A Brief Moment in TIme (5 page)

So I’m just focusing right now—that’s all this is? You’re telling me this “experience” of being in jail for the past seventeen years hasn’t been real?
Gavin sighed.
I’d like to believe that
.

“I’m here to help you do that, Gavin,” Kate replied. “I love you and I know who you are. I’m here to help you remember.”

I love you, too
.
Gavin couldn’t deny it any longer; he was in love with Kathryn Harding, the woman, and with Kate, the apparition, the goddess of his dreams. It felt good to acknowledge what he’d been feeling, but the questions continued. He had so many, and Kate was there—listening, knowing, and willing to answer them all.

So I’m creating this experience?
he persisted, needing to find clarity on the subject.
Why would I do that? If I get to choose what I focus on and create it, why wouldn’t I create an easy, comfortable life? Why aren’t I rich and successful, or at least living a normal life like everybody else?

“You’ve already created those things—many times. And you will again. But this time, you had specific desires that only this experience could help you fulfill.”

What desires?

“You knew you were free,” she explained. “Conceptually, you understood freedom completely and thoroughly, but you wanted to experience it in a new way.” Kate spoke with an authority that Gavin didn’t think to question. “You knew who you were with a knowing that can’t be shaken, but you wanted to taste that identity so fully that even being branded as a murderer and spending years behind bars wouldn’t stop you from realizing it.”

As Gavin listened to Kate’s words, he marveled at them. They sounded so profound, so true. Suddenly everything in his life up to that point made sense. All his years in prison seemed a small price to pay for that knowing.

So now that I know this, what do I do? Start over? Learn something new?

“You’re just beginning to understand, Gavin,” Kate reminded him. “You’ve provided yourself with the contrast necessary to evoke powerful desires. Now the fun begins. Now you get to see them manifest. You get to focus on the outcome of each desire and feel the invigorating, insatiable joy that coming into alignment with it brings.”

How do I do that?

Chapter 5

“SO WHERE DID you learn this stuff you’re always talking about?”

“I’ve always known it.” Ryan looked up from his task and shot a faint smile Gavin’s way. “Are you saying you believe me now?”

“I’m not sure,” Gavin hesitated, not wanting to admit his change of heart. “Maybe...some of it.”

“You know it’s true,” Ryan asserted. “Deep down you know you believe it. It just feels right.”

The kid was right. It was more of a feeling than any kind of rational belief, and it was coming from a place deep within. Gavin was still curious, however. Kate had helped him understand his reasons for choosing to spend so many years of his life in prison. Now he wondered if Ryan was there for the same reason.

“So why are you here?” Gavin inquired.

“To help you remember.”

Ryan’s response baffled him. “You’re here…because of me?”

“You’ll understand soon enough,” Ryan responded, not really answering his question. “Things are going to get interesting, but just remember: you’re a powerful creator, and you’re in control of what happens to you. This is where life starts to get really fun.”

Ryan had pretty much just repeated what Kate had told him in his dream. Gavin looked at the boy in shock, anxiety rising within him. He had no idea how to respond.

What’s going on?
he asked, hoping for some higher wisdom to reveal itself.
Am I losing my mind? I have conversations with a woman in my head, and as if that’s not enough to get me committed, now this kid tells me the same things. Am I going crazy? Is this place finally getting to me?
Gavin started to feel extremely uncomfortable. His pulse quickened, and he began to perspire.

“You’re not crazy,” Ryan replied, somehow reading his thoughts. “All this and so much more is possible. Believe me. You’re getting out of here soon, and you wanted to know this to prepare you for what’s ahead. It might seem a little confusing now, but if you remember these things you’ll be okay.”

What things? And how do you know when I’m getting out of here?
Gavin tried to ask, but his throat wouldn’t let the words pass.

The all-too-familiar panic that had been frequenting his dreams and tormenting his mind at night suddenly took over his body. Beads of sweat ran down his face, and his legs threatened to give out. His heart began to race as the room started to spin out of control. Soon people were yelling orders and moving all around him.

He couldn’t recall what happened after that. He knew he must have blacked out, because he awoke in the prison infirmary with no memory of how long he’d been there or what time of day it was.

When the double doors swung open, Gavin saw Kate walking toward him, smiling. She was a welcome sight; he couldn’t think of anyone he would rather see. Neither said a word for a moment. Then she reached out, gently touching his hand. “You’re going to be all right, Gavin. The doctor said that you had a panic attack. Is this the first time you’ve experienced anything like this?”

“No.” He was relieved to finally tell Kate about the things that had been happening to him. “I wake up feeling like that almost every night.”

“How long has this been going on?” She looked concerned.

“A few weeks.”

Kate frowned. “You’ve never mentioned anything about it in our sessions.” She was stating a fact; her tone held no rebuke. “Do you feel comfortable talking about it now?”

“I wanted to mention it, but…”

“You don’t need to explain, Gavin. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

Gavin shook his head in response. He was eager now to share what had been troubling him.

“Do you remember your dreams?”

“I’m terrified and usually running from something. I know it has to do with the killing. I get that sickening feeling and often look down to see blood on my hands. But I don’t know what it means.”

