A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (33 page)

Sprawled on the love seat, David stared at it in his hand. He’d had the whole thing, but it clearly wasn’t enough because he was awake and thinking again. After leaving Isaac, he hadn’t made it to the bus stop before the terror consumed him and he’d had to hide between two cars on a steep driveway, on his knees for a long time before his vision had cleared and he could stagger to the corner.

There was something terribly wrong with him. His father had died of a heart attack, and maybe he would too. But the thought had only led to more panic, so he’d forced it out of his mind.

Now his cheeks were tight with dried tears and his eyes puffy and probably red. He sniffed loudly and swiped his sleeve across his nose. It was dark in the garage, with only the light from the bathroom on, and he had no idea what time it was.

He tipped the bottle to his mouth, desperate for another drop, but there was nothing. With a strangled scream that tore at his throat, he threw it against the wall. Distantly, David noticed something, and he blinked at the drops of blood glistening on his hands and forearms.

With shaky fingers, he pulled the shards of glass free, barely feeling more than a pinch. Blood dripped from one of the cuts onto the couch cushion, and when he tried to clean it, he only succeeded in smearing the blood around.

I need to talk to Isaac. I need to explain. I need…

He closed his eyes, trembling. He’d ruined everything. He hadn’t wanted to let Isaac down, but he had. The fact that Isaac had seen Clark kiss and touch him made David sick with shame.

Then he was just plain sick, stumbling to the bathroom so he could heave into the toilet. Blood dripped down his wrist as he cupped his palms under the tap to gulp some water. He knew he should go home, but the thought made his empty stomach clench.

David fished his phone out of his pocket and jabbed the button, but it stayed dark. Dead battery again. Guilt washed over him. Was Isaac worried about him? What time was it? Would Aaron and Jen be worried too?
I’m selfish and weak. Just like I’ve always been
. Or maybe Isaac didn’t care that David hadn’t come home. After all, he’d said he wanted to be alone. David wouldn’t blame Isaac for never wanting to talk to him again.

Enough. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
.

When David opened the garage door, he blinked at the sunlight. It looked like morning. He shuffled down to the main street, stretching his neck, which was sore after spending the night hunched on the love seat. He needed a shower and fresh clothes. He needed to talk to Isaac and make things right. But at the thought, panic surged in him. He had to collect himself before he went home.

It was Sunday, although he wasn’t sure if it was a church Sunday in Zebulon or not. He’d lost track, and he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he’d prayed. The last time he’d been so far from God.

He hadn’t thought about where he was walking now, but he found himself outside Flanagan’s. Inside was warm and welcoming, and the smell of onions wafted on the air. David plodded to the seat at the far end of the bar. There were several other customers in the booths, but it was a quiet morning. He checked the clock and saw it wasn’t noon yet.

“Hey, David.” Gary glanced over his shoulder. When he turned to drop a coaster, his smile faded. “You don’t look so good, buddy.”

David managed to sit without toppling over. “Vodka tonic. Please.”

Gary watched him with a sympathetic gaze. “How about you have some water first, okay?” He filled a glass and placed it on the coaster. “Drink this, and I’ll be back in a minute.” He clapped a big hand on David’s shoulder.

The water was cool and refreshing, and David hadn’t realized how thirsty he was. But it wasn’t enough. If he wasn’t careful, the terrible fear and pain would hit him again. He needed to fill the hollow in his chest before it could. He thought of the words he’d heard on the news
. A pre-emptive strike
.

“You look a little worse for wear,” Gary said.

David blinked. He hadn’t heard him return. “I’m fine.”

Gary snorted. “Uh-huh.” He had a damp cloth in his hand, and a First Aid kit sat on the bar. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He took one of David’s hands and dabbed at the cuts.

For a big man, Gary was surprisingly gentle as he tended to David’s cuts. It felt nice to be cared for, and David didn’t have the energy to fight. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be.” Gary put a sticky bandage on the worst cut, and patted David’s arm. “There you go. All patched. So what happened? Did you get in a fight? Your face looks okay.”

“I broke a bottle. Speaking of which, I need a drink.”

“Sure, in a minute. Just tell me what happened first.” He refilled the water glass.

David automatically drank some more and wiped his mouth. “It was my fault.”

“Okay. Did something happen between you and Isaac?”

David was taken aback. “You remember his name?”

“Of course. Same name as my son. Besides, the few times you’ve been in here you’ve mentioned him a lot.”

“I have?”

Gary smiled. “Yep. You’re pretty nuts about him. Just in case you didn’t know.”

For a moment, David smiled, but then he remembered. “I ruined it. He wants to be alone.”

“Alone for good? Or temporarily?”

“I don’t know.”

Gary raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like you and Isaac have some talking to do. What did you fight about?”

His stomach roiled with the shame of it. David didn’t think he could say it out loud. “I…” He shook his head.

“It’s okay. Drink some more water. Did I tell you Julie made the dean’s list at Stanford? And get a load of this project she did for her biology class. I have pictures.” He fished his phone from his pocket.

David tried to focus on the photos, nodding as Gary talked. It was nice to just listen, and he breathed more easily. When Gary went to serve his other customers, David stared at his hands, tracing the edges of the bandage.

“Sorry about that,” Gary said as he returned. “How are you doing?”

“Maybe they’re right.” David hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

“Who?” Gary asked.

“I don’t know. Everyone. People. They said we were like high school sweethearts. Even though we didn’t go to high school. They said we’re too young to be together. That we would never last.”

“Hmm.
Everyone
said this?”

