You Are the Reason (13 page)

With Maxine still on his shoulder, Lee embraced me. “I’m sorry.”

Sorry? It wasn’t Lee who needed to be sorry. Some days, when something happened that reminded me of Mr. Henley, I would get the urge to google the man’s name and track him down. Just a small beating—like the gay guys and the weaker boys in the class would get on a daily basis under his tutelage. Just a small beating—like maybe breaking both of his legs.

But it was something I always managed to resist. What would it solve? It would only show the man how much of a “macho” guy he’d made me into. He wasn’t worth the time—or the jail sentence. I just wished I could figure out a way to help others who had gone through the same thing.

Lee’s arm was around my back, and his forehead resting on my shoulder, giving me his sympathy. I told myself I didn’t need it. I was tough. I was a man.

He pulled back and brushed a light kiss across my jaw. “I’ll have a glass of anything that’s cool and nonalcoholic.”

Right. Cool. Drink.

I handed Lee the pink blanket I was still holding in my hand and fled the room. The cold air from the refrigerator didn’t help with the heat blossoming on my face from a simple touch of lips to my skin. I found some lemonade in a bottle and poured us both a glass.

By the time I got back to the lounge room, Lee had spread the blanket out on the floor and was playing with Maxine. She was lying on her back while he jingled a toy above her head.

“Here,” I said, placing the glass on the side table. “And I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. I would’ve had to wake Jake or Patrick without your help.”

He smiled at me from where he was propped up next to the baby. “It was no problem. I was headed down to The Tav to hopefully catch up with you and prove that I can go out dressed as a guy. So coming here was definitely as good. Probably better, because now we can talk without shouting.”

Talk?

If there was one thing I didn’t do with the guys I hooked up with, it was talk. I mean, apart from “Do you have a condom?” and “Are you okay?” There wasn’t much more to say, was there?

“Umm….”

There was an awkward silence before Lee snorted and laughed at me, “You really don’t do relationships, do you? I thought you were joking when you told me that.”

“I told you that?”

“Yes, on the first night we met. How to challenge a guy? Tell him he can’t have something. You told me you weren’t into the dating scene and the relationship mumbo-jumbo—your words, not mine—and so I immediately felt the thrill of the challenge. Now I have three dates with you lined up.”

Oh, yeah. He did, didn’t he?

Lee flicked me a sly and rather saucy grin. “You were comfortable talking to me when I was wearing a dress. What’s changed?”

The sexual tension.

I knew that immediately. The first night with Lee, I had no sexual interest at all. The second night, there was some, but it was mostly confusion on my behalf. Because I was gay and he was a girl. Or at least I thought he was a girl.

But we were both guys, both interested, and I was unsure what to say. Because there was one thing I knew. “Do you have a condom?” were not the correct words.

Lee sighed. “Okay. I’ll start. How about you tell me who Jake and Patrick are, and why they’re exhausted?”

Oh, good. A conversation I could manage.

“Jake’s one of my best mates. He met Patrick about a year ago. Patrick hired Jake as his housekeeper, and I guess they hit it off. He moved in with Patrick just before Christmas last year, and Maxine was born in June. She hasn’t been sleeping. Reflux, Jake said. So I sent him off to bed to catch some sleep. Patrick stumbled in the door from work about an hour later, so I sent him off too.”

As if Munchkin knew we were talking about her and suddenly realized she was missing her dads, she gave a little cry. White fluid appeared in her mouth and spilled over onto the blanket.

Great. More clean up.

I raced into her room and found the wipes. Lee was holding her upright when I got back, but she was crying in earnest now. A little baby wail that pierced my heart with the misery in it.

“Jake said she hurts when she lies down. So he was holding her upright,” I explained.

Lee held her on his shoulder and patted her padded bottom. But she cried. He held her to his chest and rubbed her back. But she cried. He paced the room, jiggling her slightly while he patted her back. But still, she cried. She wailed and screamed, and was not happy at all.

