A Breach of Promise (34 page)

“By God, you’re right!” Lambert exploded savagely. “Heaven help us all … what a bigoted, shortsighted, narrow, self-seeking lot we are!” He stood in the corridor with his shoulders hunched, his jaw tight, his fists clenched in front of him.

“Sometimes,” Rathbone agreed. “But at least if we can see it, there is hope for us.”

“There’s no bloody hope for Melville! We’ve finished that!” Lambert spat back at him.

“I know.” Rathbone did not argue his own guilt. It was academic. Lambert’s greater guilt did not absolve anyone else. “Now, if you will excuse me, Mr. Lambert, I have people I desire to inform, and regrettably, other cases.” He left Lambert standing staring after him and hurried towards the doors, pushing past people, ignoring them. There was no purpose to be served anymore, but he wanted to tell Monk personally rather than leave him to read it in the newspapers.

Monk was shattered by the news, although he too felt that he should at least have considered the possibility, but it had never occurred to him. He made no trite or critical comments to Rathbone, who was apparently already castigating himself too fiercely. And for once Monk felt a sharp compassion for him. He understood guilt very well; it was a familiar emotion since rediscovering himself after the accident. It is a uniquely distressing experience to see yourself only through the eyes of others, too often those you have injured in some way, to know irrefutably what you have done but not why you did it, not the mitigating circumstances, the beliefs you held at the time which made your actions seem reasonable then.

After Rathbone had gone, he took a hansom to Tavistock Square to tell Hester and—if he was interested—Gabriel Sheldon the outcome.

He was welcomed at the door by the maid, Martha Jackson, and immediately remembered the impossible job he had promised her he would do. It was not the fruitless work that he dreaded, or even the waste of time he could have spent earning very necessary money, but the fact that anything he discovered, even supposing he was able to, would be distressing. Then he would have to make the decision what to tell her and what to tell Hester, who would be less easily deceived.

“Good evening, Miss Jackson,” he said with forced cheerfulness. “The case of Mr. Melville”—he did not need to explain the truth here on the doorstep; it was simpler to say “Mr.”—“has concluded very tragically, and in a way we could not have guessed. I should like to tell Miss Latterly—and Lieutenant Sheldon, if he cares to know.”

She looked surprisingly harassed, and less than interested herself. She stood in the doorway, hesitating as to how she should answer.

“Is something wrong, Miss Jackson?” He felt a sudden wave of apprehension and realized with surprise how much Melville’s death had disturbed him. The whole story left him with a sense of loss he did not know how to dispel.

“No!” she said too firmly. She made herself smile, and it was so painful he became more worried. “No …” she went on. “Lieutenant Sheldon is not very well today. He had a poor night, that is all. Please come in, Mr. Monk. I shall inform Miss Latterly that you are here. I hope you won’t mind if you have to wait a little while? The withdrawing room is quite warm.”

“Of course not,” he answered; it was the only possible thing to say. He had called uninvited. He followed her obediently into the pleasant, rather ordinary withdrawing room, and she left him to possess himself in patience.

The wait was indeed long, about half an hour, and when Hester finally arrived she too looked tired and a little flustered, her attention not wholly with him.

“Martha told me the Melville case is over,” she said, coming in and closing the door behind her. She met his eyes and then saw the tragedy in them. Her expression changed. Now she
was filled with apprehension and pity. “Is he ruined? Could Oliver not do anything for him? What happened? Did he change his plea?”

“I suppose so … in effect, yes.” He found the words suddenly difficult to say. “He killed himself. Isaac Wolff found him last night.”

Her face crumpled as if she had been physically hit.

“Oh, William … I’m so sorry!” She closed her eyes tightly. “How damnable! Why do we do that to people? If he loved another man, what business is it of ours? We’ll all answer to God in one way or another. If we are not hurting each other, isn’t that enough?”

“He wasn’t homosexual,” he said with a jerky laugh. “He committed a greater offense than that, in most people’s view.”

She opened her eyes. “What?” Then the tears spilled over. “What did he do? Jilt Zillah Lambert? He never accused her of anything. He was scrupulous not to. That was Oliver’s problem. What did he do?”

