Zombie Mage (22 page)

"My, my, It's quite a beauty. Most unusual how it
still manages to work independently to the physical body."

Renfer returned the eye to Olligh where he stuck it
into Marvin's empty socket.

"That's better," Marvin said.
"Hopefully it won't fall out again."

"Good," Renfer continued. "Now, if you
would like to stand in the centre of the circle please."

Olligh sighed and strolled over to the centre,
wondering how long this was going to take.  Much to his surprise, freezing cold
water came splashing down from a pipe attached to one of the trees.  Gull and
Olligh were soaked.  They shrieked and shivered.

"You could've warned us!" Olligh said,
shaking the water from his head.

"Yeah," Gull uttered. "What you playing
at?"

Marvin chuckled.  "Actually, I quite enjoyed it.
My skull was overdue a good clean."

"I apologise for putting you through this,"
Renfer said. "It's blessed water, free from contaminants and rather cold,
but it's a necessary requirement for you to become a fully fledged citizen in
our society."

"We don't wish to become citizens in any
society," Olligh replied.

"Ah, they all say that to begin with but I have
some important news for you and it may come as a shock.”

Olligh shivered with the cold.  “Very well, get on
with it then.”

“Now, I daresay there may be a moment of denial but do
you realise that you're all actually dead?"

Olligh blinked and Gull burped loudly.

"Is this guy real?" Marvin asked.

"Well?" Renfer asked, his eyes fixed on
Olligh.

"Well, if you consider my terrible skin
condition, Gull's recent amputation and Marvin's skull-like appearance, the
chances are that we've already suspected something isn't quite right."

"My, my," Renfer continued. "No
apparent denial and a little sarcasm to boot.  This is most interesting. 
Please, do step off from the stone circle and follow me.  I must introduce you
to Lady Craggy, our humble leader."

Gull nudged Olligh and whispered, "He's not all
there.  Also, have you seen what they're wearing?  Very strange."

Olligh shrugged and stepped off the stone circle onto
the red glowing path.  Meanwhile, Renfer faced his colleagues and motioned to
the circle. "You all stay here and ensure that no stragglers come
through."

"Yes, Master," replied one of them, bowing
slightly.

Olligh accompanied Renfer as he walked along the
trail.  He hoped that Lady Craggy would provide more useful information about
this unusual land and help them to find the fourth walker.  Although this world
appeared dark, mysterious and sinister he was at least grateful that nobody had
attacked him yet.  It made a refreshing change.

It wasn't long before they reached the end of the red trail and arrived
at a cave entrance leading into the side of a hill.  Inside, more of the
strange glowing canes were fixed to brackets at various intervals along the
cave walls.  It was much brighter inside and Olligh managed to sneak a better
look at Renfer.  Beneath the pale facial powder, his skin was lumpy with boils
and dark veins.  More noticeable was the crude stitching around his neck which
did little to improve his appearance.

"I hope you don't mind me asking," Olligh
said, "but are you dead as well?"

"Talk about straight to the point," Marvin
uttered. "You don't have to answer that."

Renfer continued walking, preferring not to meet
Olligh's intrusive stare.  "Yes, I once lived and died.  Everyone here has
experienced death at some point.  You could perhaps call this place the land of
the dead."

"Good." Olligh smiled. "That explains a
few things.  It's nice to know we aren't alone."

"I wish I knew about this place earlier,"
Marvin said. "I had no chance of getting a date in the last world."

As they walked, Olligh noticed two doors blocking the
way ahead.  One door was blue and the other red.

"Not far to go now.  Lady Craggy will be pleased
to see you.  We don't have many men in the red sector."

"Red sector?" enquired Olligh.

"Yes, see the two doors ahead? Don't ever venture
beyond the blue door.  That's the way to the blue sector where the mindless
ones live."

Marvin cackled. "Hey, Gull, sounds like a place
where you could happily belong."

