A Dream for Hannah (36 page)

Rows and rows of tables were set up in the pole barn. They were covered with white paper tablecloths and matching silverware, all set out in marvelous perfection. Betty had arrived by Greyhound on Monday. Steve was unable to come, but Betty said she would not have missed this for the world because she had a hand, of sorts, in the matter.

Relatives came in from the neighboring states, most arriving the day prior and were put up in whatever homes were available. Kathy had people in every room of the house, stacked in it seemed, but at least all had some place to sleep.

Laura insisted that their entire upstairs be kept empty out of respect for the soon-to-be couple who were planning to spend their first night together there as well as the weeks ahead.

Bishop Knepp from Holmes County would preside over the ceremony. He was more than just an uncle to the family. Apparently he was also someone who was pretty important. Although the exact reason had never been made entirely clear, Hannah accepted that and understood an important bishop must be respected—whoever he was.

At nine sharp they all filed in to take their seats. Hannah and Sam sat up front, very prim and proper in their starched wedding outfits. Sam wore a brand new black suit Laura had ordered from a top seamstress who lived in the Goshen area.

It was when the men filed in that Hannah felt a stab of pain in her heart. Where it came from, she couldn’t understand. But it was suddenly there, just out of the blue and with the force of a hurricane. Terror gripped her.
After all this waiting and all this pain, what if this is the wrong thing to do?

Stop,
dummkopf,
you can’t doubt this now.
Although Hannah told herself this firmly, she was sure her face grew white against the blue wedding dress. She glanced at Sam although she knew it wasn’t proper. Amish brides-to-be were supposed to keep their eyes on the floor. But Hannah had to know if Sam noticed her sudden distress.

Sam hadn’t noticed. He seemed wrapped up in his own world, his eyes gazing calmly in the minister’s direction as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

If he’s okay, I’m okay,
Hannah told herself and calmed down a bit.

The singing started, and with it her breathing fully returned to normal. Sam and Hannah then followed the ministers upstairs to receive their final instructions. Hannah managed that without embarrassment and then followed Sam quietly back downstairs when the instruction time was over.

Ten minutes later the ministers themselves came back down, and the preaching started. What then seemed like only ten minutes later—although she knew it was more like at least an hour and a half—she heard the voice of Bishop Knepp faintly reach her.

The moment had arrived.

“If these, our beloved brother and sister, still desire to be united in holy matrimony, would they rise to their feet.”

Hannah rose after Sam had stood up. It was then that the hurricane returned in full force. Her heart pounded so hard she was sure others could hear, but even so, she knew the ceremony must go on.

Bishop Knepp turned to Sam and asked him, “Do you confess before God and the church that this, our beloved sister Hannah, is given to you in marriage by the will of God?”

Sam answered in a loud and clear voice, “Yes.”

Bishop Knepp turned to Hannah, his hand already prepared to reach out and join the two of theirs together. “Do you confess before God and the church that this, our beloved brother Sam, is given to you in marriage by the will of God?”

Hannah couldn’t have gotten a sound out if she had tried, and she didn’t try.

By the will of God?
Horror flooded her.
What am I doing?
In desperation she reached for sanity and resolution but found none. The air seemed empty around her as if there wasn’t enough to fill the words let alone her lungs.

Bishop Knepp looked at her, a kind expression on his face. No doubt he had seen fright-stricken Amish brides before and was sympathetic to her plight. It crossed Hannah’s mind that all she had to do was nod, and Bishop Knepp would accept it.

Instead, to her own surprise, she shook her head.

“Die schwester sagt nein?”
the Bishop asked out loud in sheer astonishment.

Hannah nodded and replied with surprising clarity. “Yes, the sister says no.”

She suddenly knew.

Bishop Knepp seemed rooted to his spot. Clearly this was out of the routine. Finally he simply motioned to Sam to seat himself and signaled for the service to proceed. The song leader led out in the final hymn. All around her Hannah could see people looking at each other with shock in their eyes. She had embarrassed not only herself but her whole family. She looked at Sam, seated at her side, his mouth closed and eyes dazed.

Truly she was the community
dummkopf
now.

Thirty-two

Hannah felt the song end more than she heard it. The congregation around her was obviously uncertain as to what to do when the last notes of the song died away. Hannah could have burst out in sobs right then and there, but it wouldn’t do to lose control in public. What was going to happen next, she had no idea.

In front of her, someone shuffled their feet, and a man cleared his throat. Hannah hardly dared look when she heard the voice of her father. “The meal is already prepared and will proceed as normal,” he said simply and sat down.

Apparently that was all the direction that was needed. A frightened bride might have ruined her wedding day, but they would all discuss that later. Food was prepared and must be eaten. That much could easily be understood and followed.

One problem remained. The bridal party was to lead the way. Custom was ingrained deeply, and Sam didn’t move, his face tight and turned toward the floor. Neither did anyone else make that first move.

Hannah dared not move a muscle. Sheer numbness had overtaken her body. She was now much more than a
dummkopf
in
the eyes of everyone. She was likely a mental case in everyone’s mind. The pity and compassion could almost be felt.

Kathy solved the problem when she rose to her feet. Hannah could have cried with relief, but she withheld even that emotion. Even though her mom might rebuke her, Kathy was still her mother. Kathy walked to the front and stood where everyone could see her—where the bridal party was seated. She placed her hand on Hannah’s shoulder and shook it gently.

