A Family Man (3 page)

FIVE

Joe sat on the doorstep trying to figure out how he was going to tell them he was leaving. He had tried, really tried. They both had. Coming home and finding Maria stoned out of her mind with a stranger in her bed had been a wake-up call. He couldn't keep disappearing from her life anymore.

Amy too, was clearly suffering. She had been clingy and needy in the weeks following his homecoming. Actually crying whenever he had to go to Bay View for a few days.

He had managed to keep a lid on his temper. Maria was vulnerable, more fragile than he'd ever seen her. Yelling at her for fucking someone when he was away would be counter-productive and, given his own behavior, hypocritical.

For nearly six months he had managed to split his time between Fillmore, Bay View and Vegas, ensuring he got to spend as much time as he could with them, and for the first few weeks it had looked like things might actually work out for them. Maria had managed to clean up her act, and they'd kept the fights to a minimum. They'd even had a proper Christmas with a tree, and Amy had a stocking full of gifts from Santa.

Sophia had been delighted. While she made no secret that she still believed that Beth would be better for her son, at least he was showing signs of settling down, and Maria appeared to be staying clean. As time went on, though, the cracks had started to show.

He rested his head in his hands. Who was he kidding? He wasn't cut out for playing happy families, and Maria wasn't cut out to be an old lady. He had loved her for over twenty years, but he was beginning to realize that he didn't actually like her very much. He shut his eyes. He didn't think she liked him very much, either. They clashed over pretty much everything, from what to watch on TV to how much time he spent with the club. The only time things were good between them was when they were fucking or when Amy was around.

Shit. Amy. How was he going to tell her? He stood and walked back into the house. "Maria?"

"In here."

Maria sat on the bed hugging her knees. It hadn't been a big fight, just him bitching about the state of the place and her getting all defensive. Somehow, though, she knew that this was the final straw. It was getting to the point where they couldn't even be in the same room as each other. She sniffed and roughly brushed away a tear. All her fucking life, this was what she had wanted. And now she had it, she couldn't be more miserable.

While it was true that Joe being around had helped her stay clean and she was definitely a better mommy to Amy, there wasn't a day went by that she didn't want a drink, or to get high. The only thing that stopped her was the fact that Joe would kick her ass if she fell off the wagon.

She looked up as he walked into the room. "You're leaving." A statement, not a question.

Joe shrugged and sat on the bed. "I'm sorry, M." He reached out and pulled her to him. "It ain't that I don't love you. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this."

"I know." She rested her head on his shoulder. "What about Amy?"

"I dunno." He ran his hand across his forehead. "I wanna be in her life."

"Never any question, Joe. And me? You wanna be in mine?"

He kissed her softly. "Never been able to stay away before." He chuckled. "I guess the expression can't live with ya, can't live without ya, was made for us."

"What you going to tell her?"

"The truth."

"And what's that?"

"That if we stay together we're gonna be fighting all the time. That I love her an' I'll always be there for her."

Maria smiled and stroked his cheek. "I love you so much, Joe. Why can't this be easy?"

"Cuz you're an unstable junkie an' I'm an emotionless asshole."

"Yeah, that could be it." She gasped as his mouth came crashing down on hers. There could be no denying it, no one did fucked-up relationships quite like Joe and Maria.

Amy grinned as she skipped to the school gates. Joe hardly ever came to pick her up. "Joe!" She squealed as he picked her up and blew raspberries in her ear. "Stop it, Uncle Joe."

Joe laughed and threw her over his shoulder and marched to Maria's car. "So, sugar. You wanna get a burger?"

Amy nodded and climbed into the little car. "Help me buckle up, Joe." As he helped her, she sighed. "Are you going away again?"

"Yeah. How'd you know that?"

"You always buy me a Happy Meal if you're going away."

"Smart girl."

"Well, I am nearly six. You will be here for my birthday, won't you?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Joe?"

"Yes, sugar?"

"Are you coming back?"

"I'll come back to see you. But I won't be staying anymore."

"Is it cuz I was naughty an' didn't put my toys away?"

Shit. “No, sugar. Me an' your mommy. We gonna start yelling at each other again if I stay."

"Okay. Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love me?"

"More than anything in the world."

“
Joe.”

"Yeah?"

"Can I have ice cream, too?"

"Sure."

She was subdued as she ate her Happy Meal in silence, her eyes downcast. Joe felt like a complete shit. "Amy, sugar. I ain't leaving cuz of you."

"I know."

"Talk to me, Amy."

"What if mommy gets sad again?"

