X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (8 page)

Pack the courts with obedient dunces!

Stipa basilicas stipitibus obsequentibus!

Arrest protestors on trumped-up charges!

Infer commenta crimina seditiosis apprehensis!

Invade other countries pretty much at random!

Infer forte temere bellum aliis gentibus!

What could possibly go wrong?

Quid nobis infeliciter fieri potest?

Modern Vatican Latin—
SERMO LATINUS HODIERNUS IN VATICANO

On the advice of counsel, I have decided to testify in Latin

Iurisconsultus mihi suasit ut testimonium dicerem Latine

My patron saint, Miranda, appeared to me in a vision and told me to remain silent

Patrona mea, Sancta Miranda, apparens mihi somnio me iussit tacere

Whom are you going to believe, me or some snot-nosed little boy, no matter how cute?

Utri vos convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?

Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate

En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt

What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?

Si Orationum Dominicarum decies centena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?

The devil made me do it!

Diabolus me coegit peccare!

Learned Latin for Lovers—
SERMO LATINUS DOCTUS AMATORIBUS

I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?

Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant—quo signo nata es?

I think it was Pliny the Elder—or was it Pliny the Younger?—who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink

Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem—aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem—instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere

Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas

* Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”

** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.

Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the
Aeneid
after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?

A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?

In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning

Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane

Classical Kiss-offs—
VALEDICTIONES ANTIQUAE

Kiss my basilisk

Basia basiliscum meum

Bite my zither

Morde citharam meam

Lick my licorice stick

Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum

Suck my aqueduct

Suge meum aquaeductum

Tune my lap trumpet

Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero

Lollipop my toga lizard

Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit

Lip-read my trouser scroll

Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi

III
Sermo Latinus Eruditus
Advanced Latin

Useful Syntax—
SYNTAXIS UTILIS

IMPERATIVE

Futue te ipsum

Go fuck yourself

IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT

Utinam tete futueres

Would that you would go fuck yourself

FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION

I fututum te ipsum

Go in order to fuck yourself

INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB

Te oportet futuere tete

It behooves you to go fuck yourself

PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC

Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es

It is required of you to go fuck yourself

POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE

Velim te futuas

I should like you to fuck yourself

SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE

Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum

I beseech you to fuck yourself

GENITIVE OF PURPOSE

I tete futuendi gratia

Go for the sake of fucking yourself

FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID

Si te futuas, gaudeam

If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice

FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID

Se te futueris gaudebo

If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice

PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT

Si te futueres, gauderem

If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing

PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT

Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem

If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced

FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD

Tete fututure, te saluto

You who are about to go fuck yourself, I salute you

FUTURE IMPERATIVE

Tete futuito

Make it your policy to fuck yourself

ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE

Te fututo, gaudeo

You having been fucked, I rejoice

You Know You May Be a Roman If . . .
SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI  . . .

. . . you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb

. . . saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris

. . . you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes

. . . credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios

. . . you can eat and have sex at the same time

. . . simul cenare et futuere possis

. . . you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight

. . . umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis

. . . you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep

. . . nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio

. . . your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt

. . . discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis

. . . you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves

. . . quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus

. . . you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other

. . . possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae

. . . you compliment the chef by throwing up

. . . coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes

. . . you have a personal poisoner on your staff

. . . unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius

. . . the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves