Yours Always (22 page)

“No, sweetheart.  It’s not a joke, though I wish like hell that it was.”  She pulls her hand to her mouth, and her eyes brim with fresh tears.  “I’m not cool and calm.  Inside I’m falling apart, but only one of us can fall apart at a time.  One of us has to be strong.”

“I need to call Ben and Lizzy,” I say, suddenly swallowing a huge hunk of emotion so I can semi-function on autopilot.  They are in their car on their way back to Dallas, so I ask Ben to pull to the side of the road before breaking the news to him.  He’s as devastated as the rest of us and promises to be back in Lafayette as soon as possible.

Julia’s still sobbing when I decide to return the favor from earlier and hold her.  She calls out for her brother asking the same question I did—“Why?”

“There’s a letter,” I tell her.  “I don’t know if I want to read it, though.  Once I do, it’s over.  This letter is the last communication that I’ll ever have from him.  That will be it.  He’ll never have anything new to share with me.”

She nods.  “I understand what you’re saying, Savannah, but reading it is the only way we’re going to know what happened.  We have to know.”

I slowly open the envelope, and my heart grips when I recognize Fletcher’s handwriting. I slowly peruse the letter my love has left for me.

My Dearest Savannah,

If you’re reading this, then I’ve been found and you know what I’ve done.  Please let me start by saying I’m so incredibly sorry for the hurt I’m putting you through right now.  Understand that I’m doing this for a very good reason, and that it’s the only way.  I’ve thought this through very extensively, and no matter which avenue I explored, this always came back as the best option.  I’m broken.  More broken than anyone knows.  I got really good at hiding it, but towards the end, it surfaced more and more.  And then I physically hurt you, not once but three times.  Savannah, a piece of me died each time I realized what I had done.  You told me that it wasn’t my fault, and that you forgave me each time I laid hands on you, but regardless of whether or not it was intentional, I HURT YOU.  You deserve so much better than me, and I know for a fact that you would never leave me, so I had to leave you.

Maybe treatment would’ve made me better, but I can’t depend on a maybe.  What if I’d accidently killed you or someone else?  Who’s to say that it won’t happen sometime down the line? When I was home alone, I was able to do a lot of soul searching, and I believe my life’s purpose was to connect with you in a way that no one else could.  We’d both been through terrible tragedies, but where you were able to work past your trauma, I bathed in mine daily.  The faces, the smells, the sounds, the pain, I couldn’t make them disappear, not even for one stupid day.  I’m sorry that I hid that from you, but you blossomed so much while we were together, and seeing that is what got me through the last couple of years. 

I always knew in my heart that though we were meant to be together, it would only be temporary.  I was the guy who awakened you, but there will be another who will complete you.  You thought it was me, and so did I, at first, but that’s not the case.  I could barely take care of myself.  It was getting harder and harder to function every day.  Ben was nice enough to keep me on salary, but what he didn’t tell you is that I was messing everything up.  I wasn’t working on stuff for the business all those days, I was writing in a journal, keeping track of my thoughts.  I desperately hoped that writing about the demons would make them disappear.  It didn’t.  It intensified their power, but I couldn’t stop.  I was once again trapped in their darkness, and the only light around was the one that came from you.  But what happens when something drains the power from a light source?  It doesn’t matter if that source shines as brightly as the sun, it will eventually dim if it’s taxed enough.  That’s what I was doing to you.  I helped you to find your light, but then I started to drain it.  No way am I going to be responsible for your light going out.

You promised me that you’d continue with school.  I expect you to do that.  Please, mourn me, but don’t be consumed by it.  I’m free now.  My shackles have been removed and my demons slain.  I hope that it’s not too far off before you’re able to smile when you remember me, instead of shedding the tears that I know are falling from your eyes right now.  Imagine me there, wiping them from your face. 

