Zombies Eat Lawyers (3 page)

Which left Senator Jones and his call girl craving libido. But in the direst of times, the Senate's biggest proponent of family values finally found his way back home. Never mind his six figure hooker bill or yen for inflatable boobs; in his dying moments, all the Senator thought about was his wife and baseball-loving tyke. And like that, the man who sold his soul to the gun lobby years before fired his parting shot. But as much as Jones suddenly wanted the Lord to save him, the only miracle was that the Senator blacked out just before the zombies tore out his entrails.

As Vanessa reached the entrance to the Senate's Chambers, no help was coming. It was every man, woman, and Libertarian for themselves. The lobby was a hodgepodge of horrors. The tour group that picked the wrong time to tour the Nation's Capitol, the Congressional page's left for road kill, the undead cafeteria workers stuck in hairnets for eternity.

With the zombie mob catching wind of Vanessa's fresh meat, she realized it was time for a hasty retreat. But she had nowhere to turn. The zombie janitor had tailed her down the hallway and recruited a trio of rotting friends, the Senate floor was bloodier than a vampire ball, the cafeteria was a feast of flesh, and the main entrance was an invitation to have your arm gnawed off. Then, the answer came to Vanessa out the corner of her eye--the gift shop.

Vanessa dashed over to the merchandising Mecca at full tilt, narrowly dodging the chomp-happy hordes. But getting to the gift shop was only half the battle. Having spent so many nights late nights aiding the Senator, Vanessa knew they gated up the joint after hours. It was time to close up shop.

But the zombies were onto Vanessa. They started stammering her way, all eager to make a quick snack of her. Vanessa looked up in the entryway and saw a pull down gate. She grabbed it and started to slide it down as the zombies got too close for comfort. Halfway down, the gate got stuck. Vanessa panicked, a bead of sweat dripping down her face. She got transfixed by the horde closing in, then came to her senses just in time.

Vanessa used all her energy to unjam the gate. She then pulled it down just as the zombies reached out to tear her apart. But having a gate between her and the undead wasn't enough to stop them from trying. The zombies reached their grubby paws through the gate, looking to clutch her blouse, and pull her close enough in to have a nibble of her.

Vanessa back stepped in a hurry, foisting herself as far away from the zombies as possible. That was, until she slammed into a fleshy roadblock. Feeling a presence behind her, Vanessa turned around to have her worst fears confirmed. She'd managed to lock herself into the gift shop with one of the brain eaters. The smock-wearing, pock-marked clerk lunged at Vanessa. She moved out of the way just in time, leaving the Smocked Zombie to topple a rack of "I Heart Congress" t-shirts.

Vanessa moved to the other side of the gift shop, desperately scrambling to find a weapon to bring down the monster. As the Smocked Zombie stammered towards her for a second go around, Vanessa found salvation in the form of a fire extinguisher. Vanessa ripped the extinguisher from the wall, then reamed the zombie in the face with it. The zombie dropped like a stone. Not content to rest on her laurels, Vanessa grabbed the computer monitor from on top of the cash register and broke it in half over the zombie's skull. The zombie laid lifeless on the ground while the computer monitor crackled and sparked.

Finally Vanessa was safe. But she was also trapped. With a protective gate between her and danger though, Vanessa was finally able to pick up her phone.

*********

"Baby," Vanessa said over the line, trembling like a leaf in a hurricane.

"Vanessa. Oh thank God you're alive," Steve said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"I just want you to know how much I love you. That I don't want to live without you--"

"Why are you talking like you're never going to see me again? You're not bit, are you?"

"I just want you to know you're the best thing that ever happened to me--"

"Vanessa. Stop talking like this is the end."

"Steve, I don't know how long this gate will hold those monsters off," Vanessa replied, seeing the zombie ranks swell on the other side of the gate.

"Where are you?" Steve asked, panicking.

"I'm at the Congressional gift shop. I got the security gate down, but there's a lot of zombies out there."

