A DEATH TO DIE FOR (12 page)

A strange sight confronted me as I got ready to shower this morning, my skin had started to peel over most of the trunk of my body due to the many applications of steroid cream over the past few days and I was beginning to resemble a half plucked chicken, however the red blotches and blood blisters were now almost gone.

The second thing that I noticed when I looked in the mirror over the wash hand basin was that my ears were starting to stick out more than usual, at first I couldn’t think what might be the cause and then I remembered that a similar situation had occurred to me about fifteen years previously when I had gone through a divorce and then it dawned on me that much as had happened then I must have lost quite a bit of weight due to my only receiving sustenance from the NG food.

I thought well at least I won’t be so heavy for the pall bearers now.

Once I had got ready for the day I sat in the chair and while waiting for Helen to arrive I switched on the telly and plugged in my earphones thinking that I would see what if any of the history channels had to offer, I was pressing the buttons when the screen filled with a shot probably taken from a helicopter, of a massive fire with a huge plume of black smoke streaking across the countryside, it turned out that this was the aftermath of the Buncefield oil tank explosion and huge fire which had started the day before, I thought it funny that no-one had mentioned it.

The news reporter went on to say that luckily although several people had been taken to hospital there had been no casualties and that fire fighters were still on the scene trying to put the fire out.

I had previously been avoiding television news programmes due mainly to the fact that I didn’t want to get involved with a story that I may not get to see then end of, however as a qualified health and safety consultant this information triggered my innate desire for knowledge of why and how this disaster had occurred, so much to Helen’s surprise I was still glued to the TV when she arrived, in fact I didn’t really notice her until she had circled the bed and arrived at my side, Kate was also with her but she had stayed at the end of the bed.

Helen kissed me on the cheek I took off the headphones and flicked the switch to turn the TV off, I said that I hadn’t heard about the fire that had started yesterday to which she replied that neither had she until she got home last night when it was all over the TV news, Kate confirmed that it had happened in the early morning and a lot of nearby homes and businesses had been seriously damaged but no-one had been killed.

After taking off her coat Helen took a small pile of post from her bag which we opened and went through however there was nothing of significance that had to be dealt with and then while she stowed the dirty clothes that needed washing Kate assisted me with the flask of flavoured ice which today was blueberry.

It must have been about 11.00am when the solicitor arrived with my last will and testament which he needed me to sign, however he informed me that my signature needed to be witnessed by a notary or other suitable person and he suggested that the hospital office manager would have the necessary gravitas so he went off to locate them.

While he was away Helen and I had a look through the document he had brought, Kate said that she would leave us to it and she would go and get a cup of coffee.

It was a good twenty minutes or so before the solicitor returned unaccompanied, he said that he had managed to locate the Office Manager and although they were happy to act as a witness in these circumstance they had just been about to go to an important meeting and therefore they could not assist until the meeting was over in about an hours time. 

The solicitor not wanting a long wait at my bedside said that he had some other things he needed to and would pop back in an hour and get the document signed.

By this time Kate had returned and brought a cup of tea for Helen and while we were chatting there was a knock at the door and a senior member of my Masonic Lodge came into the room, after general introductions to Kate and Helen he said that as it was the new Masters Installation meeting tonight he thought that he would come along to see how I was holding up and was there anything that I needed so that he could report the matter back to the Brethren.

With all that had gone on over the past week I had almost forgotten that this big occasion was happening, I thanked him for his concern but said that apart from assisting Helen in the future there was nothing that was immediately pressing.

I explained that I would be going to the Birmingham hospital possibly tomorrow and therefore I would not expect anyone from the Lodge to drive such a distance to come and visit me there although they would be very welcome if they did particularly if it was to assist Helen with the driving.

Just before he left he asked me if there was anything I would particularly like to be said at the meal after the proceedings during the taking of the toast to absent Brethren, I thought for a minute and said that I couldn’t think of anything to say but that the one thing that I desired most but was unable to do was have a drink of water and that maybe in memory of me they might like to drink the toast with a glass of water rather than wine.

He said that he thought that it was a nice idea and was sure that the Brethren would be happy to do so.

An hour had just about passed and the solicitor returned, he said that he had checked on the whereabouts of the Office Manager on his way in but unfortunately the meeting had gone on longer than planned and that there would be a further wait until she could come to the room.

We waited, however it was difficult to make small talk about a will and so in between some pregnant pauses we discussed the weather, not that I had had much recent personal knowledge of it myself, some comment was made on how amazing it was that no-one had been killed in the explosion at the oil storage depot, Helen asked after the health of the solicitor’s wife and Kate answered questions from the solicitor on her life in New Zealand.

