You Are the Reason (11 page)

I shook my head in amazement. “How did you know? About the TV and Maxine and all?”

He still looked confused and took another step closer. “I can hear the electronic buzz of the screen and feel the warmth of the radiation on my face, telling me there’s a light on. I can smell Maxine. But Jake’s not here? But….”

“Jake’s asleep in the bedroom,” I told him. “You can probably smell Jake’s shirt, because I know I sure can. Maxine’s sleeping on it so she thinks I’m her daddy.”

“Oh.” Comprehension flashed across his face, and then relief. “Jake’s getting some sleep?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Yes. People need to do that occasionally.”

He understood my subtle dig and sat heavily on the lounge opposite me. He let out a huge sigh and clasped his hands together. He looked worn out. “I know, Davo. I just never thought that having a baby would be so… hard. I’m selfish. I realize this. I want it all. But Jake’s so wrapped up in the baby, I… miss him. Maxine doesn’t like me, so I….” He sighed. “It’s probably best. I can’t do much.”

I shook my head. “That’s utter bullshit, Patrick. You’re Maxine’s daddy. She loves you too. And I know you love her as much as you love Jake. And now is the time Jake and Maxine need you the most. Don’t fuck this up by feeling sorry for yourself.”

“But she cries when I hold her,” he told me plaintively.

I was sympathetic but firm. He needed to be reminded of the truth in the matter, not the girly emotions that could cloud issues. “It’s not personal. Jake says she’s in pain.”

“I can’t stand it,” he said longingly.

Now wasn’t the time to give in to his self-pity. “It’s called being a father, Patrick.”

He nodded sadly and moved next to me. He cupped her delicate head as it rested on my chest. “She has the power to break my heart, Davo.”

I swallowed loudly. “That’s what love is all about.” I touched his shoulder. “Go to bed, Patrick. Go and crawl in with Jake while I’m holding down the fort. Get some sleep. Jake needs you. Maxine needs you. Get some sleep while you can, because tomorrow is another day, and I’ll wager Maxine is gonna do her damnedest to scream the house down again.”

Patrick leaned over, kissed Maxine’s downy head, and stumbled off to the bedroom. I sighed and vowed to never let someone mean so much to me that I would rather push them away than see them suffer.

A
N
HOUR
later, I was willing to take Patrick’s suffering, multiply it with Jake’s suffering, and take it to the power of Maxine’s suffering, if someone would just come and rescue me.

The first bit of childcare had been easy. When Maxine awoke I tipped the powdered formula into the bottle of water as Jake had instructed and fed it to her. Easy. Simple. Done.

Then, Maxine—the child of Satan himself—cooed sweetly at me, grunted once, and produced so much shit that it poured out the side of her nappy, through her clothes, and even into the cotton blanket she was wrapped in.

Then, as the most unholy stink you could ever imagine began to fill my nostrils, she gave a baby giggle and pumped her legs back and forth, ensuring that the smell and mess spread exponentially. I picked her up, raced her to her bedroom, and plonked her down on the changing table—just as my phone began to ring in my pocket. The sides of the plastic changing-table mat were shaped to discourage a rolling baby, but I placed one firm hand on her stomach as I quickly answered and put the phone on speaker. I placed the device on the set of drawers beside me.

“Hello? Oh… ugh. Oh gross, child. How could you do something like that?” Surprisingly she looked happily at me and waved her arms around. Perhaps she was happy that something that terrible was now outside her body instead of inside.

There was a pause at the other end of the line. “Umm…. Davo?”

I slowly unwrapped the pink blanket from Maxine’s body and glanced at the stain spreading down the material of her onesie. It was the color of cheese in a McDonald’s burger. “Oh, my holy spirits. How can shit be that color?”

“Dave? Dave? Are you okay?”

I looked away from the mess I was responsible for cleaning up and stared at the phone. “Lee? What do you know about changing nappies?”

“Nappies?” There was a tinge of disbelief in his voice. “You weren’t joking about the babysitting, were you?”

“No,” I moaned. “And is baby shit supposed to be yellow?”

There was an odd choking sound from Lee. I think it might’ve been laughter. But no human would laugh at such misfortune as mine. It was unthinkable.

“Baby shit can be any color from yellow to brown to green,” Lee told me. “As long as it isn’t blue, pink, or purple, then it’s pretty normal.”

