A Brief Moment in TIme (18 page)

Kate waited patiently for the call from the prison administration and was pleasantly surprised to hear from them the next morning. They said they had a few more questions and wanted to meet with her again. She went expectantly, feeling confident their answer would be yes. She was met by smiling faces, and that helped boost her confidence even more. Their questions had to do with the administration of the program, the length and frequency of the sessions—all things that were flexible and rather insignificant in her mind. Overall, they were pleased to welcome her to Swenton and offered their complete cooperation with the program.

The warden called her aside as the others left his office. “Ms. Harding, may I have a word with you?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied and invited him to call her Kate.

“I wanted to mention something that I thought might be of interest to you. There’s a man, a former inmate actually, who’s interested in volunteering at the prison. He’s familiar with your teachings and is hoping to be able to mentor some of the men here.

“It’s quite a coincidence.” The warden scratched his head. “When he made the appointment to see me this morning, I had no idea what he wanted to discuss. Since you’re both here, I wondered if you’d like to meet him. I didn’t say anything to him yet; I wanted to ask you first.”

A tightening sensation in her chest told Kate the man he was referring to was Gavin, and that knowing made it difficult to breathe, let alone answer the warden. She nodded and forced a smile. “I’d be happy to meet him.”

She couldn’t think of a satisfactory resolution to the situation. The thought of seeing Gavin unexpectedly left her nearly paralyzed with anxiety, but discovering it was someone else altogether would be hugely disappointing. She had no choice but to follow the warden as he led her to one of the outer offices where the man was waiting.

AS THE DOOR OPENED, Gavin stared at what he was sure must be an illusion. Entering ahead of the warden was the woman who had been in his dreams for months. Kate stood before him, alive, healthy, beautiful, and very real.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He noticed she was staring, too, but realized it could very well be in response to the shocked look on his face. Averting his eyes, he waited as the warden made introductions. Then he shook her hand politely as he tried desperately to think of what to say.

After the warden left them alone, Gavin spoke. “Kate…” he shook his head, regretting his blunder. “I’m sorry…Ms. Harding. It’s nice to meet you.”

“No, please, call me Kate,” she responded graciously.

He couldn’t help notice the beseeching look in her eyes. “Kate,” he stammered. “Your teaching...it’s amazing. It’s really...um... helped me a lot.”

“How did you learn about my work?” she inquired, her eyes asking more than her words.

“I…” Gavin met her eyes and sent a silent message.
Please remember me, Kate
.
“It’s a long story,” he said, exhaling audibly, “...and kind of a strange one.”

“I’ve got time. Would you like to go for coffee?” She extended the invitation easily, but Gavin couldn’t miss the look on her face: subtle apprehension mixed with a kind of longing, as though she was begging him to hear what she couldn’t say aloud.

Gavin’s inner knowing confirmed his suspicions. He didn’t know how the conversation would unfold, but he knew without a doubt that she knew him. He eagerly accepted the offer of coffee.

“Do you like Starbucks?” she asked. “There’s one not far from here.”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I’ve never been. I’m game to try, though.” As he watched her, he noticed a slight frown followed by a strained smile.

“ALL RIGHT, let’s go, then.” As Kate led the way, she silently questioned Gavin’s response.
If he’s never been to Starbucks, then he hasn’t experienced the same alternate reality that I have.

She was dying to find out if he really did know her and if so, how, but she decided to be cautious. It had been a shock seeing him, and all kinds of emotions were erupting inside her; she didn’t want to say something that could jeopardize any future relationship they might have, whether it be personal or merely work related.

Gavin seemed uncomfortable as they entered the coffee shop. She reminded herself that it hadn’t been long since his release and that he was probably still discovering new things every day.

“What would you like to drink?” she inquired, watching him.

“Coffee, I guess.” Frowning at the menu board, he laughed, “Do they even serve it here?” 

“Do you trust me?” she asked, taking the term
déjà vu
to a whole new level. “Why don’t I order the drinks and you get us a seat?”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “Thanks.”

Kate ordered what he’d already tried and liked in her dream, hoping for the best. As she waited for the barista to make their drinks, she was glad for a moment to collect her thoughts. She had no idea what Gavin was about to say or how she would respond. She could only hope it was what she’d been longing to hear. After several calming breaths, she reminded herself that it was all unfolding perfectly.

Drinks in hand, Kate headed to the table. Gavin smiled as she sat down. He took a sip of the latte she handed him. “I could get used to this,” he remarked, looking pleased with his drink. “Things have really changed since…” He stopped mid-sentence and gazed at her intently. “Kate.” He took a deep breath. “You asked me how I know about your work.”

She nodded, wanting to assure him that she was open to hear what he had to say, confident that she already knew what it was.

“Something happened to me...while I was in prison. I had this dream…sort of…” He swallowed hard. “It might even have been...I don’t know...some sort of...alternate reality.”

He was struggling, and Kate longed to ease his discomfort by telling him everything, Still, she proceeded with caution. “I’m familiar with those kinds of things, Gavin,” she replied, her heart pounding. “I’ve experienced them, too.”

“You have?”

She wondered why it surprised him that she could relate to what he was saying, but waited for him to continue. He described his time in the infirmary and the dream he had of her being at Swenton, teaching him. She listened intently, and when he stopped, she waited, expecting him to continue, but he didn’t.

“So what happened then?” she asked, trying to be casual, but nearly bursting with suspense.

“After I got out of the infirmary, I found that none of it had actually happened. But I still had all that I learned from you...and the memories.”