So he passed her over to me, and I tried holding her and rocking. But she cried. I sang to her and did laps of the large rug in the middle of the room. But she still cried. And cried.

Then I remembered the shirt. “Here, Lee. Help me on with this contraption,” I gasped and grabbed the sling. It took longer to work out than it should’ve, for two men who were supposedly intelligent. Then, we gently placed the baby in the pouch and shoved Jake’s stinky shirt between my chest and Maxine. She whimpered and cried pitifully, so I walked, rocked, and jiggled, until finally the cries petered off and then stopped, altogether.

I froze in place, unwilling to make a sound or motion that might set her off again. “She’s asleep,” Lee whispered.

I looked at him with wide eyes. “What do I do now?”

“Don’t move,” he replied with all seriousness.

I totally empathized with Jake and Patrick, at that instant. I had been at it only a couple of hours, and I was exhausted. How did they do it all day? I looked at the clock. 10:30 p.m. Could I stand in the middle of the room for another eight hours?

Lee thought I could. He sighed in relief over the silence and smiled. “How about I fetch us another drink? I’ll be back. Don’t move.”

Bastard.

With a soft tread, I crept back to the lounge where I previously was watching TV. She had slept fine while I was sitting there. Moving at a snail’s pace, I lowered myself to the cushions. She stirred, but thankfully didn’t wake. Lee returned with our drinks and curled up on the lounge beside me, one knee pulled up as he faced me and the baby.

“Wow,” he murmured quietly. “How stressful was that? One little baby?”

I grimaced. “And only for an hour. Imagine doing that for weeks on end?”

He agreed with my sentiment and wrinkled his nose. Then he reached out to the baby with soft hands. He touched her head. “It just may be worth it, though.”

I was shocked. “What? Children? You want children? Aren’t you gay?”

His answering smile was disbelieving and a little sad. “That teacher certainly did do a number on you, didn’t he?”

“What do you mean?” I was tired. I was confused.

“I mean, gay men are still capable of raising children. They
are
allowed to have children, you know. Aren’t Jake and Patrick a gay couple? With a baby?”

“Yes,” I said, “But that was an accident. Sort of. The baby was there, and Jake….”

I trailed off.
Holy shit.
Jake was a gay man with a baby. I was a gay man who could….

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” Lee said. “The possibilities are endless when you accept that there are no set limits, no set rules. That you can do anything
you
want and stuff the rest of the world.”

He picked up the remote control and switched on the TV, leaving me perplexed but with maybe a little bit of hope burgeoning in my heart.

S
CREAMER
STAYED
silent for two hours, and it gave Lee and me time to snuggle on the couch some. I was upright, with a pillow stuffed behind my back so I could recline for the baby on my chest, yet still remain upright. Lee leaned on me or rubbed my thigh or sometimes took my hand while we watched a movie.

I really didn’t have any experience with the snuggle-on-the-lounge part of being with a guy. I knew the does-this-cubicle-have-enough-room part, and do-you-think-anyone-will-see-us-here part, and even the who-has-the-lube part. But the merely being together and not initiating sexual contact was new to me.

Then Maxine woke and began to cry again. I decided it was probably time for another bottle—thankfully Jake had left me three, so I still had two left—which then started the shit-like-there’s-no-tomorrow merry-go-round.

I bargained with Lee and agreed to add an all-day outing to our date tally plus a movie night in exchange for him taking care of the nappy business. Then came the crying for an hour.

We strapped Maxine onto Lee’s chest, added Jake’s shirt, and began our pacing—fifty laps each. Then we changed over and allowed the other person to do the pacing while we sat melting into a puddle of anxiety on the couch.

The clock was showing nearly 2:00 a.m. when Cherry Blossom finally bowed to exhaustion against me. Lee slumped tiredly on the lounge.

“I’d better get going,” he said. “I have a hot date tomorrow night, and I need my beauty sleep.”

