Your Princess is in Another Castle (21 page)

“What the hell would you k
now about nice asses you furry little freak?” asks Chris.   

“Back off, he’s right,” says Seth.  “
Kristanna sports a fine ass, and I dig the fact that in real life she loves the ladies as well as the guys, but the movie did suck.  And you have the same blood on your hands as Jimmy.  Don’t act like you’re so sexually normal.”

“Women naturally have toes!
” says Chris.  “It’s healthy to want to suck on them!  Suckling is one of the most important instincts we humans are born with!” 

“Yeah, but we’re meant to suckle on breasts, not toes,” I say.

“Screw you, man!” says Chris.  “The tit titans you admire are so deformed I doubt any of them even could nurse!  Of the four of us, I alone can stake a claim to normal sexual interests.”

“Why don’t we all calm down before we reach our
limit breaks,” says Jimmy.  “A minute ago we were talking about taking a journey that would allow all of us to freely indulge in our respective curiosities.”     

“No, Jimmy
,” says Chris.  “I think it’s time for Seth to reveal himself.  No more hiding.”  Chris takes a step closer to Seth.  “When you wake up in the dark, what unfulfilled urge torments you?  What psychosexual perversion is the source of your silent suffering?” 

“Nothing. 
I’m normal,” says Seth.

“I could beat it out of you,” says Chris.

“Ha!” says Seth.  “Tell me, what other Freddie Prinze Jr. rom-coms have made you weep like a woman?”

With that
, Chris lets loose a mighty roar and rushes at Seth, who dodges him like Little Mac avoiding Bald Bull’s charge.  Chris falls headfirst into Will’s tent, almost bringing it down.  The Gaia Guys, Delilah Summons, the Blitz, and everyone else stare at us.  Pleased that a genuine opportunity to do so has finally arrived, I shrug as best as I can in imitation of Benjamin from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest.

Chris and Seth made up as soon as Chris was able to stand.  Although all of us worked to straighten out Will’s tent, everyone else continues to look at us like we’re mad.  Seth is conversing with the Blitz over the nuts and bolts of the trip, while the three of us work to take apart Chris’ tent.  I have not formally agreed to go yet, but the tent and our supplies belong to Chris and Jimmy, who are both keen on disbanding camp in the presence of the Blitz as a show of good faith.   

“Here
’s the deal,” says Seth, having returned to us.  “We each get one complimentary party which constitutes spending up to and including an overnight session with one or more women, ending in ejaculation.  Condom use is required for intercourse and oral sex.  Essentially it’s anything goes, but each individual girl has her own will do/won’t do policy. 

“
Cost of travel is included and it’s quite a ways away, but it’ll be a road trip.  They’re not flying us out.  It should take around six hours to drive there.  Blitz also said at least one of us would have to go on his show to talk about our experience.  I volunteered.”     

“Is anyone else going?” asks Chris.

“No,” says Seth.  “Everyone else is staying.”

“I haven’t agreed to go yet,” I say.

“We can go over the weekend,” says Jimmy.  “I have to drive back to California, anyway.  You guys can keep the gas money for yourselves.  I’ll drive my car and you guys can take one of yours, and we’ll meet up at the Ranch.  I guess that’s where we’ll part ways.”

“I haven’t agreed to go yet,” I repeat.

“Then stay here with the Gaia Guys,” says Chris. 

“We’re all going,” says Seth.
  “Listen to Jimmy.  We’re meant to go.”

“I believe we are,” s
ays Jimmy.  “All of us.”

“I’m sure
whichever girl you end up picking will have dealt with less experienced guys than you,” says Seth. “And there’s going to be a smorgasbord of women there.  There’s bound to be someone you’ll gravitate to.”        

“Do you really think that
Genji: Days of the Blade
is going to make you happy?” asks Chris again.  