"Just stay there. I'm coming to get you."

"But...but Steve, that's like a death march," Vanessa said, as shocked as the Paralegals back in the break room.

"Vanessa. You're the best thing that ever happened to me too. And I'd give everything I have for one more second with you."

And like that, Steve's fate was sealed, for better or worse.

*********

All it took was a trip to the parking lot for Steve to realize saving Vanessa was much easier said than done. First, Steve needed better wheels. His jalopy was unreliable at best during his morning commute. A getaway vehicle to leave the apocalypse in his rearview, it was not. But soon the point was moot as Freedom Blvd had turned into a tin junkyard. Sport coupes, sedans, mini vans, new, old--it didn't matter. The street was slammed with cars like a traffic jam from hell. Unless Steve had a monster truck lying around, it was going to be a rescue on foot.

Then, shiny relief came to Steve in the strangest of packages. He caught sight of a motor scooter out the corner of his eye. Leave it to a bunch of wuss ass lawyers not to have one biker among the group. But did the scooter really have to be pink? Steve hardly had time to quarrel with the color palette though. A scooter wasn't about to strike fear into any creatures heart, but it could navigate a minefield of abandoned cars clogging the streets at thirty-five miles an hour.

Steve took to the side streets, trying to cut as many corners as possible in the twenty blocks that laid between him and the convention center. But soon Steve realized zombies weren't all he had to worry about.

As he rounded the corner onto Liberty Way, it became hard picking out man from monster. Stores were looted, fires were set, crowds ran rampant. It was like the Skins had just won another championship.

But if the apocalypse did anything, it was to show a persons true colors. Unlikely hero's were born while villains had shoot out's in the parking lot of Ammo 'R Us over who could steal the most uzi's. In a world overrun by the undead, the most horrific crimes were committed by the living. And sometimes the most surreal. Amidst the common folk fleeing for their lives, a pair of brain dead hooligans decided the best use of their energy wasn't saving the innocent, but snatching a big screen tv from a storefront. Because you couldn't watch the end of the world on any old tv.

Steve got off Liberty Way in a hurry, as much to spare himself the view of humans behaving badly as to avoid becoming zombie munchies. It was amazing how the meaning of Steve's life became so clear just as human life was being annihilated. It wasn't about working overtime to make that extra buck at work or saving up for a new eco friendly washer dryer. It wasn't about fretting over how to the heating bill or getting psyched about the latest trendy Wine Bar opening down the block. It was about family, friends, and loved ones. Doing the right thing. Being the hero in the story of your life.

And no amount of zombies were going to derail Steve.

********

Vanessa meanwhile lapsed into delusion as the zombie hordes were narrowly kept at bay. They say your life flashed before your eyes just before you saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But instead Vanessa was faced with the life unlived. The heartfelt words left unspoken. The dreams deferred. The potential unreached. All the things she wished she'd done with her life, but was too busy eeking out a career to accomplish. It was bad enough she'd spent so many nights pounding down triple espresso's at the Capitol cafeteria. The worst part was that her dreams would never be fulfilled. There would be no fairy tale wedding. No honeymoon. And definitely no picket fenced house in the suburbs.

An Empire that took hundreds of years to build was toppled before lunch, and the rotten revolution was permanent. It made Vanessa realize how fragile life really was. How everything she knew about the world could be taken away in an instant. And how life would never be the same.

*********

While Vanessa's headspace took up residence in the ethereal, Steve stayed squarely focused on grim reality. He darted towards the Capitol district, weaving in and out of the grid locked cars, mostly left stranded. He watched helplessly as innocent bystanders were devoured by the undead. It took all he had not to pull over and throw up.

But the dystopia of DC was the least of Steve's worries. With the Capitol in sight, it became clear Steve couldn't just barge through the front doors like a knight in shining armor and make a rescue.

