Wynn in the Willows (25 page)

“Ruth, you and Steve go on home. My boat hasn't been put up for winter, yet. I'll take Wynn up the shore to my place and we'll go out for a just a few minutes.”

“Oh yes, please, please, please.” Wynn placed her hands together as she turned to her dad with plea-filled eyes.

“Well, if someone goes out, it will be me in the boat with Wynn.” Dad was insistent. “I'm the captain and Wynn is my First Mate!”

Overjoyed, Wynn clapped. There was the odor of water over stones and the musk of decayed fall leaves, a wild, fragrant sensation filled the air.

“Come on!” Dad led the way. It seemed to grow colder by the minute since there were only a few hours of daylight left, but Wynn felt icy hands and toes were well worth it. By the look on her dad's and Roxie's face, they felt the very same. She couldn't see her mother's face, but she felt tension.

They stood on Roxie's dock together. Dad's voice was soft, explaining in uncomplicated terms what they were about to do with the toy boat. Wynn nodded her head, pretending she understood, wanting so to please her dad.

Dad removed the tarp from the inboard and reached towards the pier to help Wynn into the boat. He strapped a life jacket on her.

Ruth reluctantly hopped into the boat.

“Come on Roxie, you're next.” Dad held out his arms to her.

Roxie hung back. “I think this is a mommy—daddy—Wynn event. I'll watch from here. Everyone needs a cheerleader. I will be yours.”

Dad's face caved. He nodded, and then untied the boat from the slip.

Mom started the boat and she slowly drove through the choppy water as an occasional cascade of lake water rained over them.

Wynn remained portside, close to her dad, while Mom kept her eyes locked on the sea before her.

“This is far enough from shore!” Dad called, cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting.

Mom slowed more and cut the motor.

Dad leaned over the side and placed the toy boat in the water, aiming it towards shore. There it went, dipping in and out of the waves.

They clapped and shouted “Hurrah!” Suddenly it disappeared from sight.

“We need to go in, Steve! It's freezing and we are all soaked to the bone!” Ruth called. More words were said between them.

Wynn rubbed her forehead and tried to remember them.

Her mother started the boat again; then turned and aimed for shore. That's when they caught sight of the toy boat again, seemingly out of gas and at the mercy of the water bouncing it about. Mom got as close as she could without running it over, but it seemed as though the waves took the big boat in one direction and the toy boat in another.

“Get closer Ruth! I can almost reach it.”

Wynn pictured the extension of his arm, his wide hand, and the long fingers reaching towards it, a few inches too short. Then he leaned out even further, his waist over the side of the boat. Now he hung precariously above the water. Just as his fingers touched the tip of the toy, a large wave pushed the big boat sideways causing him lose balance and drop overboard, landing in the water at the same time his head hit against the boat.

Blood painted so many swirls and twirls in the water. His unconscious form drifted down, down, down until Wynn could no longer see him.

Wynn screamed and opened her hand. The toy boat dropped to the road and cracked. She knew why no one wanted to tell her the truth about her dad's death. No one wanted to tell a six-year-old she killed her dad.

 

 

 

 

30

 

“Hello? Are you all right?” a man in a convertible stopped. “Can I fix that flat for you?”

“What? Yes, please.” Wynn felt disoriented. When the new tire was on, she offered money which he waved off.

Wynn started up the car and found a place in the road to turn around. She drove too fast towards home, expecting to be stopped at any moment, but what police golf cart would try to chase her down?

Wynn staggered into the cottage reaching for the back of an empty armchair in the living room where she collapsed. Flinging her head and arms down over her knees, she sobbed.

Roxie knelt in front of her. “Are you all right? Wynn, tell me what happened.”

“I remember now.” Wynn looked up with a tear streaked face.

“Remember what?” Roxie asked with trepidation.

“I killed my dad. It's my fault. He took me out on the water when the weather was too bad; mom warned us, saying we shouldn't go. But I kept insisting. No wonder you wouldn't tell me.” Wynn moved to the floor to be closer to her aunt and wrapped her arms around her, needing her more than ever.

