Zenith Falling (12 page)

Joelle froze. She could not believe they were having this conversation, or that Nick was saying this to her. Never mind that his offer sent something electric through her at the thought he would be willing to help her so much. “No. I won’t, and I’m not ever going to leave him. I can’t believe you’d even suggest it.”

“I can’t believe you don’t jump at the opportunity.”

She finally raised her eyes to his, and he lifted the corner of his mouth.
Was that a smile?

She couldn’t help smiling as she said,
“Nick, stop it. Please. I’m not leaving Rob.”

He shook his head. “You’re wasting your lif
e on him. Someday, you’ll see it, and when you do, come see me.”

“You don’t know what you’re
saying; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Nick opened the door for her, and held it.
He stared into her eyes as she started past him. “That’s the sad part, Joelle, I know exactly what I’m talking about. I just fear how long it will be before you see it. Just do me a favor okay? Watch your back. And if you need me, I’ll be here. Whether I’m pissed off at you or not, I’ll always be here if you need it.”

Things began to improve for Joelle over the next few months. Then Rob’s latest demo came back: rejected. He was so depressed, he started drinking at ten o’clock that morning. Each rejection sent Rob deeper and deeper into the vicious cycle of depression, partying, and drinking more. All of it affected Joelle’s life, as well as all the strangers that followed Rob’s destructive path.

Joelle hated it.
It was every day and every night. Rob slept entire days away; he was sick, losing weight, and miserable. His whole body shook from the time he got up until he took his first drink. He was desperate for Joelle’s company, but he often became angry at her, or picked a fight, or was mean like he never was before.

The honeymoon of the new job, during which she felt hopeful, and that things were headed in the right way for them, started to wear off. The job was her favorite place to go, anything to get away from the hell she lived in. But then
, another few months went by and she was exhausted again. The stomachaches returned. Her mind had a hard time focusing and keeping up with her schedule. She lost weight again as her appetite was diminished by her frequent stomachaches. Whatever small spurt of optimism she once had was gone and she finally quit smiling, quit seeking Nick’s company, quit thinking, and tried to quit feeling.

She found a new Al-Anon meeting to attend. It met on early Saturday mornings. This time, she got it. She knew how miserable she was, and began to sense how others at these meetings felt. She started nodding in agreement with the speakers. She started listening, believing, and relating to the others. She was living with an alcoholic who was ruining her life.
It was like walking on eggshells each moment she spent at home. Joelle didn’t know what to do. She tried talking to Rob, but it always seemed to make things worse. At long last, she realized that her life was just as bad as Nick said it was.

“Mr. Lassiter, there’s an urgent call I think you should take.”

Bev was standing in his doorway, and he was right in the middle of working through a complex computer program. “I said to hold my calls.”

“It’s about Joelle, sir; I thought you’d want to know.”

Bev looked Nick squarely in the eye, but she kept her expression carefully blank.

“All right
, thanks,” he said, as he picked up his phone.

“
Nick Lassiter?”

“Yes.”

“This is Betty Gallion, head nurse at Seattle City Hospital. We have your sister here, and she listed you as her emergency contact. She came into the ER complaining of acute stomach pain, and then passed out. I thought you’d like to know where she was.”

“My sister?”

“Yes. Joelle. Joelle Williams. You are her brother, aren’t you? She has you listed as that.”

“Uh. Yeah. Sure. Joelle, of course. I’ll be right there.”
Nick immediately got up, his heart suddenly racing. What was wrong with Joelle? Why did she write down his name for emergencies? Why did she pass out? He hurried past Bev without a word, and didn’t bother to lock his office door. The panic in his gut overshadowed every other thought: those rational, cold, analytical thoughts that usually dominated his life. His emotions were on high alert. Suddenly, in a panic, he could think about nothing, but getting to Joelle and the hospital.

Upon
his  arrival, he waded through the crowded waiting room and staff of nurses until finally, he was allowed into Joelle’s hospital room, where she was admitted. He found her reclined on the bed, her unnaturally black hair contrasting with her stark pallor, and giving her a harsher appearance. He sat down in a spare chair he found beside the bed. What was wrong with her? She looked so tiny lying there, so defenseless. Having not seen much of her in the past months, since her visit to his apartment, they left things somewhat strained between them as was evidenced in the few times they passed each other at work. Still, she wrote his name on her admission papers. Why? What did that mean? And why was he so willing, almost frantic, to drop everything the moment he heard something about her?