Dozens of undead lobbyists more soulless than ever lined the steps leading up to the Capitol, forcing Steve to come to terms with getting so close, but still far away from Vanessa. But Steve wasn't about to just give up. There had to be a way. It couldn't be the end of his road. Still, the zombie hordes were overwhelming. Then, like a beacon on a dark night, Steve saw a sign for the Capitol buildings service entrance.

He zoomed around the bend, looking to make a back door rescue. It was quiet, just a few stray zombie security guards. Steve held out the golf club and plowed full speed ahead on the scooter, lancing the undead stiffs like a jouster in medieval Europe. But the zombie security guards provided an added bonus. They were equipped with guns and tasers they had no use for.

Not to mention the service entrance had nifty handicapped access which allowed Steve to keep pursuing the rescue on scooter. Steve sped through the corridors of the Capitols basement and onto an elevator.

He caught his breath on the two floor ride up to the Senate floor, bracing himself for the worst. But as the elevator doors opened, Steve found the zombie traffic to be lighter than he expected. And looking out at the lobby, he realized why.

After all the struggle, the hard work, the pain in getting to the Capitol, he was finally a few feet away from Vanessa. He could see her curled into a ball behind the gift shop gate. She was praying, rocking back and forth, and trembling.

But close as Steve was, he might as well have been halfway across the country. Hordes of zombiefied Senators, Congressmen, and lunch ladies stood between him and a rescue. Steve wanted to just dash over to Vanessa, but the zombies would tear him limb from limb before he made it even halfway across the lobby.

Still, was it really going to end like that? Traveling so far, having risked his life for nothing. Watching helplessly as the hordes beat down the gate.

No. Steve wasn't about to go down without a fight. But he wanted to make sure the fight was fair. The zombies had strength in numbers, but Steve had what the undead wanted--brains.

Noticing how the zombies had migrated towards Vanessa's fresh meat, he realized the Senate floor was left empty. But it wouldn't stay that way for long.

Steve took a deep breath, then laid down the horn on the motor scooter, drawing attention away from Vanessa.

Rousted from her delirium, Vanessa saw her fiancé inviting danger. At first, she sprang to her feet with pure joy of seeing Steve alive again--until she saw the undead shuffling towards him for the kill. But it was all part of Steve's plan.

"That's right ugliest, come and get me," Steve yelled, baiting the zombies on. And the undead obliged, flocking at once like mindless sheep.

"Steve, what are you doing?" Vanessa exclaimed, panicked.

"Saving your life. Just be ready when I come back around," Steve insisted.

Vanessa furrowed her brow, confused.

Steve waited until the last moment possible, letting the zombies get uncomfortably close. He then put the pedal to the metal and made a bee line for the Senate floor. Like lemmings, the zombies mindlessly followed en masse, leaving Vanessa safe and alone.

Steve tore through the Senate floor on his scooter, then waited until the undead masses joined him before veering to the back exit. And like that, the first meeting of the new zombie congress was in session, but it would be in closed quarters.

The problem with zombies was how brain dead they were. Once the undead were all wrangled into the Senate's Chambers, Steve snuck out the back exit, closed the door, then whipped around to the front entrance and did the same. The zombies were trapped like sardines, left without an escape route.

Steve sped around to the gift shop, where he lifted the gate, and was reunited with his fiancé.

Vanessa looked on, mouth agape. "You did it. You really did it."

Vanessa threw her arms around Steve, holding him like she never wanted to let go.

"I always keep my promises," Steve insisted. "Besides, I'd die for you."

"I'm just so happy to see you alive," Vanessa remarked, nearly bursting into tears."

Steve pulled Vanessa in tight and made up for lost kissing. As the harried couple rekindled, the apocalypse around them faded away, at least for a moment.

All it took was a straggler zombie tour guide popping out of the shadows to remind them it was time to make a hasty retreat though. So Steve tased the little terror as Vanessa hopped on the back of the scooter, before Steve sped back to the elevator.