Your Princess is in Another Castle (9 page)

“I’ll be right back,” McMullan
says to me as she leaves and shuts the door behind her.  I imagine Professor McMullan must be rather popular.  Although once when I was partnered with a jock indistinguishable from a club-wielding ogre for a class activity I remarked to him that I thought she was hot. 
Yeah, she’s okay
was his indifferent reply.

Waiting for McMullan
to return I glance at her bookshelf.  She has a number of volumes on film, including several specifically related to science fiction.  She also has quite the collection of Phillip K. Dick.  I recall a course I took with her last year where we watched Blade Runner in class and the near coma-inducing boredom it invoked in the majority of my classmates.  One, a female, had texted throughout the film in a desperate bid just to maintain consciousness, a behavior she often repeated throughout the semester.  No doubt on the weekends she serves as a cheerleader for sanctioned beer pong tournaments. 

McMullan had to be a
professor.  She couldn’t be a student my age with her kind of interests.  On her desk is a photo of her with a man who appears to be her husband (he wears a tuxedo, she a wedding gown) and I hold the man in utter contempt.  He looks several years younger than her, and the thought of the couple having sex disgusts me.  But while he smiles in the wedding photo, his eyes reveal the sadness of a life-long battle against impotence, and the significantly differing levels of melanin between him and the children in accompanying photographs confirms his lack of potency and the adopted status of the children.  Long has Professor McMullan likely lived a life of extreme sexual deprivation, or so I shall choose to believe.      

She
returns and mock barricades the door by sliding her chair in front of it.  I watch her sit atop her desk and imagine a discussion between us on how awful Harrison Ford’s narration is in the theatrical version of Blade Runner and how we’d both agree that the often mentioned rumor of him botching the lines on purpose so the narration would be cut from the final film is true.  An office makeout session would follow, on her desk of course, unless professor-themed porn has lied to me.  Back in reality however McMullan merely sits on her desk and looks at me, pondering whether or not she wishes to vent as the conversation she just had has clearly made her frustrated.

“Sorry.  There shouldn’t be a
ny more interruptions now,” she says.  Sadly, McMullan sees me as nothing more than a lowly student.  Had I been a colleague perhaps I could have been her confidant. 

“It’s no problem.
  I was just looking at your books.  It looks like you’re pretty into sci-fi.”

“Yep,” she says.  “Are you?”

“Yeah.  Watching movies like Total Recall
as a child got me into Phillip K. Dick. And I like movies with a mixture of science-fiction and action.  And fantasy.  Although admittedly, I never saw Blade Runner until we watched it in class.”

“So you like
Terminator, Predator, Highlander?” she asks with enthusiasm. 

I don’t immediately respond,
just look at her dumbstruck.  Some quick mental rewinding confirms she actually did just ask if I liked Highlander.  “There can be only one,” I say, quoting the franchise’s famous tagline, but in this usage I’m referring to the number of men who have the privilege of being married to Professor McMullan.  I consider asking if her husband is named Scott, but I imagine he is and don’t really want confirmation. 

“Clan MacLeod,” says my professor. 
“I’ve actually been to the village of Glenfinnan.  It’s a beautiful place.  But I’m Scottish, so I’m biased.  Do you ever write any sci-fi or fantasy yourself?”

“No.  I don’t have any ideas for that.  Well, I did have one.  A somewhat comical
idea about a guy who wakes up to find that he’s been written out of his own life, with his employer and family having never heard of him before.  I got the idea from Happy Days, after the character Chuck Cunningham was written out of the show and erased from ever having existed in the show’s continuity.  Only my character was written out of his own life, but didn’t disappear.”                  

“I like it,” says
Professor McMullan.  “It sounds funny, and there are a lot of questions of identity that can be explored with it.  How much of our own identity do we garner from other peoples’ impressions of us?  You should write that.  Or something autobiographical, I’m sure there are a lot of potential stories you can draw from your own experience.  Now, between Happy Days, Pong, and paraphrasing Groucho Marx earlier, you sure seem to have a proclivity for things that are before your time.”

“Yeah,” I say.  “It helps to alienate me from people my own age.”

