A Christmas Knight (11 page)

Although it felt strange to be back in the department, after two weeks off nursing her son, Louisa's first day back coincided with a cold snap and she didn't have time to think about anything except work. The waiting area was filled with people who'd slipped on the ice and put their hands out to save themselves, landed awkwardly and come to the emergency department in pain. Louisa was kept busy taking patient histories, getting them to show her with their good hand the position of their wrists when they'd fallen, and then sending them off for X-rays. Though she knew even before she sent them what the pictures would tell her: there was a classic Colles' fracture at the end of the distal radius.

For those who had fractures where the bone was in a good position for the break to heal normally, she put a
backslab on and rested their arm in a sling. ‘You'll need this to splint your arm for a couple of days until the swelling comes down, and then you'll see the fracture clinic to have a lightweight cast fitted,' she explained to her patients. ‘You might need a second cast, a couple of weeks later, and you'll be in plaster for up to six weeks.' In two cases, the bone had moved so the patient needed anaesthesia and manipulation to get the bone back in the right place for healing. But in all cases she gave the standard advice to rest the fracture as much as possible, hold it above the heart, and make sure they didn't get the cast or backslab wet as they didn't dry out easily.

Her tenth patient of the day with a Colles' fracture was an elderly woman, and Louisa was careful to check about a history of osteoporosis.

‘You know, you're the only one of my patients today who hasn't moaned about the ice,' she said as she examined Miss Castle's hand.

Miss Castle laughed. ‘My dear, I've lived through far worse winters than this. Nineteen forty-seven was a terrible winter, with snow on the ground for months, and the drifts were thirty feet deep.'

‘We certainly don't get snow like that nowadays,' Louisa agreed. ‘That must've been hard to live with.'

Miss Castle nodded. ‘Coming just after the end of the war—yes, it was tough. The power stations ran out of coal, so we had power cuts for five hours at a time. The gas pressure was so low that the light would go out and people had to be careful or they'd end up poisoned or with a huge explosion.'

Louisa thought of the last winter, and how only a few centimetres of snow had brought the country to a standstill. ‘Do you remember much of it?' she asked.

‘Oh, yes.' Miss Castle smiled. ‘Apart from having snow
feathers on the inside of the windows every morning, I remember we had to keep digging my father's car out of the snow—he was a GP. One day, it was so deep that we couldn't get the car out, so he borrowed the milkman's horse to see his patients. But the horse was used to his daily rounds and insisted on stopping and waiting at every place he normally stopped with the milkman!'

Louisa was charmed. Tyler would love that story, and so would Dominic. Maybe she'd tell them both that evening.

But then in the late afternoon Essie came in to see her, looking grim. ‘I need you in Resus—there's been a bad RTA,' she said. ‘A young lad's car slid on the ice and smashed into a tree. He seems fine, but the paramedics are bringing him in for a check over. The passenger, his dad, is in a bad way, though.'

‘I'll come straight through.'

Dominic came in with the trolley after the handover. ‘Eric Scott, aged 43. He was on the side where the car hit the tree, so he has multiple injuries—query spinal injury as well as the usual suspects from blunt trauma. No known allergies, not on any medication, and no medical conditions we need to be aware of. Not sure when he last ate, though.'

The anaesthetist was already on hand; once Eric Scott had been resuscitated, he'd be whisked up to surgery. Eric was laid flat, his neck stabilised with a rigid collar and tape.

The team swung into action to put him on oxygen, insert cannulas, get vital-signs measurements through a pulse oximeter and ECG and take blood samples. ‘I want a litre of Hartmann's run in, cross-match six units, and blood samples sent for FBC, Us and Es, and glucose,' Dominic said. ‘And I need someone to call Radiology and arrange
X-rays—I want lateral cervical spine, chest and anterior-posterior pelvis.'

Eric was still unconscious; his blood pressure was low and his respiration rate was high. ‘Looks like a thirty per cent blood loss—so I want a second litre of Hartmann's in after the first,' Dominic said.

Carefully Louisa cut through Eric's clothes to expose his chest so Dominic could examine him. ‘Can you note this, Louisa?' he asked as he listened to Eric's chest. ‘Sounds on both sides, might have cracked ribs but no sign of flail chest.' He glanced at the monitor. ‘His blood pressure should be rising by now—he's losing blood from somewhere.'

Louisa glanced at the ECG. ‘Dominic, he's in VF.' VF or ventricular fibrillation meant that electrical activity in the heart had become chaotic, so the lower pumping chambers of the heart were contracting rapidly and fluttering rather than beating. They needed to convert this back into a normal rhythm or they would lose their patient.

