t come into the room. He leans against the wall, in that casual way he always does.

“Thank you,” I interrupt him. I haven’t thanked him yet. “For findin’ me. Thank you for-” I stop. I want to thank him for killing him. Will he think I’ve lost it then?

I hate Jeffrey and I’m glad he’s dead. I hope he rots in hell. Is that wrong of me?

Wyatt just looks at me, as if he can read my mind. He looks sad.

Just thinking of him makes him real again. I can feel his clammy breath over my neck. I feel his fingers wrapping around my throat. I hear him breathing. He might be dead but he’s very much alive inside of me.

Wyatt pushes away from the wall and takes a few steps into the room. I hate this uneasiness that’s come to settle between us, it feels as if it’s pushing at the very air I have to breathe, making it so much harder.

“I read the statement you gave,” he starts again. “I’m sorry I left you there with him.” I look around the room, searching for something to focus on. My eyes fall on the packet with the pills and I zoom in on it. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you safe.” His voice sounds distant. I know I should respond. I should tell him none of it is his fault. I should tell him he has nothing to be sorry for.

Words whoosh through my mind and the harder I try to focus on one the more chaotic they become.

And then a memory floats up out of the chaos and I grab at it with both hands.

“Remember I told you people take each other to the grave? No matter how much they care for each other, they end up destroyin’ each other.” I don’t wait to hear if he remembers. “I’ll only destroy you. Because of me you killed a man and you’ll blame me one day if you don’t already.”

He starts to shake his head and I grind my teeth to not break down. I need to make him understand.

“You’ll blame me. It’s what people do. They destroy the ones they love most.”

I hear him move and I tense. Every muscle in my body tenses to the point that the cuts start to ache.

The first thing I feel when his hands frame my face is his warmth, but I still close my eyes, for a few seconds. Darkness doesn’t bring peace anymore. When I close my eyes I hear him, I feel him. I snap them open and look into Wyatt’s eyes.

I can’t look at them long and drop mine to his mouth. I watch the words form. I watch them come out. “Scarlett, take the time you need to heal. You take all the time you need, but know when you’re better I’m still gonna be here. I didn’t kill that fucker. I sure wish I had, but I didn’t take the shot, it was Zac. My only regrets are lettin’ you walk out of my apartment and not findin’ you sooner.” His one hand drops to my chest, right over my heart. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.” He presses against my heart and leans in closer. “He didn’t cut out your heart. I’m right there waitin’ for you.”

I take a step away from him. I’ve said all I have to say. I have no fight left in me.

I’m tired. My soul is tired.

~*~

I wake up gasping. I grab for the container holding the precious pills, the ones that will release my heart from the dreadful ache.

The water tastes bitter and thick, and I swallow hard to get it down. I can’t stay in the bed, confined in between the four walls. I open the door slowly, careful to be quiet, and I tip-toe to the living room. I’ll be able to see the sun rise from there.

I’m in for a surprise though. Morgan’s already there, sipping at a cup of coffee. She smiles when I come in.

“Want some coffee?” she asks.

“Please.” I follow her to the kitchen and watch her make it.

Once she’s done we head back to the living room.

“Come on,” she says. She opens the door and we head outside. It’s still dark, but it’s what I need. I need to feel the crispness of the day on me.

We sit down on a couple of garden chairs and watch the sun peek over the horizon, just drinking coffee.

“Remember when you stole my make-up? You wanted to use it, but you ended up destroying it,” she says suddenly. “I was so angry with you but then you explained why you took it and I understood. We took Momma’s make up and I taught you how to put it on. “

“Yeah, I remember,” I smile at the memory. I had so much fun with her that day.

“It’s the same thing now, Scar. You’re keepin’ stuff from me and it hurts. You think I won’t understand.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Please tell me. I might be able to do more than understand, I might be able to help.”

My bottom lip starts to tremble and I bite it. “How did you get over Momma and Daddy’s deaths so fast, Morgan? I can’t stop thinkin’ of how alone Daddy was after Momma died, how he cried for her.”

“It’s not a matter of getting over it, Scar. I didn’t get over them passin’. I still miss them, but they’re in a better place now. They’re together again. They had the kind of love that would last forever. I really believe they are happy now.”

“Really?” I ask. I never thought of it that way.

She smiles at me and nods. “Yeah, they’re up there dancin’.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re sick?” she asks.

A tear slips free and runs down my cheek. I wipe at it and then say, “I hate it. I hate that it makes me tired, that it has the power to end my life. I hate it so much, Morgan. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry.”

Morgan gets up and comes to kneel in front of me. “Sweetheart, don’t you know by now that I would worry about you always? You’re my baby sister. It’s only natural for me to worry about you. I love you.”

The tears fall faster after hearing her words. “I love you too,” I whisper.

She hugs me to her and the words spill from me, “He hurt me, Morgan. He hurt me so bad, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.”

She rubs her hand over my back and presses a kiss to my hair. “Emma once gave me a quote,” she takes a breath and then says, “The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. I think she said it’s one of Poe’s.” She pulls back and frames my face with her hands. “I think we give people an awful lot of power over our souls. People can hurt each other but it’s up to us whether we’ll let them become monsters.”

She doesn’t need to say anything else. Somehow she’s seen right into me. She’s seen that he’s alive in me. The monster. I don’t know how to kill him.

Later that day Morgan peeks into the room. She comes in carrying a radio. “So … I’ve been thinkin’ really hard about which song I should play for you, but I think I found just the right one,” she says.

She presses play and I listen to the opening piano keys fill the room and then a tranquil voice fills my heart. The song closes with the lyrics;
“Now comes the night, feel it fading away. And the soul underneath is all that remains. So just slide over here. Leave your fear in the fray. Let us hold to each other, till the end of our days.”

“Now comes the night, by Rob Thomas,” she says and I wipe at the tears.

My sister knows how much I love music and that song was just what I needed.

~*~

It’s over dinner that I mention to Morgan that I want to move into a new apartment.

“You sure about that?” she asks.

“Yeah, I can’t go back,” I say. I hope she won’t ask why. I won’t feel safe going back there.

“It’s a big decision to make,” she says. She puts down her utensils and smiles an encouraging smile at me. “It doesn’t help to run. It’s better to face it head on.”

I push my chair back and take hold of the table to steady me as I stand up. Morgan and I will never see eye to eye, not on this.

“Please excuse me,” I walk to the kitchen and take my insulin from the fridge.

I’m feeling too calm as I do this. I go to the room and pack the few things I brought along back into the bag. I hear Morgan busy with the dishes as I sneak out.

It’s when I’m halfway down the road that I text Morgan. I thank her for everything and ask her not to worry about me, that I have to do this on my own.

I ignore my phone and turn left into the first road that comes up. It’s dark out. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m doing it.

I’m just doing. I’m just walking. I think a lot.

The streets start to look familiar and I make my way to my apartment, but I can’t go in. What’s the use of having a home if you can’t go in? Every time I try to take a step toward the stairs my throat starts closing up, but I need the keys for my bike. I need to change the clothes for work clothes. I need to get back into some sort of routine. But, I first need to get inside so I can get my stuff.

I don’t know how long I stand staring at the apartment block. Cars come and go, people come and go. And then one stops. Lights flash, coloring up the area around me.

“Ma’am, are you ‘kay?” I hear the voice behind me. I stand rooted to the pavement. I keep staring at the block of apartments. The man moves around me and when he comes to stand in front of me, blocking my view of the apartment, I see the blue uniform.