The six-hour drive to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch passed uneventfully.  Jimmy drove his car while Chris and Seth alternated driving Chris’.  It was decided by them at the beginning of the trip that I was never to be allowed to drive, lest I turn back around like a frightened sailor aboard the Santa Maria holding the apocryphal belief he’d sail off the edge of a flat Earth. 

For the first third of the trip I r
ode with Chris, who spoke to me of his unwavering faith in Christopher Nolan’s casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker where so many others had doubt, as well as his fears of Ryan Reynolds being cast as the Flash.  After the two hour mark we broke for lunch and I then switched places with Seth and rode with Jimmy, who assured me that I would survive the coming Dawnless Day, although it would push me to my limits.  For the last third of the journey I rode with Seth, who told me how tired he was at having Chris badger him to reveal a secret sex fetish he doesn’t actually have.  

The exterior of the
Moonlite Bunny Ranch and the road leading to it were lacking in the apocalyptic deviance I expected.  I imagined a battered road lined with flaming garbage cans lit up as brightly as runway lights guiding us to a place reminiscent of the Titty Twister.  The actual Ranch however looks more like a nondescript motel you’d only notice because it’s the only building around to notice on a lonely stretch of desert road. 

Seth, our de facto leader,
walks ahead of us as we enter and enthusiastically informs the front desk attendant that we four are under the patronage of one Jerry Reeves of Lux Radio.  We’re directed to a large open area that Seth assures us is where the lineup happens, where we shall select the girl(s) of our choice from a bevy of beauties. Seth gazes ahead longingly like a child taking one last look at the empty space beneath his Christmas tree before going to bed on Christmas Eve.  Chris stares at the floor looking somber, perhaps at the ready to do a foot appraisal.  Jimmy has a small duffel bag slung over his shoulder which he taps with his finger. 

“What do you have in the
bag?” I ask Jimmy.

“A few pieces for costuming,
” he says.  “I’m always prepared wherever I go for a couple of different contingencies.  I’ve got ears and tails for a fox, kitsune, and cat.”

“Aren
’t a fox and a kitsune the same thing?” I ask. 

“No,” says Jimmy.
  “Asian women have a unique facial structure that requires a different set of ears to complete the transformation than ears for a non-Asian woman.”

“
He’s right,” says Chris, who I’m surprised was even listening.  “They have that anime eye thing going.” 

“I’d have thought
you’d have kept your costume pieces in one of those custom briefcases with the indentations like assassins use to hold their gun and silencer,” I say.  

Jimmy laughs.  “Too conspicuous.”

“I’m going for a threesome, that much I’m sure about it,” says Seth.  He appears to have spoken solely out of frustration with waiting, although we’ve only been waiting for the lineup for the past thirty seconds.  “And I’m leaning towards a blonde and a redhead, but I dunno, maybe I should just go totally golden.”

“Cutest feet for me,” says Chris.  “Hopefully the
same girl won’t have the nicest feet and possess a kitsune quality.  And have the biggest boobs of the bunch, too.”

“
The bustiest one isn’t necessarily who Justin should pick,” says Seth (it has been made clear that I am to be referred to only as Justin for the time being).  “Because then he might just forego sex altogether in favor of pure breast play.  He needs a devourer.  A man-eater.  One who savors not the hunt but the kill.  Hopefully Delilah Summons came back.”  Seth speaks as if I’m not here and is uninterested in any possible protestations.

“
I think he should choose whoever he’s most comfortable with,” says Jimmy. 

Fifteen or so women
enter the room and the lineup begins.  The four of us all stand side by side like the original X-Men staring down the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Only today the threat is a sisterhood.  One girl whom I notice immediately even bears a resemblance to Emma Frost.  She is a blonde in a white negligee, although she lacks the bust and judging from her friendly smile it would seem the wickedness (I’ve never approved of Frost turning face) to truly embrace the role of the White Queen. 