Kate caught something in the way he’d said
memories
. There was more he wasn’t saying, but she didn’t know how to ask. She felt disappointed. It was obvious that his experience differed from hers—or that she had just continued hers, embellishing it with the fantasy of a relationship, ending it with a kiss.

“In our sessions together, we talked a bit about reality. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I’ve thought about it since. It seems to be multidimensional with layers that people can experience consciously or unconsciously. I think a lot of it is probably unconscious,” he added, looking at her with questions in his eyes.

“That’s remarkable, Gavin. I’ve been searching for a definition for reality, a way to sum up what I’ve been experiencing. You just described it perfectly.”

Gavin didn’t respond; he stared into his drink while unspoken words echoed between them. There was so much Kate wanted to share, but she was tentative, fearing she’d say too much.

“You said you can relate.” He looked at her with conviction on his face, a determination to say what needed to be said. “But...have you just experienced the same kinds of things…” he paused. “Or did you experience what I did…
with
me?”

He’d gone the extra step. Kate was incredibly grateful for his willingness to be vulnerable. Now it was her turn. “Yes, Gavin, I did. I mean…I think it was the same,” she clarified, hoping to find a reason for the discrepancies in their stories. “I was at Swenton; I experienced the sessions just as you described. You were making great progress…but…”

“What is it?” Gavin begged. “What happened?”

She was afraid but willing to be vulnerable, too. She knew she could tell him more, maybe not all, but definitely more. “I was there with my colleagues,” she began. “We set up the program and spent weeks meeting with the men in groups and individual sessions. I was amazed at how quickly you were learning and understanding what I taught. I was so impressed by your progress that I recommended you for early parole, and they approved you for day passes…” she paused. “But that’s where I get confused. Our stories seem to differ.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were approved, Gavin, and I accompanied you home. It was a Thursday. We left at eight in the morning and stopped here at Starbucks on the way to your parents’ farm.” She could see the surprised look on his face, but continued. “I met your parents...and your sister and her husband and their two little girls. Your mom made brunch, all your favorite foods. You showed me around the farm. It was lovely. Your family was wonderful. You seemed so happy…” She was shaking now, almost uncontrollably.

Gavin touched her arm in a comforting gesture. “What happened, Kate?”

Kate closed her eyes, summoning the strength to continue. As difficult as it was, she had no choice. “I sprained my ankle. You helped me to the house. Sandra examined it to make sure that it wasn’t broken. We had a bite to eat and then left to go back to the city.” She summed up the facts, but omitted the most relevant details.

“Is that all?” he asked gently.

“No,” she admitted, nearing tears. She’d been forced to reduce the experience to a dream, but as she retold it now, it was as vivid as the day it happened. She wasn’t sure she could tell Gavin the rest without breaking down. All of a sudden she felt self-conscious sitting in the middle of a busy coffee shop. “Do you mind if we go somewhere else?” she asked. “I’m staying at the Rideau; it’s not far from here. Maybe we could find a quieter place to talk.”

Kate and Gavin stood up together and walked silently to their cars. Arriving at the hotel minutes later, they entered the lobby, and Kate looked around. Several sofa groupings were set back from the main reception area, and she led the way to one. It was a much better spot, more conducive to the type of conversation she perceived they were about to have.

Gavin was quiet, obviously waiting for her to continue. He sat facing her on one end of the sofa, his arm draped over the back. He looked great. She’d hardly noticed his appearance earlier; she’d been in too much shock. He wore dress pants with a shirt and tie, and his hair was trimmed. He looked older, more mature, than Kate remembered.

She took a deep breath and found the courage to tell the rest of her story. “You fell asleep on the drive home. You’d mentioned that you hadn’t slept the night before, so I knew you must be exhausted. You didn’t look comfortable, though, and I tried to adjust the seat back without waking you. I took my eyes off the road for a second…”

It was apparent by the look on his face that Gavin hadn’t experienced anything close to what she described. Yet the revelation hadn’t upset him; he was listening intently, waiting for her to conclude.

“I heard a car horn. I swerved in time to miss the other vehicle, but I lost control and we rolled. When everything settled, I looked at you, and you had blood all over your face and chest. I tried to find my cell phone…” Her voice was shaking again, and she took a moment to calm herself.

“You kept telling me that everything was okay, but it wasn’t. I was afraid you were dying and it was all my fault. And then you told me…”

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t repeat the words Gavin had spoken to her; it was too much.
If he didn’t have the same experience, then he never said the words and maybe never felt them either.
Kate longed to go back and unsay what she’d already spoken. She could envision a giant chasm between them now, and she didn’t know how to bridge it.

Gavin leaned toward her and took her hand. He looked her in the eye and finished her sentence. “I told you I loved you.”

She gasped. “How did you know?”

“I may not remember that particular incident,” he said softly. “But it’s what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been wanting to say ever since I met you.”

“But how…?” She looked at him helplessly. “I really don’t understand any of this.”

“I don’t either,” he admitted. “But we can’t deny it, and we can’t undo it. Maybe together we can try to figure it out.”

She nodded her head, liking the way he said
together
. It felt good, yet she still had resistance. Her mind was sifting through all that had taken place.

“What did you say?” he asked, grinning.

She frowned, not understanding his question.

“What did you say,” he asked again, “when I told you I loved you?”

“I told you that I loved you, too,” she sighed, feeling such enormous relief at having shared her story that she decided to include the final important detail and have everything on the table. “And then I kissed you.”