You Are the Reason (4 page)

I tried to watch TV at night, but all that was on were movies like
Knocked Up, Look Who’s Talking, Nine Months,
and
Cheaper by the Dozen
.

Eventually it was Saturday night again, and I hurried down to The Tav for dinner. I usually didn’t eat there, but if Lee and Bobby were trying another date, I wanted to grab her before she disappeared.

I ate my meal with one eye on the door, but she didn’t appear. At eight o’clock, Ricki shooed me off my chair and told me she needed to clear the tables for the dance floor, so I found a spot where I could watch the door and drink. Several people tried to engage me in conversation, but they weren’t the person I was waiting for.

At a little after ten—okay, it was exactly eight minutes past, which I know because I was watching the clock—she came in. She was hardly unnoticeable in a bright purple-and-red dress that clashed with her hair. I was struck once again by her gamine features, and for the first time, I questioned myself about her age. Twenty? Twenty-two, at the most? She snuck around a portly gentleman and appeared to search the crowd for someone.

I quickly approached her before she disappeared on me again.

“Lee…?”

She looked up, and a smile of recognition passed over her face. “Dave. Hi.” I breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn’t angry at me. In fact, she looked pleased to see me.

I took a deep breath and wondered how I should start the conversation. It seemed a little harsh to start the ball rolling with “Did we fuck without a condom?” And “Are you pregnant?” wouldn’t have been much better.

“Lee? I was wondering if—?”

“Sorry, Dave.” She cut me off and stared at something over my shoulder. “Look. Can I talk to you later?”

“I just wanted to ask—?”

“Later, okay? I need to grab Bobby before he loses his courage and slips away from me again.”

“But—”

“I’ll find you. Don’t run away. I know we need to talk, but just not right now. I’ll find you later tonight.”

With simmering frustration, I watched her approach a small guy wearing a suit that was way too big for him. From the guy’s small size, I could tell he would have trouble buying something off the rack, but the jacket was definitely too large for his small frame. I assumed this was the Bobby that Lee tried to meet the week before.

I found a spot where I could watch them and scowled in their direction. Lee greeted Bobby with a brief hug, and an intense conversation followed. Bobby was nervous. I could see that immediately. He kept smoothing his jacket down and touching his slicked-back hair. He didn’t look up, and it looked like he wanted to bolt. Lee spoke to him, and he nodded. I kept an eye on them and saw Lee smile. Then she took his arm. Together they made their way to the bar, waited to be served, and paid the bartender. They moved back toward the wall, and I watched with fascinated eyes.

There was something… odd. Something funny in the situation. Off kilter. I wondered what Lee saw in the man, because from where I was standing, there was no sexual tension at all. Of course, they could just be friends, but the two of them seemed an unlikely pair. For a start, Bobby was a lot shorter than Lee….

With sudden suspicion, I stared more intently at Bobby. He wasn’t really masculine at all. The way he tilted his head and the way he kept touching his hair…. I shuffled closer to get a better look. Luck was on my side. Bobby spoke to Lee and then handed her his drink. He turned and started pushing through the crowd, heading for the toilets. He had to move past me, and I took a look at “his” neck. No Adam’s apple.

I quickly made my way over to Lee.

“Hi, Lee.”

She looked up with a bright smile. “Hi, Dave. I haven’t forgotten about you. I just need to—”

“That’s not a guy,” I interrupted her.

“What?”

“Bobby,” I said, motioning with my hand in the direction of the restrooms. “That guy is not a guy. He’s really a girl.”

Lee’s gaze seemed to sharpen as she stared into my eyes, but she didn’t look shocked or confused. She licked her lips once, then said in a flat tone, “Yes. I know.”

“Oh. I just wanted to make sure you knew.” That sounded lame even to my own ears. I was actually sounding like a jealous prick. It was also none of my business, which Lee was quick to point out to me.

Lee’s delicate mouth pursed. “Does it matter to you?”

I stopped.
Did
it matter to me? “No, not really. But I don’t want you jumping in the sack with her and expecting a penis. Because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have one.” I tried to make a joke out of it, but it fell dead.

“He.”

Lee didn’t smile at all. She merely spoke the single word at me, and I struggled to understand. “What?”