Seth
instantly sees who he wants and grabs hold of me like the Grinch seizing his dog after realizing Christmas still came to Whoville.  “Twins,” he says.  There are indeed twins present.  Seth looks back at them.  “Twins,” he repeats.  “Identical twins.  Two sisters who look exactly alike.” 

“That’d be twins,” I say. 
The pair are tall brunettes and very slender.  They appear completely in synch with one another, when they walked into the room their arms and legs moved in unison.

“You going to do a
ménage a twin?” asks Jimmy.  “That’s borderline incestuous. It’s unnatural.”

“As long as they do
n’t touch each other I guess it’s okay,” says Chris.

Seth does not hear them.
  He walks over to the twins and places his hands on both of their butts.  “What are your names?” he asks.               

“I’m Lacey,” says the one on the left.

“I’m Stacey,” says the one on the right.

“We’re the Lee twins,”
they both say as if they were a female Tomax and Xamot.

Seth makes a sound that resembles no langu
age I’ve ever heard but clearly indicates joy.  He squeezes the butts of Lacey and Stacey hard.  “That’s wonderful.  Now, you don’t need to know my name.  All you need to know is that we three are about to enter into the sexual trifecta that is the ménage a trios.”  Seth suddenly retracts his hands from the twins’ butts like he’d just touched the still heated blade of a freshly forged sword.  “You two do work together, right?” he asks.  “You’re not just putting on the single most vindictive cocktease in history, are you?” 

The twins kiss Seth on both cheeks.
  Relieved, his hands go back on their butts. “Lacey.  Stacey.  Normally I’m quite charming.  But in this case I don’t have to be.  And I won’t waste my time and your time engaging in worthless conversation such as where I’m from and what I do.  I’ll only say that I’ve waited for this day for a very long time now, and that our party must end with me lying in the middle of the bed with my arms around you both.  Now let us begin.”  Seth retreats into the back with Lacey and Stacey, his hands never leaving their butts.    

“And then there were three,” says Chris.
  The sirens standing in front of us remain silent.  None approach us.  If it comes down to only the girls and me, I wonder how long the ensuing staring contest would go on. 

“Two,” says Jimmy.  “I se
e who I want.”  Jimmy approaches a petite Japanese girl who couldn’t embrace more stereotypes if she tried.  She wears a plaid schoolgirl uniform complete with white bobby socks, and her hair is worn in pigtails.  The girl also wears a pink backpack, which can only be of the Hello Kitty variety.  Whatever her not so subtle attire failed to suggest about her age is complimented by her total lack of a bust.

“Always someone with th
e Asian persuasion who comes to the sensation,” says the girl with a noticeable but understandable accent.  She pulls out a yo-yo and performs a modest trick before thrusting it back in her pocket. 

Jimmy smiles. 
“My name is Jimmy Shannon,” he says kissing her hand.  “And you are?”

“Sakura.”

“Sakura, I must say you have a wonderful kitsune quality about you.”  Sakura looks at Jimmy blankly.  “Don’t you speak Japanese?” he asks.

“Not a word
aside from
hi
and
bye
,” says Sakura, ditching her accent.  “My real name is Jaclyn.  The accent is as fake as the outfit.  Most guys who come to me just want a little Asian Lolita and don’t usually challenge me on the language.”

“No matter
,” says Jimmy.  He undoes Sakura’s pigtails and grabs her yo-yo, chucking it across the room so it lands behind the bar.  “I’m not looking for an innocent little Lolita to defile, anyway.  I want something a little more feral.  I want you to…”

The rest I’m unable to hear
as Jimmy whispers it into Sakura’s ear.  A true professional, she doesn’t react much to his request although it’s evident she hasn’t been asked to do this before.  “I can handle that,” she says.  Sakura takes Jimmy’s hand and they disappear into the back.

“Down to just us,” says Chris. 
“So who you picking?”

I’m hoping for a fully loaded tour bus to pull
up so that all remaining girls will soon be taken and I won’t be forced to make a decision.  They’re all beautiful, but I know there’s no way I could ever just walk over to one like Seth and Jimmy did.  Not for what they’re offering. 

