3 Breaths (8 page)

Drying off, I look over my face and the damage that was done. It’ll be bad for Mia’s wedding, but there really isn’t a thing that I can do about it now.

I get dressed in a pair of sweatpants and find Ivy lost in my kitchen as I head to the laundry room, looking for a t-shirt. “Where are the coffee filters?” she asks.

I pull open the drawer they are in. “Don’t ask me why I keep them in here, I just do.” She laughs as I hand her one and I notice her staring at my body. I smirk and kiss her on the forehead before continuing into the laundry room.

“Do you want me to make some eggs or something?” she asks.

“Fuck yeah, girl,” I reply and pull a thin white t-shirt over my head.

“Here, keep this on your face,” she tosses me an ice pack. “I think the hot water from your shower made the swelling worse.” I press the ice to the right side of my face, where most of the damage is and realize how much Ivy has sacrificed for me.

She’s always there, pulling my ass out of the fucked up rut that is my life, and then when I need her advice, she not only gives it to me, but she spends the day and night with me, getting me reconnected to friends, and going above and beyond to show she’s in my corner.

Watching her in the kitchen, I realize that when I’m around her, all the bad shit from the past sort of vanishes. All of my thoughts and pain are so much less, making my life somewhat tolerable. “Thank you for everything, especially for yesterday, it was nice to have you at the fight.”

“It was good to be there,” she tells me, pushing her hair behind her ear.

My phone rings, interrupting us. I find it charged on the counter behind me and I know Ivy plugged it in. My sister’s calling. “Good morning, Mia,” I answer.

“Whoa, you sound chipper today.”

“That’s nice of you to say, but really I’m just extremely happy you called,” I tease her.

“Spare me, Krane. I know you better than that.”

“Fine, you got me,” I say in a little more somber tone.

“There’s my baby brother.”

“What the fuck can you need this early in the morning?” I ask. She’s agitating me already.

“Well, you haven’t booked your room for the wedding this weekend and I was wondering where you were planning on staying?”

“I was gonna stay in yours, isn’t that cool with you?”

“Ha,” she laughs out loud. “The fuck you will. I’m going to book a room for you. It’ll be my present to you for being the best man. Although I’m still not sure why Wayne picked you since you haven’t done shit for him.”

“What was that?” I ask, now pissed off at her.

“Nothing, I’ll email you the details.”

“You do that, Mia.” I hang up annoyed by her comment and toss my phone aside.

“She piss you off?” Ivy asks me.

“Yup, her wedding is this weekend and she’s just calling to bust my balls, being stupid as always. Fucking women sometimes, you know?”

“Hey,” Ivy exclaims.

“Damn, I’m sorry.”

She glares at me opening the cabinet. “Plates?” she asks.

I open another drawer and hand her a few paper ones. “Why do you keep everything in drawers?”

“I don’t know, I just throw shit where it’ll fit.” She serves our eggs and I pour us each a cup of coffee. She adds sugar to hers and I drink mine black.

“Wanna eat outside?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

We take our food out to the patio and sit down looking at each other for a brief moment. Ivy has an uncertain look in her eye and then asks me, “What are we doing here, Krane?”

Taking a bite I respond, “Uhh, eating.”

“I know that! I mean with us?”

I look her in the eye, contemplating how to answer her.
Why is she doing this right now?
Cocking my head to the side as I speak, I do my best to stay calm. “Ivy, you mean a lot to me, probably more than you realize, but I don’t know how to answer your question. Most of the time I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. If what I’m giving you right now isn’t enough, I’m really sorry, but each breath is still a struggle for
me
.”

“And you think it’s not for me?”

“I know it is. I’m trying here, Ivy.”

“Are you?” she jibes back.

I glare at her, caught off guard by her sudden animosity. “Of course I am.”

“Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it anymore,” she says with tears in her eyes.

“Why would you say that? I think things have been great.” I hate to see her upset like this.

“I don’t know, lately things feel different. That’s why I wanted to know what we we’re doing.”

“I told you, eating.”

“This isn’t a fucking joke, Krane. You can’t even answer a simple question.”

“Ivy, you’re running with expectations for us, and I’m not sure why. I mean, I didn’t ask you to drive me to Logan’s party, or to my fight, or to stay the night with me last night. That was all you.”

She blinks a few times, obviously hurt by my words and sets her fork down.

Fuck!

“I’m sorry,” I say, trying to repair some of the damage.

She gets up from the table with tears in her eyes and says, “I gotta get going.” The thought of her leaving panics me and I grab her hand, trying to make this right. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I enjoy being around you, I really do. You keep my mind busy, but to have expectations on things right now, that’s just not something I can handle.”

“Clearly, we have different feelings on things.”

A stray tear rolls down her cheek and I watch it fall, speechless. I need to make this right, but something inside won’t let me. She’s more than likely better off without me, just like everyone else is. I mean, I can’t even be a good friend to her, or take things serious when I need to. I don’t make her a better person, I only bring her down and that’s because I’m fucking miserable. It’s the last thing that I want to do, especially to her.

She can pull out of this, I know she can and she will…but I can’t.

As I come back from my internal mindfuck, she’s gone. I run my hands through my hair, wondering where did it all go so wrong?

Sitting alone and sober for the first time in a week, I’m lost. I haven’t talked to Ivy. I know I hurt her, she won’t respond to my texts or calls, which I can’t blame her. However, with Mia’s wedding imminent, I wish now more than ever that I had Ivy to lean on.

The dryer buzzes and I grab the last few clothing items I need before I hit the road. Taking my phone and charger, I see a text from my sister.
Will you make sure that you clean yourself up before the wedding?