McMullan laughs.  “Well, feel free to come by and chat again whenever you feel like you can’t relate to your contemporaries.  Although I get the impression you largely choose to be a social pariah, you don’t appear to have much difficulty socializing when you make the attempt.  And hopefully I’ve managed to help you out a little.”

“Yes, thank you, you have.  I should be able
to complete something before my story workshop.”

“Good.  Oh, if you know anyone who needs a date, give them this
.”  Professor McMullan hands me a copy of the school newspaper.  “One of my students is in a sorority that’s having a bachelorette auction as a fundraising activity.  She asked me if I’d help spread the word.”

I take the newspaper.  Was McMullan
acting solely on the assumption that I was single? Perhaps she really had promised to assist in promoting the event. 

“I’ll pass it along to
someone who can use it,” I say.

“Man, I wish I was like Boba Fett sexy,” says Chris.

“Boba Fett sexy?” I ask.

“Yeah, Boba Fett sexy.”

“What does that mean?”  We step out of his car and begin the approach to
The Vault.  It will be the first time I’ll have seen Sabrina since first chatting with her nearly two weeks ago.

“Well, you know how
he’s all like really cool and quiet,” says Chris.  “He doesn’t need to say or really even do anything to be that way either, he just is and he knows it. Women like the Boba Fett type.  A little mysteriousness, a little danger.  That’s sexy to them.  Just walk into a room and own it via your sheer presence. 

“And Boba Fett
doesn’t have to prove anything, either.  When Leia’s masquerading as Boushh and she pulls that stunt with the thermal detonator, is he at all concerned about being shown up by another bounty hunter? Hell no.  He just gives that
I’m impressed
nod to Boushh and is completely at ease, because he’s Boba Fett and he knows he’s the best. 

“
Now I couldn’t be like that.  I see some guy chatting up my girl at a party and I’m heading straight over there and taking her hand to let any potential usurpers know she’s mine.  But Boba Fett wouldn’t care because he’s confident.  He’s sexy.  I’m not Boba Fett sexy.”

“Tha
t’s all just the armor, I think.”

“
See, now anyone who doesn’t like Boba Fett always says that he’s overrated, that take away the armor and he’s just another bounty hunter.  Now is the armor a part of his appeal?  Yes.  Wearing Mandalorian armor is like being a really good-looking guy. But Boba is more than that.  He’d have the same charm even without the armor.  He’s got the armor so he may as well wear it yeah, and he’ll look good in it for the big reveal when he emerges next to Vader and the good guys realize Lando set them up.  But it wasn’t the armor that made him realize the stunt Han was pulling by hiding the Falcon in the Empire’s garbage.  Now my entire theory is undermined by the whole clone of Jango prequel BS.  But we can just ignore that, of course.”

“Of course.”  We pause outside the door.

“You ready to see your girl?” asks Chris.  “See, you don’t even have to be Boba Fett sexy.  Sabrina responds to your nerd charm, but you refuse to act on it.”

“We’ll see.  Like I told you, if she likes me so much, she can ask me out.”

“Well, she’s not going to do that.  She’s shy.  She’ll want you to ask her.  But you’re about to see her again, I suppose that’s something.  And who knows, maybe she’ll even pick up on your stubbornness and make the first move.  But I doubt it.  I was all like
he’s really shy
and she was all like
but so am I
.”                     

Inside
Sabrina mans the store like a perky sentry, standing attentively and wearing a blue t-shirt that reads
I Love Nerds
with the word
love
substituted with a red heart.  No one else is currently in the store.  Certainly Sabrina must have other admirers, so where could they be?  I’d appreciate the opportunity to view her interacting with her other fans to see if she acted differently around them than me. 

Sabrina
homes in on us immediately.  “Hey, Chris,” she says.  She looks at me and smiles, is adorable in her t-shirt.  “Hi,” she says.  “It’s been awhile.  I hope Chris didn’t have to drag you back in here against your will.”    

Sabrina’s adorability:
such a thing must be commented on.  “Not at all,” I say. “It’s just last time I was a little unclear whether or not you really liked nerds.  But if your attire is to be believed then you do.”  

