Zenith Falling (19 page)

“Yes. He was like the sun shining on me, on my life, after years of isolation, darkness, and even suicidal thoughts. Suddenly, I had everything to live for. He wanted me all the time. I was never alone again. I was never left behind, left out, or abandoned. He cared that I was there. He always wanted me. He has always cared about me. And he has always loved me.”

“Okay
, if he is still all that for you, then why did it suddenly turn so bad? If he’s as wonderful as you have him built up to be, why is he still a lazy, almost great singer, who expects you to do everything, while he does nothing? If he really loves you, why doesn’t he ever know what you need? Or want? Why can’t he do anything for you or help you?”

“We just got so lost, in all the unending tides of people. All the alcohol, the parties, the drugs.”

“He got lost. You’re right there. Don’t forget that. Just because Rob made you feel better a long time ago, doesn’t mean he’s that same person today. Or that you even need what he gave you anymore.”

She looked up at him sharply, her lips twisted in a frown. “
He’s the only person who has ever loved me and not abandoned me.”

“Someone else can love you and not hurt you in a million different ways each day. Rob might love you, but it’s obsessive, harmful, and very one-sided. Someone else will love you. You won’t be alone for long.”

She finally sank down into the couch, shrugged her shoulders, and looked at the TV.

“I thought you’d want to know what I was thinking about, how I come to my conclusions. You should realize that I’m not the person you’d like to pretend I am.”

“I see why you dropped everything for Rob. I do. But what I see happening now is that reality is finally catching up to you. His love is nothing but narcissistic neediness, his ego will never be satisfied, and he is drowning you. And if you need proof of that, I could give you about twenty instances in just the short time I’ve been involved.”

“You can be very harsh.”

“I am harsh. I expect a lot out of people. My employees, my family, my friends.”

“Why don’t you expect it out of me then?”

“I have. I do.”

“No
, you don’t. You think I’m misunderstood, or confused. You excuse me for everything.”

He shrugged, unwilling to acknowledge his emotional response to her, when he didn’t know what he felt. “You’re the one who doesn’t forgive yourself ever, but you forgive him no matter what.”

“You don’t know Rob. I do. I know what he came from. Why he’s becoming who he is. You don’t like it, but I understand Rob perfectly. It isn’t just his ego, or his neediness, it’s his own pain that gets him so moody, and volatile, and so drunk.”

“Okay he carries issues with him, a shitty childhood, he doesn
’t know any better. But at what point does his treatment of you matter? At what point do you matter?”

She shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’m just telling you I understand Rob perfectly, what he thinks, what he feels, and how he acts. What I don’t understand is you. Why you take me in, why you help me, why you give me money, why you fixed my car and lied to me about how much it was.”

Nick shifted, how did she find out about that? “The car was because it was that unsafe, and unreliable. You couldn’t afford it. Get over it. We’ve been over the money thing before.”

“You can’t buy me.”

“I can’t save you from yourself or your husband either
, can I?” Nick said quietly. Turning away, he glared out the windows.

“Why do you even want to?”

She got up, and started to step over his feet. He pried and didn’t back off Rob like he usually did. He didn’t forgive Rob no matter what Rob’s lame excuses were. Nick cared about Joelle’s perspective, not Rob’s. She saw both perspectives. Nick pushed. And she hated that. He made her mad.

Without thinking, he reached out,
and grabbed her arm. She stopped, and turned, now in front of where he sat.

“I can’t stand to see w
hat your life is like with Rob,” he said quietly.

“It’s not for you to say. It’s for me to say. My decision. My choice of lifestyle.”

She glared at him, hard and angry, her emotions running high. Why could she so easily tell him off, and express herself to him, but she always became a submissive doormat around her husband?

Nick’s hand was on her elbow, using his finger and tracing the initials on her arms outlined in blue and black. It reminded him of who she was, and who Joelle thought she belonged to. He looked up at her, and they were nearly eye-level with him seated and she standing. Her minuscule height barely made her taller than he. The air between them was charged and different, self-awareness and anger were colliding in the confusion.

“Be mad at me, hate me,” he said, pulling her closer, and looking into her eyes, “but know one thing, at least I’d never hurt you.”

She
swallowed, and her throat gently vibrated as her eyes stayed glued to his. Her face was battered, bruised, not much better. He ran his hand over the side of her face that was the least hurt. Tenderness filled his hand, like how he touched his newborn nieces. Joelle seemed that fragile to him, and that lacking in love, acceptance, and help.

