92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (4 page)

Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale researchers, thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted another study that, they assumed, would confirm “the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.” This time, they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked. The results? All went as expected when women told their personal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 12

12

How to Talk to Anyone

of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.

Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing through their veins.7 This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction, people will feel they have captivated you. Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the following technique, which I call “Sticky Eyes,” for the joy of the recipient—and for your own advantage. (Guys, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment.)
Technique #2

Sticky Eyes

Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation

partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye

contact even after he or she has finished speaking.

When you must look away, do it ever so slowly,

reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny

string finally breaks.

What About Guys’ Eyes?

Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 13

How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes
13

more than normal with men on day-to-day communications—

and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect.

I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over people’s feelings.

Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer, and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening. A week later Sammy called me and said, “Leil, Sticky Eyes has changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. With women, I make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. And now everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!”

If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most people in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge, an “I’m here for you” attitude.

Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 14

✰
3
How to Use Your Eyes

to Make Someone Fall

in Love with You

Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or superglue eyes. Let’s call them “Epoxy Eyes.” Big bosses use Epoxy Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)

The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off—you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works. Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks, “Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?”

Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener.

Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented. Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others
14

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 15

How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You
15

who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for analytical purposes. When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen.

Technique #3

Epoxy Eyes

This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch

your target person even when someone else is talking.

No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or

woman you want to impact.

Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.

Use Epoxy Eyes to Push Their

Erotic Button

If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It says, “I can’t take my eyes off you” or “I only have eyes for you.” Anthropologists have dubbed eyes “the initial organ of romance” because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.8 It also releases a druglike substance into our 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 16

16

How to Talk to Anyone

nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on.

Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women—if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!)

01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 17

✰
4
How to Look Like a

Big Winner Wherever

You Go

Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? “The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction—a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?”

The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person.

When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes.

This is the look winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.

17

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 18

18

How to Talk to Anyone

Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, “Stand up straight!” hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teachers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a Somebody.

In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is not only desirable—it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.

I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net.

In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.

To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows. Each perfectly aligned—head high, shoulders back—standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive.

01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 19

How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go

19

Your Posture Is Your Biggest

Success Barometer

Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body.

Before walking through any door—the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.

One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a big winner.

You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room).

You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner. Like he said, “great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.” The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 20

20

How to Talk to Anyone

Technique #4

Hang by Your Teeth

Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame

of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with

it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the

peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth,

every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position. Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention outward to your conversation partner. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million.

01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 21

✰
5
How to Win Their

Heart by Responding to

Their “Inner Infant”

Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out of his mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?”

The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.

Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us?

Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are?

We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!

Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I submit” position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness. Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your
21