4 Waxing & Waning (13 page)

“Why are we having another party again?”

Kelsey and I were sitting on the couch waiting for Paris to return with the keg. It was the first Friday after the Christmas break, and I was still trying to wrap my mind around Tally’s party announcement.

Kelsey shrugged. “I actually prefer having the parties here. It’s too cold to walk somewhere else.”

She had a point. Still … . “What if I just wanted to go to bed early and study?”

“It’s a Friday night.”

“So?”

“You’re turning into an old woman.”

I frowned. Wasn’t that exactly what I accused Rafael of doing? “I am not.”

“You are, too,” Kelsey said. “You’ve been absolutely no fun this year.”

“Hey, I’m always fun.”

“I think you’re depressed,” Kelsey said.

“I’m not depressed.” Wait, was I? “Why do you think I’m depressed?”

“I think you miss Aric,” Kelsey said. “I also think you’re … kind of freaked out about the whole magic-hands thing.”

I pressed a finger to my lips. “We’re not talking about that. What if Kristy and Tally hear you?”

“The only thing Kristy and Tally hear is the echo in their own heads,” Kelsey said. “If I said you had magic hands in front of them, they would think you’re good at hand jobs or something.”

She had a point. “Let’s just keep the magic stuff quiet, shall we?”

Kelsey sighed. “Okay. Will you at least try to have some fun tonight?”

“Will it get you off my back?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll be the life of the party.”

The front door of the house opened and Paris stepped inside.

“Where’s the keg?” Kelsey asked.

“Seth has it.”

“Who is Seth?” I asked.

Paris rolled her eyes. “He’s my new boyfriend.”

“You have a new boyfriend?” How did I miss that?

“I don’t want to call you self-absorbed, but you’ve been totally self-absorbed over the past few months,” Paris said.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to forgive you because you’re dealing with a bunch of crap,” Paris said. “Pay some attention to me from time to time, though. It’s only fair.”

I rolled my eyes. “And where did you meet Seth?”

“He’s the bouncer at Pops downtown.”

“What’s Pops?”

“See, this goes back to that whole you-being-an-old-woman thing,” Kelsey said. “We’ve been going to Pops every Wednesday for two months.”

I frowned. I really was self-absorbed – and boring. How did this happen? “Well, I want to go next time you guys go.”

“No, you don’t,” Paris said. “It’s fine. You’re fixated on life-and-death stuff. We’re just teasing you.”

I had a feeling she was lying. “I’ll make it up to you guys.”

“She promised to be the life of the party tonight,” Kelsey said.

Paris patted my shoulder. “It’s a start.”

I heard steps on the front porch and glanced around Paris so I could get a glimpse of Seth. The Greek god standing in the doorway was pretty impressive. He was all hard muscles, angular facial planes, and thick dark hair. I liked Mark, but Seth was a definite step up. “Whoa.”

“I know,” Paris said.

“How is he in bed?”

Paris smirked. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“Oh,
that’s
why we’re having a party.”

“HEARTS.”

I think Kelsey’s idea of being the life of the party and my idea of being the life of the party were two vastly different things. I was trying to teach her how to play the game, and for a mathematical genius, she was shockingly bad.

“Why did you call hearts? You have the jack of diamonds. Shouldn’t you have called diamonds?”

I sighed. “Don’t tell everyone what cards I have.”

“Yeah, that’s frowned upon,” Scott said. He was sitting on the floor across from me, having a grand time watching as I got more and more frustrated with Kelsey’s lack of euchre acumen.

“You’re supposed to be teaching me,” Kelsey said, pouting.

“Have another beer.”

“Yes, Mom.”

The knock on the front door interrupted the snappy comeback on my lips. “Why don’t you get the door?”

“Fine,” Kelsey said. “Don’t play those two red jacks until I get back, though. I need to know why you keep playing them together.”

I scowled, glancing over at Scott. “She’s supposed to be smart.”

“Euchre is hard game.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Well … it could be.”

“You’re just making excuses for her.”

“I think she’s funny.”

“So does she.”

Kelsey was back – and a lot quicker than I expected. She must really have been excited to see me whip those jacks out. “I need you to not freak out.”

“Oh, great opening line,” I said. “What did you do?”

“We have new … guests.”

“I figured that was why they knocked on the door.”

Kelsey wrung her hands nervously. “You know them.”

I glanced over her shoulder, the air whooshing out of me when I caught sight of Aric and his red-devil girlfriend standing at the edge of the party. “Why are they here?”

“I have no idea,” Kelsey said. “Do you want me to kick them out?”

“Yes.”

Kelsey bit her lower lip. “Really? Because I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.”

“Then I’ll do it,” I said.

