10 Weeks (16 page)

“Suit yourself.” Bill pops open a beer and flops into a chair at the table.

I’m stunned. Shocked.
Used
.

God. I’m such an idiot. It has nothing to do with me. Nothi
ng. Tears burn my eyes and mix
with the sweat
,
making my face a salty mess. Of course. Jeff didn’t want me. Not really. And
Liam
only wanted me because of her.

It’s as if a weight’s been strapped to my chest. It hangs on my back and my shoulders and makes me stumble down the stairs.

“Watch yourself.”
Liam
smirks as he grabs my arm to steady me.

Anger rips through me as I shove the humiliation away.

“Your sister?” I hold the picture between us.

“Fuck,” he whispers. “It was the truth I could give you then, Jo.”

“It wasn’t the truth at all!” I toss the picture, step around him and start up the road. My legs are too shaky to run.

“I know what you’re thinking.” He jogs to keep up.

“I’m a stupid ass for thinking you’d like me. I knew it from the beginning, and now I get it. I get why you took an interest in me. It had
nothing
to do with me!”

“Please let me give you a ride.” He reaches for my arm, but I jerk it away. “Let me explain.”

“No! You
don’t
want to talk to me right now,
Liam
.” I spin to face him, fury filling every
part of
my body
to replace the humiliation
washing through me. “Leave me the hell alone! I already had my heart broken once this summer. I really didn’t need for it to happen again!”

I start to run this time, jogging first and then faster.

“Jody!” He yells. “Jody
,
please!”

I don’t stop. Don’t slow. I’m not sure how far I’ll make it, but I have to get away.

Alex picks me up a few miles later. I’m incredibly lucky he was in town. We ride in silence. He glances at me a few times, but I don’t offer any information and he doesn’t say anything.

“Thanks for the ride,” I mumble as he pulls to a stop in the parking lot.

“No problem.” He pauses outside his car door, and opens his mouth like he’s going to say something else.

“Yes?” I ask.

“Will you be back next year?”

“I don’t know. I want to be, but I’ll be graduating if I decide to graduate, and then work and…” And all the things I’m not sure about.

“I’m asking because I won’t be here, and
Kay-Kay
might not either. I’d recommend you for my spot if you want it. They’ll take my rec. They already love you.”

“I really should be a teacher like you.” And I wonder what’s up with
Kay-Kay
?
  Better than thinking about my mess.

He grins. “You’d be fabulous, Jody. If it’s what you want to do.”

“It might be.” But I might need a little more time to figure it out. Or a lot.
I apparently can’t make it through a summer without turning my life into a disaster.

Chapter Twenty-five

I
hate that Liam’s all I can think about
. I hate that there’s no explanation he can give me that’ll make me feel okay with how he lied, and the
girlfriend
. What a ridiculous cliché thing for me to be a part of. Replacing the old girlfriend with someone who looks just like her.

I haven’t known him long enough for this to tear at me the way it is.
I wish
so hard
I didn’t look like her. I want him to want
me
.

I pick up my phone. “Mom.”  For once she’s not the last person I want to talk to.

“I haven’t heard from you, and I saw that you hadn’t registered for classes yet.”

“It’s because I’m thinking of taking a year off and changing my major.” Best to get it all out now. Might as well piss off the world. And it’s so like her to log in to my student account to check up on me.

“What?” she sputters. “This is the first I’ve heard of this.”

“Because you don’t listen when I talk to you, Mom.”

Silence.

“Was there a purpose for your call?” I ask.

“With only a few days left in your camp, we all though
t
that us and Jeff’s parents and you two should get together for something informal. Maybe test the water for you
both
.”

My hand shakes I’m squeezing my phone so hard. “Mom. He’s a man who dumped me at the beginning of the summer, knowing he was going to try to get me back at the end of the summer so he could sleep around. Is that who you want your daughter to marry?”

There’s a choking sound on her end of the line. I’m not sure if she’s angry or shocked or not believing me.

“Look, Mom. I’m not mad at you.” Mostly. “I’m just… I think I need to take some time for me. And I also think that I don’t know what I want to do and that seems like a kind of crucial thing to decide before I finish a degree.”

“Well.” She sighs. “Whatever you think is best.”

Only I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean it, but I’ll take it anyway. “Thanks, Mom.”

When I step outside there’s a cold Shirley temple on my small porch next to an envelope. I quickly scan the trees for any sign of
Liam
, but see nothing.

I pick up the drink and figure it’s as good a way as any to start my day
. I
drink it down as I stare at the letter.

The horn sounds as the sign to start one of the last days of camp. I stuff the envelope in my pocket to wait until I can actually concentrate.

We do canoe races and I join
Kay-Kay
in archery. She seems off again, which to me means that all’s not well with her and Alex. I hope she gets some sort of resolution there.

“What’s going on with you?”
Sam
nudges my hip with hers and I lean into her.

“A mess. A big freaking mess.”

“You too, huh?”

“You okay?” I ask suddenly worried.

“In some ways.” She nods a bit, cryptic as ever and wanders off toward the kitchen.