With a touch of excitement, I stared with longing eyes at the phone. “You know about baby shit?”

“I’ve changed my niece’s and nephew’s bums a million times,” he said.

Hope blossomed. “You wouldn’t happen to be anywhere in the Bicton area would you?” I asked eagerly.

There was a heartbeat as Lee comprehended what I meant. “Let me get this straight. You ignore me for a week, then send me a text message that says nothing at all, then ask me to come and help you change a nappy on a baby?”

I shrugged. “Not exactly. I ignored you for a week because Mr. Magic 8 Ball told me to. Then I sent you a message that said nothing because I’m a douchebag, and I didn’t know what to say. Now I’m asking you to come and change this nappy for me. I’m not talking about ‘help’ at all. If you come, I will hand you this stinker and you can do it all yourself.”

“You’re an arsehole, do you know that, Dave?” he said affectionately.

“Davo,” I corrected and rolled the baby to her side to examine the extent of the mine field. “Oh, fucking hell. The shit is all up her back.”

“Oh, Christ. Give me the address. I’m sitting at The Tav, so I’m not far away.”

I recited the address, then said, “I don’t think this is natural, Lee. This is going to need full protective clothing like they use for the bomb squad. Or maybe for an Ebola outbreak.”

I heard laughter. “No. It needs an entire packet of wet wipes, a plastic bag to dispose of the dirty wipes and nappy, and a cast-iron stomach. Be there soon.”

He rang off, and I stared at Maxine’s little rosebud mouth. There was a child’s mobile hanging above the change table, and she stared at the pink and purple fairies, rainbows, and unicorns dancing merrily. “Miss Maxine,” I told her. “You are the grossest child I’ve ever had to babysit. Now don’t go telling me you’re the only child I’ve ever had to babysit, because that’s beyond the point. I’m telling you right now, Missy, that even if I signed up for childcare classes tomorrow and worked my entire life looking after other people’s babies, you would still be getting the crown.”

For one heartbeat, I considered waking Jake to take care of the mess, but Lee said he was on his way over, so I allowed Jake to sleep. Although it was beers on him for the next forty years.

There was a snowy white towel folded up and sitting on the edge of the drawers, so I quickly spread it out across the floor mat. The mat was pink—ugh. More pink. And I contemplated laying Maxine and her shit straight on it because I would be doing Jake a favor by ruining that bit of masculinity-squishing decoration. But I’m a nice guy. I spread out the towel and gently placed Stinker on it.

With Maxine safely tucked away from falling, I rushed to find supplies—rubber gloves, buckets, plastic bags, and wet wipes. I couldn’t find any face masks. I would have to buy my friend some. No man should be expected to deal with that sort of stink on a daily basis without protection.

I raced and unlocked the front door for Lee, then pounded over the floorboards, back to my charge. Entering that room, after being in the fresh air of the house, was like… I really didn’t know how to describe it. But it was worse than knowingly walking through a swarm of bees.

I dialed Lee’s number. “Oh, my God, man. You’d better be here soon,” I told him as he answered. “Someone’s going to call the cops about the dead body stinking up the house in a minute.”

He chuckled. “I’m nearly there. Just start taking her clothes off.”

“Shit. I need hazard pay for this. Even Rambo didn’t have to do something as ugly as what I’m about to attempt.” More laughter from Lee. I’m glad someone found my situation amusing. “The front door’s unlocked. Come on through the house, and follow the stench. Only keep the gagging sounds down, because her two dads are getting some much-needed sleep.”

“Okay. See you in two minutes.”

I picked up Stink-Bomb from her bedroom floor and carried her back to the change table. Halfway there I realized that I should’ve already been wearing the gloves, because her back was wet and warm—and we all knew what that was from.

“Ugh. Seriously, Maxine? You need to watch what you eat, little girl.”

I laid her back on the plastic mat and quickly grabbed some of the wet wipes to scrub at my palms. Then I studied her clothes. She was wearing pink again. I genuinely had to buy her some other color. Jake’s retinas were probably hurting from the amount of femme he had to look at. It appeared as if her suit had press studs all the way down the front, and down both legs. Easy. Right?

I gently began pulling them open, only to discover she had another layer on underneath. This time a white singlet. I kept pulling the buttons undone—six, seven, eight—until I’d uncovered the disposable nappy and a pair of chubby legs.