Finally, she answered him, her lips parting in a near whisper, “It’s about the only thing I’m sure of right now.”

She leaned closer, a slow, almost minuscule movement. They were nearly touching, and their eyes locked. His hands came to her waist; and her ribs were under his thumbs, while her lower back was at his fingertips. She was so small, tiny, and defenseless, with dozens of bruises still covering her. He never really touched her before, nor realized how small she was, or how big the average person appeared standing next to her. He brought her closer, leaned in and finally, his lips met hers. Soft, so soft they were hardly touching, their lips whispered against each other, nearly dry and very tenderly. Almost like how a brother might kiss his sister.

Except there wasn’t one thing brotherly about how this felt to Joelle. Chaste, but deep, sexual, and intense. His lips moved along her mouth, her jaw, and her cheek. He couldn’t exactly kiss her the way the moment called for, as the deep scab on
her lips prevented that. She was a mess still, and she still hurt. There was no forgetting that.

Finally, his lips
faded off to her temple, and into her hair, as he leaned his forehead against her. She smelled of his shampoo. How could he get a hard-on for a girl as vulnerable as Joelle was, while also feeling a tenderness for her that swept through him, nearly taking his breath away?

His hands stayed firmly on her waist, doing nothing. Just holding her. She stood there, unmoving, her head bent into his. Their combined confusion filled the air as they both wondered, what exactly was happening? And why? Why now?

The moment was hot, deep and intense as nothing he’d ever experienced. He could feel her breathing hard, with nerves, excitement, albeit confusion. She was that complicated, perplexed, and naive. Suddenly, he heard the door. Joelle stiffened, and stepped back before running down the hall as Nick stood up to go after her. She was gone. He turned towards Erica as she came through the front door, calling out, “Hi. I brought home take-out.”

Joelle’s heart was hammering as she leaned against the door she just slammed shut
. How could she and Nick do that? After all this time, with both of them involved in other relationships, everything already messy and complicated, how could they just kiss and make things even worse? Especially since to date, they’d done so well maintaining the invisible line between them. The physical line they couldn’t cross that involved things like sex and intimacy, things they weren’t allowed to feel or share with each other. Why now? Why when she was more confused, and emotional than ever before, did they cross the line?

And now she’d hurt Erica. Erica who was turning out to be the one person getting her through this mess. Erica who was uncomplicated, kind, wonderful, caring and nice to
her. There were no undercurrents, no messiness, and no judgments in her demeanor. But now, of course, there would be; she had betrayed Erica. She slumped her shoulders dejectedly. Was there any relationship in her life she wasn’t destined to betray? Or destroy? Or just mess up?

And why was Nick’s kiss so soft  and intense, so perfect as no one ever kissed her? She was scared, fragile, and hurt. And he knew that, he didn’t maul her, tongue her, or kiss her as if he was about to throw her down to have sex. No
, Nick was tender and gentle, as if easing her into her own feelings, and into intimacy. It was like nothing Joelle had ever experienced.

She was honest with Nick on a level she never dared to be with Rob. She could get as angry, as upset, as defensive and as rude as she felt like being, and Nick let her. He argued back. He let her have her say, but voiced his opinions as well. He didn’t coddle her.
And there was no pretending with them. There was no ego boosting, or lying as she always did with Rob.

Nick’s hands on her legs stirred up far more then she could let on. It left shivers running through her, twinges in her stomach,
and a sense of tugging even lower. It set off sexual longing in her, anticipation, something she hadn’t felt in a long, long time. And now she didn’t know what to do with it, or about it.

There was
a soft tapping on her door. “Joelle? Open the door, it’s Erica.”

Sh
it. Did Nick already tell her? She took a deep breath and opened the door.

“There’s someone at the door for you.”

“For me?”

“Yes. It’s him; your husband. Nick answered it and asked me to get you. I think you should let Nick send him away.”

Not now.
Joelle turned and leaned against the bedpost, feeling the gravity of unsaid things, and unsaid decisions that now weighed her down. She wasn’t ready. There was so much confusion, guilt, and hurt. And on top of all that, now there was Nick.

“How did Rob find me?”

“I don’t know. You don’t have to see him. You’re under no obligation. Let Nick handle it. Please.”