Roxie rocked Wynn in her arms. “You didn't kill him, honey. But I wanted you to remember for so long and now I wish you hadn't.”

Wynn pulled back, choking on her tears, gasping for air and looking at her aunt. “I needed to know. I just have to find a way to live with it now.”

“You will find a way through this. We both will.” Roxie pushed Wynn to arm's length. “Wynn, look at me. You did not cause your dad's death—you witnessed his death, and then blocked it out of your memory for many years. A lot of things happened, or didn't happen that day, that contributed to it. You were just a little girl wanting to see your boat run in the water. I was an adult and knew better. Much better.”

“Don't blame yourself. Roxie, please forgive me. When I tell you about something, you will never forgive me.”

“I'd forgive you anything.”

“Not for this. Ever since I came to the island I thought you and Dad had an affair. Ridiculous. Don't you see how wicked I am?”

Roxie's eyes widened. She got to her feet and walked to the windows which overlooked the lake. “No. Not totally ridiculous.”

Wynn stopped sobbing. She got up from the floor and moved to the armchair. “You and my dad had an affair? Did Mom know?”

Roxie turned from the window to face her niece.

“Please tell me, it's time for family secrets to come out.” Wynn sighed heavily. “For a while this summer I even thought you were my mother.”

“If only. If only.” Roxie sat on the footstool in front of her and ran her hand around Wynn's face. “But I will tell you everything. It is time.”

“Good.” She breathed out.

“Remember our talk the other day when I said all the clues are in front of you?”

“Like this one?” Wynn pulled the cracked boat from her backpack and set in between them.

“So that's how the memories came back. Yes, I put that in the wheel well.” Roxie held Wynn's hands. “It was important that you find the facts of your life—to remember them on your own. I didn't want to taint your memories.”

“But there are still gaps. Things I never knew. Things I need to know. What was your relationship like with my mom? Sheri said you two got along really well.”

“Not true, but don't blame Sheri for the misinformation. She doesn't know. The truth is your mother and I never got along. Our mother, your Grammy, used to say that we fought one another even in her womb.

“As toddlers we knocked one another off our feet. In elementary school there was fierce competition about who had the best grades, winning the most awards, being teacher's pet, who our parents loved best. During high school there was less competition, thank goodness, because we started to change and become individuals. Ruth was a cheerleader, I played in the band. I began waitressing to save for college; while your mom chased boys and browsed catalogues for dish patterns. I wanted a career and she wanted marriage.” Roxie laughed with the memory. “Then I met someone the summer before college. Steve Baxter.”

“Dad,” Wynn said with a voice filled with love.

“Yes, your dad. The first look at him and I was smitten. Forever smitten. He was the love of my life.”

“Is he still the love of your life?” Wynn asked.

“It's been so long Wynn, I just don't know, but probably.”

“Maybe Dad is the reason why you never married?”

“I never married because I never met anyone who measured up.” Roxie dabbed at the tears in her eyes with her fingers. “Here come the tears, even after all these years.”

“It's OK to cry. Tell me more about the triangle; You, Dad, and Mom.”

“What an appropriate name for us. Steve knew my dream was to be a teacher. He also knew that would put me around a lot of new men. So, to keep me faithful, he gave me a promise ring before I went off to college. Here I was semi-engaged when it was Ruth who wanted marriage. But Steve changed my thinking about so much. About everything. We had so much fun when we were together. We talked far into the night. Oh, how that man made me laugh!” Roxie seemed wistful. “I came home every chance I could to be with him. He loved the island and wanted us to settle here. I didn't mind. Just being with him was an adventure.”

“So what happened? How did Mom get involved?”