She looks down at her chest.  “Ah, yes, I was th
inking that maybe I was being a little too subtle during our last encounter.  Rest assured though, I do have a thing for nerds.  But how do I know you’re really one of us?  You could just be faking it to impress me.  You should definitely take my nerd test.  Right now.”

“Oh, believe me
when I say he doesn’t need to take that,” says Chris.  “Just tell her about beer pong, that’ll give her all the proof she needs.”

“She
doesn’t need to hear about that,” I say.  “So, what’s this about a nerd test?”

“It seems that Mr.
Cartwright has embarrassed you,” says Sabrina.  “Now I really want to know about beer pong.  Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me-tell-me,” she exclaims, bouncing up and down.

“I don’t see how I could ignore a request like that,” I say.
  “Go ahead Chris, tell her about beer pong.  I don’t know if I could actually get the words out.”  It’d be too much to ask for Sabrina to have never heard of beer pong.  I hope she’ll see some humor in the anecdote beyond the lameness.

“He was in a st
ory writing class the other day,” says Chris.  “In the story being talked about some guys were playing beer pong at a party.  And this guy,” Chris says as he pats me on the back, “this guy isn’t the party type.  So the only Pong he’s ever heard of is the Stone Age videogame version.  So he raises his hand and asks the author what a bunch of frat boys are doing playing Pong at a house party, thinking they’ve turned it into some kind of drinking game.”

Sabrina laughs.  “That’
s totally awesome.  Definitely very high up on the nerd scale.  But don’t feel bad.  Some of us girls like me love our nerds.”  She tugs the bottom of her shirt to emphasize its message.  I smile at her.  “Now, you can still take my test, if you want an official nerd score,” she adds.

“Take the test,” says Chris.  “See if you can
beat my score.  I’m going to go browse the Magic cards.”  He walks away with rigidly straight posture, a man on a mission.

“He did pretty well, scored i
n the twenties,” says Sabrina.  “But before we begin, you are a Star Wars fan, right?  I could give you a few other subject tests, but it works best for Star Wars.  Plus, I won’t like you as much if you’re not into Star Wars,” she says as she makes a mock frowny face.

“Don’t worry about that.  I can tell you that Skywa
lker was originally Starkiller, and that Jaina was born before Jacen.  Oh, and I was actually conceived the night my parents saw The Empire Strikes Back.”

“Uh-huh.  You stole that from
The Simpsons.”

“God, you’re beautiful.”

Sabrina laughs and runs a hand through her hair as if she were unused to receiving such a compliment.  “Well, it would seem that you are up to my challenge.  So here’s how it goes. You have to name for me as many characters from the movies as you can, but they have to be characters whose names weren’t actually given in the movies themselves. 

“
Take the Emperor, for example.  In the films he’s always just referred to as the Emperor.  The name Palpatine is never mentioned.  So he would count.  Now, no one from the prequels counts, because those really sucked.  Nor does any character that only exists in the special editions, because I’ll keep my wolfman thanks.

“
You get one point for every character you name.  One character is a special case and you get five bonus points if you identify why.  Now, if you name someone who is actually referred to by name in one of the films, then you lose a point.  Stump me with at least one character from each film and you get a bonus prize.  But I’ve been giving this test for awhile now, and so far no one’s ever done that.  Ready when you are.”

“What’s the
bonus prize?”

“Let’s
wait and see if there’s any chance you’ll win it first.”

“Fair enough.  Well,
I guess I’ll start with characters from Episode IV.  Davin Felth springs to mind.”

“Who’s that?”

“He’s the stormtrooper who says
look sir, droids
in the desert.”

“Really?  You got a source to back that up?”

“It’s in The Essential Guide to Characters.  Later on he joins the rebels.”

“Hmm, well okay I’ll take your word on that.
  So you managed to stump me on your very first try.  Not bad.  Keep going.”

“Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan harass Luke in the can
tina.  I used to know a lot more of the guys in there but prequel bitterness has made me care a lot less than I used to.”

“I understand.  That’s three.”

“Porkins, the big guy in the Death Star assault.  Was he named in the movie?”