My heart immediately sank, which alarmed me. I wasn’t getting attached to Lee, was I?

“Yeah? Who with?” I asked. “Bobby?” Then I kicked myself for sounding like a jealous prick.

Lee smiled and leaned over to place a tender kiss on my mouth. It was a sign of affection, rather than sexual intent, since we were both too tired to do anything, even if I weren’t attached to a sleeping child.

“No, silly. It’s you.” He kissed me again then got to his feet and stretched. “I’ll text you my address and make the restaurant booking, okay? Can you pick me up at six?”

A deal’s a deal, right?

I agreed with a nod. “Okay. Thanks for coming to my rescue tonight.”

“You’re more than welcome. It was somewhat interesting, and I learned a lot.”

I frowned at that. “I thought you already knew about babies?”

“I wasn’t talking about Maxine, Dave. I’ll lock the door on my way out. See you soon.”

“Davo,” I called to him softly. I heard a giggle, then the door latch closed.

What did he mean he wasn’t talking about Maxine?

I
THOUGHT
I did well to manage to sleep for three hours, propped up on cushions, so I wasn’t horizontal.

My neck and my back disagreed with me.

Cherub woke me at five, asking for more milk for her hungry belly. I was an expert by then. Bottle, nappy, pace. Repeat as necessary. Call me in the morning.

Being mid-winter, the rain was pouring outside, and the sun hadn’t bothered to rise from its slumber. Suddenly Jake appeared in the doorway in full distress mode. He was wearing boxer shorts and not much else, and for a moment, I panicked, wondering what the emergency was. Until Jake strode forward and snatched Miss Maxine from my arms.

“Hey,” I protested. “I just got her to sleep.”

But Jake didn’t hear me. He was busy checking his daughter for signs of mistreatment. Patrick flew into the room behind him.

“Did you find—?”

“Yes,” Jake answered him. “She’s here with Davo. She seems to be okay.”

I protested at that. “What did you expect me to do to her? Beat her black and blue? She’s just a little baby.”

I watched as Jake allowed Patrick his cuddle, greeting and loving the daughter they adored. I was busy watching the tender look on Patrick’s face, so I completely missed Jake’s intention. He took two steps forward and punched me in the gut.

“Ugh.” I doubled over in pain and surprise. “Fuck. What was that for?”

Jake scowled at me. “For scaring me to death. You were supposed to look after her until Patrick came home. One hour. That was it. I knew Patrick would wake me after a few hours, because he gets upset when Maxine’s upset. So how do you think I felt when I woke twelve hours later and found Patrick asleep next to me?”

I rubbed my sore stomach and glared. “You were supposed to feel fuckin’ grateful that I stayed up with your daughter all night.”

Jake’s expression went from angry to peeved to pissy. Then he rolled his eyes. “Fuck you. I
am
grateful, you twat. For staying with her, you get breakfast. But I want a minute-by-minute recitation of the last twelve hours over the pancakes I’m going to cook you.”

The guys got dressed and took their precious daughter into their bedroom, where her big, mean, scary Uncle Dave couldn’t monopolize her anymore. I got the coffee started in the machine, and to get revenge on Jake for punching me, I deliberately sprinkled the bench around the machine with coffee granules.

Jake was a neat freak, and I knew it would piss him off.

I was right.

He threw an exasperated look in my direction—which I deliberately pretended not to see—and grabbed the cloth from the sink. Patrick carried Maxine to the table and took a seat next to me.

“Thanks for looking after Maxine last night, Davo. I think Jake and I will do a lot better now that we’re both thinking straight. I can’t believe how much tiredness warps your mind.”

I spoke a little louder than I needed to so Jake could hear me over the banging and clanging of pots and bowls. “That’s more than okay, my good friend Patrick. I was happy to help out and let you get some sleep. And thanks is the only reward I require for my good deed. I don’t need hugs or money or presents. I don’t even need overwhelming gratitude or something like… uhhh… like a punch to the gut? I only need you to say thanks.”