Dominic breathed out sharply. ‘We're not going to lose you, Eric. Hang on in there.' He glanced at the team. ‘Defib.'

He placed the gel pads and paddles in the correct position and checked the ECG. ‘Still VF,' he confirmed. ‘Charging at two hundred, stand clear—shocking now.' They waited ten seconds to see if the ECG trace changed.

‘Charging to two hundred again,' Dominic said, keeping the paddles on the gel pads. ‘And clear. Shocking now.'

Again, the ECG trace didn't change. ‘Trying three-sixty now, Charging, clear—shocking now.'

But still there was no change. Dominic gave Eric 1 mg of adrenalin. ‘CPR, Louisa, can you bag, please?'

She already had the equipment to hand. ‘Five compressions, one breath?' she asked.

After a minute of CPR, they did a cycle of shocking again; there was still no response.

‘I'm not going to lose you, I'm
not
going to lose you,' Dominic muttered.

They continued the cycles of CPR, adrenalin and shocking.

After twenty minutes, Louisa placed her hand on Dominic's arm. ‘His brain's been without oxygen for twenty minutes. He's gone,' she said gently. ‘You need to call it.'

‘No. One more cycle,' he said.

But it was hopeless.

‘Dominic. Call it,' Louisa said softly, ‘or I will.'

She could see the muscle flicker in his cheek.

‘Everyone else agreed?' he asked.

They nodded.

‘Time of…' Dominic's breath hitched. ‘Time of death, five thirty-two. Thank you for your help, everyone.' He swallowed hard. ‘I'd better go and see the family.'

He looked drained and miserable. And he'd let her lean on him when she'd needed propping up; it was time for her to return the favour. ‘I'll come with you,' she offered.

 

Dominic looked at her, and realised that she understood what was going through his head. That, since Oliver's accident, not being able to save a patient had always hit him harder. ‘Thank you,' he said quietly. ‘Just give me a second, can you?'

He lingered beside the body and put his hand on Eric Scott's shoulder. ‘I'm so sorry. I did my best, and it wasn't enough. God bless,' he whispered, and dragged in a breath before joining Louisa outside the doors to Resus.

‘His son's in the family room,' Louisa told him. ‘Ian Scott, aged eighteen.'

‘Eighteen? Poor kid.'

‘He's been checked over and he's fine.'

‘OK.' Dominic really, really hated this part of the job—where he took all the hope away from the relatives.

And it would be harder still for this family because there was nobody to blame, no stupid drunk-driver who'd been too arrogant and selfish to consider the lives of others before getting behind the wheel of a car. Just an accident on the ice, which nobody could have prevented.

He walked with her in silence to the family room. Eric Scott's wife wasn't there yet but his son was pacing up and down, looking anxious. As they walked into the room, hope filled his face. ‘Is Dad…?' He stopped abruptly as he saw their serious faces. ‘Oh, no. Please,
no
.'

‘Come and sit down, love,' Louisa said.

‘I'm so sorry, Ian,' Dominic told him. ‘We did everything we could, but your father had a heart attack and we couldn't get him back.'

‘No, he can't—not Dad.' Ian gave a sobbing breath. ‘He can't be dead. I haven't even got a scratch. How can Dad be…?'

‘That side of the car took the majority of the impact,' Dominic said gently.

‘But he can't be dead. He can't be. He
can't
.'

‘I'm sorry, love.' Louisa put her arm round him.

‘I killed Dad,' Ian said brokenly.

‘No, love, the accident killed him,' she reassured him.

‘The car—I couldn't do anything. It was sliding and I couldn't brake, couldn't do anything.' He dragged in a breath. ‘I wasn't driving fast, wasn't showing off. I just wanted to pick my dad up from work. It's his birthday.' The boy's face worked. ‘My tutorial tomorrow morning was cancelled so I knew I could come home and surprise him, say happy birthday in person instead of phoning him. I was going to take him and Mum out to dinner tonight. He
was so pleased to see me when he came out of the office. And now he's dead, and it's my fault, and… Oh, God, I wish I hadn't come home and I'd never, ever got behind the wheel of the car!' He collapsed into sobs on Louisa's shoulder.

Dominic crouched in front of Ian's chair and took the boy's hands between his. ‘Listen to me, Ian. It was an accident, and it could've happened to anyone. We see lots of people in here whose car has hit a patch of black ice and they've lost control. Even really experienced drivers struggle on ice, so it's not your fault and you're
not
to blame.'

‘How am I going to tell Mum?'

‘I'll be here with you,' Dominic said. ‘I'll help you tell her—but what you need to focus on is that your dad was unconscious, so he wasn't in any pain, and he loved you very much.'

‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?' Louisa asked gently.

‘No, there's just me.'

‘You and your mum still have each other and you'll get through this together,' Dominic said. ‘It's going to be tough and you're going to have bad days, but you'll get through this. You just have to keep remembering that this was an accident, one of those things that nobody has any control over.'

A few minutes later, Essie brought Mrs Scott in. She enveloped her son in her arms. ‘Ian, the hospital called me and said you were in an accident. Thank God you're all right.' Then she took in the fact that he was sobbing, Eric wasn't there, and Dominic and Louisa weren't smiling.

‘Eric?' Horror filled her face. ‘No.
No
.'

‘I'm sorry,' Dominic said softly. ‘He never regained
consciousness. We did our best to get him back but I'm sorry, we simply couldn't get his heart started again.'

While he comforted them, Louisa fetched some hot sweet tea and persuaded the Scotts to drink it—just as Dominic had made her drink the stuff after Tyler's accident, knowing that it really was the best thing for shock.

‘Can I see him?' Mrs Scott asked.

‘Of course you can,' Dominic said, and took her through to where Eric's body lay.

While she'd gone to sort out the tea, Louisa had asked Jess to make sure that Eric's body was covered with a blanket and his face had been washed, to make it easier for his wife and son to see him.

‘Take as much time as you need,' Dominic said gently.

‘I can get the hospital chaplain for you, if you like?' Louisa offered.

‘No, I just want to be alone with him— Oh, Eric.' A tear rolled down Mrs Scott's face as she stroked her husband's forehead. ‘How are we going to manage without you?'

‘I'll be in my office if you need me,' Dominic said. ‘Anything you need, just ask.' He mouthed to Louisa, ‘I'm going to sort out the paperwork.'

She could see the strain in the lines around his mouth. Whether he wanted to or not, he needed to talk about this—and she was about the only person who could do this. She'd call her mum and warn her that she'd be late, stay with the Scotts for a little longer, and then she'd tackle Dominic.

D
OMINIC
stared at the computer screen, not seeing any of the words written there. All he could see was Ian Scott's face, the shock and horror mingling there when he'd learned that his father was dead. The way he'd blamed himself for the accident.

A feeling Dominic knew well: one he'd lived with for more than two years. He too had been in an emergency room while someone he loved had been in Resus, wired up to monitors. Thankfully Oliver had been so fit that his body had been able to cope with the trauma and his heart hadn't given out. Dominic knew he was lucky that Oliver was still alive, but he also knew that his brother, despite the brave face he put on it, was in pain every single day—and it had taken months of hard work to get him to the point where he was now.

He was still brooding when there was a knock on his door. He lifted his head. ‘Louisa.'

‘Don't say a word. Just drink it.' She handed him a mug.

He took a sip of what he discovered was disgustingly sweet tea, and gagged. ‘Thank you for the thought, but this is—'

‘Disgusting, I know, but shut up and drink it,' she cut in. ‘Essie just told me you almost never lose a patient in
Resus and you take it twice as hard as everyone else. She doesn't know why, but I think I do, so just drink it.'

It was drink it or talk—so, despite the fact that he loathed the stuff, he drank the hot, sweet tea.

‘It's brought everything back to you, hasn't it?' she asked gently. ‘Being in Resus with your brother.'

There was no point in lying. ‘Yes.'

‘We see lots of people in here whose car has hit a patch of black ice and they've lost control. Even really experienced drivers struggle on ice.' She paused. ‘So you don't blame Ian for the accident.'

‘No, of course not. He's just a kid. He hadn't even been driving that long.'

‘Can you hear yourself?' she asked softly. ‘You could be talking about yourself. What happened with Oliver was an accident, too.'

‘An accident that should never have happened. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been trying to prove a point.'

‘But you don't know that, Dominic. Jousting's dangerous. It could've happened anyway.' She shook her head. ‘It's time you let go and stopped trying to be perfect.'

Perfect? She had to be kidding. He knew he was very, very far from perfect.

‘You're human. Are you going to beat yourself up for losing Mr Scott—even though he had multiple injuries and the senior consultant wouldn't have been able to save him either?'

‘I hardly ever lose a patient.'

‘I know you go above and beyond, Dominic. And I know why you do it—you're still trying to make up for what happened with your brother. But you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that nothing you do will ever be able to change the past. All you can do is move on and make the
future a better one. You're still crucifying yourself—and it's hurting those who love you as well as hurting you. It's time you moved on.'

