You Only Love Twice (24 page)

She was good at making the best of things, as the mother superior had reminded her only yesterday. She’d awakened in the infirmary, the Reverend Mother told her, not knowing who she was or how she had got there. But by degrees, she’d made a new life for herself. It was the same in marriage. Every bride faced the same fears that she faced now. Her task was to create a new role for herself as Lucas’s wife.

She gave a start of surprise when Lucas dipped his head and kissed her on the mouth. “Don’t look so frightened, Lady Dundas,” he whispered. “This is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Smile.”

Sister Martha, and now Lady Dundas. Would she ever know who she truly was?

She smiled as the cleric pronounced them man and wife, and turned them to face the assembled guests.

•   •   •

During the reception that followed, Jessica did not betray how uncertain she felt. She had a role to play, and she played it as well as she could. It wasn’t too difficult. Lucas’s mother had rehearsed her well. It was a matter of pride to get the protocol right among so many people of rank. Everyone was kind and friendly … with three exceptions: Ellie, Perry and Bella. Ellie was sulking, Perry was in a temper, and Bella had turned into a green-eyed monster.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Ellie flounce out of the room. With a face like thunder, Perry went after her. Jessica sighed. It was very wearing having two unruly young people constantly underfoot, young people who wore their hearts on their sleeves. She was beginning to see just how tedious she must have been as an adolescent.

Her gaze shifted and came to rest on Bella. She was the center of a group of people, holding forth on some topic that obviously enthralled her little audience, but her eyes were avidly searching the room, pouncing on all its treasures.

It was ironic. At Hawkshill, when Bella’s eagle eye had pounced on every flaw, she, Jessica, had been ashamed of the shabbiness of the place. Now, Bella’s eyes were popping out of her head at everything she encountered—the priceless Titians on the walls, the Sevres porcelain, the Aubusson carpets and, most of all, the stately Corinthian columns and peerless Adam interior. She should feel vindicated, if not triumphant. But all she felt was pity. Bella had something that could not be bought, and she wasn’t even aware of it. A husband who loved her. Rupert was by her side, a sad little smile on his face, as though he knew he could never be dashing enough for Bella’s taste.

She couldn’t help remembering that night in Haig House when Bella had attacked her. The more she’d thought of it, the more certain she’d become that it
was
Bella. She was so unnerved that when Lucas arrived the
next morning and told her they were leaving that day for London, she would have promised him anything if he would just get her out of there. And he’d made it easy for her to save face. Their marriage would be on her terms, he’d promised.

I’ve never wanted a woman as much as I want you
, he’d told her.

Want, not love. It was only as she watched Rupert with Bella that she began to see the difference. Lucas did not dote on her.

Conversations went on around her. She talked, she smiled, but her thoughts frequently strayed to Hawkshill and the last time she’d been there. Maybe she shouldn’t have gone back, but she hadn’t wanted the boys to think that she was deserting them. It had been a great trial all round. Joseph said that if they didn’t stop their weeping and wailing, he’d be forced to build an ark, just like Noah. When she’d leaned out of the carriage window to wave goodbye, Joseph had said, quite seriously, for her ears only, “Three cheers for Jessica Hayward.”

“Not Sister Martha?” she’d quizzed.

He shook his head. “I’s putting my money on Jessica Hayward.”

His parting words made her feel warm all over.

Someone made a remark about the house and she dragged her thoughts back from the past. It was a lovely house, she agreed, and looked around her. Though the interior was too rich for her taste, she could still admire it. Inside it was all Sienna marble and gilt-edged columns. Outside, it was a handsome neoclassical mansion. The house was in the heart of Mayfair, but the west windows overlooked Green Park, giving the impression that they were in the country—even with Piccadilly, the busiest thoroughfare in London, only a short walk away.

“Why so pensive?”

She looked up to see Lucas watching her. “I was admiring your house,” she said.

Lucas gave a cursory glance around the room and grinned down at her. “It’s a far cry from Hawkshill and your convent, isn’t it, Jess?”

“That doesn’t make it better, Lucas, only different.”

The smile left his eyes. “Why the sharp tone, Jess? I thought you liked it here. It’s what you told my mother.”

“I do like it,” she said. “But I was also happy where I was.”