Gull sighed. "There you go again.  You're the one
who's mindless.  At least I have a working brain."

"So do I,” Marvin replied. "I’m just not one
hundred percent certain where it is right now."

“I doubt that very much,” Gull said.

"Unfortunately, he does," Olligh said.
"It's pickled and probably still in the bottom of his cage at the
circus."

"That's a good point," Marvin continued.
"I wonder if I'd still be alive if the hag decided to eat it?"

Renfer peered curiously at them and nodded his head
enthusiastically. "It’s a most intriguing conversation you’re all having. 
Lady Craggy will certainly be interested in you all, even if your discussions
are verging on the borders of insanity."

They reached the red door and Renfer pushed it open.  Inside,
the cave opened up to a huge cavern.  It was basically a shanty town with
wooden shacks and makeshift roads filled with the hustle and bustle of people
strolling around doing their own thing and minding their own business.  At the
very top of the cavern, fixed to a central point, a huge red crystal was embedded;
this provided light to the whole of the cavern.  Olligh followed Renfer down a
long ramp through the many twisting streets into an alleyway.  At the end, he
opened a door which led into a long, well-lit chamber.  The first thing he
noticed were tapestries hung to the walls depicting what he thought might be ancient
gods in battle with demons.   In the far corner stood a shrine of bronze and kneeling
next to it was a large woman wearing a frumpy red robe; her long limp hair
almost reached the ground behind her.

"Lady Craggy!" Renfer said. "I do
apologise for disturbing your meditations but I bring the latest arrivals to
you for possible citizenship."

Lady Craggy quickly stood and turned to greet her
visitors.  Like Renfer, her face was powdered excessively however, unlike him,
it was also horribly bloated.  Olligh thought it resembled a giant boil ready
to burst and suddenly felt a little bit better about his own skin condition.

"Ooh! A joyful day indeed," she said,
smiling widely.

Olligh returned the smile, trying not to appear too
shocked by her appearance.

"A fine specimen," she continued, gazing at
Olligh. "Pray tell your name?"

"Does he have to pray first?" Gull asked.

Lady Craggy squealed with laughter.  "Oh, you're
a funny one.  You could entertain everyone at our monthly ball and your friend
here could certainly help out cleaning the streets."

Olligh almost choked. "Excuse me? Cleaning the
streets?  I'll have no part in that at all. I'm a respectable mage, not a
street cleaner."

Gull nodded. "Aye, and I don't fancy
entertaining.  I get enough people poking fun out of me as it is."

"You love it," Marvin said. "It keeps
you sane."

Lady Craggy's eyes widened with surprise.  "A
talking skull? How absolutely delightful."

"Wrong! You lose," Marvin mocked. "I’m
not delightful.  I'm actually very similar to you although, obviously, with a
less puffed up exterior, no disgusting makeup and no fleshy bits on show."

Renfer scowled and folded his arms. "How dare you
refer to Lady Craggy as puffed up!  I ought to place you in the blue sector
immediately."

"No, no," Lady Craggy said. "It's quite
alright, Renfer.  I'm sure he was just teasing."

"I'm sure he wasn't," Gull mumbled.

"Lady Craggy," Olligh announced. "My
name is Olligh Selthnik.  I'm a mage from another world.  Here on my back is
Gull, and this skull on my neck is Marvo the Magnificent."

"A pleasure, I do declare.  I've also been
blessed with magic running through my veins, although mine is more passive in
that I craft and apply the energies to physical objects."

"Oh," Olligh continued. "That's most
interesting.  I presume you mean talismans and such-like?  I've already noticed
the canes you all carry and I find them most fascinating. We should definitely
discuss this further sometime."

"Then you have a date, Olligh Selthnik, although
it would probably be wise to leave Gull behind on that occasion otherwise we
may bore him.  Might I enquire as to why you carry him on your back?  Is he
your familiar?"

"Doh!" Marvin said.