What the fuck does that mean? Placing my phone into my pocket, I walk to the bathroom and look at my worn-out reflection in the mirror. My hair is long and shaggy, way overdue for a haircut, which Zoë used to cut for me. And my face is still fucked up from the fight, all scabbed and bruised. If I show up to the wedding looking like this, my entire family will have a fucking fit. So I grab the clippers from under the sink and plug them in. They buzz and vibrate in my hand. As I look down at them, I can still picture Zoë holding them when she would meticulously cut my hair. Fuck, sometimes it hurts to do the simplest of things.

After I lost Zoë, my parents went to our apartment to get my clothes and some essentials, and these clippers were one of the things they brought me. I’m not sure why; I didn’t ask for them. But right now, I’m grateful. Placing the cold steel at the base of my head, I lift upward and continue forward, shaving off all of my hair. I’m not even sure what guard is on here or what the adjustment is set to, but if Mia wants me cleaned up, well, then here you fucking go.

I repeat the motions again and again and then run my hands over my cleanly shaven head. Staring back at myself a little disconcerted, I’m so confused with the man that I’ve become. I’ve slipped so far away from who I used to be.

Brushing off the extra hair with a towel, I need to hit the road – the faster I get there, the sooner I can drink. I grab my bag and get in my truck to head towards the Hamptons, a place I sure as hell won’t fit in.

After an hour and a half of driving, I’m starving and anxious. Pulling up to the lavish hotel that Mia booked, I look for somewhere to park. Not seeing one spot, I decide to valet, then head inside keeping my sunglasses on, knowing the more I can hide the marks on my face, the better.

Walking in, I spot the check-in counter, and hear my name from behind me before I make it there. “Krane,” my mom calls out again. Slowly, I turn to see her, my dad, Mia, Wayne, and Shannon, Mia’s friend and I think the maid of honor, all staring at me. As much as I don’t want to, I know I have to remove my sunglasses and their expressions say it all. Both my mother and Mia gasp.

“What in God’s name happened to you?” my dad asks.

“I had a rough fight.”

“Oh my God, Krane,” Mia whines, “Do you realize how many pictures you are going to be in?”

“And your hair,” my mom adds. “What did you do?”

“Mia asked me to clean up, so I did. You all know what I do for a living, so my face shouldn’t be a surprise.” Everyone seems to be horrified by my appearance, except for Shannon…she just looks like she wants to jump me. I’m not sure why some girls are turned on by guys who fight, but whatever.

Mia storms off, like the drama queen that she is. Wayne and Shannon follow her and my dad says, “I didn’t think you were back into fighting.”

“Well, I am. How do you think I’ve been paying my bills and for two apartments?”

My mom steps to me and cups my cheek, “You should see a doctor. This looks infected.” She looks intently at a cut under my eye and I brush her hand away.

“I’m fine, Mom, really I am.” She shakes her head at my response and looks around the lobby. I was a little loud in my reaction and clearly she’s not wanting to bring any more attention than the eyes that are already staring at us. “I’m gonna check in, I’ll see you later.”

“Here’s your key,” my dad says passing me a small card. “It’s room one ten.”

I take it from him and walk off, leaving him and my mom, because quite frankly I need to get away. Being here alone is already harder than I expected it to be. If I had Zoë or even Ivy right now, I’d be handling this all differently. But, since they are both gone, I’m fucking angry and lost.

Not having Ivy this week to depend on the way that I had been has been hard. She got me through so much these last six months and now all because I can’t open up to her and give her more, I’ve lost her. Opening the door to the ridiculously elegant room, I set my bag on the bed and laugh to myself. My sister is truly a piece of work, booking a room like this and not thinking twice about spending the money on it. As I take out the handle of tequila that I brought with me, I count on the next few drinks to ease the pain. Pouring myself a massive glass, I swallow a huge mouthful and lie back on the bed.

Thinking about how my parents and Mia reacted has me stressed to go through all of this shit. Pulling out my phone, I dial Ivy. I need to talk to her and hope she’ll answer. But my call goes straight to voicemail and I hang up, pissed off.

Then there is a knock on my door and I contemplate not answering it, but knowing my crazy ass family, there’s no other option. Getting up, I open the door to find Wayne staring at me. I step aside and gesture him in. He looks at the drink in my hand and I say, “If you came here to give me a fucking lecture, save it, man.”

He sits in one of the chairs in the corner of the room and shakes his head. “You know that’s not why I’m here. You have to understand your sister. She’s really happy that you’re here, she’s just stressed.”

“Aren’t we all?” I respond under my breath.

“She has this vision that the wedding needs to be perfect, man, and I keep telling her it’s not going to be, that nothing’s perfect, but you know how women are; cut her a little slack.”

I take in his words, not really buying the bullshit that he’s selling. Stressed or not, Mia needs to let the fuck up and lay off my balls. “Wanna drink?” I ask, refilling mine.

“Sure.” I hand him a glass and sit in the other chair waiting for what else he has to say. I know Wayne, he didn’t just come here to tell me that Mia is happy that I’m here and to give her a break.

“Krane, I lost a girlfriend in college.” He pauses staring at the carpet and as I watch him, I can see the pain contorting his face.

“You did?” I ask, shocked by his confession.

“Yeah, she was my first love,” he says, with a wide smile remembering her. “We had so many plans for the future and then one night she overdosed. We were partying and I found her in the bathroom. What I’m trying to say is I’ve been where you are, brother. I don’t even remember the year after she died, I was a fuckin’ zombie. So I get what you’re going through, and I know everything feels hopeless and not worth it, but it
will
get better, and one day you will move on. When I found your sister, it was when I least expected it, and she pulled me from the darkness that I lived in. I didn’t think I would ever love again and because of her, I do. I know she’s hard on you, but it’s because she loves you and wants what’s best for you. Family isn’t perfect, man, you know that, but give her and your parents a little slack sometimes.”