92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (9 page)

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How to Talk to Anyone

Technique #13

Wh o oz at

Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn

into icebreakers.

Now the third in our little trio of meeting-who-you-want tricks.

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14
How to Break into a

Tight Crowd

The woman you’ve decided you MUST meet is wearing no Whatzit? Can’t find the host for the Whoozat technique? To make matters worse, she’s deep in conversation with a group of her friends. Seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting, doesn’t it? You can’t just say, “Excuse me, I just thought I’d eavesdrop in and say ‘Hello.’ ”

No obstacle blocks the resolute politician, who always has a trick or ten up his or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the

“Eavesdrop In” technique. Eavesdropping, of course, conjures images of clandestine activities—wiretapping, Watergate breakins, or spies skulking around in the murky shadows. Eavesdropping has historical precedent with politicians so, in a pinch, it naturally comes to mind.

At parties, stand near the group of people you wish to infiltrate. Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing that you

. . .” and then whatever is relevant here. For example “I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m going there next month for the first time. Any suggestions?”

Now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to your intended.

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How to Talk to Anyone

Technique #14

Eavesdrop In

No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just

sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but

overhear. . . .”

Will they be taken aback? Momentarily.

Will they get over it? Momentarily.

Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!

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15
How to Make “Where

Are You From?”

Sound Exciting

You wouldn’t dream of going to a party naked. And I hope you wouldn’t dream of letting your conversation be exposed naked and defenseless against the two inevitable assaults “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?”

When asked these questions, most people, like clunking a frozen steak on a china platter, drop a brick of frozen geography or baffling job title on the asker’s conversational platter. Then they slap on the muzzle.

You’re at a convention. Everyone you meet will, of course, ask

“And where are you from?” When you give them the short-form naked-city answer “Oh, I’m from Muscatine, Iowa” (or Millinocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; or anywhere they haven’t heard of ), what can you expect except a blank stare? Even if you’re a relatively big city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michigan; or San Diego, California, you’ll receive a panicked look from all but American history professors. They’re rapidly racking their brains thinking “What do I say next?” Even the names of worldclass burgs like New York, Chicago, Washington, and Los Angeles inspire less-than-riveting responses. When I tell people I’m from New York City, what are they expected to say? “Duh, seen any good muggings lately?”

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How to Talk to Anyone

Do humanity and yourself a favor. Never, ever, give just a onesentence response to the question, “Where are you from?” Give the asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough. Give the hungry communicator something to conversationally nibble on. All it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city—some interesting fact, some witty observation—to hook the asker into the conversation. Several months ago, a trade association invited me to be its keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists. Just before my speech, I was introduced to Mrs. Devlin, who was the head of the association.

“How do you do?” she asked.

“How do you do?” I replied.

Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample of my stimulating conversational expertise. I asked her where she was from. She plunked a frozen “Columbus, Ohio” and a big expectant grin on my platter. I had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible conversation. My mind thrashed into action. Leil’s thought pattern: “Gulp, Columbus, Ohio. I’ve never been there, hmm. Criminy, what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff, a successful speaker who lives there. But Columbus is too big to ask if she knows him . . . and besides only kids play the ‘Do-youknow-so-and-so’ game.” My panicked silent search continued. “I think it’s named after Christopher Columbus . . . but I’m not sure, so I better keep my mouth shut on that one.” Four or five other possibilities raced through my mind but I rejected them all as too obvious, too adolescent, or too off-the-wall.

I realized by now that seconds had passed, and Mrs. Devlin was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face. She was waiting for me (the “expert” who, within the hour, was expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating conversation) to spew forth words of wit or wisdom.

“Oh, Columbus, gee,” I mumbled in desperation, watching her face fall into the worried expression of a patient being asked by the surgeon, knife poised in hand, “Where’s your appendix?”

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I never came up with stimulating conversation on Columbus. But, just then, under the knife, I created the following technique for posterity. I call it “Never the Naked City.”

Technique #15

Never the Naked City

Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where

are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their

powers of imagination with a one-word answer.

Learn some engaging facts about your hometown

that conversational partners can comment on. Then,

when they say something clever in response to your

bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.

Different Bait for Shrimp or Sharks

A fisherman uses different bait to bag bass or bluefish. And you will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticated sharks. Your hook should relate to the type of person you’re speaking with. I’m originally from Washington, D.C. If someone at, say, an art gallery asked me where I was from, I might answer “Washington, D.C.—designed, you know, by the same city planner who designed Paris.” This opens the conversational possibilities to the artistry of city planning, Paris, other cities’ plans, European travel, and so forth. At a social party of singles I’d opt for another answer. “I’m from Washington, D.C. The reason I left is there were seven women to every man when I was growing up.” Now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of being single, the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere, or even flirtatious possibilities.