I promise that if I’m able, I’ll look for Lucas, your dad, and Grampy.  I’ll give your baby the hug you’ve been longing for, and if that sort of thing is allowed where I’m going, I’ll adopt him as my own.  We’ll be waiting for you when it’s your time to join us, but don’t rush it.  You now know how to live a beautiful life, so go out and live it.  Do all the things we weren’t able to do.  Look for the signs.  If Molly was right, I’ll try to give you some from time to time to let you know that things are fine. 

I adore you. I cherish you. I love you.  Live for me!  Live the life I could never have.

Yours Always,

Fletcher

The last page is a copy of a photograph from our wedding.  Me, with my glowing smile, and Fletcher with his handsome face…  My falling tears smudge the ink. 

I hand the letter to Julia so she can read it, and then I immediately scour the office for the journal he referred to in the letter.  I find it in the top right drawer underneath a life insurance policy, a list of final wishes, and a wilted daisy.  Julia enters the room.

“He had this planned, Julia.  He knew.  He knew when we went to bed last night.  He knew when we had breakfast this morning.  He knew when I kissed him goodbye.  He fucking knew the entire time!  How could he do this to me?  How could he leave me?  How did I not see it coming?”

She softly rubs my back.  “I don’t have the answers.  I wish I did, but I’m just like you.  I’m feeling the same anger.  I’m feeling the same guilt.  I’m feeling the same sadness.”  She sighs heavily.  “Don’t blame yourself.  None of us knew.  None of us noticed how bad it was.”

There is a sticky note on the plastic sheath covering the insurance policy.  On it he’s laid out where he’d like the money to go:  funeral costs, paying off the house, taking the trip we were going to take (I’m to bring Julia and Molly with me), and then I’m to save the rest for a rainy day.

“What does he say about funeral arrangements?” Julia asks.

“He wants to be buried in a plot next to Brody.  He feels that he should’ve died that day, and even though he physically survived, he considers that day his true date of death.  He wants to be laid to rest next to his brother.”  I swallow hard because all of this is steadily ripping my heart to shreds.  “He says that he didn’t die a hero’s death, but if possible, he’d like ‘Taps’ played at his funeral.  Oh my God, this is so hard to read.”  I put the note down until I can better compose myself.

“Savannah!  Savannah!  Where are you?” Ben calls from the front room.  I’m suddenly filled with so much rage that I run through the house and charge at Ben full force.  The collision not only startles him but knocks him off his feet.  I take advantage of his confusion and pummel the hell out of him while he’s on the ground.  Lizzy screams at me to stop, but I can’t.  I hit him over and over until I’m exhausted, and Ben just steadily takes it.  When I collapse onto his chest from fatigue, I start to sob.  “Why didn’t you tell me?  Why did you hide the fact that he wasn’t doing his job right?  I could’ve gotten him help.  He’d still be here if it weren’t for you. You have to know that.  It’s your fault he’s gone.”

“Savannah!” Julia fusses, trying to lift me off Ben.

“She’s not saying anything I haven’t already told myself.  She’s right.  Savannah, this probably won’t provide you with much comfort, and it doesn’t excuse anything, but you have to know that I only did what I thought was best.  He was helpful, and he did do a lot of work for me, but eventually it got to be too much for him.  I thought I was being a good friend by cutting his workload.  I was only trying to help.  You have to believe that, Savannah.  I’d give anything to do it all differently, but I can’t.  If you want to spend the rest of your life blaming me, go ahead, but please don’t think that I did any of this on purpose.”

I’m too tired and emotionally drained to stand, so I carefully crawl my way over to the sofa, prop my face in my hands, and lean back against the cushions.  “I’m sorry, Ben,” I softly say.  “I’m so sorry.  Of course you did what you thought was right, and I’m grateful for what you did.  I’m just so hurt and so angry.  So unbelievably angry.”  I sigh loudly.  “Will you please forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Savannah,” Ben says, picking himself up from the floor.  “Will someone please tell us what happened?  How did he…,” Ben forlornly hangs his head.

“I’ll make some coffee.  Maybe it would be better for us to sit around the table to discuss the situation,” Julia suggests.