"I'll still be around, to keep my eye on you both."

"Joe?"

"Yes, sugar?"

"What if you find another little girl an' you love her more than me?"

"That is never going to happen."

"That's what Jenny's dad said, an' then he got a new girlfriend an' she had a baby an' he loved her more an' he don't go to see Jenny anymore." She looked at him with huge eyes, glassy with unshed tears.

"I promise, you will always be my number one girl."

She nodded but looked unconvinced. "Okay."

For the rest of the evening, she wouldn't let him out of her sight and insisted that he stayed with her until she fell asleep. By the time he came downstairs, he was mentally exhausted. "Maria, I'm going round to ma's, I won't be long." Maria nodded and watched him leave. He thought telling Amy was tough. That was nothing. Sophia was going to flip.

Sophia did, indeed, flip. "What do you mean you're leaving? What about Amy and Maria? They need you, Joe."

"I tried, Ma."

"Ha! Tried? That's a joke. You haven't tried. I'm not blind, I know you and Maria are struggling. But maybe if you were around more. Stop putting that stupid club of yours first all the time."

"This has nothing to do with the club."

"It has everything to do with the club."

"Maria knows the score."

"No, Joe. She knows you disappear for days on end. That there's a good chance that you could end up dead or in jail. She knows that you can't keep your dick in your pants. Do you really think she's going to be okay with that?" She stood and poked him in his chest. "Does it ever occur to you that she wouldn't be so screwed up if you spent more time concentrating on her and less time doing shit for the club?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't I? Okay then. What about Amy? Have you thought about what you leaving is going to do to her?"

"I'll always be there for her. I always have."

"I hardly call turning up once in a blue moon, with candy and a bedtime story, being there for her. What happens when Maria loses it again? I'm not getting any younger, I can't keep picking up the pieces. You need to man up and be a proper father to her."

"I ain’t her father."

"It might not be your blood that runs through her veins, but you're the only father she's got. You're letting her down. Just like your father let you down."

"I am nothing like that piece of shit."

"You keep telling yourself that, Joe."

"I love Amy. I'd never hurt her."

"And what do you think you're doing now?" She sat down. "Just go, Joe. Right now, I can't stand to look at you."

Joe watched Amy as she slept, trying to swallow the guilt that lodged in his chest. His ma was right, he was going to hurt her.

He was a deadbeat just like his dad.

SIX

Joe marched through the hospital corridor, the sound of his boots only marginally louder than the beating of his heart. This was what his mother had warned him about. He turned the corner and came face to face with Beth feeding coins into a coffee machine. "Shit. Joe!" Coffee forgotten, she threw herself into his arms.

Wrapping his arms around her, he held her close as she sobbed into his chest. "I got ya, girl."

"I'm sorry, Joe. I was determined not to fall apart."

"He held her at arm’s length. You don't have to be strong all the time, Beth." Leading her back to the waiting room, he sat her down. "How is she?"

She shrugged. "Looks like they got to her in time. She's not awake yet, but she should make a full recovery."

Joe sat down. "This is my fault, I should've been there. Ma warned me this would happen if I bailed."

Beth shrugged. "Did you sell her that smack? Did you put that needle in her arm?"

"No, but…”

"Then this isn't your fault."

"Where's Amy?"

"With your mom. Poor kid, it was her that found her."

"Shit. Fucking Maria." He rested his forearms on his knees and stared at the floor. "I'm sorry, Beth."

"Why should you be sorry? I told you it isn't your fault." She gave a small smile. "She's still got you all twisted up hasn't she?"

He shrugged. "Never been a time when she hasn't. When you called, I thought…”

Beth slipped her hand in his. "She'll be fine."

"And Amy?"

"Right now she's in bits, but she'll get over it. Kids are pretty resilient, I should know."

"You think I should go and see her?"

"I think she needs you more than Maria does. It's okay, I'll stay here. I'll call you when she wakes up."

He nodded and headed back out to his bike.

"Joe!" As soon as she heard the familiar sound of his bike, Amy was running to the front door. She knew he'd come. Nana Sophie had warned her that he might not. But she'd known Joe wouldn't let her down. Nana Sophie looked up from her knitting but didn't tell her off for opening the front door like she usually did. Amy wondered if she was still mad at Joe. She hoped not. Joe loved Nana Sophie and if she stayed mad at him he might not come home anymore.

Running down the garden path she threw herself at Joe, before he'd even had the chance to take off his helmet. "Joe! I knew you'd come."