Hannah lifted her head slightly, and Kathy motioned for her to come. She took Hannah by the hand and led her into the kitchen. From there they walked into the small sewing room off to the side. No one followed except Betty, but the problem was now solved. Hannah could hear people getting to their feet.

Hannah thought about Sam and how he must feel. She didn’t notice him as she and her mother and Betty made their way past the food and into the bathroom for some privacy. Later someone would tell her that he had gone straight to the barn, found his horse, and, with the help of several of the sympathetic younger boys, was on his way by the time the yard began to fill with people. None of the adults stared as he drove out the lane. A man must be given his privacy, even in public, for his time of grief.

In the bathroom, Hannah had dissolved into uncontrollable sobs. Lest her cries extend beyond the door, Kathy pressed one of the towels against Hannah’s face. Betty stood there helplessly, quietly repeating,
“Oh, Gott im Himmel. Oh, Gott im Himmel, helfen Sie uns.”

Hannah sensed Kathy and Betty looking at each other and wondering how they could take her home. Her outburst couldn’t be hidden for long. Hannah wished she could stop sobbing, but she simply couldn’t. She didn’t know how they would get her out of the house without a scene, and at the moment, she no longer cared.

“Tell Roy to get the buggy,” Kathy whispered to Betty. “Have him pull it up to the end of the walks.”

Betty whispered something and then was gone, the door pulled gently shut behind her. In the long moments of silence that followed, Kathy simply held Hannah tightly as the hurricane inside had its way. Then Hannah heard the door open behind them.

“I told Roy to bring the buggy around,” Betty whispered, “but he said he’s not leaving because there are people who must be taken care of.”

“Then I’ll go talk to him,” Kathy said. “You stay with her.”

“I wasn’t finished,” Betty whispered, obviously out of breath. “I told him there were others around who could help. Quite a few have volunteered. Someone’s bringing up the buggy now.”

“What about the food and managing the meal?” Kathy asked.

“There are plenty of cooks around,” Betty told her. “They can manage.”

“I guess so.” Kathy’s hands gripped Hannah’s shoulders.

“Roy wanted to know what’s wrong with Hannah. I told him I didn’t know.”

“We’ll talk to her later,” Kathy whispered as if Hannah wasn’t there, “when we get home.”

“He said he may do more than that,” Betty said. “He said the whole family has been embarrassed in front of everyone. No one can hide this.”

“I know,” Kathy whispered back, “but we’ll talk about that later.”

“The buggy’s here.” Betty moved to help with the despondent girl.

Kathy and Betty lifted Hannah together and took her out the door. Hannah kept her eyes on the floor as the circle of women parted to let them through. Outside she felt as if everyone in the whole yard was staring at her. People turned and looked, and a low astonished murmur swept through the crowd. Kathy and Betty said nothing as they stepped quickly down the sidewalk.

“Up we go,” Betty whispered as they helped Hannah inside the buggy.

“You drive,” Kathy said as Betty climbed in the other side.

“I’ll take it from here,” she told Roy, who held the horse’s bridle. He simply nodded and stepped aside. Betty drove out the driveway and onto the blacktop. Hannah broke out into fresh sobs of sorrow.

When they arrived home, Kathy marched Hannah into the house while Betty tied the horse. Hannah felt herself set down hard on the couch, but her mom said nothing, waiting for Betty to come in. Hannah wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

A few moments later, Betty quietly came in through the front door and took a seat on the rocker.

“So what are you trying to prove?” Kathy stood in front of Hannah, her arms on her hips. “That was quite a show to put on for nothing. Now your father has all that wedding to pay for, and you’re not even married.”

Hannah felt fresh tears fill her eyes. She tried hard to gather her thoughts together. “You wanted me to marry him, and…I just couldn’t,” she said numbly.

“Wanted you to marry him?” Kathy was incredulous. “What has that got to do with it?”

“After Peter I wanted to be a good girl,” Hannah muttered.

Kathy was still. “Hannah, I never said I wanted you to marry Sam. Where did that come from? You said you were making up your own mind. I told you to do
that.”

“Betty said you did.” Hannah nodded toward her aunt.

“Betty did?” Kathy waited. “Betty told you I wanted you to marry Sam?”

“Yes,” Hannah said, “she did.”

“It’s still your own fault,” Kathy said. “It was your choice.”

“I know,” Hannah wailed.

Betty spoke up. “I did assume you wanted Hannah to marry Sam, Kathy. I kind of put two and two together and thought that was why you sent her out there to be with me. I figured she was trying to get away from Sam, and you wanted her to be with him. Wasn’t that why he wrote right after she arrived in Montana? Your letter said you gave him Hannah’s address.”

Kathy took a deep breath and sat on the couch. “Maybe you had better start at the beginning and tell me everything.”

So Betty did. She started with the day Hannah arrived and finished when she chased Jake off with the revelation that Hannah was writing to Sam.

Hannah listened with as much interest as her mother.

“Now it’s your turn,” Betty said to Kathy. “What was really going on?”

“I guess it is,” Kathy said. “What a mess. I just wish we had done this sooner.”

“I’m waiting,” Betty said, looking impatient. “You made me tell everything.”