I nod.  We all follow her into the kitchen, and once we’ve situated our mugs, I begin to tell the story, “You know I was supposed to fly with him to Colorado, but instead, I dropped him off at the airport because he cancelled my ticket the night before.  He told me that he didn’t want me to miss more school than necessary, and he also had a whole list of reasons why it would be better for me not to fly with him.  I never once suspected anything out of the ordinary.  We said our goodbyes, and I left him after he’d passed through security.”

“There was nothing he said that seemed odd?  His demeanor wasn’t off?” Lizzy asks.

I shake my head.  “The only thing that makes better sense now than it did before is that he kept telling me everything he does, he does for me.  I thought he was talking about getting treatment, or cancelling my flight, or something along those lines.  I now know that he was talking about leaving me.”

“So, he never got on the plane?” Ben asks.

“No.  A deputy showed up at my door earlier today and said that Fletcher left the airport and rented a car.  He drove it to some isolated spot not far from I-10, and a patrolman who was making his rounds found him.  They believe he took an overdose of sleeping pills, but they won’t know for sure until the toxicology results come back.  He left this note.  It’s not the original, but they said I’ll get the original as soon as they wrap up the case.” I gently place the envelope I’d been fiddling with on the table and push it towards Ben.

“Are you sure?” he quietly asks.  I nod.  He takes the envelope and excuses himself to read it. 

The front door opens and just as quickly, slams shut.  “Mom!  I got your note saying I should meet you at Aunt Savannah’s…  Whoa, who died?” Molly jokes.  After studying the looks on our faces, anxiety shows on hers.  “Mom, did someone die?” 

I turn my face away from her. 

“Oh, Mom.  It wasn’t… was it?  Did something happen to Uncle Fletcher?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so, sweetheart,” Julia answers.

Hearing the distraught wails coming from young Molly kills me.  I manage to quickly kiss the top of her head before dashing into our bedroom.  My bedroom.  There is no more “our.”  Fletcher left me.  He abandoned me. He abandoned all of us, and now he’s gone forever while we’re left behind to tread water in a sea of sorrow and regret.

After about half an hour of being alone, Lizzy cracks the bedroom door.  She tiptoes through the dark room and slips in the bed next to me. 

“The pillows smell like him,” I whisper.  Lizzy doesn’t respond.  Instead, she lightly strokes my hair.  “Are Julia and Molly still here?”

“No,” she quietly answers, “they left about ten minutes ago.  Julia said she’ll come by tomorrow morning to help you with the arrangements.”

I nod.  “I’m sorry I attacked Ben.”

“Don’t.  We both understand.  I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain again.”

“You’d think it would quit hurting so much by now, right?  I’ve been dealing with pain and loss my entire life, yet it still manages to crush me.”  A single tear rolls from the corner of my eye.

“I don’t think it’ll ever not hurt to lose someone you love, Savannah.”

“Fletcher wants me to finish school, and he wants me to find someone new to love, and he wants me to go on like none of this has even fazed me.  How in the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“You just take it one step at a time.  Each day will get easier,” Lizzy answers.

“I’m pregnant.”

Lizzy sits up in the bed.  “What?” she exclaims.

“I didn’t want to tell him until he got back because I wanted him to focus on the treatment instead of me.  He died without knowing he’s going to be a father.”

“Oh, Savannah,” Lizzy gasps.  “Why didn’t you say anything before?  Are you feeling okay?  The stress.  The…”

I shake my head.  “I’m okay, at least as far as that is concerned.  I’m not cramping or bleeding.  I promise that I’ll try to rest more and to be more careful with how I handle things.  If I lose this baby, then I lose everything.  I lose my last connection to Fletcher, and I can’t let that happen.”

“You’ll just have to lean on us more.  Ben can stay down here for a couple of weeks before he has to go back to Texas.  I can stay as long as you need.”

“Thank you for being such a great friend. I always wished that you were my sister,” I admit.

“What are you talking about?” Lizzy asks.  “I AM your sister.”