“Yes.  Biggs says
cover me, Porkins
.  I’m afraid that’s going to cost you a point. You’re back down to two.  But don’t feel bad, because he costs lots of people a point.”

“Darn
, I don’t recall that.  Well, uh, on to Empire, you’ve got Bren Derlin.”

“Who?”

“He’s the rebel in Echo Base that’s played by John Ratzenberger.  Says that the gate must be closed even though Solo hasn’t returned yet.”

“Cliff Clavin was in
The Empire Strikes Back?  Wow, I guess there is always more to learn.  Unless you’re just messing with me.”

“Look it up, he’s in there.”

“I will.  You’re back to three.  And you’ve stumped me for a second time.  You’re almost there.” 

“So what’s the grand prize?”

“It depends on how cute I think the testee is.”

“What will I get
, then?”

“I dunno.  What would you like?”

“Well, let’s not jump ahead.  I still have to stump you one more time.  Let’s see, for Empire the only other ones I know for sure are the bounty hunters Vader hires to find the Millennium Falcon.  There were six of them.  4-LOM and IG-88 were the two droids. Dengar was the human, Bossk and Zuckuss were the aliens.  And last but not least there was Boba Fett.  Now his name wasn’t said on film until Jedi, although he was actually introduced in the Holiday Special.”

“Alright, Boba Fett is the special case
.  That gives you five bonus points which brings you up to fourteen total.  Impressive, most impressive, and you’ve still got one film left.  I hope you can stump me one more time.”

“Are
you a big Boba Fett fan?”

“Of course!
  What kind of question is that?  Cool helmet, rocket pack, what’s not to love?  Plus, he’s pretty sexy.  He’s got that mysterious quality going where you’re just dying to know more about him.”

“Yeah, I mean I like him and all and he looks cool,
but his end is just a few steps above Darth Maul’s gee-I-wonder-what-the-Jedi-knight-is-doing-I’m-just-gonna-stand here-and-die death scene.  Plus the way he was treated in Episode II made him lose a lot of his appeal.”

“
See, I like to think that Boba was just so badass that the only way anybody could take him down would be by accident instead of a face to face confrontation.  Plus, it’s not like he was killed by Jar Jar.  There’s no shame in losing to Han Solo.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way.  Maybe you’re right.
  Now carrying on to Jedi, you’ve got Salacious Crumb, Max Rebo, Sy Snootles, Droopy McCool, Oola-”

“Every guy always gets Oola.  I don’t know what it is with guys and g
reen women, but they sure do like them.  Trek has the Orion slave girls.  Batman has Poison Ivy.”

“That’s just programmed into our genetic cod
e.  We have Orions and Twi’leks now.  The ancient Greeks had their wood nymphs.  Now they may not necessarily have had green skin, but the whole nature theme is definitely there.  There are echoes of that even today.  Tinker Bell wears a green dress.  Guys just go for the green.”

“Interesting theory.  You’ve got nineteen points, by the way.” 

“Well, the pig-like guard in Jabba’s palace was a Gamorrean.  Do races count?”

“Certainly not.  There’s a separate test for alien races
.  Come on, I know you can stump me one last time.”

“Nien Nunb, Lando’s copilot.”

“That gives you an even twenty.  But that’s an easy one.”

“Ephant Mon, the elephant-man.”

“Twenty-one.  And I think I know every denizen of Jabba’s palace, so you won’t have much luck there.  Let’s see now… oh I got it!  When Vader brings Luke before the Emperor, those two royal guards the Emperor dismisses, what were their names?  I’m sure by now they have names of their own and intricate back stories.  So what are they?”

“You’re probably right that they have
their own history and names at this point, but I’m afraid I don’t know what they are.”

“Actually,
I think that they are some of the few remaining characters to not have had their names revealed yet.  So make some up and I’ll be merciful and count them anyway. After all, you wouldn’t be trampling on canon any worse than Lucas has.”

“I’m drawing a blank.  What’s the prize, anyway?”

“Whatever you want it to be.”

“I’m not very good with names.  And it seems like
it’d be a hollow victory to win by cheating.”

“Well
, phooey… but alright, you’ve got a sense of fair play.  I can respect that. Good to know that you’re a virtuous paladin.”