“There.” I sighed in relief. “Now your buttons are undone, you can simply step out of them….” I trailed off as I realized how stupid that was. I was going to have to get up close and personal with the goop I could see.

I tried to breathe through my mouth as I pulled on the rubber gloves. I opened the wipes in readiness and charged into battle. I pulled one foot from inside the onesie and examined the damage. Not too bad. I grabbed three wet wipes and began to clean the mess. Then the next leg—only to discover my mistake. While wiping the second leg, Stinkaroo was busy waving the first leg—back into the muck inside her clothing.

“Argh. Maxine. Don’t do that. Look—just pull that leg up… and then…. Shit.”

“Davo?”

Lee’s quiet call was like a chorus of alleluias. The cavalry had arrived.

“Oh, thank goodness. Help me, Lee.”

He entered the room, and I told myself it was solely relief I felt when I saw him. He was dressed casually—blue jeans, a white shirt with a collar, and a burgundy knitted jumper over the top. The tone of the jumper really accentuated his hair and brought the color of his lips out. The man could certainly wear red.

I watched as he blanched a little at the smell but charged into the fray regardless. “Oh, man,” he groaned as he inspected the damage. “You weren’t joking when you said it went everywhere.”

“Maybe we should just take her outside and hose her down?” I suggested in all seriousness.

“Davo, she’s baby, and it’s freezing outside. Haven’t you ever changed a nappy before?”

“Hell, no.”

“Then why are you babysitting? Didn’t her dad show you the basics?”

“Her dad was about to pass out from exhaustion,” I explained. “And I offered to babysit in a moment of weakness. Don’t worry. This is the first and last time. Ever.”

Maxine gave a cry, as if to remind us she was still there and still covered in shit. Lee hurried forward. “Okay, now. This is the plan. You’ve got the gloves on, so you’re on wipe duty. I’ll hold her, you wipe.”

“Right,” I agreed. I probably had the yuckier job, but at least I had the gloves.

Lee eased her little arms out of the suit and picked her up. I whisked the material away and dropped it into the bucket. Now we had to get the singlet off.

“Damn. It’s going to have to go over her head,” Lee groaned. “It’s going to get in her hair.”

“Maybe we can cut if off her instead?” I proposed. “I’m willing to buy her another if Jake protests the loss of one little singlet.”

Lee’s lips pursed together as he looked at me skeptically. “Are you willing to put a pair of scissors near her skin?”

I paled. My balls were big, but not that big. It was going to have to go over her head after all. This wasn’t going to be pretty. Lee showed that he was rather deft in undressing a baby as he slipped her tiny arms through the armholes. Then, stretching the material, he raised it over her head and gave me a quick look. “Ready?”

I nodded, and he pulled the baby into a sitting position. The white material stuck to her back, so I peeled it off and tried not to gag. “Oh, my holy….” Words escaped me. There was no definition for that.

“Quickly, Davo.”

I threw the singlet in the bucket and snatched desperately at the wipes. I washed away the yellow stuff, one handful at a time. It was everywhere.

“Make sure you get it all,” Lee coached me. “Even the folds of her skin. You don’t want that stuff left there.”

It seemed to take forever, and we hadn’t even got to the nappy yet. Finally Lee laid Stinker back down and gingerly opened the tabs of the disposable. It was not good.

“Wipe, for God’s sake,” Lee gasped out. So I went to work while he pulled the nappy out and threw it with the dirty wipes in the plastic bag. I was halfway through the packet when I stopped and surveyed the result.

“Do you think that’s enough?” I asked.

There was a slight pause from Lee that clued me in to the fact that what he was about to say was not pleasant. “You need to go in, man.”

I was horrified. “In?”

“Yeah,” he said sadly. “In. All the folds need cleaning. Especially with a poo this bad.”

My blood froze. “In? As in inside her…?” I still couldn’t say the v-word.

Lee nodded.

My breathing accelerated in fear. I shook my head. “I can’t, Lee. I just can’t.”

“She could get sick.”

I looked down at the baby in desperation. Then I took a quick look at the business end. Nope. No. Nada. No way. I couldn’t do it.

“I’ll give you anything if you do it for me,” I pleaded.

“Anything?”

“Anything,” I confirmed. “Money. Jewels. New car?”

Lee narrowed his eyes. “Three dates,” he bargained.