“He deceived the world … man and woman,” he replied. “Totally effectively. All except Isaac Wolff … he knew. But the rest of them were completely fooled … all taken in. They can’t forgive that. Some of the women might be laughing, a very few, secretly, but none of the men.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about. You aren’t making any sense.”

“Killian Melville was a woman.”

“What did you say?” she protested.

“You heard what I said. Keelin was her real name, and she was a woman.” The anger rang through his voice. “She dressed as a man because no one would allow her even to study architecture, let alone practice it, as a woman. She fooled everyone, except Isaac Wolff, who loved her.”

“How terrible!” Her face was filled with amazement and anguish.

For a moment he did not understand. Surely Hester, of all people, could not be so quick to judge automatically and cruelly. His sense of disillusion was so sharp for an instant he
could think of nothing else. It was not the Hester he knew, who was so close that her loyalty and her compassion were part of the framework of his world.

Hester was not even looking at him. “It must have been there every day,” she said softly. “Pulling at her both ways, until it tore her apart. She was a woman, she loved Isaac Wolff, but she could never marry him. Even by being with him she risked branding him as a criminal.” She focused her gaze, meeting Monk’s eyes demandingly. “Can you imagine it? Can you imagine the scenes between them? She must have been terrified for him, not knowing which way to turn. And he would have loved her enough to take love, take time together, the sharing of dreams, great things, aspirations and the wonder of thought and idea and passion.” She winced as she said it, her eyes bright. “And little things that hurt, the small disappointments.” Her voice cracked. “The sudden ache for no reason, the tiredness, the confusion, just the need not to be alone … and the jokes, the silly things that make you laugh, something beautiful, a splash of sunlight, a particular flower, a kind act, the ironies and the absurdities, the little victories which can mean so much.”

Her voice shook. She took a long, slow breath. Her lips trembled. “And she couldn’t! Every time she was with him put them both in danger from prying eyes, people with cruel and inquisitive minds. No wonder she sought friendship with Zillah Lambert. It was at least a moment of sharing something, to see pretty things, a woman’s things, perfume, silks, gowns, all the things she couldn’t afford ever to have herself. Imagine what she risked if she had ever, even once, worn a dress!”

He started to speak and then stopped.

“Why do we do that?” Suddenly she was savage, her voice thick with emotion. She stared at him as if demanding an answer. “Why do we make rules about what a person should be … I mean rules that don’t matter?
Why
shouldn’t a woman be an architect, or a doctor, or anything else? What are we so frightened of?” She lashed out with her arm. “And why do we make men pretend they aren’t afraid or don’t make mistakes, like women and children? Of course they do. We all know they
do, we just cover it up or look the other way. It’s much easier to admit you were wrong, and go back and do the right thing, than it is to go on adding evasion to evasion, one invention after another to conceal the last, and then you probably aren’t fooling anybody, except those who want to be fooled.”

He did not interrupt, knowing she needed to say it all. Anyway, he agreed with her.

She scowled at him. “Look at Gabriel and Perdita.” She clenched her hands. “He’s been taught to be brave, never to explain, never to ask for help. He’s been given a hero’s image to live up to, and he’s riddled with guilt because he thinks he can’t. And she’s been taught to be helpless and stupid because that’s what men want, and all she should do is be a sweet-natured, obedient ornament.” Her face was puckered, all her muscles tight. “And she has to sit by and watch him hurt, because he thinks he should be looking after her, and he can’t even look after himself.”

She drew breath. “And that idiot Athol Sheldon bumbles around telling them it would all be all right if they just behaved normally and forgot the grief and pain and the horror as if it never happened and all those people never died. It’s a mockery of the reality of life. It makes me so angry I could …”

She was at a loss for words. He could not remember ever seeing that before. He wanted to say something to show he understood and felt the same anger and loss.

He also thought, against his will and with a curious, sharp hunger, of all the things she had said about joy and not being alone, of having the opportunity to share with someone the bonds of honesty and familiarity which are the deepest of all friendships, the losing of the barriers of fear, which divide.

He reached forward and took her hands and held them in his, quite gently, feeling after a moment her fingers respond. It was not a strong grasp, not a clinging, just a knowledge of the other’s being there, a gentleness for which there were no words, perhaps even a memory of many other times when they had felt the same but had remained separate.