As we were searching for a new topic of conversation there was a knock at the door and a lady dressed in a smart suit carrying a file entered the room expressing apologies for the delay.

The solicitor having now waited for some time, sprang to his feet and moved the over bed table to a position where I could sign the document, he explained to us all the significance of what we were about to do.

After we nodded our understanding of the situation he produced a pen from his inside breast pocket, I signed first followed by the Office Manager and as quickly as that the whole of my worldly possessions were pledged to another.

The solicitor gathered up the document, placed it in his briefcase, I thanked him for his help, we shook hands and he lowered his eyes a little as he said goodbye to me, Helen and Kate who then both thanked him and he and the Office Manager left.

I thought well that’s another nail in the coffin completed.

Helen had tears in her eyes as she held my hand, Kate was also upset and said that she could do with hot drink, I said if she waited a minute or two the tea lady was due and I was sure that she would let them have a cup of tea.

Helen said that the tea lady had been a great friend to us over the last couple of weeks, it was her that had provided the cup tea for the abortive extreme tea drinking episode and she had called in twice a day every day except the weekends even though she knew that I was NIL BY MOUTH.

She always had a bright smile and kind word and if Helen was visiting at the time she would always offer her a cup of tea with a biscuit and having found out about the ice swallowing she would go out of her way to get a small paper covered block of ice cream for me from the kitchens, the type which as children we were given years ago with two flat wafers as an ice cream sandwich.

I said to Helen that I would really miss the tea lady in her brown gingham tabard when I moved hospitals, she replied that there were bound to be tea ladies at Birmingham hospital but I said that it wouldn’t be the same.

Before they left Helen said that she had a long standing appointment in the morning which she really ought to attend, however Jim had a day off college tomorrow so he would keep me company in the morning until she arrived, I said that would make a change but wondered if he would remember to bring in the flask of fruit ice.

Helen smiled and said that she would leave a stickit on the fridge door to remind him.

It must have been around 8.30ish, I was sat in the chair catching up on the latest information on the oil fire when there was a knock at the door and the consultant came into the room.

I was surprised to see him this late in the day so I pulled the off the earphones and pushed the TV to one side and he came and sat on the bed next to me.

He said that he had called in on his way back from the Birmingham hospital because he wanted to let me know himself that unfortunately at the management meeting it had been decided that my prognosis was such that it would not make sense to authorise a PET scan on the basis of cost against outcome.

At this late stage of my condition they felt that having one would not lead to any beneficial treatments that could extend my life expectancy.

My heart sank and my head dropped into my hand.

The consultant put his hand on my shoulder and assured me that he was not prepared to give up so easily and that he knew of a patient who was due to be discharged from the ward at Birmingham sometime tomorrow and that if I agreed he would send me there as he would be able to argue my case better if I was on site rather than here in Hereford.

He went on to say that I would need to be ready to move sometime in the early afternoon once the discharge was confirmed.

I felt in many ways that this was the worse case scenario for me, I already had misgivings of foregoing my private room for an open ward at a time when my condition would be deteriorating, there was also the fact that Helen probably would not be able to visit so frequently and a definite likelihood of me becoming incontinent as the nerve damaged increased.

All the horrors that this would hold for me if I was in an open ward stacked up as a huge negative against the slim positive that the PET scan may, just may, offer the hope of some treatment which could, if successful, allow me to spend some extra time with Helen albeit that it might be at the hospice.

I remembered what I had said to Andy back at the start of all this, so I lifted my head to face the consultant and said that I would place my trust in him, if he thought that there was even the slimmest chance that the PET scan could offer a better insight into the possibility of some treatment that might give me more time then I was prepared to make the move.

He said that I must understand that he couldn’t make any promises about the outcome but that nothing more could be done for me here.

I nodded my understanding of what he was saying and he said he would be able to let me know more in the morning.

After he had left I texted Helen to put her in the picture, she texted back that she was pleased at my decision and that she would see me before I left for Birmingham.

I went to bed with mixed feelings about what tomorrow might bring but strangely a bit happier that at least a decision had been made.

I hadn’t thought about the date until I looked at my watch as I put it on, I know for some people that the 13
^th
has an association with bad luck but having been a child born on the 13
^th
I had soon come to appreciate that nice things can happen such as having parties and receiving presents so I was quite relaxed about my move today in the hope that it too could lead to some happiness.

Jim arrived about 11.00am, pretty good for a teenager on a day off and what’s more he had brought some blueberry ice with him so things were already on an up when the consultant arrived.

He confirmed that this was ‘D’ day and that he was arranging for an ambulance to be available for the transfer between 2.00 and 2.30pm and that I would have to go straight away when they arrived so could I please make sure that everything was packed up and ready to go.