Realizing that she’d sounded critical, she started to explain, but was interrupted by other guests.

At one point, finding herself alone, she wandered into the dining room where an array of delicacies was set out on long tables covered in white damask. Crystal and silver glittered brilliantly under the lights from the chandeliers. The footmen were in their dress livery—powdered wigs, white satin breeches and silver coats. The orchestra on the platform was playing something measured and stately. There was much laughter, and voices rose to be heard above the music. Jessica thought her face would crack from so much smiling. Her head began to ache. She passed through an arch into the Crimson Room, and the first person she saw was Ellie.

She was silhouetted against the Venetian window, wearing a gown that Jessica considered far too old for her. It was a low-cut embroidered blue silk that showed a great expanse of white bosom. Her hair was heavily crimped and threaded with pearls. She was a pretty young girl, but she was trying hard to look older.

Jessica’s first impulse was to slip away unseen. Ellie was all sweetness and light when Lucas was present, but when he wasn’t, she didn’t hide her dislike.

Her glance shifted to Ellie’s companion who was looking right at her. It was Perry. There was no getting out of it now. She had to join them.

Her smile slipped a little at Perry’s first words. “I hope you can talk some sense into her,” he said in a low, driven
tone. “She’s been moping in corners all evening. People are beginning to notice.”

Ellie’s anger was equal to his. “Oh, why don’t you mind your own business!”

“I am minding my own business. Lucas told me to look after you.”

“I have a headache. That’s all it is.”

So had Jessica, and it wasn’t getting any better. “Perry,” she said, cutting off his next retort, “would you mind bringing me something to eat? A sandwich would do. I haven’t eaten all day, and I’m famished.”

“What?”

“A sandwich,” she repeated. “Ellie, would you like something?”

Ellie held out her glass of strawberry cordial. “Yes,” she said. “You can exchange this for a glass of champagne.”

Perry grinned. “I’d have to answer to Lucas if I did. Drink your tonic, Ellie. It’s good for growing children.”

“Why you …” He was gone before Ellie could complete her sentence, and she turned her flashing eyes on Jessica. “I suppose you’ve come to gloat?”

Jessica was aware of the stares of people close by, and she said quietly, “I’m not gloating, Ellie. In fact, I feel rather awkward among these grand people. This is not exactly what I’m used to.”

“No, but you’d like to become used to it, wouldn’t you, Jessica? Well, you’ll never fit in. You don’t belong here. But I suppose you don’t care now that you’re a countess.”

Jessica had been searching the crush of people for Lucas, and she saw him talking to Rupert and Adrian on the other side of the room. She had begun to raise her hand to attract his attention, but at Ellie’s words, she stiffened and turned to face the younger girl.

“I didn’t marry Lucas for his title.”

“No, you married him for his money.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? You have a peculiar way of showing it. But Lucas is no fool. He’s on to you, too.”

Jessica stared at her blankly. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“The clothes you ordered from Mrs. Marsh? I’ve watched the boxes arriving at the house all week. Lucas says that at this rate, you’ll make him a pauper.”

The quick tears that flooded Ellie’s eyes took the edge off Jessica’s annoyance. When she was Ellie’s age, she’d made a fool of herself over Lucas, too. She wished, now, that she’d had an older sister or some female relative to put her straight about a few things.

“Ellie,” she said quietly, “Lucas and I are married now. We exchanged vows. You must learn to accept it.”

“He’ll never love you,” Ellie cried passionately. “He’s been in love with Bella for years. She’s everything that you can never be.”

Jessica’s sympathy was rapidly evaporating. “I don’t want to be like Bella and neither should you. You’re a lovely young woman. I don’t know why you would want to be like someone else.”

Enlightenment suddenly struck her. Ellie was trying to make herself over into the kind of woman Lucas could love. Her clothes, her hair, her mannerisms were all modeled on Bella. “Oh Ellie,” she said, “don’t throw away your most precious possession. Just be yourself.”

Ellie appeared not to hear her. “Ask Lucas about his black spells. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you that he’s still not over Bella, and that’s why he suffers from fits of depression.”

Torn between the desire to box Ellie’s ears and the need to avoid a public scene, Jessica said tersely, “Ellie, you’re not yourself. Can’t we discuss this later?”