He picked her up, and she hugged him tightly around his neck. "Nana Sophie said you wouldn't come. But I knew you would." She sniffed. "Mommy's real sick. I couldn't make her wake up. They put her in an ambulance. Is she gonna die, Joe?"

"Hey, hey. Mommy's going to be fine. As soon as she wakes up, I'll take you to see her." Joe managed to remove his helmet. "How 'bout we go in and see if Nana Sophie is talking to me."

"Okay. Joe?"

"Yes, sugar?"

"Is Nana Sophie mad cuz you went away?"

"Yeah, but she'll get over it."

"You said mommy wouldn't get sad, but she did. And then Nana Sophie got mad an' said it was your fault."

"I'm sorry, sugar. I should have been taking care of her. I won't let it happen again."

Sophia looked up as they walked back into the house. "Well, well, look what the cat dragged in."

"Not now, Ma."

She shook her head and stood up. "Are you hungry? Amy and me were going to have pizza."

"Pizza sounds good." He sat on the sofa with Amy on his lap, her arms still wrapped tightly around his neck.

He looked at his mom, and she gave a tiny shake of her head. Amy really wasn't okay. "Amy. Look at me." She turned her head slightly but refused to relinquish her death grip on his neck. "Amy. Your mommy really is going to be fine."

"Okay." Her voice was tiny. "She was all white, Joe. And I shouted and shouted but she wouldn't open her eyes. And I got scared and came and got Nana Sophie."

"You did real good, sugar."

He felt her relax her grip and he shifted so they could both be more comfortable. "Joe?"

"Yes, sugar."

"If Mommy dies, where will I go?"

"She ain't gonna die, I told you."

"I know, but…”

"I'll take care of you."

"Okay."

Normally Amy loved pizza nights at Nana Sophie's. But this time she didn't eat, she just sat, staring at her plate, pulling the pizza apart with her fingers. Joe and Sophia exchanged a look. He stood and held out his hand. "C'mon, sugar. How about I take you to bed."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course."

It was over an hour before she fell asleep. Joe finally disentangled himself and went downstairs to face the wrath of his mother.

As soon as he entered the living room, she turned on him. "This is on you, Joe. You knew how fragile Maria was. You promised her and that little girl up there that you'd still be around, so where were you? It's been over three months."

"I know, I'm sorry. I was needed in Seattle."

"Oh, you were needed by that precious club of yours. Well, obviously that has to take precedence over the woman you claim to love and her six-year-old daughter."

"If you're trying to make me feel guilty, don't bother. I already feel like a complete shit."

"Good."

Joe walked to the kitchen and pulled a beer from the fridge. "I dunno what I'm supposed to do here, Ma."

"Take care of those you love."

"I'm trying. You really don't get it, do you? The club is my family too. Even if I patched to a single chapter, settled in one place, and I made her my old lady, Maria would still be the way she is. At least as a nomad I can earn more, send you and her money."

"I don't need your dirty money."

"Bullshit! You know where it comes from but you always have your fucking hand out. And Maria, who do you think pays her bills, her medical insurance?"

"And you couldn't do that if you had a proper job?"

"Doing what? I'm a felon, Ma. I've got no education and I'm practically unemployable. As it is I'm thirty-five years old and the only thing I have to my name is that bike out there. Do you really think I could provide for you all if I had a minimum wage job at Walmart?"

"Other people manage it."

"I'm not other people. Shit." He threw the bottle across the kitchen, causing it to smash against the wall. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. Maybe I should just leave."

"Don't go."

"Oh shit, sugar." He turned to the small figure clutching a bright pink teddy and swept her up into his arms, hugging her tight. "I didn't mean it. I just got mad."

"You mad at me?"

"I could never be mad at you."

"At Nana Sophie?"

"No sugar, I ain't mad at Nana Sophie. I'm just mad at myself for letting you down."

Sophia smiled and blinked away her tears. "How about Joe takes you back to bed and I'll bring you a nice glass of milk?" She reached out and touched her hair. "I'm sorry we upset you, but it's okay. Me and Joe still love each other. And we both love you very much."

~ oOo ~

Joe watched the woman sleeping on the narrow bed. Gently, he touched her hair. "You scared me, M." He turned as the door opened and a young woman in a white coat walked in. "Hey doc. Can you tell me what's going on?"

She smiled. "She's going to be fine. We'll keep her sedated until the heroin has left her system. After that…Well, that's up to her."

Joe nodded. "We'll get her cleaned up."