“Caitlyn, girl, I can’t believe you came.” Tally’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard. I watched as she scampered across the room and hugged Caitlyn.

“Well, I didn’t want to miss another one of your parties,” Caitlyn said, shooting me a dark look. “I’ve heard they’re tons of fun.”

“She’s friends with Tally?” I hissed.

“Apparently,” Kelsey said. “I had no idea.”

“This is just … .”

“Hey, that’s the girl from our women’s fiction class,” Scott said. “You hate her, don’t you?”

“Hate is a strong word,” Kelsey said.

“It’s the right one.”

Kelsey patted my shoulder awkwardly. “What should we do?”

“Well, you let them in,” I said. “So you’re going to go and get me a drink and I’m going to stay here and pretend I haven’t seen them.”

“Okay. Good idea.”

I grabbed the cup in front of me, which was mostly full, and slammed it. When I was done, I glanced over to find Aric staring at me as Caitlyn dragged him across the room.

“Look, it’s Zoe and Scott,” Caitlyn said, her voice bright. “We’re all in a class together. Did I tell you that, honey?”

“You mentioned it,” Aric said. “Like fifty times.” He didn’t look happy to be here.

Rafael chose this moment to make his appearance. He stilled beneath the kitchen archway when he saw Aric, their eyes meeting and some unspoken conversation bridging the gap between them. After a second, Rafael moved to the couch and settled behind me. “How long do I have to stay here?”

Aric’s face dipped into a scowl when he saw Rafael sitting so close to me.

“I didn’t even know you were coming,” I said. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“Who is this?” Scott asked.

“Is he another of the many men you have dangling on a string?” Caitlyn asked.

“Speaking of strings, isn’t there a tampon you should be gagging yourself with?” She was just begging for me to smack the crap out of her.

Aric’s shoulders shook with silent laughter.

“I’m bored,” Rafael said. “Let’s go for a walk or something.”

“I’m playing a game,” I said.

“Diamonds are turned up and you have three solid tricks,” he replied. “You’re obviously going to win.”

“Why don’t you go and find Kelsey,” I suggested. “The two of you should chat about the finer points of watching others play cards without ruining the game.”

“Seriously, who is this guy?” Scott asked.

“Who are you?” Rafael challenged.

“He’s the guy who announced to the entire class that he was going to ask Zoe out,” Caitlyn said. “He says he likes her ass.”

Aric’s shoulders squared. “What?”

Caitlyn shifted her eyes in his direction. “Why do you care?”

“Yeah, why do you care?” Rafael asked.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Scott asked.

I ignored the question. After a second, I realized everyone was staring at me and waiting for an answer. “What?”

“We want to hear how you’re going to answer,” Rafael said.

Crap. “I’m not going to answer.”

“I think she means you’re not her boyfriend,” Scott said.

“She didn’t say that,” Rafael said.

“She pretty much did,” Aric countered.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend of your own?” Rafael challenged.

Aric scrunched up his face. “No.”

“What?” Caitlyn slapped his arm. “That’s not funny.”

This whole thing wasn’t funny.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny,” Aric said.

“I think I’m missing something here,” Scott said.

“No, you’re not,” I said. “Let’s play.”

“Both of these guys are posturing like they’re your boyfriend,” Scott said. “Your roommate, Kelsey, said you were single.”

“Kelsey has a big mouth,” I said.

“I like her,” Aric said.

“I find her tedious,” Rafael said. “I find them all tedious. These college parties are just so … .”

“Tedious?” I finished for him.

“Yes.”

“Then go.”

“I can’t,” Rafael said. “I’m here to … spend time with you. Don’t you remember what happened when you insisted on going skiing alone?”

“What happened when you went skiing alone?” Aric asked.

“Well, you’re doing a great job of spending time with me,” I said. “I’m having a great time.”

“You don’t look like you’re having a great time,” Scott said.

“That was sarcasm.”

“I know.”

“Where is Kelsey with my beer?” I was going to need another ten of them before the night was out.

“How come you didn’t tell me you had two boyfriends when I said I was going to ask you out?” Scott asked.

“I don’t have two boyfriends.”

“Do you have one?”

I felt Rafael lean forward behind me. “Nope.”

Aric smirked as Rafael sighed.

“Yeah, I still think I’m missing something,” Scott said.

That did it. I threw the cards down in the middle of the floor and got to my feet. “You know, everyone keeps saying I’ve lost the fun in life. They think I’m depressed – and sad – and obsessed. You know what I am? I’m tired. I’m tired of all of this, and I’m tired of all of you.”

I stalked through the room, heading toward the back door. Kelsey met me at the refrigerator, a cup of beer in her hand. I took it from her. “Well, I’m the life of the party. I hope you’re happy.”

I stalked past her, pushing through the back door and slamming it shut as I escaped into the backyard.