“I was gone a lot, as one is when at college. Steve became lonely. I had my books for comfort. Steve had your mom. It started with visiting your Grammy and Gramps, and of course, Ruth was always there. As a result of both being lonely, they began doing things together—as friends many times do. And feelings between them budded, and then grew. I spotted it right away when I came home for Christmas during my junior year. I was heartbroken. Soon after I went back to school, Steve called to say that he loved Ruth and asked for me to release him from his promise to me. I returned the ring. The pain was searing.”

“How long did they date before they married?”

“About six months. It was a lovely wedding. I was the maid of honor.”

“That must have been brutal on you.” Wynn squeezed her aunt's hands, offering comfort.

“Yes. And in some peculiar way, Doug reminds me of your dad.”

“Doug?” Wynn found this strange. “You loved Dad, but he reminds you of Doug, whom you dislike.”

“It finally occurred to me that the reason I distrust Doug so much is because he reminds me of your dad who left me for your mother—not once, but twice. The staggering hurt I still feel to this day, at times, thinking of what might have been. I loved him so much. I don't want unrequited love for you.”

“Tell me more about my parents.”

“Ruth and Steve were married that summer, under the maples in our parent's field. Our parents gave their home to them as a wedding gift, and then returned to live on the farm on the mainland.”

“That doesn't seem quite fair to you.”

“Oh, I was given this cottage as my inheritance.” Roxie explained. “There were problems between your parents from the start, but I didn't spot it for months. I must admit I was very wicked because I was pleased about it. After all my sister had snatched the man I loved right out from under my nose and now she was paying the price. Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

“I did my best to keep my pleasure in check. I knew my feelings were wrong; sinful, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to be married to your dad. I wanted to have children with him. That desire never stopped. The following summer I tried to stay away. Instead of coming home, I worked on the mainland so I wouldn't see Steve, or your mom. What was wrong they had to fix. And to this day, I still feel as though I was the right choice for Steve—well, if it wasn't for you.”

“You said you were hurt by Dad twice.”

“Yes, when I was hired as an elementary school teacher here on the island, his attention slowly returned to me. Your mother didn't go away physically like I had done when I went to college, but she became remote. Chilly. Icy. That pulled your dad and me even closer. He was lonely in his marriage. I was lonely in my singleness. We were the ones who had that first connection.

“While your mother was lost in her world, he turned back to me. I think he gradually fell in love with me all over again. He said your mother and he had very little in common. We even talked of being together. Excuse me for saying too much, Wynn. This has got to hurt you—but this happened all before you were born.”

“Knowing the truth helps heal me. How did Dad end it with you?”

“One day, your dad and I met at our secret place in one of the coves. He told me he decided to stay with Ruth—end of discussion. So, for the second time, I fell apart.”

“I'm sorry.”

“You are sweet to say that, dear. But I am the one who is sorry. The day your dad died, your mom didn't want to go to the beach, but your dad and I insisted. We had the control over going or not going—not you—not your mother—and together we overruled. It had been many years since your dad and I had been alone together. But I was still trying to prove to him that I was the better choice for him. When we were at the beach I brought up the idea of taking my boat out because I was trying to demonstrate that I was the fun aunt, the better choice to be your mom. I stood on shore, watching you all go out into the lake.

“The waves were terrible—just as your mom had said. Instead of staying, I decided to go back to the house and make hot chocolate for everyone. I had just gotten to the house when I heard sirens. You and your mom were on a boat flailing about in rough seas, while your dad had drowned feet below. I did so many things wrong, selfishly hoping to be with Steve again; wanting you as my daughter. I am a terrible, terrible person.” Roxie sobbed into her hands.

Wynn let her cry for a good while as she assimilated the new information. “We were all culpable in some way. Dad didn't wear a life jacket either, did he?”

“No, not that day.” Roxie looked into Wynn's eyes. “Don't hate me.”

“I don't hate you. I love you.”

“I would give anything if that was the truth.” Roxie searched her eyes.

Wynn slowly pulled her backpack up on her lap. She unzipped it and reached inside. “I have something I swiped from the bank box.” Wynn handed her aunt the timeline. “I'm sorry I took this.”