“I can’t decide,” I say. 

“What about the one third from the left?” asks Chris.  “The redhead, I mean. She’s got a sizeable bust.  At least I think she does, but maybe you wouldn’t, you who must bow before Queen Titania herself.  But if you wanted her I was gonna let you have her, although she does have some adorable tootsies.  Plus she kinda looks like Mary Jane, and I ain’t talking about the Kirsten Dunst version.  I’m talking about The Amazing Spider-Man #350 page twenty-five, panel three Mary Jane.  That’s the kind of Mary Jane I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, she does look like Mary Jane,” I say.
“But you can choose her if you want.  Might make my decision easier, having less women to choose from.  Why don’t you ask all of them to get barefoot, though?  One of them might have even more attractive feet that you can’t see because of her shoes.  Don’t you want to find out who has the nicest ones?”  I do not want Chris to go.  I do not want to be alone with these women.  Being the only one left puts all the pressure on me to make a decision.

“Man,
” says Chris, “when the Lady of the Lake rises nude out of the water and presents you with Excalibur, you don’t say ‘well that’s mighty thoughtful of you miss, but to be honest I had my heart set on Ultima Weapon.’  That’s just bad form.  Bad form, man.”

“I don’t remember the Lady of the
Lake explicitly being described as nude,” I say.  “In fact, in most of the art I can think of she’s usually depicted with only her hand coming out of the water clutching Excalibur.”  

“Oh,
her being nude is in the lore, man.  It’s in there.  Malory or Tennyson, I know one of them didn’t leave it to doubt.  Probably Malory, he was a total player.” 

Chris walks over to the
Mary Jane-like redhead.  “My name’s Chris Cartwright and I have a foot fetish,” he declares without a hint of shame.

“Hi, Chris
,” says the redhead.  “My name’s Rebecca Eden.”

“
Rebecca,” says Chris, “my friend over there is a boob man.  But see, you only have two breasts.  Yet you have ten toes.  So I’m going to be getting five times the pleasure out of you that he would.  Now how would you like to begin our party by being given the best foot massage you’ve ever had?  No work necessary on your part.  All you have to do is just lie back and enjoy it.”

“I’d love that,” says Rebecca. 
She jumps into Chris’ arms.

“You’re on your o
wn,” says Chris as he carries Rebecca into the back.

The remaining women now all look at me.
  I try not to focus on any given one and scan over the entire lineup in an effort to avoid making eye contact.  To the Moonlite Bunny Ranch’s credit, there seems to be something for everyone here, a worthy successor to Solomon’s harem.       

“Looks like you’re a shy one
,” says a different blonde than the White Queen.  She walks over to me.  “I like the shy ones,” the blonde whispers in my ear.  She wears a pink t-shirt that says
Cutie
with the symbol for pi beneath it and denim shorts.  “You want to come and have a party with me, shy guy?” she asks as she runs her hand through my hair.

I nod
, partly because she is admittedly stunning but also because I like her shirt. And she asked me to come with her, sparing me the embarrassment of having to speak several stuttered utterances requesting that she come with me.  Cutie Pi takes me by the hand and leads me into the back.     

The exte
rior of the Ranch is akin to a motel, while the interior is much more hospitable.  The bedroom is nicely furnished.  A king-sized bed with black satin sheets lies in the center of the room as if it were a black hole always ready to suck you in from wherever else you might happen to be.  Likely all the beds in the Ranch are kings in order to accommodate the more than two participant parties partaken in by revelers such as Seth.

There is also a leather couch and a Jacuzzi tub in the
bathroom for those looking for something a bit more creative to have their parties in.  Finally, there’s a fireplace to cuddle by for those inclined to have what Seth called the girlfriend experience, where the party simulates a more intimate encounter one would share with someone with whom they felt emotionally connected.  Seth was quite adamant about not having a girlfriend experience.