I assured him that I would be ready, he replied that he would not be able to see me until tomorrow at Birmingham because of his workload at Hereford today and wished me good luck for the journey.

I started to collect together my wash things and cards and under my direction Jim started to pack everything into a holdall that Helen had put out for him to bring in with him including carrier bags for any clothes that needed washing and then we sat and waited ……. and waited, it seemed like forever.

I was expecting Helen back by about 1.30ish so as time past and it was nearly ten to two I asked Jim to pop out to the car park and see if she was coming, after twenty minutes or so he returned without having had any success and I couldn’t phone her as she did not have hands free kit in the car.

The ambulance crew arrived and asked whether I was ready, I said that the wife had not returned yet and was there any chance that they could hang on a few minutes, they said only a few and took a wander down the corridor.

I asked Jim if he would go to the car park again and if he saw Mum to let her know that she needed to hurry, he returned quite quickly and said that there was still no sign of her and then the ambulance crew came back and said that they couldn’t wait any longer so we would have to get going.

I was surprised to see that they had brought the trolley with them from the back of the ambulance instead of a wheelchair and they said that the choice was made to avoid a transfer at the ambulance, they brought it into the room across the bottom of the bed.

I was dressed in my jumper, polo shirt and joggers and sporting a pair of trainers without socks the NG tube was tucked behind my left ear, they asked me to lay on the trolley and then adjusted some pillows behind my shoulders, wrapped me in a string vest blanket and strapped me in tightly.

The head of the trolley was lifted to about half way and I was allowed to keep my arms free to hold onto the holdall and a spit bowl in case I had a coughing fit caused by the change of air temperature as we went outside, they also placed a lightweight oxygen canister and mask on the foot of the trolley.

As all this was going on Jim anxiously walked up to the corner of the corridor and back to see if Helen was coming but there was still no sign of her.

The ambulance crew apologised but said that they could not wait any longer and that we would have to make a move so this small travelling carnival with Jim following, wheeled it’s way passed the nurses station and out into the main corridor to the lifts.

At ground floor level we detoured via the A&E department and through the doors to the ambulance bay which was adjacent to the car park.

Just as I was about to be loaded into the back of the ambulance I heard a screech of brakes, Helen’s silver Suzuki four by four had come to a shuddering halt as close as she could get within the perimeter of the car park and from around the side of the ambulance I could see her jump out of the car and run in our direction leaving the drivers door wide open.

She shouted in a loud voice for them to wait and Jim asked the ambulance crew if they could hold on as she was my wife, they stopped the trolley and as Helen caught up to the ambulance she asked Jim to go and look after the car.

Looking at me and then at the crew she thanked them for waiting but they said she needed to be quick with her goodbyes as they had to get under way.

Helen was close to tears by now at nearly missing my departure, I held her with my right arm as she struggled to embrace me across the holdall of clothes, the crew said that she was not allowed to come with me in the back of the ambulance so she said that she would follow us to Birmingham.

At first I said to Helen that it would be getting late by the time we got to Birmingham and I was booked in and sorted out so it would probably be better if she visited the hospital tomorrow in the day time but she insisted that she needed to see me safely settled in at Birmingham otherwise she would be too worried to sleep.

So it was quickly agreed she would take Jim home now, get herself something to eat and then use my Volvo saloon to travel the long distance to Birmingham and back at night on the understanding that Jim accompanied her on the journey.

All agreed I kissed her on the forehead and she stood back so that the ambulance crew could finally load me on board and she waved and blew me a kiss as the rear door closed.

Once on board and locked into place one of the crew made themselves busy attaching me to a blood pressure monitor and making me comfortable on the trolley for the journey while the other jumped into the cab and started the engine.

We moved at a slow pace out of the car park and into the traffic on the main road leading out of Hereford, from where I was positioned with the back of the trolley raised I was able to see out of the side window of the ambulance.

I could make out retail stores, side roads, pedestrians on the pavements and other vehicles going by and realised that this could well be the last time that I would see such things as this was likely to be the last cognitive road journey I would be making.

The thing about Hereford is that it’s not a big city and it was not long before the view from the window changed from a suburban landscape to rolling countryside and with the afternoon sun behind us I could see things clearly.

I tried to take it all in for one last time and as we turned slightly south over the brow of a hill I could actually see the sun big and round just above the horizon and for a moment I stared straight at it with my eyes wide open almost willing it’s life giving rays to shine in through my eyes down my optic nerves and burn out this thing growing inside me.

The ambulance crested the hill and the sun disappeared from view, I closed my eyes tightly and I could still see two retained images of swirling bright circles in varying shades of green, orange and white just hovering in front of me and I kept them shut until the mirages dissolved into the backs of my eyelids.