A nurse came in and
checked her vitals before noting them down on the chart and leaving again. Nick sat there quietly, until finally, Joelle started to come around. Slowly, her eyes fluttered open. Her head rolled to the side and she was physically startled, as she gasped, “Nick?”

“Hi
, Joelle.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Any good brother would visit his little sister in the hospital.”

She flinched.
“Oh, yeah. I did do that.”

“Why? Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know.”

Nick shook his head. “It doesn’t matter why. How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Are you all right?”

She nodded, looking away. “I know why I did it.”

“Did what?”

“I put you down as my brother because I knew I could rely on you to come, no matter what.”

The huge elephant in the room
, or why she couldn’t rely on her husband anymore, was not mentioned. But why, Nick wondered, did someone as young and healthy as Joelle wind up in the hospital, needing an emergency contact?

“I’m sorry you bothered to come down here. For nothing.”

“Must be something, if you’re lying in a hospital bed. Want to tell me about it?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong, Joelle?”

“Everything,” she said, turning her head away.

Nick snapped to attention when he heard a noise and commotion coming down the hall, which terminated at Joelle’s room. There stood Rob, and all his friends from the band. All were strangely attired for visiting the hospital at two o’clock in the afternoon. Rob always wore black, and accessorized it with chains, heavy necklaces and even a spiked dog collar on his neck.

“Baby, what happened? I just got your voice mail,” Rob said, coming forward, hardly sparing a glance at Nick. Taking Joelle’s hand, he nearly slid into bed with her. Why did Rob have a cell phone
and Joelle didn’t?

Joelle glanced over at Nick, and quickly looked away as if she were embarrassed to be ca
ught with Rob in front of him, or vice versa. Whatever was wrong, Joelle wasn’t ready to discuss it.

“I have an infection.”

“From what? What kind? What the hell is this?”

“I-ah, well
, it’s, you know, private. A girl kind of infection.”

“No
, obviously, I don’t know.”

Nick stood up then. Wha
tever was wrong, he could see that Joelle needed and craved her privacy.

“We’ll leave you two alone,” Nick said, glaring a
t the band members in a tacit command for them to get out too.

Rob turned towards him. “You’re the boss, right? Lassiter
, isn’t it? What the hell are you doing here?”

“She got sick at work,” Nick said, without blinking or a moment’s hes
itation. Joelle nodded in gratitude.

“Seem to be everywhere lately
, don’t you?” Rob mumbled as he turned back to Joelle, taking the chair Nick just vacated.

Nick left, feeling unsure of what else he could do. Not knowing what was really wrong with Joelle,
he sensed she wanted him to stay there. And why didn’t he feel the slightest bit weird about showing up everywhere Joelle happened to be, when her husband wasn’t? A few weeks earlier, he wanted to bow out whenever Rob showed up. Suddenly, today, he wanted nothing more than to order Rob to get away from Joelle, and tell him to leave her the hell alone. Why didn’t he feel bad about that? Or guilty? Surely, he would not have felt that way only a few weeks before? Now, however, he felt justified. Rob was a lousy husband, and a lousy friend even to Joelle. And Nick wasn’t. He was good to her, and good for her. So why did Rob get all the rights to her?

Because
, of course, they were married.

Attending a charity dinner that he’d paid for weeks ago, he seemed di
stant, almost absent to Erica, and barely registered any memory of the function. About halfway through, he became overly worried about Joelle. He was angry she wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with her, yet still relied on him and not her husband. What did she want? Or need from him? And how far was he willing to go? Becoming her fill-in husband? Or just her reliable friend? What was he to her?

He dropped Erica off at her apartment early, with little more th
an a chaste kiss goodbye and drove straight to the hospital. The hospital seemed much dimmer as patients slept for the night, and the staff was smaller. Even the sounds of the ventilators and other machines were muted. Joelle’s room was empty, but for her. Rob didn’t stay. The thought suddenly crossed Nick’s mind: what was he thinking by coming here at this hour? He started to leave when she stirred.

“Nick? Why are you back here?”

“I was out, and thought I’d stop in and make sure you were okay.”

“Out where?”
she asked, eyeing his tuxedo.

“Out at a fund-raiser. Nothing big. I’ll leave now and let you rest.”

“Wait.” Her hand snaked out and grabbed his as he started to turn. He looked down at her small hand on his. “I don’t need that much rest.”

He smiled at her warm tone, and pulled the chair up closer to her head.
He sat down, still holding her hand, then sandwiching it between his own. Why was he so reluctant to let go?

“Why are you really here?” Joelle asked.