As Nick handled everything for her
.
No. At some point, she had to start handling things herself. Doing what was best for her. Figuring out what she wanted and how to get it.

“I’ll be out,” she said finally, her back still to Erica. Erica came forward and touched a
hand to her shoulder.

“We’ll be right there with you. Y
ou’re not alone this time. You don’t have to go back to him. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Do you understand me?”

“
Yes. Thank you,” Joelle said, her voice full of emotion. Erica squeezed her shoulder as she left.

Joelle glanced
in the mirror over the dresser, and saw a small, pathetic girl. There was nothing to her, nothing special or particularly pretty. There was nothing to warrant Rob’s needy love, or to justify allowing Nick Lassiter, one of the most successful people she knew, to kiss her or worry about her. But he did. And she did. And now Rob was here. Why? How could she face her own husband?

She wasn’t alone this time.
Erica’s words drifted through her self-doubts.
She wasn’t alone.
Erica and Nick were the two most decent people she’d ever met, or been around, and they both saw something salvageable in her. Something they both advocated for and encouraged her to see in herself.
They saw something that mattered in her.
Maybe she mattered, enough at least to them, to deserve rescuing and a better life than what Rob could offer her.

Joelle opened the door, and came down the hallway towards the large living room. There, looking oddly wrong in that
pristine, clean space, were Rob and Spike. They looked so stupid in Nick’s beautiful, classy, grown-up penthouse, it almost made Joelle laugh out loud.

As Rob and Spike stood awkwardly in the entryway, with Nick beside them, obviously just having let them in, and still holding the door, Joelle could only stare at their blatant disparity.  Nick
was wearing his immaculate tie and button-down shirt, with short, curly hair next to the harshness of Rob and Spike. The men were such a study of contrasts, so oddly paired standing there before her that Joelle was almost embarrassed. Embarrassed for Nick to see them, and embarrassed for them to see Nick.

She was also confused about where she fit in, or whom she belonged with.

Nick passed by them, without saying a word, and his jerky movements were evidence of his anger, and festering, deep-seated hatred for Rob. Erica looked as if she’d just run into a brick wall. She had no idea what Joelle’s husband was like. What she saw clearly wasn’t what she imagined. She kept eyeing Spike as if she thought he might pull a knife on her.

Then they all turned towards her, and Joelle felt like the entire room was focused on her, demanding answers, reasons, and actions. The tension grew so thick between the five of them, it almost made Joelle dizzy from the pressure she felt.
Her gaze finally lifted and met Rob’s. She licked her lips and asked simply, “How did you find me?”

“I followed him here.”

Nick stiffened and Rob flicked his hand in Nick’s general direction.

“What were you doing? Stalking him?”

“I didn’t know how else to find you.”

“Well
, now you found me.”

Rob stepped closer
, coming more into the light. Joelle’s eyes widened when she caught a glimpse of Rob’s throat. There was a nasty ring around his neck of dark, ugly bruises.

Joelle
’s eyes rounded in horror. “Oh my God, what happened to you? Who did that?”

“He did,” Rob said, stopping and glancing over at Nick.

Nick was leaning back against the couch, his stance rather stiff, and his arms across his chest. His eyes flickered at her. Her mouth came open as she met his blank, almost passive stare. Nick acted as if choking Rob was nothing. There was hardly even a hint of acknowledgment.

“You didn’t tell me that part.”

“No. I didn’t,” Nick said, staring at her, his expression flat. She dropped her head, and pressed a hand to her temples, suddenly dizzy from the magnitude of Nick’s admission. She swung her gaze back to Rob. Why did Nick do this to Rob and not tell her? What exactly happened between them? She didn’t know what to do, or say. Finally, she looked at Spike, who gave her a small, sympathetic smile.

Rob broke through her escalating anxiety.
“Can we go somewhere to talk? You owe me that much.”

Nick stiffen
ed and pushed away from the couch. “She doesn’t owe you shit.”

Joelle
watched Nick before glancing at Erica, who was nervously folding her hands back and forth. Rob was staring at Joelle, waiting expectantly for her to leave with him. The pressure in her temples was blinding, they all wanted so much from her. But then… what did
she
want?

“Here. You can talk to me here.”

Rob glanced in Nick’s direction. “Here? In his house?”

