Read X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Online
Authors: Henry Beard
X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (4 page)
You want a part of me? Bring it on!
Visne partem mei capere? Comminus agamus!
Are you dissing me?
Insultasne tu miki?
You’re yesterday’s news
In actis diurnis iamdudum es celebratus
You’re toast
Mox corvos pasces
You don’t know your ass from a catacomb
Non possis distinguere tuum podicem a Puticulis
Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town, Rome has eight hills
Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles
* Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town Rome has eight hills
** Kiss my basilisk!
Your mother is so ugly, when the gods turned her into a pig, she thought her prayers had been answered
Mater tua tam turpis est ut cum di eam mutaverint in porcam, suas preces putaverit eos audivisse
Your mother is so stupid, when she found a coin with Caesar’s name on it, she tired to return it to him
Mater tua tam stulta est ut cum invenerit nummum ferentem nomen Caesaris, huic eum restituere conata sit
Go ahead, punk—make my day
Age, catamite—fac mihi hunc diem felicissimum
Road trip!
Iter faciamus!
Let’s party hearty!
Pergraecemur!
Wet T-shirt contest!
Certamen inter mammosas tunicis madefactis vestitas!
Go ahead, card me. See, I’ve got a Latin ID. I’m 2,000 years old.
Age, scrutare chartam identitatis meam. Ecce, est mihi syngraphus Latinus. Duo milia annorum sum natus.
I’m wasted!
Crapulentus sum!
I’m going to hurl!
Vomiturus sum!
Country Music Favorites—
MUSICA RUSTICA FAVORABILISSIMA
Si Telephonium Non Tintinnat, Ego Voco
If Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
Causam Tibi Dabo Bibendi
I’ll Give You Something to Drink About
Quomodo Una Nocte Facta Tam Turpis Es?
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
Si Dies Hodiernus Esset Piscis, Reicerem
If Today Was a Fish I’d Throw it Back
Mater Cape Malleum, Musca Sedet in Capite Patris
Mother Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head
Si Me Deseras, Liceatne Mihi Te Comitari?
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Quomodo Te Desiderare Potero Si Non Discesseris?
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
Per Anulum Illa Trusit Digitum Medicinalem, Ac Ostendit Mihi Digitum Medium
She Got the Ring, and I Got the Finger
Tu Causa Es Cur Liberi Nostri Tam Turpiculi Sint
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Sine Te Tam Miser Sum Ut Videaris Etiamnunc Adesse
I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus
Wassup?
Quagis?
Nothin’, watching the game
Nihil ago, ludos specto
True, true
Vero, vero
It’s off the hook
Ab unco remotumst
Talk to the hand, the face don’t understand
Adloquere manum, facies nescit quid velis
Black togas are cool
Togae atrae lepidae sunt
Want to see my sword collection?
Vin’ aspicere collectum gladiorum meum?
I’m thinking of taking a catapult into the school cafeteria . . .
Cogito ferre catapultam in cenationem scholae . . .
Graffiti—
INSCRIPTIONES LATRINALES
Make love, not war—hell, get married, do both
Suscipite amorem, non bellum—eheu, iuncti matrimonio, suscipite utrumque
Procrastinate now
Procrastina rem nunc
Flush twice, it’s a long way to Texas
Evacua cratera latrinalem bis, Texas procul est
If it has tits, tires, or testicles, it’s nothing but trouble
Mammeatae, rotalia, testiculati, omni modo molesta sunt
Gods are dead
Di mortui sunt
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder
Cervesia pota, pulchritudo cernitur
Yankee, go home—and take me with you
Americani, redite domum—ducentes me vobiscum
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Si quidem animalia nobis edenda non sunt, quare constant ex carne?
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t
Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt
It
is
as bad as you think, and they
are
out to get you
Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur
Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?
In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?
Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog—Dorothy
Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco—Dorothea
If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?
Kill Barney
Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum
Where did you learn to drive—fleeing from Huns?
Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?
That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.
Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.
Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.
Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.
Okay, tailgater—time for a brake check
Em, ichneumon—tempus est sufflamina temptare
Big car, little dick
Currus magnus, mentula minuscula
You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.
Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.
* That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!
** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?
Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?