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In a political group, I’d cast a current fact from the constantly evolving political face of Washington. No need to speculate on the multitude of conversational possibilities that unlocks. Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town. Search the World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an old-fashioned encyclopedia—all rich sources for future stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statistics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny bones.

The Devlin debacle inspired further research. The minute I got home, I called the Columbus chamber of commerce and the historical society. Say you, too, are from Columbus, Ohio, and your new acquaintance lays it on you: “Where are you from?”

When you are talking with a businessperson, your answer could be, “I’m from Columbus, Ohio. You know many major corporations do their product testing in Columbus because it’s so commercially typical. In fact, it’s been called ‘the most American city in America.’ They say if it booms or bombs in Columbus, it booms or bombs nationally.”

Talking with someone with a German last name? Tell her about Columbus’s historic German Village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s-style little houses. It’s bound to inspire stories of the old country. Your conversation partner’s surname is Italian? Tell him Genoa, Italy, is Columbus’s sister city. Talking with an American history buff ? Tell him that Columbus was, indeed, named after Christopher Columbus and that a replica of the
Santa Maria
is anchored in the Scioto River. Talking with a student? Tell her about the five universities in Columbus. The possibilities continue. You suspect your conversation partner has an artistic bent? “Ah,” you throw out casually, “Columbus is the home of artist George Bellows.”

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always have to say “Columbus, Ohio” because there is also a Columbus, Arkansas; Columbus, Georgia; Columbus, Indiana; Columbus, Kansas; Columbus, Kentucky; Columbus, Mississippi; Columbus, Montana; Columbus, Nebraska; Columbus, New Jersey; Columbus, New Mexico; Columbus, North Carolina; Columbus, North Dakota; Columbus, Pennsylvania; Columbus, Texas; and Columbus, Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possibilities to fifteen other states. Remember, as a quotable notable once said, “No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his turn next.”

A postscript to the hellish experience I had with Columbus. Months later, I mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from Columbus, Jeff. Jeff explained his house was really in a smaller town just minutes outside Columbus.

“What town, Jeff ?”

“Gahanna, Ohio. Gahanna means ‘hell’ in Hebrew,” he said, and then went on to explain why he thought ancient Hebrew historians were clairvoyant. Thanks, Jeff, I knew you’d never lay a naked city on any of your listeners.

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16
How to Come Out a

Winner Every Time

They Ask, “And What

Do You Do?”

Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soon chirp, “And what do you do?” (Is it fitting and proper they should make that query? We’ll pick up that sticky wicket later.) For the moment, these few defensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the inevitable question.

First, like Never the Naked City, don’t toss a short-shrift answer in response to the asker’s breathless inquiry. You leave the poor fish flopping on the deck when you just say your title: “I’m an actuary/an auditor/an author/an astrophysicist.” Have mercy so he or she doesn’t feel like a nincompoop outsider asking, “What, er, kind of actuizing (auditing, authoring, or astrophysizing) do you do?”

You’re an attorney. Don’t leave it to laymen to try to figure out what you really do. Flesh it out. Tell a little story your conversation partner can get a handle on. For example, if you’re talking with a young mother say, “I’m an attorney. Our firm specializes in employment law. In fact, now I’m involved in a case where a com
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How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, “And What Do You Do?” 69

Technique #16

Never the Naked Job

When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you

may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer”

is giving enough information to engender good

conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,

educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying

“I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.”

Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about

your job for new acquaintances to munch on.

Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring

the snacks back at the cheese tray.

pany actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave that was a medical necessity.” A mother can relate to that. Talking with a business owner? Say “I’m an attorney. Our firm specializes in employment law. My current case concerns an employer who is being sued by one of her staff for asking personal questions during the initial job interview.” A business owner can relate to that.

Painful Memories of Naked Job Flashers

I still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted by naked job flashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me, “I’m a nuclear scientist.” My weak “Oh, that must be fascinating” reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes. The chap on my other side announced, “I’m in industrial abrasives,” and then paused, waiting for me to be impressed. My “Well, er, golly, you must have to be a shrewd judge of character to be in 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 70

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industrial abrasives” didn’t fly either. We three sat in silence the rest of the meal.

Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, “I’m planning to teach Tibetan Buddhism at Truckee Meadows Community College,” and then clammed up. I knew less about Truckee Meadows than I did about Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you what you do, give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say something.