“He,” she repeated. “You said, ‘I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have one.’ You said
she
. Bobby’s male. You should say
he.
As in
he
doesn’t have one.”

I frowned. “No. That’s a girl. It’s
she
. She doesn’t have a dick.”

A stubborn look came over Lee’s face, and she seemed to straighten her shoulders, as if gearing for a fight. I wondered what her problem was. Lee gathered herself and then said, “No.
He
. It may be true that Bobby does not have male genitalia, but
he
is a man inside his body. He thinks like a man, he feels like a man, and he has the right to dress and behave like a man if he wants. He identifies as a man. Bobby’s transgender.
He
wants to be known as a man and
he
has the right to that.
You
need to pull your head out of your arse and stop being such a dick.”

I stopped and tried to sort through the information. “She’s transgender?” I asked.

“
He’s
transgender,” Lee corrected. “Despite what his body is, he believes himself to be male, and you and I need to respect that. He wants to be known as a male, so you need to use the male pronouns.”

“Oh.” My mind was racing with this new data. No one had ever told me these things, and it wasn’t like there was a how-to booklet on the subject put in everyone’s letterbox. I wondered how poor Bobby dealt with pricks like me, on a daily basis. It would be hard for her—
him
—to even choose which public toilet to use—male or female? And how did you go about getting a date? Would you tell the person upfront? Tell them on the first date? Tell them just before you jumped into bed with them? “Did you know before you started dating him?”

There was a brief smile from Lee. “We’re not dating. I’m here to give Bobby support.”

“Oh.”

Despite being gay, and the fact that the organizations supporting gay people had so many initials that I’d given up trying to work out what they stood for, I hadn’t ever met a transgender person. I didn’t think I had, anyway.

Bobby appeared by my side and looked afraid. I smiled at Bobby as Lee welcomed her—
him
—back and made the introductions. “Bobby, this is Dave. Dave and I met last week when you stood me up. Dave, please meet Bobby.”

Bobby had one of those English-rose complexions that couldn’t hide blushes or nervousness. He was both nervous and terrified as he shuffled on the spot and gave me a bit of a wave with his hand. I immediately felt bad for him. He looked young and uncomfortable. If he wanted to pass as a man, he really needed more confidence. The shy act would give him away each time. In a split-second decision, I decided that I would help him. I’d be the hero in armor, the gallant knight riding to the rescue. As long as I didn’t have to kiss a princess.

I reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it two firm shakes while I said, “Hey Bobby. You can call me Davo. ‘Dave’ is just for the ladies and work situations. My friends call me Davo, or Idiot, or Arsehole. So I answer to all three. I haven’t seen you here before. Your first time?”

There was a little pause as Bobby comprehended that I considered him a man since he was allowed to use the title “Davo” and that I wasn’t making a fuss over the man/woman stuff. I saw Bobby flick a startled glance to Lee, but Lee was beaming her approval.

“Uhh… umm, no. I’ve been here a couple of times,” he replied. “People seem nice.”

“Yes. My mate, Jake, used to work the bar here. So I would come over to have a natter to him. But Jake’s got himself a baby now, so he quit working here. I still come because I like the crowd.”

“Yeah?” Bobby asked, relaxing a bit. “He’s a stay-at-home dad now?”

I chuckled. “I guess so. It’s gonna be weird not to think of him looking for guys to hook up with anymore. He was always my wingman. Maybe you can be my new wingman?” I asked Bobby. I was being kind, but at the same time, being a bastard and bullshitting him. There was no way this guy would find the confidence to go out looking for hookups with me.

Then karma paid me back for my shitty thoughts. I was kicked firmly in that arse, and it made me a crater-sized arsehole. Bobby turned with a startled look.

“I’m not gay,” he said, looking offended.

I caught an eye roll from Lee and knew I’d somehow stepped in it. Again. At this rate, I’d be growing pumpkins as big as cars from the amount of shit I had to spread around as fertilizer. “Oh. I just thought….” I trailed off, not wanting to voice what I thought and hoping that someone would rescue me.

“I’m straight,” Bobby said decisively. “I like women.”

I was completely confused now. “So you’re a les—”

Lee talked over me, thankfully cutting me off. “Let’s not put labels on people, okay? Dave?”