He waited in silence, stroking Maria's hair until Beth arrived. He watched as she pulled up the other chair. It was hard to believe they were sisters. Maria was a fair-skinned blonde, whereas Beth was dark-haired with olive skin. Their personalities too, were poles apart. Maria had always been the party girl, desperate to be center of attention. Beth, on the other hand, was quiet, studious, unobtrusive. She just blended into the background. Even when she had been with that asshole of a husband, no one knew the situation she had been in. It was only when Joe had seen the bruises on her neck and had pushed her, that she had admitted he was hitting her. Joe, of course, had put a stop to that in his usual 'Joe' way. No one got away with hurting the ones he loved.

Their eyes met and she smiled. "How long have you been here?"

He shrugged. "Amy's at school. Thought it was best. Nowhere else for me to be till she gets home."

She nodded. "I've decided to take a sabbatical. Amy is going to need taking care of."

"Beth, I…”

"Not up for discussion. Maria needs to get on some sort of sober living program. As soon as she's cleaned up, I'll go back to school."

"I wanna help."

"You can. Amy's going to need you to be around. And financially. These programs don't come cheap."

"There's a couple of jobs I can do. The money's good but it does mean I'll be away for a few days at a time."

"Okay, but make sure you make it clear to Amy that you're not running out on her."

His lips turned up into a tiny smile. "You're a good girl, Beth."

Amy sat in the back of Beth's car and jiggled around excitedly. Joe was coming home today. She missed mommy, but Joe and Beth had sat her down and explained that she had gone away to a special place where she could learn how to stop being sad. "Beth?"

"Yes, Amy?"

"Is Joe really coming home today?"

"He sure is."

"Beth?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we have a pizza and movie night?"

"Yeah, why not. But no mermaids. Joe hates mermaids."

Amy giggled. "And pink, he really hates pink."

Joe leaned on the bar in the Bay View clubhouse. He was really going to have to leave soon if he wanted to get back to Fillmore before Amy went to bed.

He looked round as Spike sauntered over. "You staying for the party, bro?"

He shook his head and passed the Sergeant At Arms a beer. "Nah. Wanna get back to Fillmore 'fore it gets too late."

Spike nodded and they drank their beers in silence, until it was broken by Joe. "You got kids, right?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah, three girls."

"You see much of 'em?"

"Couple of times a year. Supervised visits, thanks to my crazy-ass ex." Joe raised an eyebrow and Spike continued. "Bitch always knew what buttons to press. Pushed me till I went for her in front of witnesses." He chuckled. "Not my smartest move."

"But your girls? You love 'em right?"

"No question." He frowned. "What's this about, Tiny? You ain't got some gash knocked up, have ya? I thought you were always careful to keep your junk wrapped."

"Nah, man. Ain't nothing like that." He lit a cigarette. "Got a girl back there. She's got a kid. I guess I look on her as my own."

"You got an old lady?"

"She ain't my old lady. It's…It's complicated." He shook his head. "It don't matter, forget it."

Spike gave a snort. "You really think I'm gonna let this drop now? You don't do 'complicated.' C'mon. What's on your mind?"

"This girl, Maria. She's fucked up. Drugs, booze. You name it."

"So walk away. Gash like that is trouble."

"Can't."

"Cuz of the kid?"

"Yeah."

"Ain't your kid. Ain't your problem."

Joe shook his head. "Like I said. It's complicated."

Spike watched as he turned on his heel and walked to the doors. He smiled to himself. He should be shocked that his brother had got all bent out of shape over someone else's kid, but somehow he wasn't. Joe was loyal to a fault. If he had committed to this kid, he would stick by her. No one cared more about family than Tiny Taylor and no one knew better than him that family was about more than DNA.

Amy lay on the sofa, her head resting on Joe's thigh, trying and failing to keep her eyes open. She loved having Beth and Joe here. As much as she loved her mommy and she was sure her mommy loved her, they never had evenings like this, especially if Joe was around. But to Amy, snuggling up on the sofa with Joe and Beth, her belly full of pizza and ice cream and Toy Story on the TV, was perfect. Her thumb found its way into her mouth as she gave up the battle against sleep. "Joe?"

"Yes, sugar?"

"I lub you."

"I love you, too." He stroked her hair. "Think you should go and clean your teeth and get ready for bed."

"Can I stay here for a little while? Please Joe?"

He sighed as he felt her tiny hand clutch at his jeans. "Okay, sugar, just for a little while."

~ oOo ~

Maria sat with her back against the wall and, closing her eyes, raised her face to the sun. A a shadow fall across her and she looked up. "Joe."