“But you got him, didn’t you, Jessica? And you didn’t care how you did it. I don’t believe for a minute that Rodney Stone wanted to marry you. I think you planned it together, to trap Lucas.”

At least Ellie didn’t know that Lucas had been discovered in her bed. That was something, she supposed, or Ellie might have broadcast it to the world. Still, her cheeks were burning. Everyone was looking at them, and Ellie was making no attempt to keep her voice down. Since she was Ellie’s target, she decided that the thing to do was remove herself from the battle zone.

“Excuse me, Ellie,” she said, “I have guests to attend to.”

As she moved past Ellie, the girl fell against her and tipped her glass of cordial down the front of her gown.

Jessica looked down at the spreading stain on her beautiful bridal gown and her temper ignited. She reached for Ellie and caught her by the wrist. “You spiteful child.” Her voice was low, but quivered with emotion. “You did that on purpose.”

Ellie wrenched out of her grasp. “It was an accident,” she cried out. She looked around wildly and saw Lucas coming toward her. Her voice rose shrilly. “It was an accident, Lucas, but Jessica won’t believe me.”

When Lucas came up to them, Ellie flung herself at him, and sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. His arms came around her in a protective gesture.

“It’s all right, Ellie,” he said soothingly. “Jessica knows it was an accident. Now say you’re sorry and let that be the end of it.” Then to Jessica, “What in blazes is going on here?”

Jessica was as cold as ice. “It wasn’t an accident,” she said. “She did it deliberately.”

Lucas’s gaze flicked to the gawking spectators, then narrowed on Jessica. “For God’s sake, unfreeze your face. She’s only a child. Ellie, apologize to Jessica.”

Ellie turned tear-bright eyes on Jessica. “I’m sorry, Jessica, truly sorry. Please say you forgive me.”

Jessica’s voice did not warm. “If you’re sorry, Ellie, then of course I forgive you.”

Perry arrived carrying two plates of delicacies. He took
one look at Jessica’s white face and set them on the nearest table. “What’s going on?” he demanded. “I could hear Ellie’s voice from the next room.” Ellie began to weep in earnest.

“My God, this is beginning to turn into a circus.” Lucas spoke to Perry. “Take Jessica to her room, and when she’s changed, see that she comes back to her guests. I’ll take Ellie to my mother. Come along, Ellie.” The harsh tone had softened. “So you ruined Jessica’s dress. It’s not the end of the world. I’ll buy her another.”

“No.” Ellie’s head was tucked into the crook of Lucas’s shoulder as they walked away. “I’ll replace it, out of my pin money.”

Lucas’s laugh wafted back to Jessica.

She was trembling from head to toe. She looked at Perry. “She did it on purpose,” she said.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he replied. “What Ellie needs is a good shaking. But try and tell Lucas that.”

His words helped relax the tight knot in the pit of her stomach. She managed a smile. “I think Lucas just gave us an order.”

Perry chuckled. “It’s one of the things he does really well. But you and I were never much good at obeying him.”

“Things are different now.”

His smile faded. “Yes. Very different. Whose fault is that?”

Before he could say more in this vein, she cut him off. “Shall we go?”

They used the servants’ staircase to avoid curious eyes. Perry waited outside in the corridor while Jessica entered her room. It was less elaborately decorated than the rooms on the ground floor, but she still found it intimidating. Her few possessions had been moved into it only that morning, but it didn’t feel like her room. In fact, she felt like an impostor in this grand setting.

Moving quickly, she crossed to her dressing room.
There was a bellpull for summoning the maid, but being waited on hand and foot was something Jessica was not accustomed to, and she began to undress herself.

Her fingers stilled when she looked into a cheval mirror and saw her reflection. The red stain fanned out from the bodice all the way down to the hem. It would fade when it was cleaned, but it would never be the same again.

I’ll buy her another dress
.

She didn’t want another dress. She wanted
this
dress. It was her wedding dress. She would have packed it away and taken it out occasionally, perhaps to wear to a grand affair or perhaps for her own daughter’s wedding, if she should be so lucky as to have a daughter. A sensitive man would have understood, but not Lucas.