Her words hit him on the raw, and he couldn't help lashing out. ‘You're a fine one to talk.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘The way you've been, this last couple of weeks. I know you're worried sick about Ty, so I've tried to give you some space, but you've been sticking up a brick wall between us. You're blaming yourself for the accident—you think it's your fault, and just because you asked me to stay over it's some kind of cosmic payback. That you have to decide between having your son or having a relationship.'

She didn't say a word: she just stared at him, looking stricken.

‘I know your ex was a self-centred bastard who didn't deserve you or his son, but that doesn't mean that all men are going to be the same. It doesn't mean that you can't lean on me in case I let you down, because I never would. I've tried to be there for you without pushing you too hard—and that's the only reason why I haven't kissed you properly since the accident—but you're not going to let me close again, are you?' He shook his head, suddenly really angry. ‘You've decided you know what's best for everyone. And you're not going to give anyone the chance to have a say in it, are you? You're playing God with everyone's emotions— Tyler's and mine as well as your own—and it's not fair.'

Her face went white. She didn't say a word, just walked out.

And what made it worse was that she didn't slam the door; she closed it quietly.

The anger within him died as fast as it had risen, and Dominic raked a hand through his hair. Hell, he'd really hurt her. He hadn't meant to do that; he'd just lashed out
because she'd caught him on the raw. And, although what he'd said to her was true, he could've found a more tactful way of saying it.

He needed to apologise. Now.

Quickly, he logged off the computer and went to find her, but she'd already left.

He called her mobile phone, and a recorded voice informed him that her phone was switched off.

Which meant she was probably driving; and he knew exactly where she was going. Home to her little boy.

He rang the stables. ‘Ric, I'm not going to make it tonight. Can Andy exercise Pegasus for me, please?'

‘Sure. Is something wrong? Anything I can do?'

‘Work,' Dominic lied. Something
was
wrong, but his best friend wouldn't be able to help with this one. This was something he needed to do himself. And he had no idea whether Louisa would even talk to him tonight, let alone open her heart and be honest with him—but he had to try.

It was too late for a florist to be open, so he went to supermarket and bought an armful of the nicest flowers he could find and then to the stationery superstore nearby and bought pencils and a sketchpad for Tyler. When he parked on the road near Louisa's house, he couldn't see her mother's car, so it meant that Gillian had gone home. Good. He liked Louisa's parents—a lot—but what he had to say was for Louisa's ears only.

He rang the doorbell and waited. Finally, she opened the door, and frowned when she saw him. ‘What are you doing here?'

‘Several things. You know I promised Tyler I'd call in and see him every day to play chess with him, and I don't break my promises.' He handed her the flowers. ‘And these are for you. An apology. I lashed out at you in the office
and it wasn't fair of me. What you said…you were right. I'm trying to be perfect and I'm trying to make up for what I did to Oliver—and I can't do either.'

She looked wary. ‘I didn't mean to be quite so harsh with you. And I'm sorry for walking out.'

‘I think it's time we talked,' he said softly. ‘Properly. And we need to be honest with each other.'

‘Have you eaten?'

He shrugged. ‘I'm not hungry.'

‘Mum made a huge batch of chilli. It's in the fridge; I can heat some through for you.'

‘No, you're fine.' He paused. ‘Can I see Tyler now, before he goes to sleep—and then we'll talk?'

‘OK.'

To his relief, she let him in. He spent a while playing chess with Tyler, talking to him about horses and admiring the pictures he'd drawn that day. And Tyler was delighted when Dominic gave him the sketchbook and pencils. ‘I'll draw you on Pegasus.'

‘I'd really like that,' Dominic said, meaning it.

‘When I'm better, can we go swimming again?' Tyler asked.

‘Sure we can.' Dominic smiled at him.

‘And can I go back to the stables?'

A good question: and one he knew Louisa had been avoiding. He couldn't make the decision for her: it simply wasn't his place. ‘You need to ask your mum that, not me,' he said gently. He stroked the fuzz of Tyler's hair, which had been shaved for the operation and was now starting to grow back. ‘Time to get some rest, sweetheart. I'll send your mum up to give you a kiss goodnight.'

‘Goodnight, Dominic.' Tyler hugged him. ‘Love you.'

All the air whooshed out of Dominic's lungs. He couldn't say a word; he just hugged the little boy tightly back.

This was what it felt like to be a father
.

He'd had no idea. No idea at all. It wasn't something he'd ever thought about, either before the accident, when he'd dated a string of gorgeous women, or afterwards, when he'd been too racked with guilt to think about anything else.