“Dreams are manifestations. They’re directly related to the thoughts we think, the emotions we feel every day,” Kate explained. “But they can be confusing, especially if we try to sort out the specific details. What’s important here, Gavin, is how they make you feel. Your dreams are representative of things going on in other areas of your life. Has anything changed for you in the past few weeks? Can you think of anything that might have triggered this?”

The dreams had started soon after Ryan came to Swenton, but they also coincided with Kate’s rehabilitation program. And that, Gavin couldn’t understand. He looked at her, desperately wanting to tell her what he was feeling but not knowing how. Instead, he frowned and shook his head. “I…” he shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”

“May I?” She took his hand and held it in both of hers. He nodded, liking the silken feel of her touch.

Closing her eyes, she gently rubbed the back of his hand. As he listened to her breathing, Gavin watched her chest rise and fall and was mesmerized by the beauty and rhythm of it. Without even thinking to question what she was doing or why, he felt himself drift effortlessly into his private world, Kate with him.

They were on a calm river, relaxing in a dinghy, letting the river carry them. The scenery along the water was breathtaking. Trees in vibrant shades of orange, burgundy, and yellow decorated gentle banks. Fences climbed the slopes, attaching themselves to picturesque farms with red barns and two story houses. The houses all had shutters on the windows, and verandas that stretched across their width. Children played on the hills and in shallow water near the edge of the river. They waved as Gavin and Kate drifted by.

“Mmm, this is nice.” Kate leaned her head back, taking in the perfection of the moment.

Gavin smiled at her. She was beautiful, elegant even. Her arms were draped over the sides of the raft, and her long, graceful legs were stretched out comfortably. He was happy just to watch her.

She lifted her head and smiled lovingly at him. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Gavin.”

In that moment Gavin felt no fear and wondered what she was referring to.

“You know who you are now. You know why you’re here. You don’t have to be afraid.”

What am I afraid of?
Gavin stared at her blankly.

She leaned forward, and taking his hand she looked at him, peering deep into his soul.

Gavin gazed at the amber flecks in her eyes for a moment before he closed his own in a deliberate attempt to concentrate. He wanted to remember; he needed to know what was causing the anxiety.

The familiar emotion returned quickly in response to his focus, and the scenery around him began to transform. The sky darkened, and a giant wave washed over them, heaving their little dinghy into the air. He felt himself being thrown about, but instead of grabbing the raft to keep from going over the side, he pulled Kate to him, wanting to keep her safe. A second wave lifted them and this time sent them flying through the air.

“It’s not real, Gavin,” Kate breathed. “You can change it with your thoughts.”

Gavin was scared, but Kate’s words reminded him that in their make-believe world, a change of focus could create a whole new setting. With Kate in his arms, he closed his eyes and imagined them lying on a beach beside a tranquil lake. When he opened his eyes they were lying together as if they had been there all along. Only, she was completely dry, and he was soaked to the skin.

As he lay back exhausted, Kate gently stroked his cheek. “Are you okay?”

What happened?

“You focused on your fear and created a manifestation of it,” she said. “But you changed your focus. You’re in control now. You don’t have to be afraid.”

Gavin felt the immense power of Kate’s words and for the first time was able to look at his situation clearly. He wasn’t sure where the revelation had come from, but in that moment he knew precisely what was causing his fears.

He opened his physical eyes to see Kate still standing by his bed. “I know what I’m afraid of,” he told her eagerly. “I’m afraid of getting out of prison. I’m afraid of what people will think of me, afraid I won’t fit in.”

“It’s natural to feel that way, Gavin,” Kate soothed. “You’ve spent nearly half your life in this place. You’ve adapted to it. It’s what you’re most familiar with. Nearly everyone in your position experiences the same kind of fear or apprehension. But I’m here to help you. We can make that transition easier for you. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.” She reiterated the words she’d said to him in his vision.

Gavin looked at Kate questioningly. “I don’t understand what’s happening.” He shook his head, longing to bridge the gap between his two worlds.

“What do you mean, Gavin?”

“You and me…the visions…I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

Before she could respond, the doors to the infirmary burst open as several people rushed in, one of them a guard carrying someone. A man was placed on a gurney, and the commotion continued as orders were shouted and carried out. Gavin turned his head to see Ryan lying motionless just a few feet away. His face was blue, and efforts to revive him seemed futile.

He continued to watch until the guard ceased his efforts and with a solemn look to the others, shook his head. At that point Gavin turned to see Kate’s reaction, but she was no longer by his bed. She wasn’t in the group that surrounded Ryan, either. He had no idea why she’d left or where she would have gone.

As he dealt with the shock of the incident he’d just witnessed, Gavin recalled Ryan’s words: “You’ll understand soon enough.”

Gavin closed his eyes and turned away. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t make any sense of the bizarre things that were happening, and the troubling possibility that he might be suffering from some kind of mental breakdown began to weigh on him.

Part 2

~
Kathryn
~

This reality that you think is so stable and solid is not at all…it’s changing constantly. It’s changing and becoming and morphing to the degree that you allow it.