At this point I
want the summer to be over so I can be somewhere else. But if I’m not going to go back to school, I’ll end up at home. Maybe I
should
register for classes.

The
bell rings
for lunch and instead of picking up food, I walk to the end of the dock with
Liam
’s note clutched in my hand.

Jody –

I can’t know how you feel right now, but I know you hurt
,
and I know it’s because of me
, and that’s killing me
. My attraction to you as someone who looks like her ended as soon as you ordered that drink. Because in that one instant you became Jody instead of someone who looked like Jenny.

I would love to be able to tell you that you look nothing alike. Sometimes I wish you didn’t. But you do. It doesn’t matter. Not to me. You know how when you start to know someone. Really know them. They don’t look like the person you first laid eyes on. They’re not the stranger anymore. They become a soul, a personality, an entity outside of how they talk or what they look like because they’re familiar. They’ve become a part of you.

I know I should have told you the whole truth the other night, but you have to know how completely responsible I feel for her death. She should have never left the flat. I should have made sure.

I wanted you to know that part of me, but I wasn’t ready to reveal the whole thing. I should have told you all or told you nothing. Not lied. I’m so sorry.

I’m still trying to decide whether I want to stay here or to go home for a while. I have enough cash saved up for a bit of a backpacking trip around Europe, so I might try that, too. I know I’m about to sound…very un-tough, but I miss you like crazy. Already. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll join me for some of my adventure this year. My chest aches. This is my honesty
,
and what I need to tell you.

You are someone I could fall for. That I want to fall for. That I am falling for. I don’t want that to be over.

Liam

I love and hate that he knows everything I needed to hear. I’m terrified to forgive. What if I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t know his own heart? What if I end up in another Jeff situation where it appears one way, but is actually another?

I stand and walk under the large pavilion filled with teenage girls. They’re starting to realize that camp won’t last forever and that they’re headed home soon. They have so much ahead of them. So much to learn. And I could be a part of that.

But not now. Not yet. I don’t know myself well enough to think I could teach anyone else. But a year off is exactly what I need. I just need to figure out where to spend it. And if I have the strength to talk to
Liam
before I go.

Chapter Twenty-six

“So, it’s official, huh?”
Kay-Kay
asks. “You’ll be in Alex’s job next year?”

“Yep.” I nod. “And I’m taking the year off school. I think my mom is about to have an aneurism, but I’m okay with this.”

“And you very sadly were not deflowered by the Irish guy.”
Sam
sighs.

I close my eyes. “It’s such a mess.”

“Well, I’m in a mess, too.
”
Kay-Kay
grins. “But it’s a really good one to be in.”

“Yeah. Costa Rica with your man for a summer?”
Sam
shoves her. “Sounds pretty ideal to me.”

It should sound ideal to all of us.

I sigh. “I still keep seeing this other girl’s face, and I can’t get over it.”

“But it sounds like
he’s
over it.”
Kay-Kay
’s voice is soft.

“I just don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. If I can trust him.”

“Do you know how you’ll feel not talking to him again? Not knowing about him? Where he ends up… What you two could have had. That’s what pushed me forward,”
Kay-Kay
says.

My gut seizes up. “I don’t want to think about that. I really… I want him
. But I
want him without all the complication.”

Sam
laughs. Then laughs harder. “Everyone comes with a clusterfuck, Jo. Everyone. But not everyone comes in a package that gets you, and is fucking perfect in every way but the
one
thing he explained away perfectly. Am I right in this?”

My heart starts speeding. “Yes.”

“I think we need to get you an Irishman.”
Kay-Kay
stands up, grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet.

“I’m a mess.” I look down.

“He’s seen you worse.”
Sam
rolls her eyes. “What we need is the perfect T-shirt.”

“I’ve got it!”
Kay-Kay
grins as she tugs on my white tee. “We’ll make one. Where’s that sharpie?”

I’m an insane mix of happiness, excitement, anticipation and dread. What if he’s given up on me? What if he’s gone home?

What if… What if a
million
o
ther things that might go wrong?

But the worst what-if
would be
:
what if he and I could
have been something great and I let it slip away?
I stomp on the gas, wishing my car wasn’t a gutless, earth-friendly machine.

Liam
steps out of his cabin and freezes when he sees me. His eyes are wary and rimmed with dark circles.

“I…” I cough to find my voice, but I’m stronger than this. “I had to see you before I left.”

“Jody. I’ve missed you.”

I take a few steps toward him, putting us only a few
feet
apart. Close enough that I could reach out and touch him.

He glances down at my scribbled on T-shirt, and nerves start all over again. It suddenly feels juvenile and way too forward.

“I think you might be someone I could fall in love with, “ he reads.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” I try to smile to show I’m joking, but also that I’m not joking at all.

I step closer and rest my hands on his chest. His heart’s beating as hard as mine. He looks down, and instead of staring down or at his chest, I look in his eyes. “I’m taking the year off school. I want to figure out all the ways I’m strong, and…” I swallow twice before finding my voice again. “And I’d really like to do some of that with you.”