You Make Me (26 page)

“How is this on me?” I dropped my knees to the bed, completely furious that he was acting like I was just being a pathetic little girl while he hadn’t done a thing wrong.

“Because you keep saying you trust me, but you don’t! You can’t just accept that maybe I wanted to give the house to you? Do something nice for you, for our future?”

“But at the expense of my brother. How can you be thoughtful and cruel in the same gesture?”

“Because emotion is complicated! I had to go through Brian to get the house for you, so what is wrong with sticking it to him while doing something good for you? Don’t tell me that your actions are simple, that everything you do has just one purpose, one desire attached to it. That’s bullshit.”

Part of me was afraid he was right. So I went on the defensive. “I’m an open book. My actions are clear.”

“Mine are more clear than yours are, because I’m honest. You’re so used to pretending, I don’t think you even know any more what you want.”

A gasp left my mouth. “What are you talking about? I’m not pretending!”

“Not with me. But you’ve spent the last eighteen months, hell, maybe longer, pretending to be someone you’re not. I mean, you stopped eating meat, for Christ’s sake! Why? To fit in with the hipster crowd? You are stubborn and full of pride and feistiness. You used to go a round with your brother, with all the other foster kids, with your high school biology teacher, your dad. Before I got here, when was the last time you allowed yourself to be angry? To be emotional?”

I hadn’t. “It’s called self control. You should exercise it sometime.”

“I’m completely in control. You’re the one who has lost it. I don’t know what you want. I buy you a house and you’re pissed.” He threw his hands up like he was done with the conversation.

“Because you didn’t ask me!” Was that really so hard to understand? Apparently it was.

“I’m going to bed.” He turned to lay down and in the process bumped my leg.

I pushed him, furious, irrational. I could feel it again. Like it had been in the bar, a living, breathing, crawling hysteria. It happened when I felt like I didn’t know him, when I felt like he was about to hurt me.

“Cat. Seriously. Enough.” It was a patronizing tone. An indication that he thought I was irrational and annoying, even after he had said being emotional was part of my nature.

It was a mixed message.

That was all it took to send me climbing over his body, intending to get out of bed. Heath blocked me, and I grappled with him. “Let me go!”

“No.” He pinned me to the bed with one leg.

“What are you doing?” I shoved at his chest.

“I’m going to angry fuck you. Isn’t that what you want?” His hand was already cruising over my breasts and on down towards my crotch.

Part of me did and I hated myself for it. Disgusted with both of us, I said, “No! Now get off of me.”

“Fine.” He rolled over and put his arm behind his head like he was going to go to sleep. “But you’re a liar.”

Before I was aware I was going to, my hand lifted and I went to slap him. His eyes were open. He knew it was coming. I saw the recognition there as I closed in on his face, but he didn’t stop me. He could have stopped me. I know he could have.

But instead, he let my palm connect with his cheek in a loud crack. Something was happening and I didn’t understand. I was scared. Hurt. It felt like we didn’t know how to communicate with each other and I didn’t know how to fix it. So I lashed out. It didn’t have a lot of force to it, and the slap grazed off the side of his face, my hand falling to the mattress, but it was enough to know that I’d done it to have me bursting into tears.

Lurching backwards, I half-fell off the bed. “I’m sorry. I just… I can’t…”

“What?” He sat up. “Give me some kind of clue because I don’t even know what the hell we’re talking about here.”

He made me crazy. I hit, I shoved, I slapped. What the hell was wrong with me? I had felt some of the most profound and powerful moments of happiness since he had come back to town, and yet… I’d also felt some of the worst desperate and cloying insecurity, jealousy, and frustration. I didn’t understand how I could love him so deeply and yet be such a neurotic disaster.

“What did you think I did?” I asked him. “Before you left Vinalhaven, what did you think I did?” I had never wanted to press, never wanted to hear the truth. But I had to know. I had to know everything.

Heath stared up at me, his nostrils flaring a little. “I didn’t leave just because Brian called social services, though that was part of it. I left because you filed a restraining order against me.”

“What?” I reeled backwards, unable to even understand what he was saying. “What are you talking about?”