It was a clatter of footsteps on the stairs which disturbed
them. Hester pulled away slowly, turning to the door as Perdita came in.

“Oh!” she said, seeing Monk. “Oh, I’m sorry. Hester … I don’t know what to do. It’s just impossible. I can’t manage this!” She was obviously on the edge of tears, her face pink, and she was breathing rapidly. She behaved as if she had already forgotten Monk was there or simply was past caring.

Hester was on the very edge of losing her temper. Monk could see it in the rigidity of her body, especially her neck. When she spoke her voice was brittle.

“Well, if you really can’t, perhaps you had better give up,” she answered. “I don’t know quite what that means. I suppose you do or you wouldn’t have said it. Have the staff look after Gabriel, and you lead a separate life. I don’t know whether you could afford it financially. Maybe Athol would help? Or if you ask him, Gabriel would release you from the marriage altogether. He offered to before. You told me that when I first came. Only then, of course, you said you wouldn’t dream of it.”

Perdita looked as if she had been struck in the face. Her eyes were wide and her mouth slack.

“I’m sure you could marry again,” Hester went on ruthlessly, her voice getting harder and heavier. “You are very pretty—in fact, quite beautiful—and you have a very docile and agreeable nature … just what most men want—”

“Stop it!” Perdita shouted at her. “You mean I’m stupid and cowardly, and no use for anything but to do as I’m told! I’m fine when everything is all right. I can simper and smile and flatter people and be obedient. I can keep my place and make anyone feel comfortable … and superior. But when something goes wrong, and you need a woman with courage and intelligence, I just run away. I don’t think of anybody but myself. How I feel … and what I want.” Her lips were trembling, but she did not stop. She gulped and swallowed, glaring at Hester. “Then you can step in, all brave and unselfish. You know what to do, what to say. You’re never afraid, never confused. Nothing ever revolts you or makes you want to run away and pretend it never happened!”

Her voice was rising high and becoming louder. The servants must have been able to hear her as far as the kitchen. “Well, I’ll tell you something, Miss Perfect Nurse! Nobody wants a woman who is never wrong. You can’t love somebody who doesn’t need you, who’s never vulnerable or frightened or makes mistakes. I may not be half as clever as you are, or as brave, or know anything about Indian history or soldiers or what it is like to see real war … but I know that.”

Hester stood very stiff, her back like a ramrod, her shoulders clenched so tight Monk felt as if he could see the bones of them pulling against her dress. He was not certain, but he thought she was shivering. This was what she had wanted, what she had intended to happen when she had provoked Perdita … at least he thought it was. But that did not stop it from hurting. There was too much truth in it, and yet it was also so terribly wrong.

“You are lashing out in anger, Mrs. Sheldon,” he said in a low, controlled voice. “And you don’t know what you are talking about. You know nothing of Miss Latterly except what you have seen in this house. There are many kinds of men and many kinds of love. Sometimes we imagine what we must hunger for is a sweet and clinging creature who will feed our vanity and hang upon our words, dependent upon our judgment all the time.” He took a breath. “And then we meet the harder realities of life, and a woman who has the courage, the fire and the intelligence to be our equal, and we discover that those joys far outweigh the irritations and discomforts.” He stared at her very hard. “You must be true to the best in yourself, Mrs. Sheldon, but you have no grounds and no right to insult where you do not know the facts. Miss Latterly may not be loved widely, but she is loved very deeply indeed, more than most women can aspire to or dare to accept.”

The color burned up in Perdita’s cheeks. She was furious and overwhelmed with embarrassment. She did not know what to say, and the rage boiling inside her was only too apparent in her eyes.

Hester, on the other hand, stood as if frozen.

Monk could barely believe he had said what he had. His first instinct, almost taking his breath away, was to deny it, somehow qualify it all so it did not apply to him. The desire to escape was so urgent it was like a physical compulsion.

He saw Hester’s back and shoulders, the dress still pulled tight, her neck muscles stiff. As clearly as if he could see her eyes, he knew she was waiting for him to deny his words, to withdraw or disclaim.