She nodded.
“Yes, in his house,” she said, ignoring all the eyes staring at her and walking around the couch to sit down.

Erica turned to Nick. “Let
’s leave them alone. You too, Spike? Wasn’t it? We’ll be in the dining room if you need us, Joelle.”

Nick stood there
with his legs planted wide and his arms crossed over his chest, unmoving. Joelle finally caught his eye. How could the last thing they shared be that kiss, and now this? Her husband, right in the middle of everything, there at Nick’s house.

“Nick?”

“You don’t have to talk to him.”

“Yes
, I do. And I want to talk to him here. But if you won’t let me, then I’ll leave with him and talk to him outside. You decide. ”

Nick stiffened. He didn’t like her ultimatum, and his jaw muscles were working furiously.

Rob’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows shot up.
Was it the tone of her voice?
Probably, for she had never raised her voice like that to Rob. She had also never voiced an ultimatum to Rob. She never trusted Rob enough to do either.

Rob’s
shoulders were tense as he prepared to say something to Nick. Something nasty. But he held his tongue. His eyes were red-rimmed and his face was covered in days of stubble.

Nick’s jaw looked ready to break with the continuous clenching. He glared first at Rob, and then Joelle, before finally turning to leave.

Rob watched Nick retreat, and his sneer was fierce. “What does he think? He owns you?”

“We’re not talking about Nick.”

“We need to talk about Nick.”

“
No,”
she said, her tone final. “I will not discuss him with you. I will discuss us. If you can’t accept that, then leave.”

Rob looked at
her, hard, long, and searching. His eyebrows lowered, and he had a perplexed expression. Another first: she had never set down the rules of what they were or were not allowed to discuss. She sat up straighter when she realized she
could
. She finally had some power. She could say and do whatever she chose. And if Rob didn’t like that, he could just as well leave. She no longer had to fear his response, because, well, Nick was a mere twenty feet away.

Rob
asked gently, “Are you coming home?”

“No,” Joelle said, with more self-assurance than Rob ever saw in her before. “I can promise you one thing; I’m never living in that house again.”

Rob let out a long breath. “Are you sleeping with him?”

“No. I’m not sleeping with Nick.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? Didn’t you wonder that night I ran from the house, where I’d gone? Did you even bother to care I had no money, not even a coat? I came here because I had nowhere else to go. But I knew I could come to Nick, and he’d help me, no matter what.”

Rob jerked back, stunned.

“Why are you here?”
she asked feeling already tired from the conversation.

“You’re my wife. I love you. I want you back.”

“Back? Back to what? Do you realize what happened to me? Are you even sorry?”

“I was messed up that night.”

“You’re messed up every night.”

“I was out of my mind. I’m sorry. I mean it this time, I’m going to stop.”

“It doesn’t even faze you, does it? My face. You’ve seen it before. A woman beaten up. Sure. You’re sorry, but not that shocked by it, or that upset, are you? All week long, every time Nick or Erica looked at me, they flinched, they worried, they were so uncomfortable with how my face looked, they could hardly stand it. They are also so shocked by my condition, they can hardly see straight. And yet, you didn’t even flinch.”

“
Nick and Erica,
” Rob sneered. “What do they know about this shit? You’re right, I’m not shocked. I’ve seen it. Hell, I was nearly weaned on it. My mother, me, Spike. So I come home, and there you were, looking like my mother, cowering from my old man, and I was so jacked up, I thought for a crazy second,
Joelle’s afraid of me. She’s cowering from me.
I got angry. It wasn’t right, but that’s where it came from.”

Joelle looked away
and swallowed the lump in her throat. He was doing it. Rob was breaking down her defenses. He came up with an explanation that justified his action, and made her heart tug for him again. Both his parents were alcoholics, and regularly beat the shit out of him. More than once, his father nearly killed his mother right in front of him. Of course, none of what happened to Joelle was new for him. Of course, her injuries weren’t that shocking. Rob had suffered far worse as a child. Finally, after a long, drawn-out moment, with Rob sitting there, his head hanging, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands dangling with defeated, Joelle found the words that she dreaded saying the most. “Doesn’t it ever scare you? We both came from shit, and now we’re becoming it.”

He raised his head to
her and his eyes looked tired, depressed, and achingly sad. “Yes. It scares me. It scares me what I did to you that night. It scares me who I am. It scares me I’m exactly like
them
.”