“I had to stay a certain distance from you and the house. It said that you felt threatened and in danger from me. It was filed by you and your dad.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I would never, ever have done that.”

“I know. I saw it in your eyes when I got here and we talked. You didn’t know. So I guess it was your dad who wanted me gone, right along with Brian.” He shook his head and I could hear the hurt in his voice. “He could have just asked me to leave. Been honest with me, instead of tossing me out on my ass with a court order.”

Why would my father have done that? Why hadn’t he just talked to me? Oh, God, I didn’t know what to think about anything…

All I knew is that no one had trusted me to have a brain in my head and as a result I’d spent four years suffering.

“But you believed that I would do that to you. You didn’t trust me at all.”

“I was hurt, Cat.” He sat up, reaching for me. “I didn’t know what to think. Your name was right there, on the papers. It was devastating. But I was too hurt and too young to think about the fact that you were a minor and your father could have filed that on your behalf, without you knowing.”

Even so. He had just believed me capable of such cruelty, such duplicity. He had accused me of not trusting him, but he hadn’t trusted me either.

He had just walked away.

“I need to go,” I blurted. Now I needed to get away. I needed to feel fresh air on my face, to cool my hot cheeks, my hot mouth.

“It’s three in the morning. You’re not leaving this apartment.” He stood up. “I can leave if you don’t want to be with me.”

“No!” That made me feel a panic and hysteria that was so overwhelming, I thought I was going to throw up. “Don’t! I don’t want you to.”

“Cat.” He reached for me, carefully, like I might scratch his eyes out like my namesake. “What’s going on? Talk to me!”

“I’m leaving.” I scrambled onto my knees, grabbing blindly for my shoes. I definitely thought I was going to be sick. I was sobbing and I didn’t even totally understand why.

“Because I didn’t tell you about the house? Or is this about your dad? I’m sorry, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to damage your opinion of him.”

“I’m leaving,” I repeated, and suddenly we both seemed to know what I really meant. I was leaving.

I wasn’t coming back.

Heath exploded. “You’re breaking up with me?” He reached for me again, and when I dodged him, he threw his hands up and kicked the bed. “Fuck. Fuck. You’ve got to be kidding me. Cat, please, don’t do this. This is insane.”

What was insane was how I was acting, how I
had
been acting. “Something is wrong, very, very wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just need to run.” It was like there wasn’t enough space in the apartment, in Orono. The building, the trees, the university, all were pressing in on me. I just wanted to run to the rocks like I had when I was a girl, and later with Heath. When everything was simple.

I had to run before he figured out what my father clearly had- that I wasn’t worthy. Before Heath abandoned me again. Left me. The way Brian had. My father had. Ethan had.

Before he figured out that I wasn’t worth waiting four years for.

I crawled across the floor, shoving my shoes on.

“You’re going to run? What, back to Ethan? Well, news flash, I fixed him up with a cute little brunette who is probably right now letting him knock on her back door. And you know what they say about that.”

No, I didn’t. And I wasn’t about to ask what he meant. Horrified, I stared up at him, vision blurring from tears. “You are so vicious. You’re just
vicious
. I hate you. Right now, I honestly hate you.”

“I’m not real happy with you right now either.” He gave me an unapologetic glare. “But don’t walk out that door. Seriously, do not.”

I was going to crawl out if I had to. I wasn’t going to be like Kerri and stay there, timid, in a situation that wasn’t good for me. If this is what being with Heath did to me, then I needed to get out now.

Run.

Shoes on, I took off for the door, grabbing my phone and my keys from their perch on the kitchen counter.

“Cat! Wait. Don’t you dare walk out on me.”

But I was already out the door and down the stairs, taking them so fast, I stumbled and skipped the last two by accident, careening forward. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I was on the sidewalk when he caught up with me. He had longer, stronger legs.

There was fresh snow on the ground that I skidded in, my shoes the wrong choice for the soft wetness. I hadn’t put a coat on.

“Are you really leaving me?” he asked, his breath puffing out in front of him, his eyes stormy. “Is this what you really want to do?”

I nodded, afraid if I tried to speak, I wouldn’t be able to force the words out. I wasn’t sure I meant it. I just knew that the anxiety was crawling up my throat again.