Fuck.
“Sorry,” I apologized to Bobby. “I didn’t realize. It’s not a problem.”

That embarrassed flush was back again, and I was more uncomfortable than a string bikini up an arse crack. I tried to rescue the conversation. “How about another round of drinks?” I suggested. “My shout. What would you guys like?”

I was back five minutes later. “One apple martini for the lady, and two Pale Ales for the gents.” I passed the requested drinks around, and we stood awkwardly. There seemed to be some sort of conversation going on between Lee and Bobby that involved head tilts and raised eyebrows. “Ahh, do you two need me to disappear?” I offered. “I didn’t mean to foist myself on you.”

“No,” Lee almost shouted. “You’re fine. Stay. Bobby? Are you okay with Dave being here?”

“What? Oh, no. He’s fine, Lee. It’s just….” Bobby stumbled to a halt. “The suit was a mistake, that’s all,” he said. I had to agree. The suit looked ill-fitting and was too masculine. Bobby clearly looked like a woman in a man’s suit. “I think I need to go home, Lee.”

Lee’s smile was one of understanding. She grabbed Bobby’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “You did great tonight, Bobby. Well done. It’s a terrific step forward. Don’t worry about the clothes. How about we meet up Thursday night and we can go shopping together?”

Bobby mumbled his agreement and finished his drink. Then he gave Lee a hug and left. We watched him go.

Lee smiled gaily and turned back to me. “Well. That was good. I got him out of the house.” I raised an eyebrow in query, and Lee’s smile dimmed a notch. “Bobby’s parents are having a little bit of a hard time adjusting. I’m here for moral support. He wants to be a man, but he won’t be able to do it on his own.”

“Oh.” I felt really sorry for Bobby then. Being gay had nothing on being transgender, it seemed. I vowed to help Bobby if I saw him in the bar again, but I needed to clear something up. “Lee?”

“Yes?”

“The other night?”

“Hmm?”

“Did we have sex?” No one ever said I was the suavest man in the world. I wasn’t used to dealing with women, and the men I fucked didn’t necessarily need manners.

A look that could’ve been disappointment crossed her face. “You can’t remember?”

I shook my head. “No. Sorry. I was really drunk. I remember going into the bedroom, and then nothing else. So? Did we have sex? Did we use a condom? Because I really hadn’t planned on an unplanned pregnancy.”

Lee’s head dropped, and she seemed to be fighting a smile. I knew it was an awkward conversation, but I didn’t see why she was laughing at me. “What?”

She finally looked up at me, and her eyes were sparkling with mirth. “No unplanned pregnancy, Dave. No problems about that.”

I slumped in relief. I didn’t realize how much it had been bothering me until Lee set my mind at ease. “Oh, thank the fuck. So, did we actually have sex?”

She sucked on her bottom lip and tried not to smile at my predicament. “Have you ever been with a woman before me?”

I picked at the label on my beer bottle. “Not for sex. I mean, I’ve… a couple of BJs. That’s it. So, umm… did we…?”

This had to be the most awkward conversation I’d had in my life, including the one when I was seventeen and my dad tried to make sure I was using condoms.

“No,” Lee said with a wink. “You came in my mouth and started snoring in the next breath. I had to use my own hand for myself, Dave. Not exactly the best way to treat a lady.”

I flushed red and tried to clear my throat. I ended up choking and swigged at my beer to get my tongue to work. “Sorry. It was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t know what to do with… uhh… you know.”

“A vagina?” Lee offered.

I looked around to make sure that no one else was overhearing our conversation. It wasn’t the best conversation to have spread around. “I was thinking more of the word ‘clit’ but that other word works just as well.”

“What? Vagina?”

I squirmed in my jeans. That word just didn’t sit well with me. “Yeah. That word.”

Lee got a really cocky look on her face. “You can’t say it, can you?”

Silence was my best defense.

“If you say the word, I’ll buy you a drink,” she told me. “But if you can’t say it, you have to buy me a drink.”

I immediately grabbed her empty glass. “Another apple martini?”

She laughed, and I felt an odd spear of attraction lance my abdomen.
Attraction?
I wondered to myself as I pushed through the crowd.
Attraction to a woman?

I ordered our drinks and wondered how a gay man who couldn’t even say the word “vagina” could ever be attracted to a woman.