But now he knew. And it blew him away. This was something bigger than he'd ever felt in his life. That special feeling of knowing that you'd tackle any hurdle to make the child's life easier, no matter what it took; that you wanted to see him grow up into a man you'd be proud to call your friend. A fierce kind of protectiveness, mingled with fear and awe and wonder.

And then it really hit him.

He'd lay down his life for Tyler and Louisa.

And he wanted to be a family with them.

He wanted to be there for a whole string of firsts—Ty's first day at senior school, his first girlfriend, the day his exam results came through, his first driving lesson. All of it, the good and the bad—and even the tough times wouldn't be so tough because they'd be a family and they'd be there for each other.

Though whether Louisa would believe in him enough to let him do that was a whole different issue.

‘Love you, too,' he said when he could finally speak again. ‘Sleep tight.'

He found Louisa in the kitchen. ‘Tyler's about to go to sleep—I said I'd send you up to give him a kiss goodnight.'

‘OK. I'll go up now.'

Her eyes were huge with worry. About her son? Or about what he wanted to talk to her about? He cupped her face in his hands—and how good it felt to have her skin against his again. ‘You're panicking,' he said softly. ‘Don't. I'm not
going to rant and rave. But we do need to talk. How about I make us both a coffee while you're tucking Tyler in?'

‘Thanks. That'd be good.'

She returned to the kitchen just as he'd added milk to their coffee. ‘Are you sure about the chilli?'

This wasn't just her natural hospitality, he knew. It was an avoidance tactic. ‘I'm perfectly sure.' He looked at her. ‘All I want to do is hold you, Louisa.'

‘That's not a good idea.' She sat down at the kitchen table.

And he had a pretty good idea why: she was putting a physical barrier between them as well as a mental one. ‘So I was right. You
are
backing off from me.'

‘Tyler's still young. He needs stability in his life. I can't…' She shook her head and swallowed. ‘This is a mess.'

‘You're saying you dare not have a relationship in case it works out and he feels let down—as he was by his father?'

She closed her eyes. ‘That's part of it. Which sounds so cowardly.'

‘No, you're right to protect him—Tyler's only eight. He does need stability.' He paused. ‘But you and I—we agreed we'd keep what's happening between us to ourselves until we knew where this was taking us. So we're no threat to his stability.' He paused. ‘You said that was part of it. What's the rest?'

She dragged in a breath. ‘It sounds ridiculous.'

‘I can't read your mind,' he said softly. Though he had a pretty good idea what was haunting her.

‘Wanting you
and
Tyler. It's greedy. Wanting it all.'

‘No. It's perfectly normal. A child and a relationship.' He took a risk. ‘It's called being a family.'

She said nothing, and he couldn't read her expression
at all. OK. One of them was going to have to be brave and call it. Clearly it was going to be him. ‘Louisa, the accident happened. It has nothing to do with the fact that you asked me to stay over, that we were planning to make love together for the first time that night. It wasn't some kind of message to you saying that you had to give me up. It wasn't someone saying that you have to choose between us.' Had her husband given her that kind of ultimatum? Or had he simply rejected them both? Whatever, Louisa was clearly still hurting. ‘You don't have to choose between me and your son. I know you come as a package. And I happen to want both parts of that package—you
and
Tyler.'

She cupped her hands round her mug. ‘I don't know what to say.'

He could tell her what Tyler had said to him that evening, but he knew that would influence her decision. And he needed to know that she wanted him for himself, not just because her son had grown close to him. ‘If you've decided that seeing me is a mistake because now you've got to know me better you realise you don't like me, or you don't find me attractive enough to go to bed with me, then fair enough. I won't be particularly thrilled about it—because I like you and I most definitely want to go to bed with you—but I'll accept your decision and I'll try my hardest to treat you professionally at work and be polite and friendly at the stables.' He held her gaze. ‘But no other reason is good enough, Louisa. Be very clear about that.'

She dragged in a breath. ‘You're pushing me, Dominic.'

‘I know. And I'm going to keep pushing.' He wouldn't let her look away. ‘Louisa. I like you. More than like you. And I need to know how you feel about me.'

Panic flittered across her face. ‘This whole thing scares
me. Before the accident, I thought I wanted to take things between us further.'

‘That's what I wanted, too. So what's changed, apart from the accident?'

‘I…' She shook her head in apparent frustration. ‘I know what you just said, and logically I know you're right, but I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking that it was karma. That if I hadn't wanted you so much, it wouldn't have happened.'

‘That really isn't true.' He paused. ‘Though I get where you're coming from. I've spent two years believing that it was my fault that Oliver had the accident, because I really wanted to prove I was better than him at something. I went over and over in my mind what happened: was the way I jousted against him any different from the way I jousted against anyone else?'