“Then take this and don’t come back.” He shoved a box into my hand. “Just to be clear, I never want to see you again. Ever.”

“Heath…”

“Just let me go, Cat. For fuck’s sake, just free me if you don’t want me.” He yanked the door to the building open so hard it crashed into the brick wall.

As he went back inside, I looked down at what he had given me, stunned by what I’d done. Stunned by what he’d said. When I pried the box open, an engagement ring was resting inside.

He’d asked me to trust him.

I hadn’t.

But he didn’t trust me.

My heart splintered and a cry of dismay left my mouth.

I doubled over and threw up, a violent splashing over the pristine blanket of freshly fallen snow.

Chapter Twenty-One

I had nowhere to go but back to the sorority house and so I ran, sucking in a deep lungful of cold air. That Heath let me go like that, in the middle of the night, to walk by myself, spoke volumes about how angry and hurt he was. I clutched the box in my hand, and sobbed, my hair flying behind me, shivers wracking my body.

It was a beautiful ring. Not traditional, like the one Ethan had given me. It was sterling silver, and there was no diamond. It was an onyx, deep and dark and mysterious, like the ocean at night. A solemn black pool.

I cried harder as I ran, feeling absolutely and utterly alone. I ran from my pain, I ran from my disappointment, I ran from the past where my father hadn’t trusted me. Where Heath hadn’t trusted me.

And I ran from now, where I no longer trusted myself.

A police cruiser pulled up beside me, slowing down to keep pace with me. The passenger window rolled down and the officer looked over at me. “Are you Caitlyn?”

I nodded, wary.

“Your boyfriend called, worried about you. He said you took off.”

I nodded, wiping at my face with my sleeve.

“Get in. I’ll give you a ride.”

Ridiculously grateful to not be alone in the dark, I opened the door and climbed in, the leather seat squeaking as I slid across it.

“You okay?”

“Not really,” I said, with a watery shake of my head. “But that’s okay.”

“Is he hurting you? Are you afraid of him?”

“No.” I wasn’t afraid of Heath.

I was afraid of me.

Having a cop drop me off might have gotten a ton of attention if it had been earlier, but fortunately the house seemed still and quiet. I had managed to stop the tears, but I knew I looked like a complete disaster. I felt like a complete disaster. My nose was cold, my feet were cold, my fingers half numb, clasping tightly the ring box. This ring was how Heath saw me- beautiful and different. Free.

The ring Ethan had given me was how he saw me- classic, elegant.

I certainly wasn’t what Ethan thought. I had tried but it wasn’t me and it never would be. But did I want to be who Heath knew? He wanted me to go back to Vinalhaven. Get a job that didn’t require a degree. Raise a family and lay on the docks with him in the summer sunshine.

I no longer knew what I wanted.

I did want him.

God, how I wanted him.

But I didn’t want me when I
was
wanting him.

At the same time, the idea that he wouldn’t be there anymore, that I had destroyed our relationship in the span of one argument, made me sick. I went into the house, sniffling, trying to move silently to my room.

Aubrey’s door was open. She looked up, startled, swiping at her eyes when I walked past. I stood in the doorway, realizing that she was crying. “Are you okay?” I asked, my voice sounding raw and shaky.

She shook her head. “No. I slept with Jared and he hasn’t spoken to me since. I waited five whole dates, Caitlyn, and he was acting like he was all into me. Why do guys only want to fuck me? Am I so awful to be around?”

“No.” I went into her room and bent over to hug her. “You’re amazing to be around. You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re thoughtful.”

She looked at me. “Are you crying too? What’s wrong?”

“I think I broke up with Heath. I started to think maybe you were right… that I’m obsessed. Because all I was doing was fixating on everything. It hurt to be with him, but oh my God, it hurts even more to think about being without him.” A choked sound escaped before I could stop it.

“Sit down,” she said, patting the bed next to her. “I didn’t know what he meant to you when I was texting with him. You just said he was your foster brother and you cared about him. I never would have if I had known… but I was a bitch to tell you about it. I was just hurt that you hadn’t shared anything with me, and I was feeling lonely and left out. It was mean and immature.”