“I knew he’d leave you alone tonight. I didn’t want you to be alone unless you wanted to be.”

She didn’t have to ask who “he” was. She waited a long moment before answering, “I don’t want to be alone.”

Nick leaned forward, resting her hand against his forehead. What the hell was he going to do?

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, after a
while.

She turned her head away and fixed her gaze on the bare wall. “I have an infection.”

“So you said. What does that mean?” He frowned when he thought about what she wouldn’t tell him. “Did you have a miscarriage? Is that what you were too embarrassed to say in front of me?”

Tears welled up in her eyes, but still, she didn’t turn towards him.
“Not this time.”

“Not this time?” he repeated, looking confused. “What does that mean?”

“It means I miscarried a few weeks ago. I thought everything was fine. But it wasn’t. There was still some stuff stuck in me. It got infected, and caused me to end up here.”

“You were pregnant?” He didn’t like hearing that. Not one bit. “Were you trying to get pregnant?”

She shifted her gaze to his face. “No. Of course not. You should know better than anyone. ”

He stared into her eyes,
and tried to read what was there. “You miscarried?”

She looked him squarely in the eye. “Yes. I
did. And I was glad.”

“And that’s what made you sick?”

“Yes. It’s what got infected.”

He stared. Silent. Thinking. Considering. Her eyes looked big, sad, and hollow in her face. She
was exhausted, alone and lost.

“Why didn’t you say something to me before now?”

“Say what? I’m the poster child for every stupid cliché there ever was? Say that I was happy that it happened? Say that I was glad it kept me from having to make an even more painful decision. So you could tell me what kind of bad person I am?”

“You’re not stupid. You’re not a bad person. And you didn’t need to go through any of this alone.”

She looked away and remained silent, apparently thinking, before she finally said, “Rob doesn’t know about any of it. He only knows about the infection.”

What did that mean? Why did he know, but Rob didn’t? Why didn’t she tell her own husband?
The thought of their sex life filled him with an unreasonable jealousy and possessiveness. Bile nearly climbed up his throat.

Now he worried about how Joelle felt about the incident.
He was sorry she had to endure the whole thing alone. Sorry she had no one, not even him, whom she felt she could turn to.

“Do you get what I’m saying
?”

He looked into her eyes, and met her shy, scared expression on her tragically lo
st, lonely face. “I get it.”

“And
–”

“And I’m sorry you had to g
o through it alone.”

“You don’t judge me? Hate me?”

“No.”

She nodded
and looked away. Her shoulders seemed to slump with relief. “I can’t tell Rob.”

“Wh
at
can
you tell Rob? If not this?”

“
Just not this.”

“Do you ever get tired of dealing with everything on your own, while still supporting him? You know, lots of spouses don’t work, but they usually do something if they stay at home. They cook, clean, help out, do laundry, do something. Don’t you ever get tired of doing it all?”

“I think you know how tired I get.”

“Then why is it I see it and he doesn’t?” Nick asked, hard pressed to mask the disgust from his voice when saying
he
in reference to Rob Williams.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, her eyes big, as something flickered in them. Fear? Why would she fear him?

“I shouldn’t be here,” Nick murmured.

“Why? Every girl needs her brother at times like this.”

“Except… I’m not your brother, am I?”

Her head moved back and forth slowly on the pillow, and her eyes held his. “No. No, you’re
not.”

Silence fell between them, and he was glad for the shadows in her room. He wasn’t sure he wanted her to see what was on his face because he wasn’t sure what
he was feeling. Why was he there? And why, suddenly, had Rob become his nemesis?

“Why didn’t you tell Rob about the miscarriage when it happened? Were you afraid? Has he ever appeared threatening to you?”

“No. Rob wouldn’t physically hurt me.”

“I asked you if he ever seemed threatening.”

She hesitated, and Nick read between the lines.

“He gets mad at me, he yells, but he doesn’t hit me or anything like that. And sometimes, he
gets short-tempered with me, but only when he’s drunk.”

“Which is all the time. But could he be? Is he threatening you now? It’s a yes or no question.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes
, it is. Since it’s not, the answer can’t be no. Why do you–”

“Please don’t ask it. Please. I’m tired. I can’t deal with that right now. What you want me to do, or what you think I should do. I know what you think; just please, not now.”

Nick exhaled a long breath and clenched his fist. But he stopped talking and stopped pressing her. He stopped throwing her unhappy life in her face along with her unstable situation, which could turn volatile at any time. The more Joelle pressed Rob to change, and try to stop the behavior that Rob craved and needed, the more potential for violence was possible.