Sometimes I really hate my life.

I paced the length of the yard behind the house for fifteen minutes, trying to pretend I wasn’t freezing the whole time. There was no snow on the ground, but the yard was frozen solid – and my tennis shoes made a hollow sound as I moved across it. The whole storming-out thing would have been so much cooler if I’d remembered to bring a jacket. Slinking back inside because I was cold was going to ratchet down my awesome factor.

I heard the door open behind me, but I refused to turn around and see who was joining my pity party. I had three options – and I wasn’t particularly thrilled about facing off with any of them.

I felt a coat slip over my shoulders, reflexively grabbing it and snuggling inside to ward off the cold.

“How long were you going to stay out here and freeze?” It was Aric.

“Isn’t your girlfriend waiting for you inside?”

“No.”

“Did she leave?”

“I’ve already told you, she’s not my girlfriend.”

“You spend an awful lot of time with her,” I said. “I have trouble believing you’re not getting sex in return.”

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s always complicated when it comes to us,” I said.

“It is.”

We were quiet for a few minutes, my hands traveling up to the chain around my neck as I zipped the charm on it back and forth. Aric watched my fingers, mesmerized. “You’re wearing the necklace I got you.”

I froze. “I found it in my jewelry box when I went home for Christmas. I still don’t know why I put it on.”

Aric reached over, running his thumb over the sterling silver moon. “I know why you put it on.”

“You do? Why don’t you explain it to me?”

“You wanted to feel close to me.”

I snorted. “That’s a sappy thing to say.”

“You put it on for the same reason I wear the leather cuff you got me last Christmas,” Aric said, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt so I could see the brown leather bracelet. “It’s all we have right now.”

“I seem to have plenty of things,” I said. “I have a petulant vampire that thinks I’m immature and bosses me around. I have the new guy trying to get to know me by joining a women’s fiction class. I have your obnoxious girlfriend marking her territory every chance she gets. I think I have more than I want.”

“It’s not the same,” Aric said.

“No, it’s not.”

“What happened when you went skiing?”

“What?”

“Rafael said something happened when you went skiing over the break,” Aric pressed. “What happened?”

“Some wolf jumped out of the woods and attacked me,” I said. “It wasn’t a big deal.”

“A wolf? Are you sure?”

“I know what a wolf looks like.”

“Did it … did it hurt you?”

“No. I threatened it with my magic fingers. Rafael jumped out of a tree. I told it to leave, and it left.”

“And you have no idea who it was?”

“Nope. I’m pretty sure it’s someone I know, though. There was a certain level of familiarity there.”

“I’ll make a call,” Aric said. “I’ll find out.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “That’s the least of my worries.”

Aric brushed a hand against my cheek, his fingers warming my face. “What’s got you worried?”

“What doesn’t have me worried? Haven’t you heard? I’m not fun anymore.”

“You’re fun,” Aric said. “Your plate is just full.”

“I wish I could believe that,” I said. “Kelsey thinks I’m depressed.”

“Do you think you’re depressed?”

“I think I’m … tired.”

“We’re all tired, babe,” Aric said. “I’m tired. You’re tired. Rafael is tired.”

“I know something is going on between the two of you,” I said. “Neither one of you will tell me. I’m not even going to bother asking. I just want you to know that I know.”

“Okay.”

“That’s your answer?”

“For now.”

“You’re always so cryptic,” I grumbled.

“You’re frustrated. I get it.”

“I’m beyond frustrated,” I muttered. “I’m … pissed off.”

“We’re all pissed off.”

“You’re pissing me off even more right now.”

“Well, at least I’m consistent,” Aric said. “Tell me about the Academy.”

“I haven’t been back since Christmas break,” I said. “I won’t return until next week.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What do you think will happen when you return?”

“Blake is going to put his new ‘seek-and-destroy plan’ into action,” I said. “He’s really excited about it, which naturally makes me suspicious.”

Aric stilled. “What is that?”

“He won’t tell me.”

“Because he doesn’t trust you?”

“He definitely doesn’t trust me,” I said.

“If he doesn’t trust you, why does he want you there?”

“He thinks me being a mage gives him a leg up,” I said. “He somehow thinks he’s going to be there when my powers finally manifest.”

“How do you know that? Did he tell you?”

“No,” I scoffed. “He doesn’t ever say anything like that. It’s just something I know.”

“He still doesn’t know about the sorority house and Laura?”

“Nope.”

“What about what happened with the vampires right before the break?” Aric asked, running a hand through his hair wearily.

“I don’t know,” I said. “He boasts about having moles within the police department. He might have heard the story. The cops thought the girl was just stoned. Blake might think something else of it.”

“I’m going to ask you to do something,” Aric said. “You’re not going to like it.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t ask it then.”