Gull sighed. "Perhaps you haven't noticed my lack
of two fine legs, Lady Craggy, or are legs not a necessity in the cave kingdom?
Do you perhaps float everywhere?"

Lady Craggy leaned forward and peered behind Olligh. 
Noticing Gull's decapitation, she covered her mouth in shock. "Oh, I'm terribly
sorry.  I didn't notice."

Gull grinned. "Ah, don't worry about it.  I
don't.  Thankfully, I'm quite bony so Olligh doesn't need to break a sweat
carrying me everywhere."

"Indeed," Olligh said. "Anyway, Lady
Craggy, we aren't here to become citizens in your society.  We're here to
simply collect and return another, like us, to our world."

"Everyone here is from a different world,"
Renfer said. "The difference is, we can't return to our worlds on a whim. 
You're insane if you believe otherwise."

Lady Craggy tapped her lips with a long bony finger.
"Indeed, my dear Renfer has a valid point.  Are you suggesting that you
can leave heaven or hell and return to your previous life?"

Olligh gazed at Lady Craggy, a puzzled expression on
his face. "Heaven or hell?"

"Yes," Lady Craggy continued. "This
land consists of heaven and hell.  Those who are deserving individuals join us
here, in heaven, otherwise known as the red sector.  Meanwhile, those who have
lived a life of sin ultimately lose their minds and are destined to join the
blue sector in hell."

Marvin sniggered. "I definitely shouldn't be here
then with the amount of sins I've committed throughout the years.  I used to
rob my customers blind in my sweet shop."

Lady Craggy smiled softly. "The gods have obviously
deemed it prudent to forgive you.  You've arrived here with a working mind so,
perhaps you've also done some good in your life."

"Let me get this straight," Olligh asked.
"You believe that everyone who dies comes here and that they are whisked
to either heaven or hell, depending on if their mind is functioning or
not?"

"It's not a belief," Renfer snapped.
"It's a fact.  Upon death this place is all that remains to look forward
to.  We try to make the transition as smooth and hospitable as possible for everyone
who is fortunate enough to come our way."

Olligh frowned. "That's ridiculous! Think about how
many worlds and people there are out there?  This cavern isn't big enough to
accommodate everyone who dies."

"Quite right," Lady Craggy agreed, "but
we believe that very few actually make it this far.  Most are left in limbo to
roam in spirit form indefinitely but the important thing is you're here now. 
You're one of us!"

"She's batty!" Marvin uttered.

Gull chortled. "For once I'm in complete
agreement with you."

"I don't mean to be disrespectful," Olligh
said, "but I've studied the cosmos for most of my life and I know this
isn't the only place people travel to upon death."

Lady Craggy looked genuinely shocked.
"Really?"

"What this place is, I've no idea," he
continued. "It may be a stop gap or an unusual anomaly but I can't deny it
exists and I'm glad you're making the most of it."

"An anomaly?" Renfer asked.  "What do
you mean by that?"

"I don't know.  Look, we won't be staying here
for long.  We just need to know who else has arrived here recently and once
we've discovered who we're looking for, we'll take the person and go.”

"Very well," Lady Craggy agreed. "We'll
play along with your game for now. Hopefully you'll come to realise that you're
actually suffering from a simple delusion and eventually you'll see the true
light."

Olligh smiled. "Thank you."

Lady Craggy turned to face her colleague, a stern look
on her bulbous face. "Renfer, when did you last receive a visitor
alert?"

"Hmm... It was quite a while ago.  Didn't the
rock change colour a month or two ago, just after your birthday?"

"That sounds familiar."

"Ah, wait, I remember.  Wasn't it the woman who
could hardly speak?"

"Yes," Lady Craggy replied. "I remember
now.  She was afflicted.  Such a shame, she was rather attractive for a dead
person.  She had wonderful long, strong legs too.”

“Oh yes, I remember those legs.”