“Well, no. But some people, and they didn’t say it exactly, but that’s what they meant. But maybe they’re right. Sometimes I feel so lost here. At least in Zebulon I knew all the rules, even if I was breaking them. In the world it’s so different.”

Gary seemed to ponder this. “It’s true that this world can be a confusing place. Now about you and Isaac—what do
you
think? Because opinions are like assholes—we’ve all got one. Hell, I met Karen in our freshman year of college. We were babies, but I knew she was the one for me. And yeah, we broke up when we were seniors, and folks said we needed to explore and sow our wild oats. But you know what? I was miserable. I dated all the girls who would go out with me, and not one of them could compare to Karen. I begged her to take me back, and we’ve been together ever since.”

David took this in. “You don’t think it’s bad for me and Isaac to only ever be with each other?”

“Hell no. And anyone who says otherwise is full of it. Do
you
want to date other men?”

David didn’t have to think about it. “No.”

“Then there’s your answer. Who is anyone else to tell you what to do or how to feel?”

“But Isaac’s not even nineteen. What if he… Shouldn’t he get the chance to explore? Maybe he’ll even go to college. I don’t want him to be stuck with me. He deserves better than that.”

Gary leaned his forearms on the bar. “Did he say he feels stuck with you?”

David played back Isaac’s words. “No. But he could barely look at me.” He rubbed his face. How had everything gotten so messed up?

“How about some food. Burger and fries sound good?”

“I’m not hungry.” His belly clenched just at the thought.

“Humor me and have a few bites. It’s on the house. I’ll just put in the order. In the meantime…” He refilled David’s water glass. “Down the hatch.”

David swallowed obediently. “I’m sorry to be a bother. You must have work to do.”

Gary swept his arm out. “And as you can see, the place isn’t exactly hopping at the moment. The game doesn’t start until two. Besides, I have an in with the boss. There’s nothing else I need to do but stay right here and talk to my friend. Okay?”

“Am I really your friend?” David blurted. He winced at how pathetic he sounded.

“Of course you are. Hell, not many people will listen to me brag about my kids the way you do. Bartenders are supposed to be the listeners, but with you it goes both ways. I always look forward to seeing you.”

He didn’t know what to say. “Thank you.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry
.

“It’s a big transition moving away from a place so different and coming to the city. It’s a lot for anyone to handle, and it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed. It’s okay to need help, David. You don’t have to have all the answers.”

As Gary brought menus to new customers, David let the words sink in. He thought of sitting on June’s steps while she called for an ambulance, already knowing his life had changed. Knowing he was the only one left to take care of his family. Knowing he could never let them see who he really was. Knowing he could never
be
who he really was.

Yet he was here, thanks to Isaac. When Gary returned, David started talking. “I should have told him what I was thinking. I was afraid that if he knew how scared I am…” David peered deep inside the place he’d been trying to shut away. “He’s fitting in so well, and I was afraid he’d leave me behind.”

The words hung in the air with the low drone of the TV and the clatter of knives and forks at a table. Cars rumbled on the street as the door to Flanagan’s opened and closed.

“A lot of people would feel that way, David. You want to be on the same page, and sometimes people get ahead or fall behind without meaning to. But it’s still the same book.”

Somehow David felt lighter, as if the words had been stuck inside him. “I need to talk to him.”

“I think you’re right.”

A bell rang, and Gary disappeared. Staring straight ahead, David glimpsed himself in the mirror beyond the bottles. His eyes were bloodshot, his face pale and drawn, and his hair stood up. He probably smelled.

“Here you go. Get some lunch in you.” Gary put down the burger and fries. “Ketchup?”

David nodded, breathing in the grease. Now that it was in front of him he was starving. He took a big bite of his burger.

“How is it?” Gary refilled the glass of water and plopped in a few more ice cubes with a little scoop.

“Good,” he mumbled through his mouthful. For a minute, he just ate. Then he wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Thank you for everything.”

“You still want that drink?”

David considered it before smiling. “No. I don’t need it. I can do this.”

Gary grinned. “Good answer. You’re going to be just fine.”

For the first time in too long, David believed it.

The house was still. David closed the door behind him and toed off his sneakers. He may have looked awful, but he felt clear, like a fog had burned off in his mind the way it did in the city on summer days.

The not-so-little part of him that had been hoping Isaac would be waiting deflated
. What did I expect?
He gave his head a shake. Enough of feeling sorry for himself. It was time to talk to Isaac and fix things. Resolute, he turned and promptly knocked over the umbrella stand, sending it crashing to the tiles as umbrellas rolled toward the stairs. He righted the canister with a sigh. At least it wasn’t broken.

“Clark?” Jen called distantly.

David jumped, and then cleared his throat. “It’s David,” he shouted up the stairs. He hoped he hadn’t woken her with his clumsiness. He wondered why she was expecting Clark, and grimaced, hoping that if Clark was visiting it wouldn’t make things with Isaac worse.

After a moment of silence, he could hear the thumping of her steps. When she rounded the corner on the lower flight of stairs, he was surprised to see she wasn’t wearing her slippers. Her bare feet smacked on the wood, her bathrobe and long curls flying behind her. She launched at him when she reached the bottom.

“David! Thank God.” She gripped him in a breathless hug.

He stood motionless for a moment, arms at his side, before tentatively hugging her back. It felt so good to be held, and he closed his eyes, stooping to drop his forehead on her shoulder.

She rubbed his back. “We were so worried. Are you okay?”

David lifted his head and stepped away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
Is Isaac worried too?

“You didn’t come home last night!” She held David’s arms tightly and gave him a shake. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“The battery ran out.” He winced. “I’m sorry. It was selfish to be gone all night without calling.”