“I have to ask,” Aric said. “I’m worried.”

“Isn’t that your perpetual state?”

“Where you’re concerned? Yes.”

I blew out a sigh, finally focusing on him. His face was so handsome it hurt to look at him sometimes. My fingers itched to run through his hair, and my heart pinged when a breath caught in my throat due to his proximity. “What?”

“I want you to quit the Academy.”

I snorted. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“You know why,” I said. “I have to find out what they’re doing. If I leave, I’ll never know.”

“Would you have joined the Academy if we were still together?” Aric’s face was earnest.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s hard for me to imagine a world where everything didn’t fall apart. Things are what they are now. You betrayed me. You picked your pack over me.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did,” I said. “That’s what happened. I’m not making it up.”

Aric rubbed the heel of his hand against his forehead roughly. “I understand why you’re so upset about what happened,” he said. “I get it. I’m responsible. I just need you to know there’s more here than meets the eye.”

“And yet you can’t tell me what that is,” I said. “You want me to trust you, and yet you won’t give me a reason why I should.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t. Not yet.”

“Do you magically think everything is going to fix itself one day and we’ll be able to hold hands and skip through a field of flowers and all will be forgiven and forgotten?” I was far too cynical to ever believe anything of the sort.

“I don’t believe you’ll ever forget,” Aric said. “I have hope that one day … one day down the road … that you’ll be able to forgive.”

“How is that going to work? Don’t you think I’m going to move on eventually? I mean, I have a pouty vampire and a euchre card shark just begging for me to let them climb into my bed.”

Aric scowled. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t climb into bed with the vampire,” he said. “My head will implode if you do. I’m not really worried about the other guy. He’s just too … normal.”

“And I’d appreciate it you would keep your girlfriend away from me,” I said. “You don’t seem to be able to do that. Why should I do what you want?”

Aric grabbed my arm. “I’m only going to say this one more time,” he said. “She is not my girlfriend.”

“That’s not what she’s telling everyone on campus.”

“She has issues,” he said. “I am not with her. Not the way you think I am.”

I desperately wanted to believe him. I just couldn’t. “If you’re not with her, why do you spend so much time with her?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Of course.”

“Soon,” he said. “I promise.”

I bit my bottom lip. “It hurts to see you.”

“I know. It hurts me even more than it hurts you.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” I said. “You seem like you’ve got the world at your fingertips. You always seem like that. I’m the one struggling and clawing just so I won’t drown under the weight of … everything.”

“Life is never going to be easy for you,” Aric said. “It will get better. I know it. I won’t let you drown.”

“You’re one of the reasons I’m drowning,” I said, fighting the urge to cry. “You know that.”

“I’m one of the reasons you’re treading water without a life raft in sight,” Aric said. “You won’t drown. You’re too strong.”

“I don’t feel strong.”

“That’s because you don’t see what I see.”

“And what do you see?”

Aric reached over, forcing me to face him head on. “When I look at you, I see the most sarcastic and frustrating woman I’ve ever met in my entire life. I see smiles and laughter – even if they’re missing right now. I see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”

I couldn’t keep the laughter from bubbling up. “When did you get so womanish?”

“When I lost you,” Aric said.

I was uncomfortable with the expression on his face. It could only be described as yearning. “I can’t wait for you,” I said. “I have to move on. I can’t keep … treading water. I really will drown if I do.”

“Not yet,” Aric said. “Please, give me some time.”

“You keep saying that,” I said. “Every time I look at you, I remember Laura’s face when she died. I remember that you knew – and you did nothing. I’m not going to be able to get past that.”

“Don’t say that.”

“You have Caitlyn,” I said. “Don’t say you don’t. I know you’re lying. You’re just trying to make me feel better. I actually appreciate the effort. I’ve been holding onto you because … well … I’m not sure how to completely let you go. I have to try, though. I don’t know what that will entail, but I have to try.”

Aric gripped my arms tighter. “You don’t have to let me go. I don’t want you to let me go.”

I pulled away from him, even as my body protested the movement. “I don’t have a choice.” I moved toward the door. “I think you should go. Take the red devil with you.”

“Zoe.”

“What?”

“I don’t care if you let me go,” he said. “I won’t let you go.”

“You already have,” I said. “You did it last spring. I just keep pretending you didn’t. I have to accept it and move on. I guess that’s my new mission.”

Aric’s voice was small – but firm. “Your mission is to survive. You don’t have another mission. I choose to believe that this is going to work out – because I can’t imagine life if it doesn’t. So, do what you have to do.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to fix everything.”

It was a nice thought. Unfortunately, I think he was living in denial – the same place I’d been living for the past nine months. Part of me was still dwelling there. “Good luck.”