The sun started to set and the light gradually faded, the passing scenery became more like shadows than solid things and then the lights inside the ambulance were switched on and suddenly everything outside looked black and in the window all I could see was the reflected mirror image of the interior fittings and the ghostly face of the crew member.

With the darkness came the feeling of being shut in rather than seeing out and so I lay back, the attending crew member asked it I was alright and I nodded, I had already made him aware of my difficulty with speaking and so there was very limited conversation between us.

The journey proceeded at a reasonable pace, the crew chatted to each other and I would occasionally see lights on farm buildings, sometimes street lights at roundabouts or headlights of passing vehicles and then eventually after an hour or so we reached the motorway.

It was now rush hour and the traffic on the motorway was virtually at a standstill with progress at a snails pace.

The darkness made it feel cold so I signalled that I was feeling chilly and the crew member covered me with another blanket, whether it was the dust from unfolding the blanket or some other reason I don’t know but I started to have a coughing fit which brought attentive concern.

My mouth felt very dry and with my tongue wagging around like a dry stick I croaked could I have a drink of water, I was surprised to be told that ambulances did not carry drinking water, the only thing they had on board if I wanted a drink was some small ampoules of sterile eyewash water.

I said that anything would do so he opened a draw and dug out a small plastic vial and broke off the snib and handed it to me, I gently squeezed about half of the water into my mouth being careful not to swallow for fear of another coughing fit.

I let the water sit as a small puddle in the bottom of my mouth and allowed my tongue wallow in it, gradually it seemed to rehydrate and became more pliable while the water dissipated.

I did not use the second half of the water and dropped the vial into the spit bowl on my lap.

Although I couldn’t understand everything that was being said by the crew to each other because of the noise of the engine I could tell from their tone that they were disappointed at the lack of progress, I managed to glean from their conversation that they were due to be going to the [works] Christmas party tonight but with the traffic as it was they were unlikely to get back in time. 

The general weakness that I felt from my condition was starting to make the journey very tiring  so I asked the attending crew member how much longer it would be before we reached the hospital, he moved forward and asked the driver who shouted over his shoulder that it would be another hour at least possibly an hour and a half with the traffic like this.

I said in a broken whisper it was a pity that we could not switch the blue lights on and get through the traffic, I was told that I would have to have taken a turn for the worse before that would happen.

I said how much worse, they said if my blood pressure fell or I could not maintain my body temperature or I had chest pains or something similar, I croaked that I was starting to feel cold and my throat problem was causing me to cough a lot more and on the plus side if we got to Birmingham quicker it might mean that they would be able get back in time for their Christmas celebrations.

They considered this for a short period and then decision made the driver radioed the dispatch centre saying that in their opinion my condition had deteriorated, he said that I was complaining of being cold and was having coughing fits, I managed to provide a suitably convincing backing track at this point and after a short period of consultation off air, a voice came back over the speaker giving the driver permission to proceed with blues and twos.

I could see the flashing blue lights come on as they were reflected in the side of a large white lorry at the side of us, then as the two tone horns started to wail the traffic moved forward slightly enabling the driver to pull the ambulance into the emergency lane and within a short distance we had taken the slip road off to a roundabout.

Speedy progress was restored once more and I thought that if this was going to be the last journey I would know after all the hundreds of thousands of miles I had driven in my lifetime then it should at least be fun if not enjoyable and even if I was not going to be able to spend Christmas with my family and friends then at least these guys could be at the ‘works’ do with their mates.

And so it was after about half an hour or so we pulled up to the front of the Birmingham hospital and the driver left the cab and went into the main entrance.

From the ambulance window I could see a huge brightly lit glass fronted edifice which formed the first part of the massive rebuilding project for the whole hospital, I had previously seen news footage of the progress of the hospital regeneration on the TV but this was the first time that seen it in the flesh so to speak.

The attending crew member asked me whether I felt with his assistance that I would be able to disembark from the ambulance rather than use the trolley, I confirmed that I was sure that I could and so he took off the top blanket, folded and stowed it and then undid the straps that had been holding me for the past couple of hours or so.

I suddenly had a sense of freedom and although a little wobbly as I stood up I was able to stretch my legs and I felt sure that I could manage the few steps necessary.

The remaining blanket was draped over my shoulders and I sat back on the edge of the trolley and waited for what seemed quite a while.

Eventually there was a knock on the rear door of the ambulance which when opened revealed that the driver had returned with a wheelchair, his colleague asked what had taken so long, he said with a shrug of the shoulders that there had been some confusion at the admissions desk as they were not expecting me.